I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm constantly watching over Angel and poking and prodding her just to check shes breathing while shes asleep. Or I'm staying up for hours after her feed just scared that something horrible is gonna happen to her. I'm snappy and short tempered with my husband... sometimes I just will him to do something wrong or say the wrong thing just so I can have a go at him... even though he's doing absolutely nothing wrong. I feel like I'm pushing him away when all I wanna do is hold him and tell him I'm sorry. I'm constantly cleaning the house to the point where I'm physically exhausted or my hands are chapped and bleeding because I dont want Angel getting an infection or becoming ill. I just feel like everyone is judging me and I cant relax around my daughter, feel like people just wanna take her off me. Something hasnt been right since I left the hospital and I dont like laying the blame but I think this is largely down to my family. I went in to be induced on the Wednesday and they booked flights for the Saturday. So I felt I had to rush to give birth and get home so I could be there when they arrived. I told them not to book anything but to wait to see when she actually arrives because I didnt know how long the induction would take etc, but no Saturday was the day that fitted in perfectly with THEM. My bad, obviously their needs came first apparently. I ended up having an emergency c-section on the Thursday morning. Angel heartbeat had dropped to just 50bpm and I started going into a panic and my own bp went upto 138 - what hers should have been... ironic much? So I was put under a general. My daughter came out and I didnt see her or hold her first. I am grateful because she was given to my husband. But it should have been me. All this happened after I had been labouring for 12 long hours with horrible contractions and I only got to 2-3cm. So it was the most traumatic, horrible experience of my life. Everytime I think or talk about it I end up crying and just imagine my precious little Angel crying, wanting me, wanting a cuddle and I wasnt there. And although I hate saying this I was so happy they'd put under a general. In fact I never wanted to wake up because I thought she'd already gone. I will always be haunted by the sound of that machine when her HB started dropping, and the urgency of seeing the room fill up with docs and start prepping me for surgery before I even had a chance to comprehend what was actually going on. I hated being stuck in that hospital I just wanted to go home and be with my daughter and my husband. But my famly were due to arrive Saturday afternoon and already I was worrying about whether or not the house was tidy or if their room was prepared. Literally my husband came to get me and Angel from the hospital, dropped us off then he had go straight out to collect my family. As soon as they arrived my mum took my daughter off me. I kept having to go upstairs to breastfeed as I wanted the privacy with Angel and my OH. In my own house I had to go upstairs to feed my own daughter. My sister is lazy bitch and sprawled herself across my sofa. I was the one who just had surgery. I was the one who had to sit on the floor in my own house and when the MW came I had to ASK my sister to sit up. All the while people are just picking up and fussing over my daughter without asking. I was tidying up and straining myself and trying to establish BF still. That weekend I just had to give up. Id had no sleep for 4 days I had to put her on formula. I felt such a failure My mum saw this as an excuse to pick her up and start feeding her without asking. She also decided to get drunk and start talking christenings and she said if Angel was to die, if she was christened God would look after her. So at the dinner table the subject of conversation was my daughter dying. She was 4 days old and I'd been blessed not to lose her in the first and she said that. It was the same when we went home for Xmas (this was our 5th visit to UK, they'd come over twice in a whole year) everyone just picked her up and fed as they pleased and all I kept wanting to do was hurt somebody. I kept thinking if u pick her again while shes rest I'm gonna stab u. Im so ashamed to admit this. I'm terrified I've never ever cried this much or felt this low - ever. I just hate being so paranoid I'm scared Angel is going to get hurt or I'm gonna lose her. And I've got the I can still do everything attitude so when Angel is sleeping I'm rushing around the house keeping everything spotless. And when I go to bed I've got 1 million things going round and round. I need to do this and that in the morning, is Angel breathing, nobody cares about me, my family hates me etc etc. When Angel cries or smiles at my husband I feel like she hates me and prefers everyone else. My husband is the only person I can talk to but I cant talk to him because I'm scared he'll think I'm a bad mum and take Angel from me. Everything he says I twist it around and throw it back at him when all he's trying to do is help. I've come to a point now where I know I need help. This isnt fair on Angel or my OH and theyre the people who matter most to me and will never let me know and I need to be there for them 100% and get better. I'm so sorry for this novel of a thread. Just starting typing and I couldnt stop. My eyes are stinging and puffy from crying. But I've got something else now: hope.