single parent soon...

[prettypenguin]

Things haven't been right for ages, I just feel like I don't have any interest or care for my oh...everything he does annoys me, I have major issues with germs and just generally feel teary and overwhelmed since charlie arrived and I feel like I can't talk to him, when I do he thinks I'm pathetic and should just sort myself out...I have no proper friends to confide in and everything just bubbles up inside me... I run round after Charlie and make sure rick (oh) has clean shirts, lunch for work etc but we don't talk anymore...I'm forever telling him to shush at night, and there's always a drama with his mum that I can't be bothered with so I'm jot as talkative with her anymore as cant be doing with arguments...I've lost all my confidence and witty personality I had before getting pg, and just generally feel like a zombie, I don't know who I am or what I'm about anymore....oh came up to bed late, I told him 'why's ad he was banging and then.he started speaking loudly how he was fed up, I made him go downstairs and we had a talk...well he was ranting on how fed up he is, I have 2 weeks to start being.nicer, and I just didn't care, I was annoyed he wanted to do this upstairs and annoyed that he's keeping me up...I didn't feel sorry or anything...I just felt like saying go now stuff the 2 weeks. We then went upstairs as he was like 'emotionless as usual' and he started saying who's having.charlie...well, me as you never fkin bother doing ANYTHING with him...he doesn't even know his own dad properly cause he's too busy arsing about on his phone/laptop just so fed up, can't even stand to look at him atm feel like kicking him out of bed or walking out x

 

[Sassysugar]

I'm so sorry you're going through this he's not being very understanding, it's hard work looking after a baby and even worse when your partner doesn't help. Could you maybe go and stay with your parents for a couple of days so you have a break from him, he may appreciate you more when you haven't been there for a couple of days.

With regards the germs etc I know how you feel, i worry about them too and its exhausting, I'm constantly washing clothes and my hands are dry/sore as I have to keep them clean but i have to rationally tell myself that he's healthy and it wont do him any harm (easier said than done)

Maybe you could talk to your dr as this will be putting a strain on you sending you a hug

 

[DW1978]

So sorry you are feeling this way hun. I'm really sorry, I don't want to upset you or offend you but have you thought that you may have post natal depression? I have no experience if it at all but I think having 'irrational' thoughts about things happening to baby I.e. germs etc can be a sign? It might be worth speaking to a hv. Sorry your oh is being such an idiot too. I hope things get better for you soon xxx

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[l_maclean]

I was think it sounded a bit like PND as well. Might be worth speaking to your hv or gp. xxx

 

[pringle88]

Big hugs! I felt the exact same about my ex So I know how you feel. Really hope you sort something that makes both of you happier. Xxx

 

[inky]

Sorry you're feeling like this hon,you should speak to your health visitor I think, i agree it does sound as though you might br suffering from PND xx

 

[prettypenguin]

Thanks girls, I have actually thought about it.for a while, I'm scared to say anything in case one day me and rick split up and if we were fighting over Charlie that would go against me...I'm not really too bothered that he doesn't help with Charlie, just that he comes in, moans about never seeing him cause he goes to bed an hour after he gets back from work, but like last night I took him up for his last feed, asked oh would he like to come, came 15 mins later with his laptop, was messing about with photos on it, after I fed Charlie I asked would he like to cuddle him before bed, "no just get him in bed" didn't even look up from his screen....just really makes me mad cause my dad never made any effort and I don't see him, haven't for years. I just feel really sad that rick doesn't 'get me', he used to understand me so well and now he doesn't care... Like if the house is untidy or Charlie's playing up its like such a really bad day for me, it sounds stupid I know. I just feel like a little alien, I don't have a clue what's going on in the world, what music is popular, what clothes are good etc, I know all that doesn't matter but I don't have a clue. I should be happy I know I should, I have a really good life and feel guilty that I'm down in the dumps all the time... X (sorry for the big essay)

 

[Laura_C]

