Hello everyone I'm seeking advice or encouragement or "been there, done that" stuff. I guess we all are, aren't we?
I'll try to be as brief as I can so not to lose you.
Background: was married for over a decade. Had my daughter in 2005 so she's 11 now. Separated a few years ago due to a toxic relationship. It was either really good, or really bad. Divorce final this year. I'm in school almost full time for nursing. I met a guy a couple years ago but he lives out of state so we don't spend a lot of time together though we talk every day. It was okay for me like that because I was trying to establish ME as a person and take care of me and my daughter. I didn't need to focus on a super serious or super involved relationship so soon.
The relationship with this guy has been growing but it wouldn't go further without one of us moving. So he's been in the planning stages of coming here. He's getting licensed in my state for his field of work and making other arrangements. We really love one another and wanted to give this a real go.
I went to visit him last month. We were careful. But it happened.
A week and a half ago I was lying in bed and something hit me and I knew I was pregnant. I hadn't even suspected it yet. It just came to me so fast. I left the house right then and there to get a test: positive.
I had a panic attack. A real one.
It's been one crazy week, almost a blur. Lot's of down moments. Lots of confusion. This wasn't in our plan. It wasn't in mine. Termination has crossed my mind a few times...like...a fluttering thought that makes me sad and uneasy and scared... but so does the pregnancy...
I used to be adamantly against termination. Then I was pregnant with my son who had some of the worst medical conditions. It was recommended by several doctors and specialists to terminate for the sake of the baby. He would have lived a short life but it would have been a very, very painful life. I made the hardest decision of my life to let him go. That was about 12 years ago. I feel...I hate it, still. But I don't hate what I did because I feel like it came from a place of love. I just HATE that it happened. I was a wreck. Sometimes I still am. I love him.
The father, I think he would rather I terminate but he would never come out and ask me to do that. He knows the pain that I went through before and he respects anything I want. But it still is a very sad and almost lonely position to be in when your partner doesn't have an ounce of happiness over it. I don't expect him to. This wasn't planned. He's still dealing with the shock of it. He doesn't have other children and having kids of his own was never a priority.
The idea of him moving here was for us to spend more time together and for him to slowly build a relationship with my daughter so that we could eventually move forward together with her involved. Now I feel awful because we will be thrown into this... insta-family and it seems SO UNFAIR to my daughter. She's been my main focus and now I'm not just going to be introducing her to a guy...but a sibling. It just seems so unfair to her. It's causing me guilt. I'm not positive he could be happy doing this with me, either. He states that he supports me. But he also states his fears, how he doesn't like the unknown, how he'd lean the other way when I said I'm leaning toward keeping the baby. So, I've kind of pushed him away. I said I can figure it out on my own and deal with it on my own. I mostly don't want to make someone feel trapped or obligated. I know it's his responsibility, too, but if he doesn't WANT it... why make ourselves miserable forcing it? It'll just bring me down knowing I've got someone by my side who might not want this.
I'm doing so well in school. Right now I've got a 4.0. I'm FINALLY on the right track to PROVIDE a good life for me and my daughter. I've been derailed in school before. I allowed my ex-husband to be the main care taker of our family so when I finally left him, I was only working minimal hours as supplemental income. I don't want to get derailed. Can I stay in school and do this? Can I be pregnant and finish this semester and start fall? Baby will be due November. I found out that schools have to accommodate women who are pregnant and can't dock them or kick them out (so long as they received any government funding). But can I do that? I work, I go to school, and I take care of my daughter.
When I had my daughter, I had a secure life. We had health insurance, my husband worked while I was able to take maternity leave. We worked our schedules around each other. My daughter didn't start going to day care for a couple years until I had to go to work full time. But now, if I do this alone, I may have to put my infant in daycare and I cried about it the other day. Even if I do it with the father, we would likely be working similar hours. ...How will I maintain school?
I'm scared. I used to want one more. But it never happened so I accepted that it was just going to be me and my daughter and I became okay with that. Happy about aspects of it, even. We are at a good place. I have momentum in my life. We are moving forward. She's doing so well in school... I just feel like I messed up our lives, her's mostly.
I'm sorry if some of this sounds trivial and awful. I'm also really afraid to allow myself to be excited because something might go wrong. I've had a miscarriage before. My son had all those genetic issues. I'm over 35, now. Something could go wrong. I'm also afraid to NOT want it because...then maybe the world works by... for instance if I say I don't want this to happen, and when I accept that it is, that's when I miscarry and hate myself and say "I deserved this to happen because I said I didn't want it..."
My kids will be more than a decade apart. They will barely know one another.
Sometimes...I just can't believe my life. It's nothing like I ever expected or dreamed of. I really thought I'd be better than this. And right now I feel like I piece of garbage.
Sorry for the negativity. I don't know how to do this. ...when I got pregnant when I was with my husband, he was always so happy and excited. This just feels so terrible to not have that same support.
I've been taking a prenatal vitamin and folic acid supplement. Some of the problems I had with my son I lost was no brain development so the folic is important to me.
I feel so utterly lost.
Edited to add that I'm also scared of my ex husband finding out. He will wish me dead and do what he can to make me hate myself. I'm afraid of him making my daughter feel bad about it, too. Like, not allow her to feel good or excitement about it.
