siblings vs. only children (sorry long post)

[trixipaws]

ok, our pregnancy was not planned. my boyf and i had talked about having kids but we'd thought it'd be something we'd do when we're older, however we're both excited about this one.

the thing is, now we're having this one earlier than planned i kinda feel pressure to plan for another one in a few years, because i wouldnt want too much of an age gap.

but, my boyf has said he doesnt want another one, and he seemingly feels quite strong about it.
to be honest, i dont have a big urge to have any more either, the MAIN reason is that i'd worry about not loving the second one as much- i ALWAYS have a favourite cat! (lol, its ok with cats as long as u love them both but i think with kids u cant have a favourite?)
there are other reasons too (such as not enough money, 2 would be more hard work, i'v been told its the 2nd that permanently ruins ur figure etc etc etc but those reasons are minor really) so at the moment i wouldnt mind having only this baby.

but i sometimes wonder is it unfair on the child to deny her siblings?

but then i think it'd be unfair on the second sibling to bring it into the world just for the purpose of 'being a sibling' for the first child?

people with children hav said b4 their 1st theyd said they only wanted one but after their babies born they wanted more. this may happen with us and after she'd born maybe we'll both really want to have more- in which case none of what i'm saying here will matter?

but for now, what do u think?

i'm unsure about whether i want more, like i said- i'm just worried i couldnt love it as much. but my boyf seems more sure of what he wants and at the moment its NO more! but then i feel this pressure to make plans! need advice!

 

[Tina & Gabs]

Hiya

Gabriella was not planned and I always thought that if I could have children (didn't think I could) I'd only have one. All through my pregnancy I was saying that this baby would be an only child but now I have had her I feel so different.

I really want her to have a sibling and I really want to do the whole baby creating again, as I feel it is truly a miracle (sorry if I sound like a softy there).

I am worried about being able to afford it though (We are just in the process of buying a new home) but I am going to enjoy Gabriella for now and I am sure I will know when the time is right or maybe my feelings will change again when she gets a bit older.

Sorry I am contradicting myself. Basically what I am trying to say is I was adamant that I would only have 1 baby but after having her this feeling changed. Basically never say never, you just don't know how you will feel.

Good luck with bubba and hopefully others that have had more babies will be able to give you more of an insight.

 

[tuck]

I would enjoy the time that you have with this one and not get worried about planning for more. you have plenty of time for that in the future should you both feel that it's the right thing to do, peoples feelings and circumstances change as well.

I will probably only have the one (but never say never) but that is because of my age and no other reason.

 

[Tangerinedream]

i was an only child until i was 13 (sister was adopted aged 6) and i hated it (being alone), my mum worked hard as a single parent and didnt have much time for 'child oriented' stuff. My OH was too an only child but he had 2 parents, they did loads of stuff with him so his experience was completely different. he doesnt want another, I eventually do because i kind of saw both sides because when my sister came into my family i had a great freind and companion (even if we were at each others throats half the time) i wouldnt it for the world and only hope OH can change his mind about a second

 

[sophie-jordan]

Kiyanna wasnt planned and 4 ages i said i would never have more and i would just give all my time and love to her on her own but when i had Elise it was a differnt feeling and it was someone their 4 Kiyanna to play with and be a big sister to. at the moment id enjoy the time with bubba and just see what the future brings
good luck
x sophie x

 

[Red_Fairy]

My mother was a lonley child so insisted on having a litter! (5) lol.
I am COMPLETLY the oppiset. Both my sisters i could have easily lived without. Sounds so harsh - but they have put me through so much - my mum has even said 'god, i always wanted sibblings...but i wouldnt want ones like yours!' - and thats her own daughters!!!!
My OH feels exactly the same. (he has a brother that is a herion addict that has caused so much heart ache to the family it would make jeremy kyle blush)
So i want a lonley child. If i do go on to have another child it will be a big age gap. like 10 years+ so i can give all my dedicated time to each child.