I think with a new baby some of these things are normal feelings and honestly things will get better with your OH. Me and my OH went though a bit of lull when our eldest was a baby. It's a massive change, no matter how much the baby is wanted, it can be a big shock to the system. Me and my OH stopped communicating for a while but we got it back on track. It is possible. I was like this with the germs thing with my first but it seemed worse when I was pregnant. It soon passed and I tell you with my last baby I just couldn't be like that otherwise I seriously would have a nervous breakdown. I still have bad days where nothing in the house seems to get done and I feel like a failure. But I've realised with two kids it's just the way it is. The house isn't a hazard or unclean so to speak, I find i do most when they are in bed. I found getting back to work after my first really helped actually, I had my own thing which gave me some time out from my home life. Don't get me wrong I love being at home but I think you sound like you just need a bit of 'me' time. Is there anyone that could have LO for a few hours once a week so you can go and have a wonder around the shops, or get haircut, nails or lunch. I found having a job just kept me in the real world! It was lovely then anytime I was home I had lots to talk about with OH and vice versa and time with LO was so precious. I think I sometimes put unnecessary pressure on myself to have my house perfect at all times, no one else seemed to be bothered really just me. It does get easier but your OH does need to put the effort in to spend time with LO and you xxx

 

[prettypenguin]

Yeah, when I was working I felt myself always chatty and making sarcastic comments and just generally having a laugh, but now I song say boo to a goose. And the job was only seasonal so all the friends I made there moved on and I'm not going back to work. I was thinking maybe just get a job where I could do 1 or 2 nights a week, but I know this sounds really bad but I'd be worrying about Charlie with Rick as Rick has no idea how to look after him, he still always asks me why he's crying and I try to explain his cries and that time is useful as you can usually guess but he still doesn't know... X

 

[Laura_C]

At the end of the day, he is gonna have to learn lol! You need to be able to feel his needs are met with his Dad but you have to let him try when you feel ready. My babies always had a routine and he usually figured out what their routine was from weekends. He generally knows when she is due a feed but tbh babies let you know when they need something. I always old him to change her nappy before a feed otherwise it's easy to forget and has reflux so need to be up for a whole after a feed. Even a few hours is really only going to be a feed and a nappy change, don't think he could go too far wrong. Maybe he needs some bonding time with baby, I think men do need a little time alone with LO even of just to appreciate the work it takes to look after their child lol! Leave him a list of things to check if baby is unsettled or what his routine is. My OH actually sometimes had daddy and daughter days where he would look after her whilst I had to be somewhere or take her out for the day. It built his confidence and I wouldnt hesitate to leave both kids with my OH, he maybe doesn't do everything the way I would but the kids are always fed, watered and well looked after

 

[star fish]

HI sweetie, go and see your doctor, tell OH it is for baby checkup, it is totally confidential and your doctor wont tell him if you do have PND.

I think its normal to row a lot with first baby as everything is so new and scary and stressful and you are both really tired.

Its not normal to obsess about germs though.

Also I would stop doing anything for your OH and do hand the baby to him and go and have a bath or a nap, he will get more confident over time.

I have to say I think we all have moments when we feel life would be much easier without OH around to look after as well as the baby. I find it easier when OH is at work than when he is at home, which is not great really, but then again I'm in the relationship for the long haul (we are married, i dont know if you are?) so eventually it will be nice that we are still together - perhaps in a few years! lol

xx

 

[prettypenguin]

No were not married, been together for 4 years nearly though... I do feel like I should leave him but whenever I do get in the bath he brings him in the bathroom 10 mins later saying he was wondering where I'd gone :l it sounds bad but I don't want to have to take any tablets or anything, is that the only thing they'd offer if I did go to the.docs? X

 

[DW1978]

I don't think so hun. I'm sure you can go down a counselling route instead. Just remembered actually that one if ny friends had cognitive behavior therapy and swears by it x

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[Jayceesmumma]

