In need of support... (a short novel!)

[Cairns]

Hi everyone...

I've just found out that I'm pregnant. When I told my boyfriend he sat down and said "oh fuck, oh shit" over and over again for about fifteen minutes. I then told him that I didn't want to have an abortion and he asked me why. I gave him a few reasons and he didn't really argue with me about them. He then refused to look me in the eye for two days... After two days he told me, "I don't want a baby". I cried all night and the next morning he told me that he loves me and wants to "try to want what I want". That was a week ago. Since then he's told me that he feels condemned and he sometimes looks at me as his jailer. He's been affectionate occasionally, but most of the time he's been cold and we haven't made love since I told him about the pregnancy.

I'm an Australian 29 year old over in the UK on a working holiday visa. I've been living with my English boyfriend for four months and was planning to see how our relationship progressed over the next year or so before deciding if we wanted to get married and apply for a spousal visa. We had talked about having children some time in the future and were both very positive about the idea, but had no immediate plans.

I feel very, very lonely. My mum and all of my family and friends are in Australia. To make matters worse, I have no savings and my boyfriend is about £500 in debt. I can't get any maternity pay because of the kind of visa I'm on and I can't get government assistance from the Australian government because I'm not currently an Australian resident, or from the UK government because I'm not a British citizen.

Now most of you are probably thinking (and part of me too)... "Just go back to Australia, claim government assistance and raise the baby with the support of your family. Your boyfriend has let you down so forget about him". But there's a bigger part of me that wants to give my boyfriend more of a chance. He's told me that he doesn't want me to leave him and that he's committed to looking after me and the baby. He's scared and he feels trapped, but he's a very caring person. I can't imagine him not falling in love with this baby and with fatherhood once he gets over his fears. He will always be my baby's father and I want us to be together as a family.

I'm scared though, that if I stay in the UK and have the baby here that I won't have enough money to see my Australian family. I miss my mum and I know that she'd be really sad if she never saw her grandchild more than a handful of times in her life.

I feel really torn between my Australian family and my boyfriend (my future baby's father), between the need for financial support and the emotional support that I hope my boyfriend will eventually be able to provide. I miss my family and my country... and I'm pregnant! ... as if that didn't provide enough emotional turmoil on its own!

Please send me some words of encouragement... I really need them right now. Also, if anyone has had any similar experiences I'd love to hear about them...

 

[Baileysmummy]

I Cant offer words of advice, But you do what you think is best and good luck x
welcome to the forum btw x

 

[zebrastripes]

Hi!

That's a rather sticky situation...it must be horrible for your family to be so far away when you need them most I think you should give it a go with your OH at the minute....would he be willing to move over to Australia with you? Even just for a few months? Come to think of it, I don't actually know if you can go on a plane at certain stages of your pregnancy

Your OH seems a decent sort: obviously he's going to be knocked for six for a while, but as you said, you had talked about marriage and children. If he loves you, he'll come round for your sake, and eventually the babys'.

If you chose to stay in the UK, it doesn't mean your family will never see your child. Plenty of families are scattered across the world, and still remain close. I only see one set of grandparents about twice a year, but we talk on the phone all the time, and I'm very close to them.

Something will work out- it always does.

 

[purple13]

wise words from zebrastripes as ever... welcome to the forum hon. i've no real advice for you, but lots of and i hope that everyone here will help make you feel a little less lonely xxx

 

[chickadee1976]

Oh dear, have you spoken to your parents yet, they can offer support even tho they are far away.

I really would give your boyfriend a little more time to come to terms with things, its obviously been a huge shock to him and it may take him a few weeks to get used to.

Hang in there for now x

 

[CoreysMummy]

I hope you get it all worked out, it sounds like a hard situation to be in!!

Welcome over though, I hope you enjoy your stay here, everyones friendly, and full of advice as your pregnancy progresses.

 

[fran_23]

hi there, i really feel for you, what a situation to be in..
its obvious that you are keeping your baby no matter what, so congrats on the pregnancy its just the matter of your OH, i can see why you want to give him a chance and don;t just want to leave for australia straight away. Have you phoned your mum for a chat? you might feel better for talking to her and getting it all out..your boyfriend does deserve a chance to see if he comes round the the idea and i hope he does, but often when people feel trapped and say they will stay and support you in spite of the feeling trapped it doesn't end good because they end up looking for anyway to escape the trapped feeling.
It sounds like he is trying to be happy and want the same as you but is struggling..i'd say give him space and time to mull it over but tell him you never want to stop him seeing his child but if you are not getting the full support you need you'll have to consider going to be with your family to get it from them. let him think on that the prospect of losing you and his baby may be enough to make him have a genuine change of heart..i'm sure you'd rather have his love and support because he wants to give it and not because he feels its something he is obliged to do- best of luck to you

 

[MrsBrightside]

Hiya I really cant give you much advice hun other then I would give your OH a chance, hes prob acted like most people have when they have ahd a shock so try not to think too much into it... he might just need sometime to get his head around things??

I hope you get everything sorted out darling!!!

sending you big hugs

 

[Serendipity]

hi. congrats on your pregnancy. and welcome too.

well, not advice really, but i'm knida in the same boat as u, except mine's worse, my husband's trying to kill me.

but like you, i'm from africa, and my husband's a student so my visa is on his own visa. but i do understand abt the financial dilemma. because, i need to go back to college in sept for a year and thats gonna cost £6k, and with no help from the govt, going back home, seems like such a good idea, and yeah all my family's bck home, i miss them so much too.

all i'll say is seriously weigh the situation with your boyfriend, and see what sort of future you cold have with him, if there is a chance for happiness, you might want to give it a go. you know, if your happy. your family wuld be happy too, and you and they can visit. try to sort things out with him first, i think everything else falls into place once yu guys know you are working towards the same goal.

all the best

 

[Cairns]

Thank you all for your supportive words, pieces of advice and your words of welcome. They have helped me to feel less alone in all of this.

As for my mum, I haven't told her about this yet. I don't want to worry her too much or unnecessarily. I want to find out first whether my OH will cheer up about being a future dad, and I believe there's something like a 1 in 5 chance that I will miscarry before the 12th week... so I was thinking about waiting until I'm past that hurdle before telling her. It's only about 5 weeks since the start of my last period and I haven't even made an appointment to see a doctor yet.

Well, I guess I've introduced myself now... I'm not quite sure how this all forum works, but I'm guessing I should move to a different area of the forum. I might try posting a quick note in "1st trimester". I hope to chat with some of you there.