Should I stay or should I go?!!

[HideiLu]

Firstly I apologise in advance if this drags on, I'll try to keep it short and include all the info.

Me and OH have been having a few problems for a while;

Since finding out about LO in late Jan, he blanks me if I even try and mention it or make plans. He says every one else keeps asking him how things are, and if I talk about it too it adds to the 'pressure' everyone is putting on him. He keeps making constant flippant remarks that he'll run away.

He lost his job about 3 weeks ago, and as my own business which I run from home is fairly new, the money isn't steady yet, so I went out the next day and started temping. He's spent most of his time since, going out getting drunk (including going out til5am the night I found out about LO and was in floods of tears) or round his friends playing computer games from 10am-10pm. If I try and say anything or help out he makes out that Im nagging and he just wants time with his mates. I've got him some work through some friends of mine which is topless waitering. Last night he woke me up while I was asleep to ask me to put tan on his back when he got out the shower, then flipped out when I said I'd do it tomorrow. It blew up in to a massive argument with him telling me to shut up, clamming a door in my face and saying I was selfish and unhelpful.

I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm always being told that I am the one who doesn't do enough - yet I'm running the business in the evenings, doing promotional work at the weekends and spending every night til about 11pm working on the business, and trying to fit in time to help him find work, do the washing, cooking and cleaning in between.

I don't ask for anything off him but cuddles and kisses (yes I have to ask) and pay my way for everything. I've treated him to loads of evenings out, a trip to disneyland and tour of paris, plus another trip to France in April which I've booked and paid for, yet he's complaining that I asked if he could contribute towards petrol to get to the airport.

I posted in 2nd Tri before about a lads holiday he wants to go on in July (month before baby due) which is all single lads in a s**gging/clubbing resort. I've asked him for his own sake to be around incase anything were to happen with baby or it be here early, he wouldn't want to miss out on that precious meeting of his child for the sake of a p**s up. He just turns it round again saying he needs the time with the lads and wont settle for something closer to home and makes out I'm being selfish.

I left last night to go and stay at a friends and cried most of the night. This might sound bad, but it was the first time I really felt connected with the baby. I was apologising for letting it down before it has even arrived by not being good enough for Daddy.

I know that some people have bigger problems in relationships and I feel really petty for mentioning any of this but I just can't stop crying and don't know whether I'd be better off if he wasn't around so I could at least concerntrate on looking after this little person growing inside me now.

There's so much more, but I'll stop ranting now....don't want to be selfish and hog all the forum space! x
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[mrs_tommo22]

Grrrr, the idiocies of men thast havent grown up!

Im really sorry to read about the situation with your OH, he sounds like a little boy in a mans body. He needs to grow up and accept that it took 2 of you to make the baby - he has responsabilites to you and the baby, lads holiday that is funny!and before your due as well, hmmm

Im sorry its causing you so much unhappieness but if your happier without your oh about there are many single mothers that have made a success of their lives and their childrens.

If he can make stupid remarks about running away and leaving you to deal with this on your own, then hes not ready to make a commitment to you and his child.

I personally would give him a ultimatum and if he got funny about it. Id then tell him shag off and grow up.

You deserve better and you know it.

 

[dannii87]

Aww Lucie I knew it was pretty bad but didn't know it was this bad!!

Re your PM, do NOT feel bad about posting this because as a woman who is doing this alone, I honestly honestly honestly feel SOOOO much better off! Yeah I've been through a crap time at Xmas but it's over and done with now so I can carry on! I can't imagine what torment you're going through and it really IS much worse than my situation so please don't feel bad.

I feel like I've got to know you so well since being on here and having our chats and you do so much for him. You are parenting an adult! It's going to be so tough having to look after baby AND him.

I don't want you to act on someone's advice on here because I know that when you go through bad times with partners and complain about it to friends and family, you only speak of the bad in the relationship and there is obviously some good because you wouldn't be with him now. I just want you to take the advice of people on here and make your own decision.

With situations like this, you hit a point of no return... If you feel as though you'd struggle, try to hang in there until that day where you just KNOW you can't do it anymore and that will be your strength to leave.

