New to site - relationship issue

[Kirstymcg]

Hi there

I am new to this site and hope that there are people out there who can share experiences or give advice.

I am 6 mths pregnant and my husband walked out at the start of the week. I discovered he had ran up £1k of debt on a credit card and when I questioned him on this he could not give a proper explanation. He has been taking large cash amts over a short period of time and cannot explain what this is. I am unsure whether he is cheating as he never really goes out apart from a thu night for a few hours, but all these thoughts are running throught my head. He said he was fed up and this was his way of getting back at me.

He has not been in contact and I dont know what to do - he stayed away a few mths ago after an argument and now he has done it again I am scared if I take him back he might do it again and I am not sure I can keep going through this hurt. There is also the element of mistrust - if he cant be honest I dont see whether I can trust him again and there is always going to be this in the back of my head.

My family think I should tell him where to go - and I am of that opinion myself but there is always the element of me wanting him to contact me to explain and I dont know if he is going to do that.

I feel so confused and so hurt - I know I could cope on my own and having my baby will be great but I never thought this could happen to me.....

Kirsty

 

[beanie]

Hi Kirsty. First things first, welcome to the site, hope that you enjoy using it. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through, it is the last thing you need when you are about to have a baby. From the sounds of your post I get the impression that you are pretty much decided on not having him back. If you can't trust him then I think you have done the right thing, I don't think there can be a relationship if there is no trust. However he needs to get in touch with you, firstly to give you some answers and scondly you are going to have his baby soon and he needs to be there for you and the baby.How long did he stay away for before?

I think that you should go with your gut instincts as they are usually spot on. xx

 

[Kirstymcg]

Hi

Thanks for getting back to me - I really dont want him to come back if there is the possibility he could go again but there is that little part of me that does not want to throw away the 9 years we have been togethere.

I suppose I am frustrated that he has not contacted me - dont know what he is playing at - he only stayed away for a couple of nights before - I know he has only been away for a few nights but this not knowing is killing me.

And again - the fact that he is not wanting to let me know what he has been spending this money on is very frustrating.

I am so confused.

 

[beanie]

I kind of know what you mean. I am the kind of person who likes to know what is hapening and then I can deal with it and sort it out. He's not letting you do this and is making it a lot more difficult. I also hear you about the not wanting to throw away 9 years, but this isn't your doing. It his actiomns that have led to this situation so don't feel guilty. I hope you get your answers soon hun, xxxx

 

[Urchin]

I would think the guilt is stopping him from contacting you... and the question is what has he done that he needs to be guilty about?
The obvious answer is the one you have come to, he could be cheating....but unless he comes clean who knows... could it be gambling or drugs?
Someone hiding things like this cannot be trusted, and it's one thing to let him back for you but obviously when the baby arrives he'd be letting down someone else.... someone a lot more fragile.
I know it must be very hard, but I think you're right to think you shouldn't have him back, like beanie says, trust comes first in a relationship, and it sounds like you can't trust him.


Welcome to the forum by the way

 

[lauramumof2]

Hi Kirsty,
Welcome, im sorry it couldnt have been in happier circumstances
I think too, that yuo are right to not want him back. He has thrown away the last nine years, not you and if he wants to come back then he better have some bloody good answers.
Someone who leaves a pregnant woman without explantion isnt a man at all.
Take care sweetie

Laura

 

[MummySian]

Hi Kirsty

Welcome to the forum, sorry it could not be in more happier circumstances. I think you are right not to want him back, if he cannot be honest then that is no basis for a relationship, especially with a baby on the way.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, do you know what you are having yet?
Take care xxx

 

[cassi]

This sounds very sneaky...but id be searching his things high and low for bank statements....And find out just what this money has been going on...he is playing you about and its not fair...i think you should put your foot down and make sure he knows from now on he cant run rings around you cause he obviously thinks he can say these things, lie to you and run off and then come back when it pleases him....

I think its time to play him at his own game and let him lie in the bed he has made for himself...
I know it cant be easy for you, 9 years is a long time..but if nothing is done and he is just let to come back when it pleases him he will keep doing it over and over again and this will not be good for you or your baby!...

Get some friends together and go on a holiday or something for a couple of weeks..unwind and let him see that his behaviour dosnt phase you or get him the attention he is obviously craving anymore.

You poor girl...what could anyone do to deserve such deceit from the man you are meant to be able to love and trust!

cassi x

 

[Kirstymcg]

Dear all

Thankyou all for your replies.

Three weeks have passed and I have not had any contact.

I visited a solicitor two weeks ago to find out where I stand re financials. I did not want to proceed with anything but only to get some advice. The solicitor agreed that this was sensible and not to rush into thingss.

Anyway, I txt husband to ask him where to send correspondance from solicitor, in response to this he came back ito house (when I was not there and lifted the tv and computer!). I suppose this is scare tactics on both sides.

Anyway, have not heard from him since. So clearly whatever he has been upto, he is very guilty and does not want to reveal this yet, and as my mum says he is waiting to find out what I am going to do next and is probably shocked that I have went this far.

He has to realise that I am not a pushover and my main priority is my baby at the moment, if he chooses to be deceitful and a little boy then I am letting him do that, his guilt will soon eat away at him and he will regret what he has done, I can then decide what I want to do at this point. But till then I am concentrating on my baby - -my mum and dad have kind offered to take me away to the canaries at the end of the mth for a few days to relax so I am really looking fwd to that.

I am very angry the now, not upset anymore but he is just making me stronger and realising that I am the one in the strong position here!

Anyways, grateful of any advice and past experiebces!"

K

P.S I am having a wee boy and cannot wait - hopefully he will not turn out like his father

 

[lauramumof2]

I would change your locks for starters. He cant just wander in and out with you knowing. He gave up that right the day he walked out.

