OH in delivery room

[stace914]

my boyfriend hasn't been too enthusiastic about being in the room with me when i deliver.
he says he doesn't want to see a baby come out of me. he also says he doesnt want to think about how big i'm going to have to stretch.

these remarks make me feel really upset. i would love him to be there to support me, and welcome our little one into the world. at the same time i don't want him to be put off by me afterwards. i am still a woman, and i still want him to think im sexy.

i have read about men who can't ever be intimate with their wives again.

i think i am just going to tell him he doesn't have to be there, and tough through it by myself.

i'm starting to cry writting this.

 

[CorrieFan]

Hi there,

Actually I think I agree with you - don't pressure him to be in the delivery room with you. Just let him know that you would love it if he were there but he doesn't have to be. You are only just over half way through your pregnancy and he has a long time yet to get used to the idea that he is having a child. It probably still hasn't dawned on him properly what is going to happen.

Just relax and let it sink in with him. Is different for men because they aren't going through it and they can't feel every movement. In a couple of months he may suddenly realise he wants to be there.

 

[Chrissy1]

My OH is really sqeamish and was a bit put off about the idea of being in there with me in case there was any blood etc but I've told him he doesn't have to look at what's happening..... just stay up the other end and help me get through it!!!

I wouldn't put too much pressure on if I was because that might put him off more but I would gently suggest that the baby coming out is only going to be in one little bit and he doesn't have to see it if he doesn't want too

 

[Tillytots]

Aww hun, dont get upset. Have some hugs

My OH was the same, he said he would never look at me as sexy again if he saw me give birth. He was in the delivery room but sat in the corner about 2metres away throughout. At the moment of pushing the midwives asked if he wanted to come and hold my hand but I said No becuase Id break it if he did

I didnt need him, I felt very empowered giving birth and Im sure you will too xxxx

 

[Hazel]

My DH said it was the most amazing moment of his life seeing our daughter being born. I would ask him to be in the room but he doesn't have to look down the business end if he doesn't want to.

 

[Strangeness]

My dh said he'd never look when dd was born, as soon as she started crowning I couldn't keep him away!! He watched the whole thing and was beaming for days after

 

[*Star*]

I think men sometimes only think about the 'practical' side of the birth, ie the actual delivery.

I would agree, say you would really like him there, that you don't expect him to be looking down and watching the actual delivery, but you want to share this special occasion with him.

And also, just in case, would there be someone who could be your birth partner too? Mum, or sister or best friend?

He's got a long time to come round though, so try not to worry too much

 

[bunnymom1980]

Have you got someone else who could be your birth partner instead?

He might feel differently a bit nearer the time and he might surprise you by changing his mind.

 

[Laura_James&Amber]

My OH is really squeamish and hates hospitals. When we first talked about it he wanted to be there but didn't want to watch the baby come out, now though he says he does want to watch it! Once he's used to the idea your OH might change his mind and like the others have said he doesn't have to be down that end and can make sure he doesn't see anything he doesn't want to, he can be up your end supporting you!

 

[~*Leanne*~]

He doesnt have to watch the baby come out of you hun!

My OH is very sqeemish and i mean VERY, when i had my bloods taken he nearly fainted so i cant imagine what he is going to be like at the birth!! BUT i dont want him to look 'down there' when its happening anyway so he is going to stay up top with me!

 

[jills10uk]

i agree with the girls who say ask him could he not just be with you but stay up top? i guarantee you if he does he won't be able to resist looking. my dh says he didn't even think about the whole sex thing when our wee man was being born, just that it was the most fabulous experience watching our child being born.

 

[NickyB]

MY OH is also very squeamish, we had a huge argument on the way to antenatal classes because he didn't want to know the detail. I'm so glad he went because the MWs were talking about how the menfolk can help us.

I bet if I didn't mind either way he'd probably not want to be in the delivery suite but I've told him I need his support, so it's a bit tough really. I don't want to be in pain, or tear, or any of those horrible things, but I don't have much choice, there's only one way this is coming out. He's staying at the head end, and I think he'll appreciate the 'miracle' of it all afterwards.

However, he's squeamish, and it's not his opinion or feelings towards me that'll be affected. Perhaps your OH will come round after the classes when he realises what's actually going to happen and this is his baby, not some baby on TV.

 

[Bexie]

Like all the other girls have said, try and give your partner time to come round. i know how upset you must feel as you will need and want support on the big day. My OH can become even more stubborn the more I go on at him about something, but if I give him time to think things through he can sometimes come round to my way of thinking.

If he decides closer to the time that he still doesn't want to be there, is there anyone else you could ask to be your birthing partner. Another thing to think about is that he just needs to stay at the head end, he can turn his back on your lower regions and miss your LO's arrival if he feels that strongly.

 

[Mildly]

I read a really interesting article on why men shouldn't be at the birth just last night. It's here if anyone fancies a read.

Initially I completely dismissed the idea before actually reading the article as I have always thought that anyone present at the conception has a responsibility to be there at the birth. Although I find some of the Obstetrician's comments arrogant especially in respect of his own children's birth, there were a lot of interesting points about the conditions needed for certain hormones release.

