OH's/ husbands after a loss

Discussion in 'Coping with Miscarriage & Loss' started by twixi, Jun 2, 2013.

  1. twixi

    twixi Well-Known Member

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    How have your ohs been dealing with loss? The first few days mine was great but unfortunately the last couple not so good. He doesn't want to talk about it anymore, and wants me to snap back to normal. I must say I think I've been doing pretty well, managing to get out for a bit every day some housework, looking after kids etc.
    I'm worried this will Push us apart, not really sure how to handle it? X
     
  2. CARNAT22

    CARNAT22 Well-Known Member

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    My OH was amazing to a point and then he seemed able to draw a line under it and that was it. He didn't want to discuss it anymore??

    Looking back I know he felt like he was doing me a favour (not talking about = not letting me dwell on it in his mind)

    Losing our baby was very isolating as I felt that even though he'd suffered a loss too he didn't "understand"

    We went through it 3 times and it was only when we went to the recurrent miscarriage clinic and he saw me have 14 vials of blood taken for various tests that he fully acknowledged we had a problem that was more than bad luck!

    My OH held me at the right time and said the right things but I know he didn't feel the same way I did.

    All I can say is that they don't mean any malice. They don't have the same connection to a baby that we do.

    Don't be too hard on him or yourself, just tell him that at times you are going to need to talk about this and you will need him to listen and do his bit.

    You will get through it but it takes time

    xxxxxx
     
  3. scn

    scn Well-Known Member

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    My husband was amazing from when we were told baby had died, labour, delivery and for about a coulpe of weeks afterwards. Then he drew a line and doesn't talk about the loss itself any more and gets a bit annoyed at me when I'm upset now. He is still openly talking about trying again, getting our bloods back, and making plans for the take home baby we hope to have. So, having a baby is still very much on his radar and we talk about it a lot, just not the grief of the lost baby.
    Don't be too hard on him, I think it's just the way men handle things xx
     
  4. Nikki1985

    Nikki1985 Well-Known Member

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    I concur the ladies above. We have just found out at our 20 week scan that our baby will not make it to full term.

    I am absolutely in pieces, and my husband has seemed like everything is normal. He even asked if we wanted to go caravanning at the end of June and if we wanted to go to a friends BBQ next weekend (whose wife would be due the same time as me). He feels insulted when I ask what the hell is wrong with him to ask such a thing right now, he can't understand what he is doing wrong. He says he doesnt know how to deal with it, but thinks the best thing is to be try and be strong.

    It's no good if both parents go to pieces, as the mother you are naturally going to feel it more. Your husband thinks his job is to hold the fmaily together, take on the practical jobs, look after the other kids while Ive just lay in bed and cried for days. On the surface it looks as though he taking it well, but the truth is he just doesnt know what to feel and he thinks he is being strong for me by taking the household responsibilities off me and keeping everything ticking along.

    It doesnt mean they dont care about the baby, they just think they are helping you by being the strong one x
     
  5. lozzalozza

    lozzalozza Well-Known Member

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    My husband was good but don't think he really understands how much I hurt. We run our own business and after having the scan when I found out about mmc I phoned to tell him in floods of tears and he made me go back to work as there was work to do when I could barely function (crashed the car and everything) he was really sympathetic for the first few days but now it's not mentioned and when I try to explain that it hurts to be round other families he acts like I'm odd and just ignores what I say. He is convinced I'm silly to worry that I'll never have a family but it's eating away at me. X
     
  6. twixi

    twixi Well-Known Member

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    Oh I'm so sorry for your losses ladies lots of love and hugs.
    It would seem they all have a similar patern of behaviour. It's true if we both fell apart the family would be in some state, though I get envious he can put it to the back of his mind while my body and hormones give me a constant reminder.
    We went to a country park today for a nice day out which was packed with pregnant women and newborns which really put me on a downer. My sil is giving birth by c section this week which will be a tricky one. So glad I can chat on here it really helps xx
     
  7. Daley

    Daley Well-Known Member

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    My hubby is the same Hun. He's gives me hugs at all the right moments but can laugh and joke and get on with his day etc. think he is just putting on a brave face for me though.
     
  8. Lou1103

    Lou1103 Well-Known Member

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    I agree with a lot thas been said already. It can be frustrating for them to see us struggle because their connection wasnt as strong. I had a mmc, scanned at 10+4 but baby was 7+3 and i know its early but it still hurt and during an argument he actually said 'it wasn't even a baby'. Don't thinki'll ever forget that.

    We were both so stressed its bound to strain any relationship. We're better now but i think thats because i am dealing better with it. Sigh.
     
  9. T84

    T84 Well-Known Member

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    It's so hard on the oh's I think cos they try and be strong for us and do the right thing but its so different for them. I suppose reminding yourself that no matter how they are acting, they are hurting too. I probably find it more hard now 6 weeks down the line cos he is back to normal whereas I struggle still sometimes. Everyone is just so different in their ways x x
     

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