Still recovering and not bonding with Aimee!

[JoAnn&Aimee]

I feel like I am not bonding with Aimee. In the last 2 weeks I haven't been able to do much such as changing and feeding as I've been so sore. I had a forceps delivery and was cut so I've gotten stitches. I am still sore and find it difficult getting about, doing everyday things. It isn't helping that I have a severe urine infection as well. My down below area is in constant pain despite being on painkillers.

Ewan is going back to work next week and I am really worried about how I am going to cope with Aimee. He has been doing everything including the nightshift. Last night he told me he is concerned about how I will cope when he returns to work which has now put me into panic mode. He keeps asking me 'do you want to change her/feed her?' which is making me feel like he is saying 'do something!!'.

 

[daftscotslass]

I remember the feeling well. Stitches, OH going back to work, crappy delivery and generally feeling yuck, all while being a new mum. It's not fun.

However the chances are you will do just fine. It seems sooo daunting being left on your own - I have no idea where time has gone and how I've been managing to do things. Take it slowly - don't think you'll be out and about visiting people and shopping right away. Settle into a routine at home. Then venture out for walks, then further. Just take your time. If you feel like things are getting on top of you let your HV know or your GP.

And hey, if you're feeling down I'm not far down the road for a chin wag

 

[LisaJ1986]

I never had the stitches and the pain but i struggled with bonding at first. When she cried only OH could settle her and i'd just sit there in tears. But being left to it on my own made me try! Now she is a proper little mummy's girl!
You'll get there! Just takes time.
Is there anyone who could pop and see you a few times a week, just so you're not alone and they can give you a bit of a break?

 

[sparky]

take things at your own pace, sod the housework and never compare yourself with anyone else. I was very sore at first, now things feel pretty normal. I was worried at first that i wasnt bonding bvecause it all seemed about the mechanics of feeding/changing etc, but now we have the odd wee moment just cuddling i love her more than anything.

We'll have to have a scottish meet when we've all sussed this baby thing!

 

[JoAnn&Aimee]

Thanks for the replies. I just feel so useless. It was my biggest fear not bonding with Aimee, maybe because I was so scared of it that I feel it is happening.

We'll have to have a scottish meet when we've all sussed this baby thing!

It ain't easy. Why don't they just come with a manual?!

 

[sparky]

Dont worry hon a lot of us have felt like this...they dont come with a manual and the baby books never have the one thing that you want to find out about, then you google scare the shit out of yourself etc.

We felt like we had stole a baby when we left the hossie...the one thing that has helped me is to make a note of my feelings although things still feel like a struggle at times i can look back at a week ago and realise that they are getting a wee bit easier.

 

[Sherlock]

I think many new Mums have bonding issues for any number of reasons. The main thing to remember is not to beat yourself up about it. The early weeks are hard work.

And I for one will openly say I didn't enjoy them as I hoped I would because of health woes (with me not LO). You have hopes, expectations and all these ideals and they just don't happen. And as there is so much to take in and cope with its hard to be able to relax and enjoy your baby. But give it time and you will. One day soon it will all suddenly seem easier and you'll feel happier with your LO. It'll click in to place and you'll be able to enjoy your time with her.

When the smiles come thick and fast, then the giggles, thats when I found the bonding really began. Once Galen was able to recognise me and respond. Till then it was hard. I was in awe of him but also found it hard to know what or how to feel. I had so many other things to deal with.

Also as your health improves things will get better. I am still a long way from being back to my normal self but its gotten better. I can function out and about but it took 12 plus weeks to get to this point. I had 20 stitches and still have a bladder problem. My OH went back to work after 4 days and I was left to it all. Plus pretty much all the nightshifts as I was BF'ing. So I understand totally how you feel on those things. I just got through it. I was in pain and distress for weeks but just tried to focus on the positives and kept telling myself its only a few weeks. Its been hard work but I was determind. Now LO is past the early feeding frenzy of breastfeeding things have improved somewhat also. I get a decent amount of sleep at night finally too. 5 hours and I am like a new woman

 

[Redshoes]

Wanted to pass on some
And just say to talk about your feelings with someone you trust, whether that be OH, HV, GP or on here, don't ever keep it all inside and feel alone, get the support you deserve from those around you and just focus on doing what makes you and Aimee comfortable, you feed and cuddle her, let OH do the washing and bottles etc never mind anything else, and I hope you feel more relaxed and content about things real soon, very very best wishes

 

[loz]

The 1st few weeks are hard and you just have to go into survival mode! I was really sore as well and it does go after a while - you will bond as time goes on, it's just such a shock to the system at first. When Emms was born, I spent the first week in a bit of shock and couldnt relaly believe she was mine! You do adjust and you will find your feet.