I think with a new baby some of these things are normal feelings and honestly things will get better with your OH. Me and my OH went though a bit of lull when our eldest was a baby. It's a massive change, no matter how much the baby is wanted, it can be a big shock to the system. Me and my OH stopped communicating for a while but we got it back on track. It is possible. I was like this with the germs thing with my first but it seemed worse when I was pregnant. It soon passed and I tell you with my last baby I just couldn't be like that otherwise I seriously would have a nervous breakdown. I still have bad days where nothing in the house seems to get done and I feel like a failure. But I've realised with two kids it's just the way it is. The house isn't a hazard or unclean so to speak, I find i do most when they are in bed. I found getting back to work after my first really helped actually, I had my own thing which gave me some time out from my home life. Don't get me wrong I love being at home but I think you sound like you just need a bit of 'me' time. Is there anyone that could have LO for a few hours once a week so you can go and have a wonder around the shops, or get haircut, nails or lunch. I found having a job just kept me in the real world! It was lovely then anytime I was home I had lots to talk about with OH and vice versa and time with LO was so precious. I think I sometimes put unnecessary pressure on myself to have my house perfect at all times, no one else seemed to be bothered really just me. It does get easier but your OH does need to put the effort in to spend time with LO and you xxx

Totally agree.. Who is he to give u a deadline of two weeks when he isn't exactly making an effort himself!!!

 

[Kbex]

Definitely see the doctor as counselling will help but most of what you describe is what most people (if they are honest go through. Both the feelings you have about yourself and your relationship. Put the pressures of a baby, massive life change, hormonal changes, total exhaustion and the pressure that you should be happy all together and it's bound to get too much. I agree that your oh has not been as supportive as he could be but it is weird for them. To give the guys side a bit, they are disconnected from the pregnancy and then the baby arrives. They expect all these mutual feelings and to be like the daddy they see on tv. In reality they have this little person that arrives but they still feel distant from. The baby is generally dependant on its mummy and whether you bf or not most of its care falls on the mummy. Through time spent with the lo and also instinct we know the lo in a way they never will. Most men prefer their children as they get older as they get more interaction. I found making a fuss of the way the lo looks at her daddy, smiles at him etc and saying she's a daddy's girl helped. The more he felt he was getting something back the more he felt his bond develop with her. Then he would spend more and more time with her. I lucky as he's always been a good hands on dad this just helped especially in the first few months. Don't know whether that's any use or not

 

[Olive]

Hope you feel better tonight. I agree with Star's comments.

xxx

 

[prettypenguin]

Sorry not been on, internet's been playing up. He's been a bit better past 2 nights, this morn and yday morn he got up at quarter to 8, I get up at half 6 with Charlie and feed him in bed at 7 and at quarter to 8 Rick has took him down and let me have a nap/rest til half 8 when he leaves for work and then Charlie has a nap around 9 til about half ten so the past 2 mornings have been brill. I've also made a cleaning rota, all the jobs are for me but I've spread everything out over the weekdays so weekends I'm not running round cleaning up when i should be spending time with the boys. Also, Charlie's bedtime is anytime between 7 and 8 so when Rick gets in he gets changed and does the last feed upstairs now, he says he likes doing it but he looks bored to death (I stay with him so he's not sat on his own in the dark) but at least he's trying... I've also been taking charlie out for a walk every day with the dog tied to the pram (murder if she sees another dog as she's a very nervous dog) so even if its just for ten mins and I'm in my leggings and hair shoved up in a bun its nice to just be in the outside world. I'm still considering going the docs for some sort of behavioural therapy though as I always get these good days and then think I'm all better when im not...I still have loads to sort out with Rick, were hardly behaving like boyfriend and gfd but at least were not wanting to strangle each other...for now xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Glad things are picking up for u but like u said things need to be sorted out u can't just sweep them under the rug for another day.. Slow and steady is good but gotta be sure to be open with each other to stop it all slipping back