my dads side of the family :(

[leckershell]

Like a couple of the other girls on here I'm wondering about still keeping in touch with some people in my family.

Basically it's my grandparents on my dad's side.

My mum's side of the family aren't particularly wealthy, are pretty down to earth and generally very forgiving and kind. My nan and grandad have set Ryan up a bank account and spent far too much money on us, but they live in a warden-run home in scotland and my nan pays 20p to play bingo every tuesday evening with the other women there, and they hold raffles for 10p and other sweet old lady things. I got in touch with a "auntie and uncle" on my mums side too who I haven't contacted in years and years and they want to meet Ryan and keep sending little notes saying they never tire of his photos and hope I'll stay in touch. Another auntie died recently - I don't know much about her but I got Ryan's birth announcement card to her before she died which makes me feel glad to know.

My family on my dad's side have always been a bit funny. They bear grudges about the silliest things. The grandparents the most though. They never sent me a card or anything for my 21st because they thought the birthday card I got grandma was "inappropriate" (it was a photo card with a picture of a cat on... nothing wrong with it but they thought it wasn't fitting to a grandma-aged lady if you know what I mean, thought it too modern). Ok I let that one go cos 21st was no biggy to me, I'm not much into birthdays.

I sent out birth announcements and sent them one and they replied ages later saying grandma had been ill and might not make another year, but they got my Ryan card. Oh did I mention they are *loaded*. I sent grandma a box of diabetic chocolates to say get well soon, and they sent a £30 cheque for Ryan. It was around the time of the postal strikes. I swear to god I replied saying thankyou but it never arrived.

So I got a card for christmas for us all but nothing else. This might sound ungrateful but if you knew what they are usually like - well, they are paying my brother's Uni tuition fees and sent him and my younger brother big cheques for christmas, I mean big cheques. I was a bit gutted to be honest. They didn't send anything because they thought I was ungrateful for not saying thank you, and the cheek of it to send them photos and a christmas card (that I'd sat and made with Ryans photo on) without thanking them for the cheque.

I'm not bothered about the money because we aren't struggling... but I just feel a bit sad for Ryan that his loaded relatives sent him nothing at all for his first christmas (got a little present list in his memory box). It's the principle of it.

I sat down and wrote an apology letter, I didn't call them over christmas because I was amazed they didn't contact us. I just said "sorry, Ryan's been teething, I've not been well and sorry for not being in touch and the thank you letter didn't get through etc". But I haven't sent it because I don't know if I should bother.

Compared to my mums side of the family, they have treated me like sh*t (took my dads side when I left home because he beat me up, look down on me because I didn't go to uni etc even though they knew I couldn't afford to). I feel like I should try and involve them for Ryan's sake as my grandma is dying, but at the same time should I really keep making an effort and falsely grovelling when they are being ridiculous in the first place?

Sorry for how long that is, I've been meaning to type it since christmas. And again please don't think I want their money as that's not why I contacted them in the first place.

 

[Squiglet]

Its really annoying coming from that sorta back ground.

I never had a good relationship with either set of grandparents... on my mother's side it was because I was a girl and my Grandfather preferred boys... so when he died when I was 12 I wasn't overly gutted. After that none of my mums family spoke to us any more and well I don't really care tbh.

On my father's side... well my granddad was a wonderful man, and when he died 11 years ago I was really upset... My grandmother on the other hand, who is still alive is a whole different kettle of fish. She blames me and my mum for the break up of my dad's previous marriage even though that marriage ended years and years before my parents got together.

My grandmother, never bothers about me or my kids... there are no pictures of me or my daughter adorning the walls in her sitting room... they are all of my cousin, his two kids, his girlfriend and my half (supposedly) sister... who never bothers with her anyway. My half sister is NOT related to us... her mother had an affair and she doesn't look like any of us... all the kids and grandkids all look scarily alike. But my grandmother has this grudge that has nothing to do with me... and tbh... I don't care about her anymore.

I don't send cards, letters, nothing... and she returns the favour in kind. When she refused to come to my wedding, it was my dad I felt sorry for, I didn't even want to invite her.... She'll be dead soon, and I will go to her funeral out of respect for my dad, but I won't feel any loss...

I know I sound callous, but this has been going on all my life, and if I let the unfairness of it all upset me, I'd spend my life being upset and I'm not letting her do that to me just because my dad remarried... that had nothing to do with me. And besides.. I don't think I missed out tbh you don't miss what you never had, and I am just glad Tia has my mum for a grandma...

