Should we stop??

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Hey ladies....and gents!

Right I need your honest opinions about my situation and how TTC has affected your relationships......

Ok so DH and I decided after giving it some serious thought for a long time that we wanted to try for a baby of our own as opposed to adopting which we had first set out to do. So since Jan we have been ttc!

I have tried to stop things becoming mechanical and tried to keep everything alive but you all know what its like at times when you know from a ''certain date to a certain date'' your TRYING to get pregnant and if not careful it all becomes a bit monontonous!

Well weve BD since last sunday, think I ov'd sat or sunday ish.....we missed sat as I wasnt well, twice on sunday and as it takes place up to 36 hours after the surge appears we intended on carrying on with the BD'ing indefinatley!

So last night, DH was very late home from work, very cranky, so by the time we had a shower and chilled out for couple hours he was ready for sleep!!

Ermmm NO!!!!

I have explained this whole ovulation thing several times now and he KNOWS theres a limited amount of time during the month when the magic can happen and that we have to mazimise our chances of it happening by doing everything we can!

But NO....his tackle wouldnt wake up, he was laying there just about nodding off and I felt........cheap and unnatractive! Yes cheap is the only way I can describe how I felt and I felt I was doing something wrong wanting to have sex as regardless of the fact were TTC I still want sex because I love him and enjoy it with him!

So I stopped what I was doing which then made him wide awake....he wanted to know what was wrong.....so after I stomped out of bed to get my nanna pj's on I told him!!

I told him I felt like us TTC is one sided atm, that I feel like Im promting everything and hes taking no interest at all..... hes just performing on demand when I tell him we have to TT and that hes never initiating anything anymore.....

Ive asked him if he feels under pressure and he says def not yet last sat when we had sex which wasnt literally a BD it was totally different, like it was before we decided to try for a baby! So whats gone wrong???
Sex has very quickly become a chore, mechanical, unpleasent, and all one sided!! And I dont know how to incorporate sex and TTC sex so that theres no difference and so that he doesnt feel under pressure as Im sure this is the problem!

What do I do??

Coz if we havent done it this month I am seriously thinking about giving up and getting my coil back in!!

I dont want our marriage to suffer as a result of all this then for things to go pear shaped if we do have another baby!

He text me this morning saying sorry for last night and that just because hes not outwardly as excitied as I am, that it doesnt mean hes not feeling the same way.....I dont know how to put this right!

Any ideas? How did you cope if you have had this problem and is it a problem which can be made right again?

Im so unhappy at, think thats why Im not over obsessive with the symptom spotting etc this time as I feel like Im the only one excited if we are/do get pregnant!

Thanks for reading and sorry its a long one but as nobody knows I can only lean on you guys for answers and advice xxxx

 

[nmf1987]

sorry you feel like this hun.

i think the best thing to do is relax. he obviously wants it aswell but is more relaxed about it all. ( they normally are as until we say we are pregnant they just have their fun time if you like).

i am in the same boat. my other half told me he wanted me to stop the pill and for us to start a family but he isn't in any particular hurry for it to happen as it will in the end. where as i like you have all the pressures, the 2ww and the disappointment of the witch arriving.

i have just got used to the fact that it will happen( as it will for you) and when it does it will be amazing. we are all on here whenever you need us. the one thing you need to do is enjoy each other as no matter what happens and how long it takes at least you have got each other and you love each other. thats the most important thing.

good luck hun. hope it happens for you soon.

nadia xxx

 

[Laura_C]

Oh Wilma, I totally understand what you are saying. Sex can become like a chore when TTC. I'm lucky with Grace we weren't actively trying and in actual fact due to all my gynae problems we hadn't had sex for over a year!! Not for want of trying I might add, and we had sex ONCE yes just ONCE and I fell pregnant unexpectedly.

We are now actively trying for baby number 2 and already I am fed up - fell pregnant the first month and then had a miscarriage. I am exhausted and conciously have babymaking on my brain. I have now decided to sod all the tracking of my ov day etc and just go with it and see what happens. I think all the stressing about fertile days etc does no good to anyone. I got totally confused using opks as i didn't think I had a positive the very cycle I got my BFP - we BD 3 times in that whole month, so I was totally convinced we hadn't done enough. The first two days were during my estimated fertile days and the third was later in the month and I actually think that is when I conceived.

I am saying this now but I guarantee when I start my first cycle after miscarriage I'll be getting the opks out!!!

It def does affect your sex life, especially if it is something both of you want so badly.

