Brother in law (to be) rant

[elysoun]

After putting up with his most recent Childish behaviour, I've had enough.
It all started a few years ago when my OH didn't attend the christening of his niece. He had been present for the birth but was a family pariah for missing this event. What he wasn't able to tell them, was it was because I was in hospital having a miscarriage (Good Catholic boys don't do things like that etc etc). My OH was devastated and couldn't face seeing his baby niece.
They have since found out about this but at the time didn't know. Now his brother is in his thirties (there's a 12 year age gap) and is still behaving like a spoilt child having his favourite toy taken away. He is a doctor- a consultant! and so is his wife.
My OH is not allowed to visit. His brother doesn't communicate with him at all- he hasn't seen his niece since she was born.
OH sends presents and cards every birthday and holiday, never gets any acknowledgement, they don't even let him know if they got them safely.
It really upsets my OH, and I hate seeing him get upset every time.
At christmas, we got toys and clothes for gifts and sent them, with no acknowledgement (big surprise!!). We then went to Christmas dinner at his aunt's house- and got asked if we liked our card. When I asked what card- it turned out everybody and his dog had been sent a card made from a picture drawn by his nephew. But of course none for OH.
He understandably got very upset. His mum then said, 'they're as bad as each other'.
At this point I blew a fuse.
I said 'yes, they're terrible. OH makes ALL the effort, gets NO response from a man who it is frightening to think is in a position of responsibility- he's a doctor, he's in his 30's, he has kids- apart from the fact as a doctor he and his missus should understand the devastation, he should have at least grown up by now and stopped pouting like a 2 year old!!
Just because he became a doctor and is therefore the golden b**** of the family doesn't mean he can treat everyone else like sh*t.'
(So the family laundry was well and truly aired!!)
We recently sent a birthday present and it was returned- I think his mum may have repeated what I said.

I'm just not sure what to do. His brother is a complete a**hole but he's still family and my OH gets so upset every time. Does anyone have any suggestions of how to handle this situation (slightly better than I did at Christmas?)

 

[Rock-Angel]

Theres a couple things you could prob do, either write them a letter, explaining how you feel and what you would like, and how hurt you are at his rejection, then leave them to make the first move, if they dont get in touch after a couple months, contact them and ask if they recieved your letter!
the other thing to do is totally ignore them they sound immature selfish and not worth knowing if yoiu want my honest opinion, its their loss, yes I nkow you dont get to see the neice and nephew, but if your bil wants to deny their children to people that clearly love them, then they are horriable people, who knows if you stop, your BIL may suddenly get in touch?

Whatever you decide to do good luck, keep us updated

 

[Sandi4Paul]

I would prob stop sending stuff, when you do that you give them the power to reject you and keeep up the silly games. Possibly by stopping you take back some control/ pride/ self respect. Once they realise you have done that they may be more than willing to come running so that they can get back the power.

Unfortuantly it could aslo blow up in your face and then they may start whinging that you never make an effort.

Of the two it sounds like they are childish enough for it to be the latter!

Sandi

 

[Ocean Star]

This sounds like a nasty situation for your OH to be in and for you to have to deal with as well. It's hard but what is very important to remember that no matter how hard you and your OH try you may never reach what you would think of as a satisfactory outcome ie the brother and wife understanding the situation that your OH found himself in and the actions that he took because of it. What you and your OH went through - the miscarriage - was horrible and of course in your minds that totally justifies why your OH stayed away from the christening. I think it would in most people's eyes. But for whatever reason the brother and wife seem not to be able to understand your point of view. I think that once you have explaned where you are comming from - which you have - then it is entirely up to them if this is a satisfactory explanation for them. I'm not saying that I think they are justified in their response but they seem to be able to justify it to themselves and that is all that they care about.

