Should I just let him go???

[DaisyRose]

Hi Everyone,

Have been reading some of your posts here about unplanned pregnancies and bloke's doubt about them, and it really makes me think back to my situation 6 years ago!!!

I feel really guilty about posting this, like it is somehow disloyal to my OH but I really don't know what to do, and there is no one really I can talk to who will give me a balanced view!!!

OH and I fell madly in love 11yrs back but things went wrong when his ex turned up on the scene (he'd never really got over her). Anyway, I was gutted and suffered with depression etc, but we broke up, only to get back together 18 months later when he had sorted himself out. Soon after that he was diagnosed with reoccurrant depression, had a break down and has been on happy pills ever since! Anyway, everything was absolutely fine, had a good social life etc etc when I fell pregnant. I always knew I wanted the baby but he wasn't so sure, but I talked him around and he got used the the idea given time. We moved in together but it was very difficult as I have problems too and he is not the most patient of people. Daughter was born, things got a little better, had 2nd daughter and then moved to somewhere we are much happier.

I have continued to have probs which have made my OH's life difficult - because of his depression he's not the most tolerant of people and needs a lot of space; also he spends a lot of time working so we don't see him much in the week and I have got used to doing everything myself. Anyway, it was me who really wanted the 3rd baby (he didn't but reluctantly agreed; then I miscarried which made me even more desperate and I got really selfish about it!!!).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, he came back on Friday and said that he is not sure about us anymore, and is feeling like he wants 'out' now because he is so fed up of the way I am, and also that he never really wanted to be tied by kids (particularly 3) and wants the freedom to be able to go out when he wants, stay up all night and be himself again. I have since said I'll will seek counselling/ therapy for my probs, and that I will really make an effort to get a life back for ourselves but he just doesn't seem to want to put in the work. He says he hasn't made up his mind, but I'm not so sure! He's not going to run off before LO is born but it is really upsetting me and I'm in a right state!! I'm constantly on edge - feel like my life is falling apart, and I haven't a clue where I'll be in 6 months time. It could all be ok, or maybe not!!!

The thought of being on my own with 3 children terrifies me, the girls will be devastated, and in order to get the support I really will need, I may have to move to Spain (I have no family here apart from a Grandad with dementia in a home) so he will hardly ever see them. Also I still really love him but I don't know what to do for the best????? Sorry for the long post!!

 

[lfc_sarah]

Awww firstly

It seems a bit like hes resenting you for having the kids... but it does take 2 to make a child..
He has to realise that!

You say that you pushed him into the 3rd pregnancy, but he did agree, so he cant really go back on his word and blame you for it all.
Just because women carry the baby, doesnt mean its totally them...

Maybe your OH just feels a bit trapped, like he doesnt have the freedom to go out with his mates ect when he wants to, which is all part of having children..
Even though you can compramise.

I dont really know what to say apart from try and talk to him, sort out say a rota... so he can go out one weekend...
And then you can go out the next with your friends..
Might make him feel less trapped..
Aswell as the other problems which you said you would seek help for..

 

[Jimmer]

Hiya - really sorry you are having these things to sort out. First, lots of



Would he be willing to go along to a counselling session with you? There are some fantastic relationship counsellors, and having an intermediary who can help you talk through some things would be really good, believe me. I know lots of couples who have been in very similar situations who have been able to sort things out. The problem is always that between you there is, naturally, huge emotions, history, etc - and having someone to steer you through can be so helpful.

Really hope you can find a way through. I know lots of good websites with links to local psychotherapists, counsellors, so if you would like some, please pm me and I will put together a list for you.

 

[keli]

You sound like you need some of these xx

 

[Babylicious]

 

[Squiglet]

It really annoys me when men say they've had enough, they miss their freedom and they want out..leaving the woman struggling to bring up the kids... don't they think we miss our freedom too? If they value their freedom that much, they shouldn't have had sex and risked having kids.