So, what I would do (not saying you should), is tell him that I am leaving and that it's not working and despite desperately trying to MAKE it work, I can't do that alone and a relationship is a partnership. I'd just say that I think it's best to part ways and do it alone because I know I wouldn't let the baby down and that I couldn't trust him to do the same the way things are. I'd say that unfortunately, baby is now my priority and he needs to get his head around that. Finally, I'd up and go one night and leave the rest to him.

Chances are, he'll come around in time, but it sounds like he needs a deep sharp shock in order to make him do that.

Personally, if the thought of a baby entering the world that is going to rely on you both doesn't change him, nothing will, least of all you.

He really has to get his arse in gear.

On another note, if he really wanted to be single and do the "ladsy" thing like the holiday, he could so easily walk away and forget about you and baby, but he hasn't. Although he's made a right prat of himself and acted like a selfish child half the time, he is still there which I do give credit for in a strange way!

Anyway, keep us updated and I really do hope everything works out for you. If anyone deserves it, it's you. You're a gem, really kind, caring, thoughtful and just sweet in every way - he should notice that. xxx

 

[trixipaws]

omg what a DICK.

how old is he, 12??? seriously, he really needs to grow up. dont feel bad or guilty to the baby, its him who should apologise. sorry i dont kno what 2 say, hope u work something out thats good for u and the baby whether u decide 2 stay or go

 

[mamichuli]

Aww hun, first of all, lots of hugs, you need 'em.

There are no easy answers here, but it seems to me that something you need to think about is what it will be like when your baby has arrived. If he cannot be bothered with you now, holidays and parties seem to be more important than you, what will it be like when the baby is born? Will he help with feeding, washing, cuddling? or will he most likely be out with the lads, coz he "needs his time with his mates?
I know it would be hard to go it alone, but would you have your family's support?

Hope you reach a decision that ultimately makes you happy



Lisa

 

[nickilubs]

He sounds like my evil ex and probley like ALOT of other peoples exes...think that might be where he will have to stand with you till he sorts himself and his priority's out. Going away on holiday "with the lads" and getting pished when number 1.You may be giving birth and number 2.You don't sound as if you have the money to waste and now he has lost his job it will be your money hes drinking away.

Also I have been in the asking for a hug or kiss thing and its soooo f*xking hurtful. It used to make me cry so much because you feel as if theres something wrong with you.

Mabey go stay with a friend for a while just so you can have some time away go out and have some fun and meet some new people. This is what made me realize I had to get out of my old relationship. So many people made me realize that I could live with out him. And I knew....as you probley do as this sounds so familiar when you come home the next day....he wont even ask if you had a good evening.

I hope you get this sorted soon. I hope I don't sound too harsh with any of this its only meant to help you not upset you

 

[HideiLu]

Thanks for all your replies ladies. Very very much appreciated.

I have been thinking over the whole going it alone from the start, but I couldn't afford to do it here (Brighton) and don't have family here or many friends as moved here alone and spent most of the time since touring. Got a few family back in Hastings, and the rest are still in France. I know if i was alone I would have to move back there but it's such a depressing place and full of awful crimes!

Also, as I have the business, I'm not entitled to any maternity allowance or pay, and the temp place have offered to keep me on until baby is here which is great as its round the corner, they know I'm preggers (hard to hide now anyways!) and have worked my hours round my own business.

If I had someone living round the corner so I could keep working I would, as I also need to be able to come home to use my business phone line and PC.

This might sound like I'm being niave, but a lot of the time he is not doing things to hurt me on purpose but it's his own niavity that means he does half the stuff he does! (Even his Mum said to me in private that he needs to mature a lot more and he can be very selfish!).

I'm going to try sitting down with him tomorrow when he's back and having a chat. Even been writing down a few questions for him to write replies to find out how he's been feeling about stuff and make him realise how he makes me feel! It sounds a bit child like but each time we try and talk things over he turns it all round and I'll end up in tears or we'll argue so want to get my point across peacefully and for him to reflect alone. Even when I found out he'd been messaging girls on the internet he managed to turn it round to be my fault! An totally with you on the hugs, makes me feel not good enough or attractive.