 

[toni64539]

Hi sweetie, your a couple of months ahead of me so not in same boat as yet but could very much see myself being if I didn't conceive fairly quickly. I can see where your coming from with wanting to have your coil back in but why not stop trying but stop preventing too, then of you tell yourself you've stopped trying you might relax a bit and could fall on anyway. You've decided u want a baby so you've made the biggest decision. And if by next January still nothing why not re think adoption then? You have to stay positive. The most healthiest and fertile people in the world could still take a year. Not good to hear cos a year seems so far away and I will probably be worse than you in my third month but just wanted to give you some encouragement. All the best getting a bfp soon, don't lose the dream x

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Thanks Nadia.....your right, I think in general the men although they want a baby too just dont get as excitied and into it all as we do until the baby is actually concieved or even born......I just dont want a baby concieved out of duty and thats how its starting to feel......god I out to know better about what makes men tick at my age lol!! Thanks Mrs xxxx

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Thanks Laura.....its just so hard to try and keep things normal when your reveted to a time scale.... I must admit I am so tempted atm to put all the test strips away too and just see waht happend but I know subconciously I will be looking out for Ov date in my head....lol! But its stressing both of us out and casuing problems that werent there before we TTC....I just hope were strong enough to cope with it all and come up smelling of roses..... Got preg after one month with DD so didnt have any of this pressure going on and now time is ticking on I feel even more pressure that if it doenst happen very soon it just wont happen!! Grrrrrrrr......Thanks again Laura hope your doing well and good luck for your next round xxxx

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Hey Toni, thank you.....yeah its frustrating when I nievely thought that because it only took a month with DD it would be the same this time....NOT!

But yup going to try and not focus everything on having a baby if weve not done it this time around and hopefully relaxing a bit more might do the trick xxxx

 

[Toonlass]

It took us 5 months to conceive my youngest and me and OH became like this. He started to feel under pressure to 'perform' and it wasn't fun. I stopped mentioning fertile times to him and just randomly throughout the month let him initiate things and sometimes i would too, i just made sure it happened at the right times without mentioning it to him. I didn't even tell him when i was in the TWW and testing. He found things alot easier this way as i took the burden of TTC off him. But i had my forum to sound off in and for support. xx

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Thansk Toonlass that sounds like a plan......might give that a try...... See I have to admit Ive not particularly got a high sex drive these days so its was nearly always DH initiating sex with me the odd time but obvisouly its me all the time now....so maybe if I stop reminding him of the important dates etc he might go back to initiating it and who knows.....thanks for that it helps to get a different view of things xxxx

 

[ToffeePop]

II didn't even tell him when i was in the TWW and testing.

Was going to say the same thing - OH wouldn't know if I was ovulating or breathing, so best not to even tell him I did OV sticks quite blatantly last month just because we were talking about it all, and I wanted him to know that I wasn't being a paranoid lunatic or getting "excited" about nothing (positive OPK when you have PCOS is a bonus ) but since then, nada.

I'm keeping as schtum as possible so he knows I'm not just jumping all over him because it's "BABY TIME" - wouldn't want to put him off

Big to you Wilma. I'm sure it'll all pan out in the end and he sounds very supportive

 

[sarah1]

Hi Wilma, I feel exactly the same as you - we also started trying in Jan, think I had an early m/c last month but not sure as we tried not to test too much! but this month it has been difficult TTC and I also got really mad at OH for saying he was 'tired'. Its like we put all the effort in working dates out etc and our bodies have so much to go through. I have IBS and often my tummy hurts so much I don't feel like BDing but I would if I knew it was ov time, I'd try and get in the mood! Think that OH thinks we only have to do it once a month and we'll be ok.
Its so frustrating, and difficult when you try to relax isnt it? I might try the same as you and stop trying to track every day so much....we're not a couple who BD's a lot when we are working cos we are so busy so wouldn't want to miss it either! But I think its important also to keep talking about it, my OH sounds a bit like yours - outwardly not very excited about the whole thing!!!
Sorry this has turned into a moan, just wanted you to know you're not alone xxxx fingers crossed for our BFP's!!!

 

[Snappykat]

Hi Wilma, we've been trying since the start of the Dec and I have to say my OH was so delighted for the first couple of months and then things started to go downhill. Last month was a nightmare I felt like I was vitually throwing myself at him , he then wasn't well (man flu) just before I ovulated (I was using strips which made it worse!). Don't get me wrong we did manage to to do it at the right time just not enough for my liking. I think the problem is they have a different idea of the whole thing they think great I'll be able to whenever I want, on tap if you like, until the time comes when we say right we need to do it now and it's all about the pressure we are putting them under. So this month I'm going to do exactly as toffepops says keep my big gob shut and just act coy and I'm hoping it will be a different story. I really don't think they are interested in the ways and hows of ovulation anyway, just the interesting bit. So now my lips are sealed

 

[jarjar7]