Tia wasn't planned...her father missed being young and free, and continued his life at the expense of food, heating and a roof over his daughters head. I ended up moving to Spain as all my family lived here and only my elderly grandmother was still in the UK and she lived in a home. My ex hasn't seen her in nearly four years through his own choice, as he is welcome to see her at anytime and to call but I haven't really had the dosh to go over to the UK... apparently his single life was too much fun to be bothered with his daughter, but he has since rekindled his interest this month.

my move to Spain wasn't bad...but I wouldn't recommend it unless you have free child care... ie parents who don't work. there are no benefits here and work is hard to come by if you don't speak Spanish. You will also loose all your UK benefits. The CSA won't do diddly squat for you if you leave the UK, so if your OH decides, like my ex, that he doesn't want to waste his money on the children he helped create, you have no recourse. So don't come here unless you have a good financial support structure in place.

tbh you've been together for such a long time that this is probably a hump in the relationship which all relationships go through.... talk to your OH see if you can work things through before making any big decisions

 

[DaisyRose]

Thanks ever so much for your replies everyone.

Things are still not looking great - am exhausted because I didn't sleep last night - we had a long talk and I think I have persuaded him to at least try (I think we do need the help of a relationship counsellor though). Also had a call from my Mum in Spain last night to say my Dad had been taken ill in hospital (he hasn't been well for a long time) and had to have an op. I am waiting to hear and was half expecting a call saying he had died to come in the middle of the night!!!

I think a lot of the problem is that OH feels very isolated. I have made new friends through toddler groups etc so have a bit of a social life (although not as much as I would like) but OH travels a long way to work everyday and is very tired at the weekend so he rarely gets out, and all his long term mates have moved (and almost all of them are either single and childless which doesn't help). We don't really have mutual friends at the mo. which is a shame - it is just so hard to arrange anything. He does go and visit mates alone sometimes and I have no problem with this but don't really want them here as they tend to get really drunk, and I just can't deal with it now!!! I have a few issues with drunk men as my Dad used to get like that, and still is pretty much an alchy now!!!

I know what you mean about Spain Squiglet. My Mum, Dad and bro live there - M & D have a business that me and OH have considered buying and running once they give up but you're right about benefits - I couldn't afford to buy a place and the shop on my own, and parents can't afford to just give it to me as they're struggling a bit too (bro still lives at home because you're right, there's not much out there unless one speaks Spanish). I would have to think very carefully about it but I guess at least I would have free childcare! I also worry about the schools - what are they like??

 

[dannii87]

I'm so sorry you are going through this torment. It must be really difficult for you when a situation like your Dad's health is thrown into the mix.

You wanted neutral opinions and so here's my 2 cents;

Could it be that he is suffering a mid life crisis (early)? Sometimes I think when a routine changes, it can be pretty scary to some people. With his good friends moving away and work being so stressful and time consuming, I can understand how he might feel "stuck in a rut" but he has to learn that he can't threaten that he isn't happy when he isn't all too willing to help move things forward and then to say "he hasn't made up his mind". I'm a believer that you should never leave someone in limbo unless you plan to sort things out.

The people I know who have suffered with depression like things to stay the same, but perhaps he is wanting a change of routine?

If you can, I'd recommend getting a babysitter, going somewhere quiet for a REALLY long chat and suggesting one evening a week (or every other week) where you spend time together rekindling that "falling in love" feeling all over again.

It sounds to me like you have a relationship worth saving, but you need to know if he feels the same.

A relationship of 11 years is a long time to throw away, I can't imagine he'd take the decision lightly, or you for that matter. And it does sound to me as though he is going through a rocky time so instead of trying to sort your own problem out, and hopefully going to counselling together, it sounds as though he needs some support for HIM alone...

I don't know what to suggest hun and there is no simple answer to something like this.

Can I just add, happy children have happy parents - Remember that. My Mum & Dad split when I was 15 and although the actual "breaking up" devastated me, in the long term me and my brothers are so much better off because my Mum has a partner she loves and my Dad is very happy - and in turn, we are happy

Also, try to remember that he isn't going to be thinking straight if his depression is rearing it's ugly head again - depression can mar someone's thought process so he may need time to really gain a clear view on the relationship.

