Am I doing a bad thing? Updated:31stDec:

[Redshoes]

I've been wanting to ask you ladies this since before Isaac was born but I'm so embaressed about it, but it's playing on my mind as the weeks pass now and Isaac changes so much, and we're ttc again.

I've not spoke to my Mum since I was in my second Tri with Isaac. She basically told me to piss off, so I did, and I'd love to explain why she said that but its ridiculous and very long, so please believe when I say I did NOTHING wrong, it was all her.

Anyway, she's still not been in touch, she's still not seen Isaac. My brother has a 1yr old son she sees all the time, which really hurts. She's playing with him, she's getting to know him, loving him. I still can't forgive what she did, upsetting me whilst I was pregnant, not being there for me, especially after seeing her be so devoted to my brother's girlfriend whilst she was pregnant.

Am I doing a bad thing not taking him to see her? Should I take Isaac to see her?
To be honest I don't want to take him to see her, I feel sick at the thought of it, but is it my right not to?

I'd love to know what you think, or if you've been through a similar situation with a family member, especially a Mother, and how your choices worked out for you and LO

UPDATE:In the end I sent a Christmas card from Isaac, and a photomug with a Christmas pic of Isaac on it saying Merry Christmas. In response, I got a text Christmas Day saying, 'Merry 1st Christmas Isaac, Nana loved her card and prezzie", that's it, so was a bit upsetting hearing what she'd got my lil bro's son for Christmas Think I'm leaving it there, I opened the door in my opinion, she couldn't even send him a card

 

[SarahH]

I voted yes that you should take him.... you said that it was over nothing really important....

My Mum passed away 5 years ago and I would do anything for her to see Arianna.... if it was over "nothing really" is it worth the chance of spoiling a relationship for your son and his grandmother?

 

[Strangeness]

I think this is a very personal decision hun. Only you can know how you feel about it. If you don't want your mum involved in your life then don't allow her. Would you be happy having her involved or would it stress you out? I know a lot of people are all for having family in your life no matter what but I know from experience that sometimes familes just don't get on and it's best to be kept apart. I think only you can know in your heart what feels right.

My father doesn't even know I have a child or that I'm married and that works for me. I could never have him involved in my life after everything he has put me and my family through. To be honest I don't feel anything for him anymore and I don't think he feels anything for us either so it's worked fine for me. We have enough love to give to our son and he has my mum but I don't think grandparents are essential to bringing up a child. There are plenty who grow up without them.

 

[LucyBee]

I voted yes without knowing the ins and outs.

I had a very similar situation with my Dad. We didn't speak at all for over 2 years. He was supposed to walk me down the aisle but ended up not coming to the wedding. It was terrible.

Anyway, I decided to get in touch when I was pregnant as I wanted Tom to know his Grandad.

I don't have any expectations of a 'proper' father/daughter relationship now and our conversations are very superficial. Things will never be how they were and I don't really want them to be. A trust has been broken and I can't really forgive that.

However, Tom loves his Grandad and he loves Tom. That's why I see him now and I'm happy with it. It's also better for me I think as the bitterness was driving me mad. Now everything feels much calmer.

Whatever you choose to do Amy is fine. You have to go with your instincts and what suits you best. There's nothing harder than family relationships and when you fall out with a parent it is a huge disappointment and you feel so let down BUT ... if you can...I would try and rise above it and get in touch with her. If you do it knowing that the sole purpose of you contacting her is for Isaac then it will probably make it easier for you. It worked for me with Dad anyway.

Good luck xxxx

 

[budge]

I've been wanting to ask you ladies this since before Isaac was born but I'm so embaressed about it, but it's playing on my mind as the weeks pass now and Isaac changes so much, and we're ttc again.

I've not spoke to my Mum since I was in my second Tri with Isaac. She basically told me to p*ss off, so I did, and I'd love to explain why she said that but its ridiculous and very long, so please believe when I say I did NOTHING wrong, it was all her.

Anyway, she's still not been in touch, she's still not seen Isaac. My brother has a 1yr old son she sees all the time, which really hurts. She's playing with him, she's getting to know him, loving him. I still can't forgive what she did, upsetting me whilst I was pregnant, not being there for me, especially after seeing her be so devoted to my brother's girlfriend whilst she was pregnant.

Am I doing a bad thing not taking him to see her? Should I take Isaac to see her?
To be honest I don't want to take him to see her, I feel sick at the thought of it, but is it my right not to?

I'd love to know what you think, or if you've been through a similar situation with a family member, especially a Mother, and how your choices worked out for you and LO

trust your instincts on this one. take him if you feel it is the right thing to do and don't if you think its the wrong thing.
either one you do will be the right thing.

 

[Squiglet]

I voted no... but only because your mum should at least mention to you that she wants to see her grandchild and accept that no matter what happens between you and her, the grandchild is the innocent party in this matter, and has done nothing wrong to deserve being out cast. After all you are both adults and you should both be mature enough to set your differences aside for the sake of the innocent in the party.

I would send her a card at xmas with some picture of Issac in them... Let her see what she is missing. Don't address it from you... make it an xmas card from Issac only.. ie. dear nanny, lots of love Issac. Hopefully it will tug on her heart strings a bit and she will contact you and request contact with Issac.

Then you can look at taking him there to see her.

I think if you just turn up with Issac she might see that as confrontational and an argument might ensue. Plus even if it didn't the atmosphere might be strained and you don't want Issac to pick up on that.

