Pressure & inadequacy

[Blueflower]

I mentioned in someone else’s thread a while ago that my husband’s parents have a photo wall with a really obvious space waiting for a picture of our future family! It always made us feel so pressured and inadequate!

They’ve finally changed the arrangement so that the gap is closed up; I’m relieved but also feel that maybe they’ve given up hoping! They can’t win really can they?!

It just makes me feel so sad because we wanted children; we imagined we’d have a baby by now and our families expected it as well. We bought a family house ages ago but it’s still just us rattling around in it! I’m starting to want to avoid family occasions now. Even the children are starting to ask why we’re the only couple without a baby, gulp!

How do people cope? We can’t get away with “all in good time” any more because we’ve now been married for 3 years, and it’s not very convincing when I say that we’re lucky to have a spare bedroom and a study as well as a dining room! I imagined we’d be buying a cot and twin beds for those rooms!

Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and cry, but it’s never going to go away. It sounds dramatic (& I’d never tell my DH) but sometimes I feel that I’d rather die than not have children. Anyone else feel like this? Its not good really.

 

[Titch85]

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[Belfa]

Sorry its like this for you

I have no answers as we don't have this (I'm an only child and DH's sisters live abroad / have fertility issues also).

One thing I would say though is that people either just eventually assume that a lack of children is a lifestyle choice for the couple - which in reality is very common these days or, if you are open about your struggle it can be a problem halfed.

For example, my SIL has had multiple mc's and eventually decided to be open about what was going on, what happened in her appointments, her medication etc. I'm now starting the same medication as her and chose to keep it private however my MIL found out and it was actually a bit of a relief telling our parents the whole story. I'm still a bit off about sharing everything with my parents but I know that if the parents know then it will be filtered down and I'll have support when I need it and its not a case of "oh no don't mention babies!".

Not saying you share every detail or post it on facebook and maybe both parents are involved already but I was a member of a family who's relative had "problems" long before I had them myself and looking back this openness avoided any awkwardness.

 

[gemmainthesun]

Hey Blueflower, u have hit the nail right on the head. Ive just put in another post our ivf hasnt gone too well this time, I have loads of follicles and they are worried about me over stimulating and im so worried they will cancel the cycle or need to freeze them all, i was so hoping this was our time...thats the fail of ivf 1 then my frozen embryos not surviving now this.... and I was actually just thinking that perhaps I should just give up, but in reality I know I wont, or at least I havent reached that stage yet.
I have these dreams all the time that I have a baby and its the most surreal thing ever and even though its a dream I can feel that special love that people talk about, its like my whole body is just desperate to have a baby and like you I dont know what id do if that dream doesnt become true its just so difficult, I dont have any advise but just wanted u to know youre not alone x

 

[Blueflower]

Thanks! We told my SIL last year about our struggle & my DH told her recently that the photo display upset us, so it was her who told her parents to change the display around. Her mum then said “why? I thought they wanted children?” so she had to explain. Their mum has been lovely about it but I’ve told her to keep it to herself.


Everyone probably knows but doesn’t say anything!


It just seems that whenever something happens in my life, it takes so long, that instead of people saying “congratulations!” they are really saying “at last!” Sorry that is a bit self-pitying, but I know you lot will understand!

So sorry to hear that Gemma. Thank you, it is nice to feel that I'm not alone.

 

[gemmainthesun]

how far are you along now vwith treatment wasnt it clomid u was tryin?

 

[Blueflower]

Just done 2nd lot of clomid. I'm on day 17!

 

[Londongirl]

I feel like the expectation is always there - not as obviously as your photo example blue flower but definitely when we visit in laws, I can see MIL wondering when we are going to 'announce'. We have a bit of breathing space in that we have bought a house that needs a lot of work doing to it so maybe people assume we are waiting until the work is done (so glad we didn't wait!!) but once that is done we will be in a 4 bed house and everyone will be asking for sure. I would never ever ever ask someone if they want to have kids!

 

[Belfa]

I feel like the expectation is always there - not as obviously as your photo example blue flower but definitely when we visit in laws, I can see MIL wondering when we are going to 'announce'. We have a bit of breathing space in that we have bought a house that needs a lot of work doing to it so maybe people assume we are waiting until the work is done (so glad we didn't wait!!) but once that is done we will be in a 4 bed house and everyone will be asking for sure. I would never ever ever ask someone if they want to have kids!