But who knows, it sounds like alot of feeling change after you have a child.

 

[Minime]

Ive got 14 years between mine, dont worry about not loving the 2nd one enough, you'll love them to bits regardless. Its a huge gap, too huge but I didnt want to be saddled on my own with another child until I found a father that would fight me tooth and nail for custody if we ever split so thats quite reassuring to me. It was never because I didnt want another child, it was purely down to finding the right father for it!

See how you feel when you have your LO after they've reached 2 or 3. I always knew I wanted more kids, some of my mates knew one was enough and have never shown any intention of having more. I think its just something you know yourself whether you want more or not.

 

[Nicola]

I'm one of 3 children, my brother and I are barely 2 years apart and we have both hated it from day one, the second I was doing something at school he'd be starting the same things, the second I was old enough to do something he'd be right there too there was never any difference between us and in honesty were not that close now because of it, like I've just got married, he's just got engaged...it never blooming ends! My sister came along when I was 9, although she's more a tomboy and I'm more your girly girl we get on much better, I feel I can help her, guide her and she comes to me for all sorts really, we certainlly benefitted from the gap.

As for my own, this is my first baby, very much planned and wanted but I don't think he will be having sibblings as I do have 4 step-children (older and moved out but still relations) and I want the best for him, i.e. private education, exotic holidays etc and once you start adding in a 2nd, 3rd, 4th child etc I think we'd find it impossible especially 4 sets of school fees etc I'm home all day to play and do lots of child centred activities, trips to the park and petting zoo etc so I dont think he'll miss out on not having a sibbling but that's just my opinion - I would have much prefered to be an only child or at least have the age gap between my brother and I that my sister and I have.

I think it very much depends on circumstances but don't feel pressure to have another child for the sake of having one, you might want another one once your first starts to walk and do independant not such baby things if that makes sense. I certainlly wouldn't consider a 2nd if my husband point blank didn't want one there would be little point but I dont think you'd love a 2nd child any less, a lot of parents admit that having a 2nd isn't the same as the first in regards the anticipation, the planning, preperation, decorating of the nursery etc as they have done it all before they might not attend antenatal the 2nd time around and so forth all the things you do tend to do with the first.

I think once you have had your first baby you'll soon realise whether you want another immediatley or not, until then I'd not worry youself with thoughts of sibblings etc just yet.

Sorry this kinda turned into waffling....

 

[Hellokitty]

My husband and I are both only children. I've always liked it, you can't miss what you never had!

And I wouldn't let something as superficial as my figure factor in to any decisions regarding having children. Besides, it hasn't done Madonna any harm.

 

[Sabrina]

I have a sister 2 1/2 years older than me. We didn't always get on as children, both being girls, there was a bit of sibling rivalry. Now though we are closer and get along just great.

When I had my first son I did plan to have more children "some day" but for lots of reasons things didn't work out like that and I never fell pregnant again. My son was/is an an only child but he's never suffered because of it. There were times when he used to come back from friends' houses and say "I'm so glad I don't have a brother or sister". Of course there were other times when he said the opposite and I tried really hard to ensure he had friends over to stay whenever he wanted so he didn't get lonely.

Last October I fell pregnant and it was totally unplanned (and against medical prediction). The baby is due in July. So there will be 17 1/2 years gap in between my 2 children. My first son is very happy and supportive about the new baby.

I think it's a personal decision for you and your OH only to make. If you don't feel ready to have another child then don't. After all you can always wait but once you've had them - You can't put them back!

 

[cloud9]

I wanted more than one till my pregnancy and now as a result of my antibodies each child i have will be pregressively sicker so now am only planning to have Dylan. I feel complete with him and am just aware he needs to socialize more than if he had borthers or sisters

I guess how he feels we will find out in 18 years

 

[Londoner Claire]

I would have hated to have been an only child, especially after speaking to friends who were too and the way they were unhappy about it. I wasn't going to have any after Ryan though either, didn't think I could but so happy I have Jade now too.