There was a discussion on another forum regarding the article and it was interesting to note that a significant amount of women, in retrospect, wished that their partner had not been at the birth because they found them distracting or unhelpful or downright stressful. Many women were of the opinion that they couldn't have done it without their partners supporting them but a few of them were moved by the article to ask their partners what kind of experience they'd had. Some of these women were shocked/surprised to hear their partners describe something that they considered as the most amazing experience in their lives, as ok, or something they felt obliged to be at.

I think ultimately, it is a very personal decision. Some men find that watching the birth (whether from the business or supporting end) brings them much closer to their child and helps bonding. Some men find it stressful to see their partners go through so much pain and feel useless as they aren't able to assist. Some men feel obliged by society to be there but are so worried about the blood and gore aspect of things they are unable to enjoy the experience.

Reading that article for me, has helped me see that I wouldn't want to force my partner to be at the birth if he didn't want to be. My OH has stated that he doesn't want to be down the business end and I'm glad of this - personally I wouldn't want to look down there if a mirror was offered so I can understand his feelings. I think it is important to specify to your partner what kind of support you want during labour as I imagine birthing partners (especially first time birth partners) are at a bit of a loss as to what they should be doing. In some ways if they have a bit of a plan about what they should be doing, it will help them to feel more involved, even if it is just that they are on DJ duty and in charge of the CD changing, or massage duty during contractions.

 

[Rosebay]

Hi,

I sympathise with how you're feeling hun as my OH just couldn't face being in the delivery room with me when I had Elliott. He has always been squeamish, he has actually properly passed out about three times in his life due to squeamishness, once when his Dad was telling him about a medical procedure, he wasn't even there so I knew he really meant it and that it would have made him deeply unhappy. My Mum was my birthing partner therefore although I actually had no shortage of offers from others too funnily enough, all women who had had babies I might add. In the end my Mum came with me and my Dad stayed outside with my OH while he paced all night. Mum kept popping out to tell them how it was going. I actually felt once I was there that it being an all female, all women who have had children situation was totally right for me. I pooed on the floor and peed etc etc and they didn't blink an eyelid as they'd both done it too, I just didn't have that element of embarrassment that I would have had if he had been there much as I love him and have been with him for 14 years now! I also would have been worrying about him, I know it, and I really didn't need that extra thing- I needed to feel that confident people who knew what they were doing were in control and both my MW and my Mum did that for me brilliantly. My Mum was so my Mum- giving me small sips of water, holding my gas and air, rubbing my back and telling me to REALLY push at a point where I was too off my head to know what was going on- I think I trusted her more than I would have trusted my OH with my lady bits and to know what was going on with the whole birth process as my OH knew nothing. (My Dad on the other hand is a very practical, scientific man and had read a lot of manuals before I was born so was right in there with my birth, keeping an eye that they did things right for my Mum and me!!)

My Mum had been worried about seeing me in pain but she thanked me afterwards for letting her be there and said she loved it. My OH was sent in when everything was clean, calm and happy. I was totally stunned by the whole thing, not really full of the joy I expected, just totally knackered and basically in a kind of shock I think! I remember very clearly looking over at my OH holding Elliott, crying with happiness, and it was like I watched him fall in love with him, it was one of the most beautiful things I'll ever see. I really don't think that he would have been able to have had quite that instant connection if it had been another way. He says he'll never forget my Mum coming out and telling him that there are "Two people really wanting to see you"- it was all perfect for us and I think in the end that's what it comes down to. You have to be honest about it with each other and don't force him to be there if you think he'll genuinely be distressed by it. My cousin blames her divorce on her husband's reaction to her first birth, mostly because he'd just lost his mother and seeing her in pain and in hospital "because of him" sent him over into quite bad depression- I'm NOT saying that happens in every case or in many cases at all really but I do think there's a serious issue there.

I'm worried that my Mum might not make it to my birth this time in case it happens too quickly (she lives an hour and a half away) but if that happens I'll just brave it alone I think but then I'm not as scared the second time around somehow.

Not sure this helps, just wanted to put my experience down for you. Really I was so glad he wasn't there even though I never thought that before.

+++

 

[Urchin]

My OH has been at all 3 births and TBH it wasn't that helpful to me, don't get me wrong, it was great he was there... great for him really to be able to witness it but at my 3rd birth my best friend was there and OMG she was the best birthing partner EVER i wish I'd have asked her to the other 2! My OH was so pleased she was there too, really took the pressure off him and she knew all the right things to say when he felt a bit lost.
If your OH doesn't want to be there, in all honesty, pick a friend who does and you won't regret it at all!

 

[lea m]

My OH is pretty squeamish too but has always just stayed "up top" lol Held my hand and looked at my face! The mw's ask if he would like to see baby crowning and he says no each time!

 

[MissyRee]

My OH said he didnt want to see all the action but he was holding my hand and watching my boys head crowning when i was in labour so you never know he might want to look at the actual time x

 

[stace914]

thanks so much for the reply's girls. they have actually really helped, i almost don't even want him to be there now. it would be really emberassing.

his sister offered to be in the room, she doesnt have any children... i might scare her. i dont think i would want my mother there, she is too stressful. lol

i would almost prefer to do it all alone now.

 

[Urchin]

Do you not have a friend you could ask?
I know it seems a bit embarrassing but it's an amazing thing to be able to share with someone, I've never been to one but I'm hoping to be at my friends one in a few weeks, I cannot wait!