Funny you should say that as we are renovating a house too and we've said we want 4 bedrooms from it - obviously for children but the structural engineer is just dancing round that subject as we haven't said that we're trying!

 

[Londongirl]

I feel like the expectation is always there - not as obviously as your photo example blue flower but definitely when we visit in laws, I can see MIL wondering when we are going to 'announce'. We have a bit of breathing space in that we have bought a house that needs a lot of work doing to it so maybe people assume we are waiting until the work is done (so glad we didn't wait!!) but once that is done we will be in a 4 bed house and everyone will be asking for sure. I would never ever ever ask someone if they want to have kids!

Funny you should say that as we are renovating a house too and we've said we want 4 bedrooms from it - obviously for children but the structural engineer is just dancing round that subject as we haven't said that we're trying!

I was so excited at first about doing the house and now that this TTC business has been dragging on so long, it makes me sad that we are designing our dream house for a family we might never have

 

[Blueflower]

I was so excited at first about doing the house and now that this TTC business has been dragging on so long, it makes me sad that we are designing our dream house for a family we might never have

Yes, I will feel so sad if we are in our lovely finished house in a couple of years and the neighbours babies are starting school and we still don't have a family. Also, its a really silly thing, but when we bought the house we were advised to write wills once we had children. So we told the Advisor that we'd be in touch when that happened, fully expecting it to be the following year! He's probably forgotten but I keep expecting a reminder letter to arrive or something!

 

[Londongirl]

Just this morning I was showing one of the guys in my team at work the plans and he said "wow 4 bedrooms, better have a big family then". I just felt like crying. He's just had twins

 

[gemmainthesun]

Ah London girl you have so much hope ahead, Clomid has worked wonders for so many people, my friend fell twice on it and has just had a baby girl, im sure it will happen for you as it will us all its just a waiting game unfortunately x

 

[Londongirl]

Ah London girl you have so much hope ahead, Clomid has worked wonders for so many people, my friend fell twice on it and has just had a baby girl, im sure it will happen for you as it will us all its just a waiting game unfortunately x

Thanks hon - think I'm just in a bit of a funk waiting for AF!

 

[Blueflower]

Just this morning I was showing one of the guys in my team at work the plans and he said "wow 4 bedrooms, better have a big family then". I just felt like crying. He's just had twins

That's horrible. People are so tactless when they haven't been through it themselves.

 

[Blueflower]

Ah London girl you have so much hope ahead, Clomid has worked wonders for so many people, my friend fell twice on it and has just had a baby girl, im sure it will happen for you as it will us all its just a waiting game unfortunately x

I hope so! Although they won't give you clomid indefinitely and I often worry that time is running out for me...

 

[gemmainthesun]

have they diagnosed you as not ovulating then or are they just giving it you to see if it does any good? The running out of time thing must be really frustrating on top of everything else

 

[Blueflower]

have they diagnosed you as not ovulating then or are they just giving it you to see if it does any good? The running out of time thing must be really frustrating on top of everything else

I told the consultant that I don't seem to be ovulating every single month so he's given it to me to give me more of a chance, e.g. more than one egg. At the scan on the first month of clomid I just had one follicle but it grew to over 24mm before I ovulated which apparently means the egg was mature. I think in the past I ovulated most months but it wasn't big enough. My progesterone level 7 days later was 54 so that meant I definitely ovulated and if I'd become pregnant the hormone level was high enough to sustain it and the lining would have been thick enough.

This month we went away so I didn't have any scans but they said 50mg was enough because one large follicle was ideal. We've had a lot of stress this month so I doubt that I'm pregnant this time, I'm getting the usual cramping that I didn't have last month. I might have got follicles on both sides this time though because I could feel something on both sides but neither of them popped as strongly as the one last month! I expect they were too small again. Its a shame we couldn't have the scan so that I'd know, but at least we saved £450!

Next month is our last round of clomid but DH wants us to try IUI because it will be difficult doing IUI in December fitting appointments around Christmas and New Year. We'll see! I'll have to get another clomid prescription I think otherwise we're wasting more time.