New and feeling a bit alone

[Toria18]

Hi, I’m new to this forum.

I’m 17 weeks with my second and I’ve just lost my mum. It was very sudden and unexpected. Whilst we weren’t hugely close she was still my mum and I miss her terribly.

Despite this my husband clearly thinks that after a week and a half I should be getting back to normal now (we’ve not even had her funeral yet) and thinks it’s appropriaye to sit playing video games on his pc until 2am and making sexual comments to me - I don’t think I’ve ever been less in the mood!

Now to top it off the obstetrician has told me I need to eat a low carb diet as my first baby was a big boy they want to try and stop that happening again and now I’m paranoid that with everything going on the stress is going to hurt my baby.

Sorry for ranty, sorry for self first post just feeling very alone

 

[Summerwine]

Hi Toria.

I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry for your loss - it must be incredibly difficult to be pregnant and dealing with grief like that. I haven't been in your situation so whilst I absolutely sympathise, I don't have any advice to offer aside from giving yourself time to grieve now. I would have a quiet word with your husband about his inappropriate and unsupportive behaviour, especially given the fact that you are pregnant on top of this loss!

I wouldn't be too worried about your diet right now, but it's something to bear in mind in the coming weeks perhaps, when you start to feel less overwhelmed? Perhaps wait until the funeral has been held and you've had an opportunity to say goodbye and then take some time out for you and look at your diet?

While you're worrying about stress, it may be worth visiting your GP. I know a lot of surgeries will refer you on to their counsellor in situations like yours, and you may find it really useful to talk about how your feeling and your worries and stresses with a stranger who just wants to listen.

*hugs* - you are not on your own. X

 

[KHTW]

I can't imagine how terrible it is to lose you mum, of course you need time to grieve and you should talk to your husband and tell him that, in case he actually doesn't get it (some men?!)

Maybe a few hours of counseling would help? x

Sending big hugs xx

 

[LuckyLaura]

I didn't want to read and run but Im not sure if i can be of any help. Big hugs and you are definitely not alone! I'm so sorry for your loss and your husband really needs to take a moment to think how you might be feeling as it obviously isn't affecting him much and he hasn't stopped to think that it's going to have much more of an effect on u! Plus u are going through this all 17 weeks pregnant with all those hormones flying about too so it'll hit you even harder!

Please don't worry about a sad or self focused post please post away there are so many lovely ladies on here I'm very sure you won't feel alone for much longer xx

Sent from my G8141 using Tapatalk

 

[malagueta]

Hi Toria. Firstly, sorry for your loss. Losing your mum is a terrible thing to go through at any time, never mind when pregnant. I lost my mum when I was 22. I'm now 27 and pregnant with my first and I really miss not having her, even just to ask questions for advice about pregnancy/baby.

As others have said, have a word with your husband. He needs to be acting supportive right now. Everyone is different in how they deal with bereavement. Some can move on fairly quickly while it takes others much longer so don't pressure yourself or let him pressure you into thinking you should be feeling OK by now a month, 3 months, etc down the line. Take the time you need.

It may be worth mentioning you've lost your mum to your GP/midwife and see if they can refer you for counselling. When I lost my mum I felt really lost and could probably have done with some help myself, looking back, but I didn't know where to ask or who to go to. Sometimes it helps just to get things off your chest.

With the no carb thing, you'll be fine when you get round to thinking about it. I have a gluten intolerance so can't eat things like pasta and bread but it's easier than you think!

 

[GBLiz]

Ugh, how insensitive of your husband. I'm so sorry for your loss . I've never lost anyone close to me but I know enough about grief to know that it lasts a LONG time and sometimes even more so when the relationship was n't really what it should have /could have been.

sometimes men dont know how to handle emotional things and try to numb it with sex because thats what works for them. in his totally immature way he might be thinking ..hmm, maybe sex will make her cheer up. I dont know. But you certainly need to tell him to grow up right now.....

 

[Toria18]

Thank you all for your lovely responses, it has helped me feel less alone.

I don’t know what hubby is playing at but last night was asking me if I regret falling pregnant - super helpful but no I’m just sad and on the whole am a grumpy pregnant person. He seems to think because I don’t particularly enjoy the back ache, sciatica, nausea, exhaustion that I don’t want the baby.

I seem to think he was a bit like this when we had our first actually.

 

[Spriddy7]

So sorry hun I lost my mum in October unexpectedly just as I had d8scovered I was pregnant. Unfortunately he is going to need to be made to understand that for a while you certainly won't be in the mood particularly I think I was at least 6 weeks and to be honest even then it was last thing on my mind but I did start to feel bit guilty. You certainly won't have grieved yet and although I was upset in the first 2 weeks I felt the week after the funeral was even worse. You are important right now nobody else maybe you need to cry shout a bit to make him get it if need be xx

 

[_GG_]

Toria, first things first, you do not have to feel alone. Come and join us in the July mummies thread. It's busy, there are quite a few of us on there and sometimes it can be impossible to catch up but it doesn't matter. We all look out for each other, support each other and regularly rant and vent in the secure knowledge that everybody understands and nobody minds.

Your mum was your mum. Nobody else can ever fill that space in your life, no matter what the relationship was like and so you absolutely need to grieve and grieve for all of it. As a mother and mother to be, you're grieving a grandmother to your babies as well. You absolutely need to be given the time that you need, without limits, to get yourself through this.

Your husband, well, start by trying to talk to him about it all and tell him what your expectations are. The baby is created by and part of both of you. That means both of you have to play a part it all of its life...including that which is spent in the womb. A relationship is a partnership. It is rarely 50/50. There will be times when he will be down and you will need to put 80% of the effort in...now is a time where you are grieving and pregnant and he needs to step up and be strong and adult for both of you. No ifs or buts. No, "but video games help me relax" bollocks...he can play them when you are feeling better about things. For now, you need his focus to be on you and supporting you through this.

If talking doesn't work, then lay the fucking law down. Tell him his balls were big enough to make a baby so they can be big enough for him to man up, grow up and be a proper husband and dad.

Be kind to yourself, lean on us lot and don't be a stranger xxx

 

[Shanivy]

Toria I hope your doing okay. Congratulations on your little bundle and I'm sorry for your loss.

GGs right if you feel you need someone to talk to feel free to join us in the Second Tri July mummies group. There's always someone moaning about something so you can have plenty of people who will happily listen to you. Also don't worry about baby, a little stress won't harm them. Don't feel guilty for feeling upset. Take care of yourself xx