Problems with my relashionship now I'm Pregnant

[ladyminklett]

Hi
I'm 43 and this is my first Pregnancy ever. Although we have never used any protection for 16 years it just never happend . About 4 years ago my Husbands sperm was deemed poor quality and our chances of conception were given at about 2% this was upsetting but I'm a great believer in things happen for a reason although not always evident at the time. We thought about IVF but ruled out due to costs and mental torture should it not work, we couldn't afford to keep trying. About 6 months ago we went to a local Adoption meeting but we both agreed that it wasn't what we thought so we would need to take some time to think about it so we didn't commit ourselves any further that night. 2 Months later my Husband was made redundant so we put all our efforts into making money to keep ourselves afloat. I turned 43 on the 1st of September this year and found out I was 6 weeks Pregnant which for me was the most amazing thing! For my Husband it wasn't.(He was working again at this time) When I told him he rolled over in bed and said nothing, the look on his face said it all. Ever since that day our relationship has changed, we have gone from being a very together couple (we've been together for 25 years) to a pair of strangers. I don't know him anymore...He's says things like it was all ok until that 'Thing' came along, he tells me i've changed, how??? He said he can't explain, he doesn't find me attractive and said he might never again due the Pregnancy, he doesn't cut me any slack for feeling tired or sick (i'm nearly 4 months now so hopefully over the worst), he's making me feel very unattractive and occasionally calls me a 'Freak' due to my apparent hormones. He won't talk about anything to do with the Baby. He has been to the scans but I don't feel he's with me, i feel very alone. I am a strong character and WILL cope whatever but this isn't what I expected, I only ever wanted one Baby and I have my/our wish (or was he just stringing me along saying it's what he wanted)? I've never been overly Maternal I don't 'Goo Goo' at every Baby even now, but it's me I am Pregnant and I'm happy and I want to share that happiness with the man I love. I feel like he's punishing me, mentally torturing me for something that's not my fault. I've an empty place in my life, I work, i've got 2 lovely dogs, I'm fit and healthy but I know the gap will be filled by this beautiful little 'Thing' something that needs me as much as I need it but that doesn't mean to say I would love my Husband any less. He's a really good man, doesn't drink or smoke, doesn't go out with his mates too often, works hard but he has this really hard side to him-he's changed...I'm fearful that when the Baby is born it's going to get even worse so i'm thinking of getting out now but I really don't want to. Pregnancy should be a happy time, for me it is for us it seems an impossible mountain to climb.

 

[lozam80]

Hi

First of all congratulations on the pregnancy and welcome to the forum. I am pretty new to the forum too but the ladies on here have given me advice and their opinons and it really helped me out so fingers crossed you will find it a good place too.

It sounds like your OH (other half just in case) maybe a bit scared of the pregnancy. You said you both went through some hard times before regarding redundancies etc and have been trying for years. With men well with mine anyway it can take a while to sink in - i know its been 4 months so to be fair it should have sunk in by now but men think soooo differently to women. He might be worried that he will not be able to provide for both of you. After the redundancy and now he is back at work he might be thinking that you have both just sorted yourselves out with money etc and maybe this is not the best time.

He has been to the scans so he is showing support that way maybe not in words. How old is your OH? As that could be a reason too - my OH was worried that he was going to be an old dad and thinking all these different thoughts e.g picking them up from school going to be the oldest parent, not being able to play with them and just generally would not be able to do the stuff a father (or young father) should and would do! For so long its been you two and now you will have a new arrival so he is probably finding it hard.

During my pregnancy I felt so unattractive as the one person you want to hear compliments from does not give them to you. My OH did not find me attractive at all (and he voiced it) and found it very hard to relate to what I was experiancing. I would grab his hand and say 'feel feel its kicking' and all i got was 'oh I've felt it before' with a big sigh and roll of the eyes. This used to annoy me so much and we had many a heated discussion about it as I felt he was not interested. But looking back now I realise that it was hard for him to relate to any of it as they dont feel it growing inside you, moving, kicking, hiccuping etc. You are both experiancing different feelings and emotions with the pregnancy.
Once that baby arrives I assure you he will be fine, he may not be hands on as if you are planning on breast feeding its all about the mother and baby in the beginning but once your little one starts to interact with you smiling and cooing I assure you he will love it. I spoke to many people about how my OH was reacting and constantly got told it is a MAN thing.

You have been together for 25 years that is very rare now adays and have by your post gone through so much together give him a bit of time to get his head around it I know its easier said than done. Its fantastic that you are pregnant especially after all you have gone through. Dont feel alone pregnancy is the most amazing and personal experiance a women can through try to enjoy every minute of it as the time flys by so quickly.

Not sure that I have helped much but hope you find some of it helpful? we are here if you need us

xx

 

[ladyminklett]

I'll take everything you said on board and hope that he finds it in his heart to open his mind and embrace what I'm sure will be a very special experience for both of us. This is our one and only chance (he's 46 but very fit and doesn't look his age) we only ever wanted one child so what ever happens my mind has to be focused on making sure that I'm ok even if it means doing it all alone.

X Thank you X

 

[ladyminklett]

I'll take everything you said on board and hope that he finds it in his heart to open his mind and embrace what I'm sure will be a very special experience for both of us. This is our one and only chance (he's 46 but very fit and doesn't look his age) we only ever wanted one child so what ever happens my mind has to be focused on making sure that I'm ok even if it means doing it all alone.

X Thank you X

 

[sinhob]

Oh I really feel for you. This is such a shock obviously and I can imagine you expected him to act totally the opposite to how he is reacting. I don't really know what to say except that hopefuuly by the time your beautiful baby arrives he'll have gone back to being the man you loved. It's quite likely, as lozam80 said, that he's just worried (and maybe a bit depressed) about how he will provide for you both.

Is there anyway you can talk about how you both feel in a neutral setting perhaps? Maybe go out for a meal together or seek some advice from marriage counselling? After all he's had you all to himself all this time and maybe now he's worried you'll never be so close again when in fact having a baby usually brings couples closer to one another.

I'll be thinking about you and hoping things improve soon...

Sinead

 

[lozam80]

That is just the way to think you are the most important person until that baby arrives be strong he will come round x x x

 

[babyblonde]

I think the thing to consider is that if he was REALLY REALLY unhappy about the baby he probably wouldn't have hung around this long. He is obivously sticking with you (albeit whist being what sounds like quite unbearable at times).

I think you need to sit and talk to him about this - because from what you say it sounds like if it comes down to an 'it's me or the baby' situation he probably won't win! It is obviously something he originally wanted from what you have said, and you need to find out from him what has changed since you were thinking about IVF and going to adoption meetings. And, ultimately you need to let him know that he can't keep behaving the way he is and expect to keep you and his child in his life.

It may be that he had to change his entire way of thinking when you found you were unlikely to have a child and that now that is having to change again and he is finding that very hard. He probably had all these new plans and ideas of what the two of you, as a childless couple, would do together over the coming years which now have to change. He will also have all the same concerns and fears as any dad-to-be - especially being a first time dad at a slightly older age than most.

I really hope that you two can work it out and that he can come around to see what a true miracle this baby really is and what a blessing it will be to you both.