PND??... and I'm terrified :(

[LaurenMM]

I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm constantly watching over Angel and poking and prodding her just to check shes breathing while shes asleep. Or I'm staying up for hours after her feed just scared that something horrible is gonna happen to her. I'm snappy and short tempered with my husband... sometimes I just will him to do something wrong or say the wrong thing just so I can have a go at him... even though he's doing absolutely nothing wrong. I feel like I'm pushing him away when all I wanna do is hold him and tell him I'm sorry.

I'm constantly cleaning the house to the point where I'm physically exhausted or my hands are chapped and bleeding because I dont want Angel getting an infection or becoming ill.

I just feel like everyone is judging me and I cant relax around my daughter, feel like people just wanna take her off me. Something hasnt been right since I left the hospital and I dont like laying the blame but I think this is largely down to my family. I went in to be induced on the Wednesday and they booked flights for the Saturday. So I felt I had to rush to give birth and get home so I could be there when they arrived. I told them not to book anything but to wait to see when she actually arrives because I didnt know how long the induction would take etc, but no Saturday was the day that fitted in perfectly with THEM. My bad, obviously their needs came first apparently. I ended up having an emergency c-section on the Thursday morning. Angel heartbeat had dropped to just 50bpm and I started going into a panic and my own bp went upto 138 - what hers should have been... ironic much? So I was put under a general. My daughter came out and I didnt see her or hold her first. I am grateful because she was given to my husband. But it should have been me. All this happened after I had been labouring for 12 long hours with horrible contractions and I only got to 2-3cm. So it was the most traumatic, horrible experience of my life. Everytime I think or talk about it I end up crying and just imagine my precious little Angel crying, wanting me, wanting a cuddle and I wasnt there. And although I hate saying this I was so happy they'd put under a general. In fact I never wanted to wake up because I thought she'd already gone.

I will always be haunted by the sound of that machine when her HB started dropping, and the urgency of seeing the room fill up with docs and start prepping me for surgery before I even had a chance to comprehend what was actually going on.

I hated being stuck in that hospital I just wanted to go home and be with my daughter and my husband. But my famly were due to arrive Saturday afternoon and already I was worrying about whether or not the house was tidy or if their room was prepared. Literally my husband came to get me and Angel from the hospital, dropped us off then he had go straight out to collect my family. As soon as they arrived my mum took my daughter off me. I kept having to go upstairs to breastfeed as I wanted the privacy with Angel and my OH. In my own house I had to go upstairs to feed my own daughter. My sister is lazy bitch and sprawled herself across my sofa. I was the one who just had surgery. I was the one who had to sit on the floor in my own house and when the MW came I had to ASK my sister to sit up. All the while people are just picking up and fussing over my daughter without asking. I was tidying up and straining myself and trying to establish BF still. That weekend I just had to give up. Id had no sleep for 4 days I had to put her on formula. I felt such a failure My mum saw this as an excuse to pick her up and start feeding her without asking. She also decided to get drunk and start talking christenings and she said if Angel was to die, if she was christened God would look after her. So at the dinner table the subject of conversation was my daughter dying. She was 4 days old and I'd been blessed not to lose her in the first and she said that.

It was the same when we went home for Xmas (this was our 5th visit to UK, they'd come over twice in a whole year) everyone just picked her up and fed as they pleased and all I kept wanting to do was hurt somebody. I kept thinking if u pick her again while shes rest I'm gonna stab u. Im so ashamed to admit this. I'm terrified I've never ever cried this much or felt this low - ever. I just hate being so paranoid I'm scared Angel is going to get hurt or I'm gonna lose her. And I've got the I can still do everything attitude so when Angel is sleeping I'm rushing around the house keeping everything spotless. And when I go to bed I've got 1 million things going round and round. I need to do this and that in the morning, is Angel breathing, nobody cares about me, my family hates me etc etc. When Angel cries or smiles at my husband I feel like she hates me and prefers everyone else.

My husband is the only person I can talk to but I cant talk to him because I'm scared he'll think I'm a bad mum and take Angel from me. Everything he says I twist it around and throw it back at him when all he's trying to do is help. I've come to a point now where I know I need help. This isnt fair on Angel or my OH and theyre the people who matter most to me and will never let me know and I need to be there for them 100% and get better. I'm so sorry for this novel of a thread. Just starting typing and I couldnt stop. My eyes are stinging and puffy from crying. But I've got something else now: hope.

 

[Lilelephant]

Lauren it sounds like u need to talk to someone, u had such a traumatic time with the birth and with ur family (so inconsiderate if u ask me) descending on u so soon u didn't have a chance to get over it.

I would defiantly tell ur OH how ur feeling cos he isnt gonna think ur a Bad mum! Anyone can see ur fab! If he knows he will be able to help u out etc.