Hope everything works out for you xxx

 

[mamichuli]

Hi hun, I really dont know what to say about your relationship, just send you lots of hugs...depression is a big problem - my ex was/is deppresive and it is so complex...

I did want to say about moving to Spain, that Squiglet's advice is very sound, re finance, as there are very few benefits for children. You would, though get some help given that you have three kids, with travel expenses and some other things, as you would be considered "familia numerosa" (large family) and this entails discounts in transport, school lunches, etc.

As far as state schooling, there are very good schools, and the kids pick up the language very quickly, as they have extra help classes for children from other countries to learn the language. Where do your parents live? How long have they been in Spain? Feel free to pm me if you want to talk...

Lisa

 

[Sherlock]

Hiya, have some of these

I echo what some of the others have said, but can I just point out one thing to keep hold of in this atm. He is still there. He's not walked out on you. That has to say something. Yes he is confused and needing to get things sorted in his head, but he didn't just walk out the door having made up his mind already. He talked to you. He is still there and prepared to try something.

I'd really suggest that if the social isolation etc is a big problem then you both seriously consider reloacting to somewhere where you will both be happy with your lives and have some friends around you. Or at least getting a babysitter in and going out with people locally, or just as a couple. You have to make the most of what is there for you both. Relying on what you had in the past isn't good as comparing will get him or you nowhere.

Couples stagnate for many reasons. Things can tick over for a while but usually something cause things to come to a head and for one partner to wake up and realise they are not happy. I guess your third baby has possibly brought this out in your partner. If he had doubts but agreed, chances are those doubts didn't really go away. And his depression obviously isn't helping matters. It does take two to make a baby, but your partner had issues and didn't address them at the time, so has to work it out with you now.

I really do wish you all the best and hope you can work things out and move forward

 

[DaisyRose]

Hi,

They think my Dad is going to be ok. He had an emergency op to repair a perforated stomach ulcer but he's recovering reasonably well now.

Thanks for all your support Dannii, Lisa and Sherlock. I do agree, things have somewhat stagnated for us, and although I really enjoy the kids/ baby stuff, OH feels that everything revolves around this. The trouble is, he spends so much time commuting to work that he is exhausted at the weekend, and just seems to want to lay about. He's got better but it has always been a battle to get him out to do anything with us (don't think the happy pills help! I think he really does feel in a rut, and now the reality of a third baby has hit, I think he's panicking and seeing his life flying past!! I probably shouldn't have pushed him, I know, but what can I do now, and I would still do absolutely anything for this LO.

Yes, I think he needs to seek more help with his depression (although he insists that this is not the problem this time) and it does concern me that he has changed tablets since I got pregnant (the last time he was on Prozac he had a breakdown). He obviously feels very guilty about hurting me again like this (I'm having my moments of being quite tearful) but I worry too that he is going to make a bad decision and end up in the mess he was in a few years back. I do think it is a very good sign that he's still here and at least willing to try yet I don't know how long I can hang on with everything up in the air - I went through hell last time and ended up a wreck because he just couldn't make up his mind. I had to walk away myself in the end to keep myself from going over the edge! I can't end up like that again - have LOs to think about!!!

We have considering relocating, and I think this is still a really good idea - only a few months back we were considering buying my parent's shop in Spain - we could both work part time in the shop and have more time to do the other things we'd love to do; my family are there so we'd have some practical help with the kids (have no one at present and are currently too broke to afford babysitters on a regular basis). Only prob is, parents can't afford to part with it at the mo. The other option is the Brighton area where we have quite a few friends. OH isn't so keen now - he wants to make sure he still wants to be with me before moving again!

It is really very difficult and am going to do everything I can to make sure we don't send the weekend moping around (it really isn't fair on the girls - you're right Dannii, unhappy parents make their kids miserable).

Thanks again I really appreciate it.

 

[jenna]