Problems with my relashionship now I'm Pregnant

[ladyminklett]

Hi
I'm 43 and this is my first Pregnancy ever. Although we have never used any protection for 16 years it just never happend . About 4 years ago my Husbands sperm was deemed poor quality and our chances of conception were given at about 2% this was upsetting but I'm a great believer in things happen for a reason although not always evident at the time. We thought about IVF but ruled out due to costs and mental torture should it not work, we couldn't afford to keep trying. About 6 months ago we went to a local Adoption meeting but we both agreed that it wasn't what we thought so we would need to take some time to think about it so we didn't commit ourselves any further that night. 2 Months later my Husband was made redundant so we put all our efforts into making money to keep ourselves afloat. I turned 43 on the 1st of September this year and found out I was 6 weeks Pregnant which for me was the most amazing thing! For my Husband it wasn't.(He was working again at this time) When I told him he rolled over in bed and said nothing, the look on his face said it all. Ever since that day our relationship has changed, we have gone from being a very together couple (we've been together for 25 years) to a pair of strangers. I don't know him anymore...He's says things like it was all ok until that 'Thing' came along, he tells me i've changed, how??? He said he can't explain, he doesn't find me attractive and said he might never again due the Pregnancy, he doesn't cut me any slack for feeling tired or sick (i'm nearly 4 months now so hopefully over the worst), he's making me feel very unattractive and occasionally calls me a 'Freak' due to my apparent hormones. He won't talk about anything to do with the Baby. He has been to the scans but I don't feel he's with me, i feel very alone. I am a strong character and WILL cope whatever but this isn't what I expected, I only ever wanted one Baby and I have my/our wish (or was he just stringing me along saying it's what he wanted)? I've never been overly Maternal I don't 'Goo Goo' at every Baby even now, but it's me I am Pregnant and I'm happy and I want to share that happiness with the man I love. I feel like he's punishing me, mentally torturing me for something that's not my fault. I've an empty place in my life, I work, i've got 2 lovely dogs, I'm fit and healthy but I know the gap will be filled by this beautiful little 'Thing' something that needs me as much as I need it but that doesn't mean to say I would love my Husband any less. He's a really good man, doesn't drink or smoke, doesn't go out with his mates too often, works hard but he has this really hard side to him-he's changed...I'm fearful that when the Baby is born it's going to get even worse so i'm thinking of getting out now but I really don't want to. Pregnancy should be a happy time, for me it is for us it seems an impossible mountain to climb.

 

[lfc_sarah]

Aw hun i really dont know what to say
It must be really hard


Its obviously a big change for both of you, after waiting so long, and you dont know whats going through his head or how he feels
Have you tried talking to him properly to see how he feels? Instead of him saying he sees you as unattractive
Maybe he will come round?

 

[nazmomi]

I hope things work out for you. Whatever it is thats making him feel this way he needs to talk about it properly and sort it out or he will be in danger of losing the two most special things in his life. good luck

 

[ladyminklett]

Thanks Girls

I have tried all ways to get him to speak about it, I don't keep talking about the Baby or how I'm feeling I keep a lot to myself so it's not as if i'm ramming it down his throat every five minutes but you know there are things you want and NEED to talk to your partner about. He said last night that he would prefer another Dog to a Baby...he said he can relate to them more and they give more back! He said he just doesn't see himself enjoying the role of a Father.
I've told his Mom this morning. I'm sitting at work and think about nothing else but the row we had this morning. A regular everyday occurance. I'm not whiter than white I know i'm not but in this situation i know that i'm doing my best to do the right thing. Thought about ringing the Samaritans this morning, I'm a real positive person normally and very few things get me down but this thing is sooo important to me and should be the same for him

 

[MissyRee]

Soo sorry to hear that your husband isnt reacting in the way you were hoping for, what a shame that you cant really talk to him about everything thats going on as pregnancy is a very exciting time for any expectant mum especially if you have been trying for years.
Maybe he thought it would never really happen then if you'd been using no protection for years without luck, so he could be in shock that there will really be a little baby in a few months?
What did his mum say about it all?
By the way there is a section on the forum called 'Relationships' that more people might respond to your problem if you post it there x

 

[mummykay]

 

[lfc_sarah]

I forgot to add congratulations x

 

[VickiH]

Just bear with him. You've been together for a long time and your relationship has been 'just you two', for so long that he probably feels quite happy and comfortable with the way things are! The thought of having another person in your life to take care of is probably drop dead scary!

All of a sudden he's having to come to terms with the fact that life has now changed! He wont have as much time or money as he always has done, his freedom is now limited and any baby free plans he had for the future have now gone out of the window. He's had a long time to get used to the idea of no children in his life and probably had a whole future path mapped out... Now all his hopes and dreams have got to change, or at least that's how he feels.

I bet he'll come round when the baby comes. I very much doubt he means what he says, he's just looking for somebody to lash out at and you're the closest! ((hugs))

 

[soverign]

Congratulations honey. I think you are a very strong individual and you are doing so well after all you have been through.

I know my situation is not the same as yours but it is quite similar. Me and my OH had been through alot and had 2 failed pregnancies. We were so desperate to keep trying and when the time came and everything was confirmed to us at the scan my OH changed too. He couldn't deal with my hormones and told me to get over myself as I was always crying. He told me I was lazy as I slept alot due to tiredness. He didn't want to talk about the baby at all really until the last few weeks of my pregnancy. He never got involved in getting everything ready for the baby I did it all myself.

When the baby came it was a different story.. although while I was in hospital his xbox arrived in the post and rushed home to play on it for a few hours and then came back. Apart from that he was fantastic. He loves him more than anything right now and feels so proud to be his father.

I am sure that everything will work out for you both. I think its just a man thing!!

I wish you the best of luck hun, take care x


EDIT: Forgot to add that whilst I was in labour he ordered a pizza by delivery and just sat in the corner eating away and reading the paper - whilst I was in agony and most needed his support!!