Also go to ur gp and see if u can get referred for counselling, I can't believe u weren't offered any after the birth tbh! It really does help to unload everything to someone who is not associated with u or ur family in anyway. Xx

 

[pinkyprincess]

Didn't want to read and run! Really hope ur ok! Please don't feel down on yourself at all the fact that you care so much about Angel shows how much of an amazing mum you are! Please please talk to your OH and go and see a doctor!! And make sure you keep us updated! Xx

 

[littlemiss83]

Lauren, I know exactly how your feeling chick. My first LO, her heart stopped beating when I was in for a regular check up at 39wks pregnant, I was rushed very quickly to get induced, they still couldn't find her heartbeat & prepped me for section. Eventually it started again but went on & off, had a very very hard labour. I didn't want to hold her when she was born OH had to take her. Like yourself, I sat up worrying she would die, felt bad for not holding her wen first born, worried what i'd do if she died. Knew she wasn't getting christened (OH & I are diff religions) & worried she'd go to hell ect (thats how bad it was). Its really not nice to have these feelings, OH was all happy to have a baby ect, & i wanted to batter him for being so happy when I was so so worried. It does get a bit easier when they are out the baby stage & you know nothings gonna happen in their sleep, but the worry really does stay there forever, my baby is now 7 & its so so difficult to accept at times (that she is out in the world, at school ect & I cant protect her) & i really regret the times I spent like that at first & wished i'd enjoyed it more.

I think coz our babies came so close to death it really does something to you.



Your not alone

 

[Hayley1608]

Maybe show your oh exactly what you've put here? Letting him in without actually havibg to say anything may be easier? Here you've been conpletley open about how your feeling and that's what you need to be with oh. I'm sure he thinks your the most amazing mum... And you are!

Your family sound very insensitive... It sounds like you didn't even get he chance for your mind to process what you had just been through! To go through all that emotion and physical strain and being able to talk about it shows how strong you are.
I think sometimes its best to be honest and brutal and if people are doing something which is going to prevent you or lo from being comfortable (like feeding her when you don't want them to) its just best to politely ask them to stop. And if they don't get the hint... Hit them round the head with the bottle

I'm sorry youve been through such a traumatic time but to me it sounds like you are doing great and just haven't had the support you should have from your family.

Talking to somebody may help... They won't take angel away so don't be afraid of that. You asking for help will not be used against you.

Big hugs for you

Love the name angel by the way

Xxx

 

[mum2b410]

Hey Lauren..... hunnie u are being soooo hard on yourself and u shouldn't! I did not have quite as traumatic time as u with Ethan's birth but I do remember the sound of the CTG monitor and his heartbeat dropping and dropping at the end and being soooo scared it wasn't going to pick up again!!! The room filling with people etc and not knowing if it was going to be ok or not.......these things alone traumatised me let alone what u went through! Have u been able to get your notes and discuss what happened with a midwife? Maybe you should try counselliong as others have suggested or see if the Birth trauma association can help?? Anyone would find it difficult to cope with what u went/are going thru.......I feel on a permanent rollercoaster of emotions and I have a very loving and supportive family and friends.....your family just haven't helped the situation at all and have contributed negatively to the way u felt after the birth and subsequently how u are now!

U need to speak to someone hun, health visitor, gp, your OH? Let someone in who u can lean on and get support from.....u can't keep going like this, u deserve to feel better and be happy!!......And as for Angel- she loves u hun, YOU are her mummy, noone else!! She can't say it yet but u are the one who carried her for 9 months, who grew her inside u and kept her safe and healthy.....even tho she wasn't given straight to u when she was born she has u now and she knows you from being inside u! I sometimes think Ethan prefers his Daddy because I get so frustrated at times and lose patience but my OH is so laid back.....however we have to remember that we are looking after our LO's all day everyday and all night too in some cases and therefore we are more tired and less able to keep perspective at times. Daddy goes out to work and get s a break from the crying and constant responsiobility so it's much easier for them to come home and be patient and relaxed with LO. I am sure u are doing an amazing job of looking after your precious Angel and u have to keep faith that if she is putting on weight and that no one has identified any problems with her that she is fine and strong and healthy!
As for the BF- DON'T feel guilty......it was clearly an extremely tough time for u and BF is sooooo hard to establish for some women......I think u did the right thing with the formula for your own sanity and health and at the end of the day Angel needed u to be able to care for her....if u had driven yourself crazy trying to breast feed she wouldn't then have had u to look after her!
Sorry I've rambled on a bit, but I can relate and I have suffered before with depression and know what it can feel like. You need to be brave hun and get help.....things can and will get better, *BIG HUG*

 

[1986princess]

please go and speak to someone if your feeling low its so important xxx thinking of you and hope u feel better soon xxx