uncle

[niknaks]

as some of you may know im asian and unmarried and its been a bit hard for people to accept my pregnancy including my mum whos only fully come to terms with it. well a few weeks ago i sent a message to all of my mums side of the family telling them as most of them are from india and abroad and are a bit backward. also my mum was "too ashamed" to tell them herself, and dont want people talking bad of her so i just bit the bullet and went for it.

my cousins, some of whom are a lot older than me have been really supportive and excited about the baby. they do say we should get married bla blah blah. ( we are going to but want to do it after its been a year for my dads passing) i did tell them that were gonna get civilly married and were looking into it but its not on top of my list of prioritys at the moment even though i would marry my oh tomorrow if i could. but anyway, my mums brother POSTED on my wall on fb how he thought i was mature and how could i let this happen. i cant let my child be illegitimate and went on about steve job being illegitimate and getting picked on for it. he is also forgetting that he was in his 50's and times are changing. i was fuming and upset at the same time. went and told my oh straight away and he was livid and was like i should delete it straight away bt also my uncle lent my mum a lot of money towards my dads funeral in june, and feel its a bit disrespectful. sont know what to do and if i should or not. need some advice please xx

 

[nikki8092]

Just because he lent your mum money for your dads funeral doesnt give him any right to speak to you like that. I know a lot of asian families have strict values etc but this is your choice to make not his. Personally i think as long as you and other half are happy thats all that matters. You wont be being disrespectful at all hunny. Hope you get it sorted xx

 

[Sarah13]

Maybe delete the message but then send a private message to your uncle or speak to him that fb isnt really the place to air family disagreements, disapproval etc. I think Fb should be a light hearted things and really he should know better at his age and speak to you face to face if he has any 'issues' then at least you can tell him how you feel etc and that people don't need a piece of paper to prove their love and commitment to each other these days. Must be hard for you having this kind of stress which you really don't need just now.

 

[BevG]

id just leave it, you dont want to upset him, i know it must have hrt for him to be like that but family can be a total pain and so judgemental. i prefer to keep the peace, you know your gonna get married etc and your happy so dont let him spoil it, after all theyre only words, he cant do anything about it really and you know your mum is ok with it now so thats all that really matters. just dont reply or anything to any nasty comments. after a few days the comment will be buried by your friends posts and general fb things.

 

[Rachaellius]

I agree that he shouldn't air his disapproval so publicly, so I would tell him as much. And I agree with Nikki just because he has done you a favour in the past it doesn't give him the right to be so rude. I say speak to him privately and tell him while you understand and thank him for his concern but you don't wish to air it in public and explain your reasons for wanting to do things your way xx

 

[Princess81]

Maybe delete the message but then send a private message to your uncle or speak to him that fb isnt really the place to air family disagreements, disapproval etc. I think Fb should be a light hearted things and really he should know better at his age and speak to you face to face if he has any 'issues' then at least you can tell him how you feel etc and that people don't need a piece of paper to prove their love and commitment to each other these days. Must be hard for you having this kind of stress which you really don't need just now.

I totally agree with this. Just because he has loaned some money to your mum doesn't mean he has the right to do this. I do hope he comes round, but it sounds like the majority of your family are being sensible about it. I don't think your uncle should be comparing your baby to someone who was born over 50 years ago, times have changed since then x

 

[pinkyprincess]

I had a little nosy and I can't help but think that is damn rude! The important thing is that the child has a mum and dad that love it and always will!
If I were you i'd ignor it and don't bother rising to it. He's said his piece, let him get on with his life, just get him back by not inviting him to the wedding

In all seriousness tho, no matter what he thinks, it's not right for him to say it so publicly or even at all. Sometimes it's better to keep things to yourself!

Stay strong and stick to your guns love!

And on a side note why Steve Jobs? I had no idea he was born out of wedlock! Who cares? The rest of the world didn't! Surely that statement was a contridiction to what he was saying, Steve was born out of wedlock and was one of the most influential men this decade!

 

[redbear]

I know he paid money towards the funeral but still to put that on facebook is going too far, he could have spoke to you privately or kept it to himself. Times are different now and i know i did some work at a junior school that was mostly Asian and some of the children there had modern family's step dad's, single mums etc and no one ever got bullied or picked on. We did a board on family where everyone brought in pictures of there family and they where all different, the children didn't care, Its not the 50's any more and times change.
Maybe just try put it at the back of your mind hopefully once you have had the baby he will change his tune. x

 

[star fish]

I dont think you need to tackle him head on. Just delete the message but move it into your private messages and then respond to it in a private message. Chances are that if he is that backward then he doesnt know the difference between posting on your wall and sending you a private message! I'm sure he wouldnt notice if you responded direct rather than on your page. Move it, you shouldnt have to have it 'out there', its private. xxxx

 

[shaidi]

Hi Niknaks

I think the best thing to do is not to respond and yes if you move the message to your private message that would be an idea.

I think no matter what you say, your uncle is from a different generation and even most of the new generation seem to have the same thinking (but they'd never admit it.) Whatever and however you respond, you will only fuel his anger/resentment to you. And you can never bring him in todays thinking. And yes its a shame that he can't recognise that you are going to be a mother and a wonderful one at that too.

Don't feel bad/guilty about the money. or atleast try not to. Try and focus on yourself and your baby, that's the most important thing at the moment. Don't let the elder generation bring you down.

Chin up dear.

 

[Berryripe]

while he is totally out of line posting that on FB i think he only did it because he's a bit disappointed and all, probably due to the whole generational gap thing as has been mentioned by so many. try and let some time pass so it settles in for him, then if you feel up to it u could PM him or call him and gently explain to him that you know he wishes the best for you and that you will get married to OH soon though. i'm West African and so i understand where u coming from. things are a bit different in my part of the world too. in no way shd u feel beholden to him for the loan he gave ur mum, i dont think that is his reason for his FB reaction at all. Congrats gal, you are wonderful. dont let anyone make u feel any different.

 

[niknaks]

Thank-you for all your advice ladies. Was so angry when I read it. But also so were a few other family members. Had a few phone calls and messages to check if i was ok and how out of order it was. I dunno maybe he didn't realise he was putting it on my wall seeing as he's so backwards and everything. A few people have said to leave it on there and not reply just yet too. They think if i do delete it then be all telling people how I've deleted it. I also told my mum and she was just like this is the reason why she didn't want to tell them herself. Some of my family were like don't tell her it'll upset her, but she was like he has a different mentality. She did say I've done things the wrong way but she knows Me and oh are serious and right now I just want to focus on my baby. I think I will just leave it a while before I message back. Might not even till after the baby's here. But i definitely know it'll be a private message LOL xxx

 

[suzzi]

i would delete it honey x x you dont need negative comments on your wall for all your family and friends to see.

i have my setting on fb so no one can write on my wall only private message me.

 

[shaidi]

I thought I'd mention that your uncle's comment, says more about him than you.

And the majority of people reading it will see that.

 

[Geminiblue]

having different views within a culture is very difficult isnt it and I agree with lots of what the others have said. He was wrong and you know it,most people know it and honestly, the people you respect are those of the same views as you. I just wanted to send you a hug and say sorry that such a joyous occasion has been turned slightly sour or that you have been made to feel guilty or responsible for how others perceive your family. Its such a tough one hun xxx