Trouble in paradise

[buggy1]

Me and OH are having problems. We have a lot on our plate at the moment, trying to do up our house with a young baby, we both work full time but as I work from home I also look after our baby full time too. He just doesn't get how hard it is.

He insists on taking turns doing her baths and things in the evening, but I don't get to have a day where it isn't my turn because I do all the baby care all day every day, evening at the weekends he doesn't do much with her. He always has an excuse and sometimes it is valid that he is doing stuff in the house but not always, I have to multi-task but he won't even consider it!

I feel like he is selfish, he doesn't listen to me, he doesn't understand where I am coming from and to top it off he is getting more and more arrogant as he gets older.

Yesterday I left, with the baby, and came to stay at my mums for a while. If it was easier I think I'd divorce him but we are married, have a baby and own a house so it is all complicated and messy. I don't know whether I love him anymore but I'm certain I don't like him.

I'm hoping some of this is me being hormonal which is making it seem worse. I don't know what to do. I know things could very well blow over if I let it happen but I feel like I'm always giving in and allowing myself to be treated badly. I think I've let him get away with too much so he just treats me worse over time. I don't know how else to break the cycle.

Does anyone have any advice?

 

[rachaell]

From your signature it looks like you have been through a difficult time lately and I'm sorry for the loss of your baby. I'm sure hormones play a part as they always make things seem worse but at the end of the day it doesn't sound like your oh is being fair.

Have you say him down and explained how you feel? If you have and he still isn't making any changes then maybe you should consider a break apart and then see how you feel? Could you stay with your mum a while. If after that time you feel the same and your oh doesn't re evaluate then you can decide what u want to do. You can't stay unhappy though, big hugs xx

 

[Becky1]

Would he consider counselling? I know a few people who have been to relate and found it beneficial (and are still together now). With a baby, marriage and mortgage it's not easy to walk away - emotionally and the act of actually spitting up.

Maybe some time apart will help both of you realise what you want.

xxx

 

[Pumpkin9]

I def think you need to pick the right time and talk to him, maybe also arrange a girly day out for you on the weekend as leave hubby with your daughter so he can look after her for a full day too.

I had a similar situation with my hubby to start although I wouldn't say I was anywhere near your depth of feeling about it and once we'd talked properly things really got better. He understood where I was coming from and although I still have the odd meltdown he really helps me with the odd job here and there now..

 

[mylullaby]

I was just going to suggest Relate for couples counselling. You've clearly got a lot going on and just one of the things going on in your lives - young baby, doing up the house, miscarriages - could put a strain on any couple. I think the sooner you can organise this, the better. Take care xx

 

[buggy1]

Thanks all. I have suggested it to him before as he gets very grumpy about silly things which has bothered me for quite a while. He isnt keen because he is a private person.

He is difficult to talk to, he thinks he is always right and he is one of those that has an excuse for everything!

I've told him things often and it goes in one ear and out the other, or he'll be have for a week or two then it is back to his old ways...

Will defo stay at my mums for a while x

 

[mylullaby]

I think you should take some time to calm down a bit (wait till you can avoid it coming out like you're starting a fight or whatever) and explain to him you want to start couples counselling to work through the issues you have together - as a team - for better, for worse, etc. I'd go as far as to say (even if you don't mean it) that it's not just him, you realise you're not perfect and you have issues to overcome too, but that's why you think professional help would do you both a world of good.

I don't think you should give him the option of "behaving for a week or so" because that isn't working and it sounds like that cycle will just repeat itself if you allow it to. Explain that you're pleased he wants to work through things (which I assume is what he says when you make up) but that if he really means it, you'll try counselling for as long as the experts suggest - or until they agree that you've stuck at it long enough to feel the benefit - not just begrudgingly go along, say you don't like it, and refuse to go back after one session.

 

[Sugarpop]

I think you should take the time apart to both relax a little. Perhaps agree on a trial run and maybe make time for you both as a couple? Minus the baby? Perhaps 1 date night a week or whatever? This should help you figure out whether there are still feelings there and if there are you can build on them.

You need to make sure you tell him how you feel and explain to him exactly how you feel because if you don't, he will simply never know. Make sure you tell him you think counselling would help you both to communicate better. With a new baby and work and things its no wonder you are pulling your hair out. You also need to make time for yourself, so 1 evening a week or every other week make sure you go out somewhere with friends. Even if its just to McDonalds!

 

[buggy1]

I looked at relate but they charge, I didn't realise that, we just can't afford it, we are very overstretched as it is! The have a live chat online which might be free but it is always busy

I don't really know what to do. He says getting divorced is the easy way out but to me it seems like the harder option and I don't know if I can be bothered with all the hassel. I just feel like he has changed for the worse and he isn't the man I married any more.

I don't know what to do!

 

[mylullaby]

There is an organisation called marriage care which might be better for you? Have a look at the website. Sounds like a horrid situation for you hun. Divorce isn't easy but neither is working through rough patches together and coming out the other side stronger. Just depends what you both want I suppose. At least if you give the counselling a try you can say you did everything you could?! Sorry you're having such a tough time xxx