Hi Wilma, I have to say I am so shocked reading all these posts cos I thought I was the only one in this position!! My OH has a child from his previous and it was an accident (in the nicest possible way) so he seems to have this idea that doing it willy nilly will result in a . He has said since we started (sorry, thought if I punctuated it with pics then my message wouldn't seem so long and boring!!) that he dont want it turning into a job, it being regimented like 'we have to do it twice a day for the next 5 days, no excuses'...he hasn't got the highest sex drive and because I know when my OV days are I always initiate the at the times we should be doing it and if I get a response of 'I'm too tired' or similar I would get the hump and it would turn into a row...However, I may have had a breakthrough, I have come on today after being 8 days late and I dont know if that has switched something in his brain because I told him this morning by E mail that I had come on and the response I got was shocking...he said he wants me to sit and tell him when my OV dates will be and he will make sure he is rested so he can 'do his best to make sure it happens for us' (his exact words)...soooo, after that very long message I guess the moral is that you never know how the male species will react and you really dont know how your OH is thinking...the longer it goes on the more it may play on his mind and he may surprise you with some good words...these men are very hard to work out but I like to think there is actually some good going on behind their 'not that bothered' attitudes... Good luck to you hon and hope it all works out...sending you good positive thoughts. xxx

 

[SmallPurpleCat]

I can relate to this and am only on second month of trying... great advice Toonlass - will try that.

And I guess it's key to communicate with them but save all the nutty/obsessive stuff for here!

 

[Princess81]

I agree with the other girls mrs, just don't say anything to him about fertile days, 2ww etc and just get him hot under the covers - which seems spontaneous to him but is carefully planned by you - everyone's happy!

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Hey tp, sarah, snappy, jj spc and princess.....first of all waht a relief to get so many replies and thank you so much for your open and honest answers as like you all I thought I was the only one whos husband appeared uninterested in all the technical stuff!!

I continued my silence with him when he got in from work simply because he thought it was ok to come and whisper sweet nothings in my ear and that all was well again.....but NOPE....he knows me better! lol!

However we went out for dinner and eventually after he grovelled a bit (hes not a man of many grovelling words lol) we started to talk again!

He said its his way of dealing with the situation and that the reason he is afraid to get excited about it all is incase it doesnt happen or something goes wrong..... He said he doesnt build himself up so that if nothing happens he cant get too upset.....Hmmmmmm I understand his way of thinking but I cant understand how he can switch of like that.....

So when we came home he was pestering me for a 'cuddle' (sex) but I explained that I was still upset and mad at him and that I couldnt just switch on when 'he' wanted to sex! Im still pretty upset about it all but kinda understand his reasons for the way he presents himself throughout all this!!!

So Im going to take all your good advice and tips and not let him know when Im testing and if AF does show up then I will approach next round of BD'ing with more descretion!

He is def supportive in general in anything I do or want so I now I have that I just wish he wasnt so scared and could enjoy trying.....fingers crossed he will give the last couple days events some thought and see things from our side....its lonely trying to do this alone with only the input of their swimmers isnt it.....

Well thanks again everyone I do feel better knowing im not alone and that theres nothing wrong with me personally.....good luck and BFP's for us all the way please xxxx

 

[JJ Mum]

Blimey we are all having the same trouble !!!

With my last child my OH got really "stage fright" I can only call it and it took so much longer!
When I initiate it thats once, but then if I initiate either then next day or day after he knows the dates are the ones!!! He works nights and I work days so we are not a "at it like rabbits" type of couple!

I couldn't believe my luck falling pregant first month this time, and this saved this problem and then I had a D&C at 11 +5 days as the baby had died

Now I wanted to go for it tonight and he knows and so he went and got a beer and said I don't fancy it tonight so I brought a beer to help me, so I kind of went mad! and told him I would need a beer or beer goggles to be going near him! God hormonal!!!

So now we are not talking ( a rare thing for us) and he is asleep - snoring on the sofa and I am sitting here typing this message on the other arm chair! My great plans to make a baby are working a treat!

So don't worry girls we are all in the same boat, I just wish the men were!!!!

Perhaps I will turn the channel to that channel that shows that dodgy program sexectra I catch him watching late at night - and turn up the volume, and see if that wakes him up, and then ignore him and sneek up to bed and see if he chooses to follow later ! ha ha the things we do

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Ha like your plan JJ.....But yes although its not nice for us ladies Im glad others have replied too as I was really thinking everyone one else was just floating along and that I was the only one having these problems! I wish men were more upfront like we are tho and maybe came to somewhere like this just so they could also see that its not just 'their' wives/partners that are throwing a mental when they 'dont fany it'!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

i think he would also know as im not usually up for a sessiong very often....but obvisouly TTC means Im literally up for it as soon as he walks in the door....lol! Also got a teenage daughter in the house who kindly text me last week saying 'Shhhhhh' so Im also a bit paranoid now and think right do it when we can and not when we time it! Arrrrggggghhhhh this is soooooo hard!!
Well hes away to bed after finally getting the message that I wasnt up for a 'cuddle' tonight and Im thinking 'T**T I hope Ive not cut my nose off to spite my face!!! lol What are we like! Good luck tho JJ I hope things happen for you asap....must be so hard after MC......hugs xxxx