THE END....sorry essay again Thanks so much to you all for being so patient in ready my megatron posts and for your support...it's a lot more than I'm getting here! xx

 

[Mildly]

I hope you get things sorted out with your OH He does sound like he's being very childish but the books do say, men often find it difficult to connect with the baby until it is here. Although it doesn't excuse his actions perhaps he is trying to get all of his 'hanging out with his mates' time in before the baby arrives.

Hopefully a serious chat with him will help you work out how you want to proceed

 

[lfc_sarah]

It seems like hes panicing a bit...
...Thinking that when the baby comes he wont be able to see his mates like he does now
What he doesnt realise is, is that hes being selfish and acting quite childish...

The threats he makes? Leaving you alone with the baby? Whats all that about?
Is he trying to say let me do what i want or ill leave?

It also sounds like hes taking you for granted, big time!
All you ask for is attention and it feels like your doing your best to do everything for him and both of you, aswel as your unborn baby.

The going away a month before the babys due... really is quite wrong on his part.
I can understand to a point, him wanting to go away before the bays born... but if the baby WAS born early.. hed regret it big time.
My OH had a holiday planned with all of his mates right after our baby is due to be born, but he cancelled it.
I didnt say anything to him, he made his own mind up.
Your OH doesnt seem to have thought about you or his child in his decision, just about himself and having a good time with his mates.

I think you should just try and talk to him properly.
Try not to get angry or cry.
If you get angry, hell get on the defensive and think your nagging and back off...
And if you cry... He could be one of those lads who think theyve won again..making you upset.

If he wasnt so insensitive would you want to be with him?
Does he make you happy sometimes?
Or are you staying with him because of the baby?

i think you need to think about these questions.
See if anything changes ect...and make a decision on wether you want to be with him.
Not be with him because its easier...
Hope your ok and it works out for you xxxx

 

[dannii87]

Just to add, if you do leave you'll be snapped up straight away because you're a stunner and no man in their right mind wouldn't look twice at you so you won't be alone forever! xx

 

[HideiLu]

Thanks again for the replies ladies, really appreciate having someone to listen

I didn't do the writing down as was going to get in to bed and do it then but he got home earlier than I expected, but went straight to bed. Tried to have a little talk with him the morning but this is how things went yesterday.

Aside from pointing out everything I do about the place, I explained that one of my issues was needing to talk about the baby more and start getting prepared.

So about an hour later...remember he still has no permanent job...he says he wants to get an XBox 360 right away so he can play 'Halo' ....£260!!! I tried to explain we had a lot of other things to think about and to get around the house first but he went on about it and said he has the money to afford it and we got ready to go to town. Before we left, I asked if we could also pick up a set of shelves I had seen in Argos (£30) to store some baby bits and also my clothes (he has a wardrobe, I dont!) he went sulky and said he couldn't afford it! Of course I got even more upset! He was willing to spend £260 on a computer but not £15 on something we need! He agreed in the end after lots of tears that we could go to Mothercare and sped up to £15 each, so we got a set of bath bits and tub.

Anyway, we got home and he set up the XBox...in the living room! This is the only room with TV connected up to an ariel, and also the only room with internet where I work. I asked if he could set it up to the TV in the bedroom, but he said its not big enough (bedroom 26in living room 28in)

Again I gave in, but the colour kept flicking to black and white, so he stated that we NEED to get a brand new plasma HD TV so he could play this game!!!! I pointed out we don't NEED another TV (we already have 3 in the flat which are all fairly new!) And for the money he was spending on all this stuff we could get everything for baby! And guess what...everything was turned on me again!! Saying how I'm being controlling and he has lost his freedom to do what he wants! Really, it's what I call being a responsible adult and prioritising things! The only thing I have bought for myself in the past 6 months is one pair of maternity trousers and a few bigger tops for work!

ARGHHHHH! Sorry for another bloody rant! He just can't see anything from my point of view, and only apologises or anything when I get very upset, but nothing changes!

I really wish I could just get away somewhere, but it's hard with work right here and the business at home!

 

[Jade&Evie]

I know how you feel- my OH is being exactly the same at the moment. We are going to sit down and have a nice long chat about it tonight so if he reveals any secrets of why men are suck idiots sometimes I shall let you know...

 

[HideiLu]

Cheers hun...was just writing in your thread at the same time!!