 

[maria1976]

Hey Honey I had the same sort of delivery as you, and tbh i prett much did sod all for the first 2 months!!! Just take it easy and dont worry about stuff like housework, just kick your feet up and relax and sleep and eat!! try and have a nice bath in the evening when OH back from work and RELAX. I dont think I got dressed at all i stayed in big pants BF bra and dressing gown. Even shopiing, just get tesco or whatever to deliver to you. And most importantly give yourself time We have all these expectations about how we think we should feel, but it does take time

 

[Magic Monkey]

I think you just described my first 2 weeks after a forceps birth so . It does get better and believe me once OH goes back to work and you have to do things on your own, you will and you will start to bond way more. Now I have to tell OH how to do things, to begin with I was terrified of him leaving me on my own with her.

Do you have any friends/family that could come round to help you. My parents and my in laws were a godsend for the first couple of months.

 

[JulesK81]

Hi hun, please try not to worry, it WILL get easier. I had my LO on July 14th. It was horrendous as I had an infection the day I gave birth and was rushed to theatre for a forceps delivery with spinal block and a cut literally from one hole to the other (gutting after getting to 10cm with no pain relief as I wasn't allowed it due to infection). Kayla was hugely distressed (irregular heartbeat from start of labour, poo waters and heartbeat less than 50 when born) so she was rushed to SCBU. I didn't see her until the next day so didn't have immediate contact with her. We were in hospital three days and I didn't feel connected to her at all. I loved her, but there was no bond. Whereas her daddy had the overwhelming love and bond straight away. I was dreading my hubby going back to work cos I didn't think I would cope. I was scared about how I'd deal with her crying and scared I wouldn't love her. But Alex going back to work is the best thing that has happened for us. Within the first week of being alone, we developed our own relationship and it just keeps getting better. She started smiling a few days ago and nothing beats it when your little bubs looks at you with their gummy smile and eyes wide open!

I totally sympathise with the forceps/cut/healing cos I know how horrid that is - you wanna be looking after yourself, not a screaming baby!!! But again it does get easier and I bet your bits will feel a lot better once the infection clears up.

Alex was questioning me about him returning to work as well and was a bit worried. But not in a bad way - just because he wanted Kayla and me to be OK. He never once thought I couldn't look after her, just worried about me as he knew how I had been feeling. He also asked me while he was here if he could do anything - try not to take everything to heart, he literally meant is there anything I can do to help, not 'you're not doing anything so I'll ask with the hope you get off your fat arse and do it yourself!' I am sure it is exactly the same with Ewan. Now Alex comes in from work and says I am the best mum in the world and have such a bond with her cos I know what she wants when she cries and how to tend to her and that I am better with her than he is!

But I promise you, next week will be fine and you will bond with Aimee, may it be in a few days or weeks. It may take time - my HV says it is perfectly normal not to have the overwhelming rush of love and bonding, even with a good birth experience.

Only other thing I can say is communication! The first three weeks were really hard after the birth and the only way we got through it is to talk loads about how we/I/him were feeling. It helped us anyway!

Chin up and enjoy these early weeks. My LO is changing so fast already!

x

 

[JoAnn&Aimee]

Thanks for all the replies!!

I spoke to my HV about it today and she has reasurred me that it is normal to feel this way after forceps delivery. I also lost a litre of blood during the labour and birth which has made me so tired and I am on a lot of medication including iron tablets. My stitches have been getting sore over the past 2 days but I've been told that is them tightening and they should be dissolving next week. I am hoping that once the pain is gone I can focus 100% on being a good mum to Aimee. Right now I feel like a horrible mum.

My parents have took Aimee for the weekend to give Ewan and I a break. We are going to the cinema tomorrow so maybe a night out just the 2 of us will help.

 

[DaisyRose]

Just wanted to send you some of these

I agree with what everyone else has said - take it easy, get rest when you can, don't put too much pressure on yourself and just concentrate on doing the essentials. Everything else will fall into place; and I'm pretty certain you'll find the bond will grow once you start to feel better physically, and get more confident at dealing with Aimee. Having a baby is such a life changing thing - it takes a lot of getting used to and nothing really prepares one for it!!

I've never had forceps but my first was born by emergency c/section. I was very weak as had lost a lot of blood and must say, I really struggled in the early weeks. I was totally unfamiliar with babies (had only held one once previously) and physically I was next to useless - it was a struggle to get out of bed and get dressed, let alone cook or get out the door!!!! And then a week later my Mum had a hip replacement and came to stay with us following a few days with a friend!!! It was a right nightmare but we got through it, and you will too.

It sounds like you've got some really supportive people around - I'd say definitely make the most of them; it's really good you're getting a break this weekend.