Do your bit to keep the relationship between Issac and your mother open, even if you feel offended by her comments.

 

[mary70]

There is no way i would be taking Hannah in the same situation if your mum hasnt made a move in over six months then i think she is telling you where you stand hun, get on and enjoy your baby, her loss not yours

 

[trixipaws]

its hard to say when i dont kno what happened, but i'v voted yes take him to see her- coz you & her and him & her are different relationships? but like i said i dont kno what happened so its hard to comment if it was a really bad thing i might feel differently.

 

[Tangerinedream]

I voted yes without knowing what is in the past. You never know what the future holds and it may be something you come to regret later on

 

[Babylicious]

I think no too, it doesn't sounds like she'll be part of his life so it's going to upset both you and him

My kids have nothing to do with my family

 

[mrs_tommo22]

I voted no redshoes because nearly two years ago my mum told me to fuck off when i simply popped over there to see if she was ok.

I walked out of there and havent been back since, she knew from my sister i was pregnant withs immy and even sent stuff for her but I havent got in contact and she hasnt tried contacting me or even apologising, lik you i hadnt done anuything wrong.

I dont regret not going back, im happy and im not putting myself tnrough the pain he put me through or my kids.

Trust your instincts, we cant tell you what to do!

 

[Redshoes]

Thankyou ever so much for the replies and for the PM Eevery single reply really helped me, I am honestly very grateful for both your opinion, advice and experience I think my heart wants my son and my Mum to have a relationship, I just feel sick at the thought of having to make that happen with someone I feel hurt me unintentionally.

SarahH your point really hit me, to be brutally honest if my Mum wasn't here tomz I'd feel so bad I never took Isaac, yet still this is my situation, I just feel the first step if taken will be very hard. My Mum has some issues and I really don't want to create any more upset. Squiglet I think the card idea is a great one, I am seriously considering it, it would be a safe step I think.

I'm still un-decided but its on my mind a great deal, and I just pray whatever happens that my son is happy at the end of it

 

[SarahH]

I've PM'd you hun xx

 

[Lola's Mummy]

I haven't taken Lola to see OH step mum because of things her and OH's dad said while i was pregnant.

She does see OH's dad though because he's her grandad but he comes to our house i won't take her to him, If he wants to see her then he can make the effort.

I'm still not happy about it and don't think i'll ever forgive them for what they said but i didn't want Lola to hold anything against me I'm sure she will realise what a tw*t he is when she's older

I haven't voted because it too hard not knowing the ins and outs but do what feels right for you

 

[Urchin]

I voted no.

Even though it was over nothing if your mom has made no effort to contact you why should you make the effort? All she had to do was send you a card or something. SHE's the one missing out, I am generally a stubborn person so I would let my mom make the first move of she told me to piss off. I'm the same with anyone who tells me stuff like that. I had a boyfriend once who told me to fuck off, so I did and he never saw me again.


I have a similar situation with my brother, I haven't spoken to him since way before Brody was born. (well I spoke to him twice but not through my own choice) He's missing out not me, plus he's a wanker so I don't care if I never see him again.

 

[Redshoes]

mrs_tommo22 and Urchin I can't help but agree, and if it was for ME I'd not even be asking about this but I can't help but wonder if I'm doing wrong by Isaac. She doesn't deserve my contacting her to 'work things out' at all, but maybe I should do that for Isaac. Like Lucybee says, her son and his Grandad have a great time otgether, despite their differences

It's just hard because I keep thinking what if I were my Mum, she must be so sad, but then she shouldn't also be so stubborn, and I'd never do that to my own child. I think after having Isaac her actions have been ever so more hurtful because I couldn't imagine upsetting Isaac for nothing.

I think I may send a Christmas card, from Isaac, but I think that's all for the time being, will leave it until next year then. I'm opening a door for her, see what she does with it first too. I think Isaac seeing her is the right thing to do, but just not yet, and this thread's helped me feel comfortable with that decision, so thankyou!!!

Why do families have to be so hard sometimes its interesting the reult of the poll is so split too.

 

[mrs_tommo22]

I think though redshoes me and you have a simillar situation, but very different mothers: I wont ever let my children near her cos she is pure poison and I dont want her filling their heads with shit or mine again, I cant take the rejection anymore either - im 24 and she makes me feel like a child still and I feel I have no will around her.

Maybe though it would be different for you and your mum, maybe send the card and if she responds well and apologises to you for what she did 0 then maybe you have the chance of becoming a family again. But i feel she must apologise to you for all the pain shes put you through.

I hope it works out for you redshoes, it doesnt for many but i really hope it does.

 

[bobtheunfortunateone]

I voted no, as I think it works both ways! she can come to see him at anytime, sounds like you would not stop her, so long has she treats him nice! Not worth the upset, sometimes you can try all you like and you still end up disappointed, best to shelter your little boy from such negativity. What ever you decide let us know.

 

[Redshoes]

In the end I sent a Christmas card from Isaac, and a photomug with a Christmas pic of Isaac on it saying Merry Christmas. In response, I got a text Christmas Day saying, 'Merry 1st Christmas Isaac, Nana loved her card and prezzie", that's it, so was a bit upsetting hearing what she'd got my lil bro's son for Christmas Think I'm leaving it there, I opened the door in my opinion, she couldn't even send him a card

 

[clairescunny55]

aww hun all i can say is at least you tried. She could've sent a card though xx