 

[Imi-Maddie's-Mum]

Laura has deff got a point!!

Change the locks and when you go away inform your neighbours ... if he tries to gain forceable entry tell them to call the police ...

Goodluck hun and enjoy the break ... could do with one myself!

Imi x

 

[Kirstymcg]

I have been told by solicitor that I cannot legally change locks - but what I did do was fit an alarm.

I have family who will be wathcing the house and he will not know I am away as no-one who I know is likely to tell him and I have told min people poss so should be ok

K

 

[lmwarr]

Sorry to here about all the goings on with your so called husband men can be a-holes!

Make sure you keep an eye on your bank accounts if they are joint and anything you have in both your names as he can still run up further debt and all sorts and that is definately something you dont need!

Congrats on your little boy and i am sure he will grow up to be a decent lad.

 

[Kirstymcg]

Hi all

Thought I would update you - well after 4 weeks on non contact I received a text from the wimp. As follows -

Hi, I hope u r ok. Is everything ok with the baby. Dont think I dont care about him. Do you need me 2 get anything 4 him. Listen u can have the car if u need it. I dont want to coz anymore upset than I cozd u already.

Whats that all about - I have decided to ignore it and see how he likes it when someone ignores him. However, what still is annoying is that he offers no explanation as to why he left and what he has been upto. So I am afraid thats why I am choosing to ignore this.

Just to let you all know I am getting on great anyway -lots to concentrate on at the moment and plenty to look fwd to.

K

 

[beanie]

Talk about avoiding the issue, and playing the matyr. Am glad to hear you are doing well, bet your little boy is growing nicely. I agree, ignore him and see how he likes it . Hope to hear from you again soon xx

 

[lauramumof2]

Listen u can have the car if u need it.

K

yep, to run him down with. Just ignore him, he isnt a man. Hope you are okay.

 

[Hypnorm]

i personally would change the locks as a safety issue and also make your own bank account.
Glad you are doing ok on your own, he can't be much of a man if he can't come round and explain things.

 

[Kirstymcg]

Hi all

I have yet another update for you - first of all went on holiday and had a lovely rest for a few days. Just what I needed.

Anyway, I was very annoyed last week that I still had lack of contact so I decided to txt him and say he was being very childish and that ignoring a prob does not make it go away and that I still expected answers. Got a txt back later that night saying he had kept back as he did not want to stress me out!!!!!!!!!!! What a laugh - so this prompted me to call him as enough was enouogh! I was very good on the call very calm and did not get angry at all - he advised that he was not coming back, but when I said ok but you still need to give me answers he said he did not have any. I asked him to come and speak to me but he said he couldnt face me. We had a conversation for about 20 mins him asking about baby etc which really annoyed me. It was as if he was chatting to a friend. Anyway that night I decided to contact him the next day and ask him to come to house at wknd cos we needed to discuss finances, I accepted his decision and just wanted to get on myself. He appeared on Sat, I handed him his docs and then asked him to pay a few bills for the next couple of mths until baby was born then we could re-assess, I hoped he would go after that but he just stood there. Here we go I thought. Again he was trying to get me into conversation. he tried to play the nervous breakdown card saying he just couldnt cope etc but I still dont beleive that - I think there is more to it but not sure I will ever find out. Again it was as if he was chatting to a friend, think he is deluding himself that everything is hunky dory and he can just swan in and chat when he pleases, as if he is on a wee holiday!!! It was amusing! I had mentioned that I was at midwfife today and he said ok I will phone you Tue - whats that all about!!!! He has not bothered for 6 wks why be interested now - and the fact that he is not wven willing to come back and try and fix it even more amusing. He thinks he can have this cake and eat it!!! Not that I want him back anyway!!

So needless to say, I am visiting a lawyer on Thu - I thhink I am going to have hassle with him re bills etc, he has got himself into so much debt I think he may cause me problems so I need legal back-up to make sure myself and baby are protected. You could see in his face when we were talking about bills he was panicking - he has totally not thought about what he has done. He has been out spending money, running uo credit cards etc and then prob thought he could swan back at some point. But no this is real life and even though he is not in my house he still has responsibilities which he is going to have to face up to!

Sorry for going on for so long - I find it all very amusing. I have been saying to my friend, I can bet any amt of money at some point before this baby is born he will be at my door with hopes of a reconciliation - but its too late for that. I would not subject my son to this man who is no way a decent role model. I could not carry on like that for the rest of my life. I can see a way forward for myself and have so many opportunites. Just going to have to get through the next few weeks and hopefully any hassle can be kept to a min!

K

 

[Hypnorm]

Good for you - you seem to be a strong person - i hope things work out for you. and that you get the idiot sorted. hopefully all the debts are in his own name.
Good Luck!

 

[violet-glow]

Hi all

Thought I would update you - well after 4 weeks on non contact I received a text from the wimp. As follows -

Hi, I hope u r ok. Is everything ok with the baby. Dont think I dont care about him. Do you need me 2 get anything 4 him. Listen u can have the car if u need it. I dont want to coz anymore upset than I cozd u already.

Whats that all about - I have decided to ignore it and see how he likes it when someone ignores him. However, what still is annoying is that he offers no explanation as to why he left and what he has been upto. So I am afraid thats why I am choosing to ignore this.

Just to let you all know I am getting on great anyway -lots to concentrate on at the moment and plenty to look fwd to.

K

Hiya hun, I was just reading ur post and was wondering if u find it hard sometimes not contacting him. Im finding it very hard at the moment. Sometimes I find myself holding my mobile and wanting to txt him.
But I guess when guys txt us its to makes theselves feel better and feel like there doing something if someone asks them.

Jo xxx