 

[lauramumof2]

If you have to contact them at all them I would write a polite note saying you have been made aware that they didnt receive the thank you note but that you can assure them that one was sent. I definately wouldnt apologise though, you didnt do anything wrong and if they knew you at all they would know this.

They dont sound like very nice people. Like you said, money isnt the issue but to them it seems like the only way to prove a point. Very cruel of them.

 

[leckershell]

Like you said, money isnt the issue but to them it seems like the only way to prove a point. Very cruel of them.

That's a better way of wording what I was trying to say.

It just really annoys me that everything is so fake when my nan and grandad on my mums side never expect anything in return and always give as much help as they can.

My dads parents took a limo to my great grandparents funerals (Torquay to Reading, and back, twice) just because they could. They also go on cruises all over the world that grandma is too ill to enjoy - they've told my dad before they want to spend as much of the inheritance as they can so nothing is passed down to us.

I know they're nasty selfish people but I don't know whether I should still be contacting them for Ryan's sake or not? I'm not one to hold a grudge... I don't like them and I still make the effort to send photos. But it's just annoying that it's all one way

Sorry, I don't really know what I'm trying to say to be honest, just needed to vent really and see what outsiders thought of the situation.

Thanks for replies so far..x

 

[libs]

no you shouldn't - families are made of the people you love - not the people you accidentally share a few genes with - don't pass on the guilt thing that keeps making you stay in touch to your LO - give him people who love him for him instead

 

[mrs_tommo22]

I personally wouldnt worry to much about it hun for the sake of Ryan, he must have a million and one people who love him dearly already.

If yoiu dont want to get in contact with them hen dont- there being a tad pathetic about it especially as you explained what happened.

Don't upset yourself - they dont sound like very genuine people hun.

 

[Redshoes]

I understand how much it hurts when you go against what you'd do for yourself, because you feel your son deserves something, and I also think that at some point there will come a time when you just say enough is enough because unfotunately we cannot control anyone elses behaviour but our own. I'm sorry they are being so obviously unfair, and blatantly blind to be choosing not to play a part in their grandson's life.I hope you find some peace with it all soon, and I didn't for one moment think it had anything to do with money

 

[Babylicious]

thats awful how they have treated you I've been through the same with my dad and I choose not to have him in my life

 

[mayday]

They say you can choose your friends but you can't choose your relatives. I always think it is sad though when people who should share so much decide it is not for them. I would take the high ground and write them a letter, being extremely polite. Make the point of the letter about how much Ryan and you enjoyed his first Christmas and how special first Christmas's are, because you only get them once. Put a couple of pictures in. Then mention you are sorry they didn't get your thank you note - you posted it but there was all sorts going on with the post around then.

In doing this you have kept up your continued correspondence with them, and if they choose not to participate you know where you are. If it is no great loss to you then do not worry about it. But I know how disappointing it is. My OH's parents bought my baby a small stuffed toy wich must have cost them 2 quid, even though they are not short of pennies. On New Year's Eve OH's mum had too much wine and said they hadn't really bought baby anything as OH and I spend too much on her! Hhmmm - cheery New Year that was .

 

[foxymum]

aawww hun, sorry you have to go through all this families eh?
i have a crap relationship with my Dad & have no contact with his wife of 20 odd years & shes vever eveb seen Louie either, its sad, but sometimes i think 'oh lets just make it all up & be happy families' but i think 'why should I do it, they are adults (wel, so am i too ) but they are older & surely they should make some sort of move to make things right again.
we didn't even recieve a card from them when Louie was born, now that hurts.

i don't think things will ever change now though.

i think you follow you're heart, but it sounds to me like you should just move on & forget them.
true family members that love & care for you would NEVER treat you're family like that

 

[trixipaws]

aww im sorry to hear this michelle

mm i think sad as it is, if theyre that nasty i'd cut all ties with them. we're in a kinda similar situation millie's natural paternal grandad (my boyf's dad- his mum is dead) she'll probably never meet- iv never met him myself in the nearly 8 years iv been with my boyf. its a shame but from what iv heard from my boyf, his brother and his step-mum he sounds like a t***. apparently he is the reason my boyfs mum killed herself so enough said really
we considered a reconcilliation for millie's sake but my boyf decided he just cant be a*sed with his bulls**t, millie has two sets of loving grandparents- my parents and my boyfs step-mum (his dad's 3rd wife, he's on his 4th now ) and her husband. she doesnt need him.

i think from what youve said it sound like u hav made enough of an effort with them, but they are being a*sey u cant really do anymore it sounds like youd be flogging a dead horse so to speak.

its such a shame tho im so sorry