Never worry about not loving the second as much as the first. I am totally in love with my little girl. Of course I love my son too but I'm just overwhelmed by my feelings for Jade.

 

[budge]

ok, our pregnancy was not planned. my boyf and i had talked about having kids but we'd thought it'd be something we'd do when we're older, however we're both excited about this one.

the thing is, now we're having this one earlier than planned i kinda feel pressure to plan for another one in a few years, because i wouldnt want too much of an age gap.

but, my boyf has said he doesnt want another one, and he seemingly feels quite strong about it.
to be honest, i dont have a big urge to have any more either, the MAIN reason is that i'd worry about not loving the second one as much- i ALWAYS have a favourite cat! (lol, its ok with cats as long as u love them both but i think with kids u cant have a favourite?)
there are other reasons too (such as not enough money, 2 would be more hard work, i'v been told its the 2nd that permanently ruins ur figure etc etc etc but those reasons are minor really) so at the moment i wouldnt mind having only this baby.

but i sometimes wonder is it unfair on the child to deny her siblings?

but then i think it'd be unfair on the second sibling to bring it into the world just for the purpose of 'being a sibling' for the first child?

people with children hav said b4 their 1st theyd said they only wanted one but after their babies born they wanted more. this may happen with us and after she'd born maybe we'll both really want to have more- in which case none of what i'm saying here will matter?

but for now, what do u think?

i'm unsure about whether i want more, like i said- i'm just worried i couldnt love it as much. but my boyf seems more sure of what he wants and at the moment its NO more! but then i feel this pressure to make plans! need advice!

i always wanted more than one. being one of 5 i know the fun and happiness having sibblings can bring.
its not just when they are little that matters its when you grow up and your sibblings become friends etc.

 

[Londoner Claire]

I couldn't imagine not having my sister now. I used to bully her as a kid, what a bitch but we are best friends now. My brother on the other hand is a different story. lol

 

[Freya]

I think go with the flow. Don't make plans yet - as you don't know how you will feel when you have had baby.

I think all replies show that there isn't a 'right way' just a way that is right for you and your family.

My OH once said to me it doesn't matter what you do your kid(s) will still throw it back in your face at sometime in the future.

As for your figure I have had 2 and still wear size 8 jeans so I wouldn't worry too much about that!

 

[*saulino*]

Hi

I have always wanted 2 children.
But oncei had Kiara iknew for sure i think once you have your first you know if you can handle more then that or if more is right for you .
I say wait till LO is born and make up your mind then got plenty of time to think about it.
I am one of 3 children my younger brother is 10 months younger then me and my sister is 2 years older . My sister and i are so close now but my bro and i always argue lol but i still would never change not having them

Hope you figure out what you both want .
Katrina

 

[treena9673]

I think every mother ( of 1 child) has the fear that they wont love the second one the same or as much. i know i felt like that when I fell pregnant with lynsey, laurie was just at the age (7 nearly 8 ) when I felt that we were really SHARING things ( if that makes sense) but if the gap is less then i suppose its different. I cried for weeks at the beginning,middle and end of my pregnancy. I think I was in mourning for the loss of the relationship I had with my first daughter ( I know it sounds corny but there will be many of you that know what I mean)
Then I thought about the life my daughter will have now she has a sister, I have a sister and a brother and although we dont always get on I know when the chips are down they will be there for me. And I feel that once I am gone then even though she has cousins my daughter, now she has a sister will never be alone. I know the laughs myself , sister and brother have talking about when we were young.
But as some folks have said you never miss what you never had. I think tbh that my eldest has had the best of both, 8 years of having mum and dad to herself and now a very much cherished little sister.
As a lot of people say " What's for you, won't go by you" I think that is true in my case. And now we cant imagine ever thinking that we never wanted another child.