Problems after visiting Daddy.

[HeppiBean]

Hey girls, technically I'm not a single mum, but I am separated from my daughters father and this is the subject I'm hoping to get some advice on.

Once a week Francesca goes to stay with her Dad. Whilst there, he doesn't stick to her routine, or discipline her. When she comes back from his, I have noticed a rash around her face which the doctor has said is an allergic reaction.

On the disciple/routine front. Cesca doesn't sleep or eat properly at the best of times, but this is even worse when she comes back from her Dads'. She keeps picking up naughty words including w****r and b***h. She also keeps hitting me.

As for the allergic reaction. I've told her that she is allergic to Johnsons and that Sudocrem also has a reaction with her skin so surely he wouldn't use either of them! But then he also won't let me go round there to see if we can work it out together. I'm really stuck and don't know what to do



Some of you may remember from early last year... But her father also "used" to smoke weed. He promises me he has quit, but I'm not 100%... Any advice? xx

 

[Jaxx01]

Me personally if I had any doubt that my boys dads were smoking weed I wouldn't let them go there I'm anti drugs at the best of times but especially around, and when in charge of, children!!

With the rash, discipline etc you are her main cater and she has routine at home so he needs to follow that or he don't have her again. God, I'm sounding harsh but I really don't mean to be. I guess I mean it's quite disruptive for kids at the best if times to visit the non resident parent so having a bit of routine helps the transition xx

 

[HeppiBean]

You've just said what I was thinking anyway tbh :/ xx

 

[Jaxx01]

Good if that's your instinct then go with it! You are not doing anything for selfish reasons, you are looking out for your daughter! It is soo hard to get the balance right Alfie is 4 and he still plays up when he's gone from his dads, but that would be ten times worse if he had different routines at different houses! Luckily, his dad follows what I do or vice versa!! xx

 

[HeppiBean]

I'll give him his visit this weekend, but I think that's his last chance. And I think I may well confront him outright again about the weed thing too xx

 

[Jaxx01]

I personally would say the weed issue is the biggest here! You really don't want your baby around that xx

 

[HeppiBean]

I know :/ But I have no proof and I know what he's like... Throughout our entire relationship he abused me, physically and mentally, and he's so good at worming his way into peoples heads and fucking them up. In many ways him doing that to me again would be worse than if he is still smoking it :/. I don't want to do anything without proof... But I have no way of getting proof! I'm so stuck...

 

[LikeJohnnYoko]

I think for a start maybe not overnight visits if he cannot keep to a routine. The routine is there for the child's benefit, it provides boundaries, stability and certainty for them.

I have no advice over the other bit.

 

[littlemiss83]

Oh chick, I remember all the probs u used to have with him when yous were together.

The rash is a concern, If I was you, i'd be saying....LO cant come until we have discovered what is causing the rash - doctors orders.

As for the weed, trying to say this without sounding insensitive, but I def wouldn't accuse until you are certain (I certainly wouldn't be happy if someone accused me of that, without having valid proof) have a good sniff at LO's clothes/jacket/bag ect when she gets home, you should be able to smell smoke straight away.

As for the routine & swearing - bang out of order chick. If my LO came home swearing from anyone's house I wouldn't let them go back - end of. My LO is 8 and has never even uttered a swear word, let alone at your LO's age.

Good luck

xxxxxxxx

 

[wifeywifey]

Forgetting the weed issue here because if he is smoking around her or when she is visiting then you as a parent are right to kick off.

Now imagine this
Your lo lives with dad and comes to you once a week you don't have chance to get a routine going yourself and you get a few hours with lo, are you going to spend it having fun and making the most or are you going to spend it following dads routine?
I am a step mum to dad who use to have the same arguments with Los mum and he made sure he was fed, clean and safe but maybe let him stay up late, eat a bit more junk food but he had 24 hours out of 168 hours per week wouldn't you be the same?
Oh and even when we followed her routine he still went home being naughty.
I'm not saying your wrong I'm just saying imagine what it would be like.

Could she be allergic to his washing powder, deodorant, air freshener? My son is suddenly allergic to ketchup that causes a rash on the face.

Ps I'd never let my kids swear if warn him about that.

I might sound like I'm having a go at you but I'm not meaning to I'm just telling you what it's like on the other side.

 

[Jaxx01]

Forgetting the weed issue here because if he is smoking around her or when she is visiting then you as a parent are right to kick off.

Now imagine this
Your lo lives with dad and comes to you once a week you don't have chance to get a routine going yourself and you get a few hours with lo, are you going to spend it having fun and making the most or are you going to spend it following dads routine?
I am a step mum to dad who use to have the same arguments with Los mum and he made sure he was fed, clean and safe but maybe let him stay up late, eat a bit more junk food but he had 24 hours out of 168 hours per week wouldn't you be the same?
Oh and even when we followed her routine he still went home being naughty.
I'm not saying your wrong I'm just saying imagine what it would be like.

Could she be allergic to his washing powder, deodorant, air freshener? My son is suddenly allergic to ketchup that causes a rash on the face.

Ps I'd never let my kids swear if warn him about that.

I might sound like I'm having a go at you but I'm not meaning to I'm just telling you what it's like on the other side.[/QUOTE

I disagree.

Like LJY said routines set boundaries and offer stability to the children. You may well let your step child stay up and give them more junk food but you don't have to deal with the 3-4 days after when they are out if sorts! Surely being a parent is doing what's best, not just what's fun?? Sorry I'm sounding harsh now but if he doesn't follow a routine then I think it needs to addressed x

 

[wifeywifey]

Even when we switched to her routine he was naughty because he was playing mum and dad off against each other iykwim. He swears at home, he has chocolate spread on toast or spaghetti on toast most days for his dinner and chocolate or cheese sandwiches for lunch. We eat fresh food with veg so us giving lo a treat is fish fingers etc.
Everyone is different I didn't want an argument I just wanted to say imagine how he feels and why he does it.
Now it's the other way around he is a nightmare when he arrives to us, she never complains when he goes back.

I'm not saying don't talk to him I was more thinking don't stop the visits because of it.

 

[Jaxx01]

Sorry it wasn't my intention to start an argument I get what you're saying I've been on the other side so was just saying my point xx

 

[wifeywifey]

It's ok. I'm not saying you guys are the same but some mums are so quick to push dad away and sometimes surly a little disruption is better than lo not seeing dad.

My dh hardly sees his son because mum moved 300 miles away and we don't have the money to get to him so only see him in holidays if they don't have plans and it breaks dh heart.
Dh has gone back to collage to get a better job so he can afford it

 

[HeppiBean]

The reason I'm annoyed about FOB not sticking to her routine is because she's so young and being in the process of moving it's hard anyway. I'm not going to stop the visits because of it... Just want him to not intentionally make things hard for me if you get what I mean?

I just don't know what to do right now xx