I'll try to be as brief as I can so not to lose you.
Background: was married for over a decade. Had my daughter in 2005 so she's 11 now. Separated a few years ago due to a toxic relationship. It was either really good, or really bad. Divorce final this year. I'm in school almost full time for nursing. I met a guy a couple years ago but he lives out of state so we don't spend a lot of time together though we talk every day. It was okay for me like that because I was trying to establish ME as a person and take care of me and my daughter. I didn't need to focus on a super serious or super involved relationship so soon.
The relationship with this guy has been growing but it wouldn't go further without one of us moving. So he's been in the planning stages of coming here. He's getting licensed in my state for his field of work and making other arrangements. We really love one another and wanted to give this a real go.
I went to visit him last month. We were careful. But it happened.
A week and a half ago I was lying in bed and something hit me and I knew I was pregnant. I hadn't even suspected it yet. It just came to me so fast. I left the house right then and there to get a test: positive.
I had a panic attack. A real one.
It's been one crazy week, almost a blur. Lot's of down moments. Lots of confusion. This wasn't in our plan. It wasn't in mine. Termination has crossed my mind a few times...like...a fluttering thought that makes me sad and uneasy and scared... but so does the pregnancy...
I used to be adamantly against termination. Then I was pregnant with my son who had some of the worst medical conditions. It was recommended by several doctors and specialists to terminate for the sake of the baby. He would have lived a short life but it would have been a very, very painful life. I made the hardest decision of my life to let him go. That was about 12 years ago. I feel...I hate it, still. But I don't hate what I did because I feel like it came from a place of love. I just HATE that it happened. I was a wreck. Sometimes I still am. I love him.
The father, I think he would rather I terminate but he would never come out and ask me to do that. He knows the pain that I went through before and he respects anything I want. But it still is a very sad and almost lonely position to be in when your partner doesn't have an ounce of happiness over it. I don't expect him to. This wasn't planned. He's still dealing with the shock of it. He doesn't have other children and having kids of his own was never a priority.
The idea of him moving here was for us to spend more time together and for him to slowly build a relationship with my daughter so that we could eventually move forward together with her involved. Now I feel awful because we will be thrown into this... insta-family and it seems SO UNFAIR to my daughter. She's been my main focus and now I'm not just going to be introducing her to a guy...but a sibling. It just seems so unfair to her. It's causing me guilt. I'm not positive he could be happy doing this with me, either. He states that he supports me. But he also states his fears, how he doesn't like the unknown, how he'd lean the other way when I said I'm leaning toward keeping the baby. So, I've kind of pushed him away. I said I can figure it out on my own and deal with it on my own. I mostly don't want to make someone feel trapped or obligated. I know it's his responsibility, too, but if he doesn't WANT it... why make ourselves miserable forcing it? It'll just bring me down knowing I've got someone by my side who might not want this.
I'm doing so well in school. Right now I've got a 4.0. I'm FINALLY on the right track to PROVIDE a good life for me and my daughter. I've been derailed in school before. I allowed my ex-husband to be the main care taker of our family so when I finally left him, I was only working minimal hours as supplemental income. I don't want to get derailed. Can I stay in school and do this? Can I be pregnant and finish this semester and start fall? Baby will be due November. I found out that schools have to accommodate women who are pregnant and can't dock them or kick them out (so long as they received any government funding). But can I do that? I work, I go to school, and I take care of my daughter.
When I had my daughter, I had a secure life. We had health insurance, my husband worked while I was able to take maternity leave. We worked our schedules around each other. My daughter didn't start going to day care for a couple years until I had to go to work full time. But now, if I do this alone, I may have to put my infant in daycare and I cried about it the other day. Even if I do it with the father, we would likely be working similar hours. ...How will I maintain school?
I'm scared. I used to want one more. But it never happened so I accepted that it was just going to be me and my daughter and I became okay with that. Happy about aspects of it, even. We are at a good place. I have momentum in my life. We are moving forward. She's doing so well in school... I just feel like I messed up our lives, her's mostly.
I'm sorry if some of this sounds trivial and awful. I'm also really afraid to allow myself to be excited because something might go wrong. I've had a miscarriage before. My son had all those genetic issues. I'm over 35, now. Something could go wrong. I'm also afraid to NOT want it because...then maybe the world works by... for instance if I say I don't want this to happen, and when I accept that it is, that's when I miscarry and hate myself and say "I deserved this to happen because I said I didn't want it..."
My kids will be more than a decade apart. They will barely know one another.
Sometimes...I just can't believe my life. It's nothing like I ever expected or dreamed of. I really thought I'd be better than this. And right now I feel like I piece of garbage.
Sorry for the negativity. I don't know how to do this. ...when I got pregnant when I was with my husband, he was always so happy and excited. This just feels so terrible to not have that same support.
I've been taking a prenatal vitamin and folic acid supplement. Some of the problems I had with my son I lost was no brain development so the folic is important to me.
I feel so utterly lost.
Edited to add that I'm also scared of my ex husband finding out. He will wish me dead and do what he can to make me hate myself. I'm afraid of him making my daughter feel bad about it, too. Like, not allow her to feel good or excitement about it.
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