In the end they are only depriving their own children of the amasing relationships that they could have with you and your family but that is their choice. Take the power back. Don't grovel. If they make that choice there is nothing you or your OH can do to change it. You have been through a horrible time and now they are making you appologise for that??? That seems very unfair to me. You guys are a family in your own right, take pride in that and let small minded poisenous people live their own small minded and poisenous lives by themselves.

 

[Sandi4Paul]

Also forgot to say think very chilish of your mother in law to repeat what you said.

Sandi

 

[JulesK81]

I completely understand your situation, I am actually in a similar one with my eldest brother, whom I used to be so close to. It all started when he married his wife and moved to Wales, leaving his kids here to take on hers. Obviously my family didn't particularly like it, but it was his life, so be it. I sent his wife some smellies and choccies for Christmas and they were returned, completely trampled on. No note, nothing.

I was obviously hurt at how she could do this and my brother actually let her do it! The rest of my family was obviously furious too. This resulted in me not talking to him for a long time. Then my husband came on the scene and we patched things up in the hope my brother would come to our wedding.

He said he would and he agreed to be usher. We even asked his bitch of a wife to do a reading in church to really bury the hatchett. She then told my husband she wouldn't be attending any event with my family there. Four weeks before the wedding, my brother informed me he wouldn't be usher. In fact, he wasn't coming to the wedding at all... because he couldn't afford it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even though we offered to pay petrol and even put him in the hotel for the night.

This was it for me. I have seen him twice in 18 months and not made any real effort. Yet for some reason, he is still golden balls and everyone sticks up for him.

From experience, I can say I am happier when I have no contact with him. Yes it hurts and I miss him dearly, BUT I am so much more miserable when I make the effort with little response. And even more hurt on the rare occasion that I see him, he just lets me down even more and I end up crying my eyes out.

I would try and suggest to your OH about stopping sending the gifts as has already been said. That way he can at least stop any further rejection. Maybe then in time it might be worth putting things down in a letter to try and get your feelings across. It sounds like it'll be met with deaf ears, but then you have tried.

As for your MIL - silly cow! She knows the situation and knows that by opening her trap it would only make the situation even worse. I'd be furious with her. But that gets you nowhere!

All you can do is try and be there to support OH. And if possible, try not to slag his bro off in front of him. I know you are right in your opinion BUT when my hubby says things about my bro, it sometimes cuts a bit of a nerve and I hate it, even though I know he is right.

Sorry for the huge post and for kinda taking it over, just wanted to explain that I know how ya feel and you're not the only one with this rubbish to deal. To top it all off, my brother didn't even respond when I text him to say I had my 12 week scan and all was fine with his new niece/nephew to be. Needless to say I shan't bother with anymore updates!

Keep your chin up xx

 

[elysoun]

Thanks for all the replies. I suppose I knew all of the above, I just needed someone else to confirm I wasn't being over-sensitive.
I actually don't speak to OH about his brother, I don't want to criticise him etc. and end up causing upset. Probably why I felt the need to vent on here!!
I do think it's time just to let him stew- I think he's just jealous of OH anyway
And yeah, MIL drives me crazy at the best of times- she's been pouting since before christmas because I wouldn't 'let' OH repaint her entire house (It was actually that I said OH wasn't doing anything else before he finished the DIY in our house- I'm not living in a building site!!).

It's nice to know OH isn't the only one with temperamental family!!

 

[elysoun]

I just signed in to OH's facebook (he asks me to check several times a day to make sure he gets all the training messages for his American football team and he can't check at work) and there was a message from his brother.

'How's things.
What you doing these days.
Get in touch if you want- its up to you.'

What does everybody think?

 

[Rock-Angel]

I just signed in to OH's facebook (he asks me to check several times a day to make sure he gets all the training messages for his American football team and he can't check at work) and there was a message from his brother.

'How's things.
What you doing these days.
Get in touch if you want- its up to you.'

What does everybody think?

I personally wouldnt reply staright away, he ever jumped when you made an effort so why should you back?? I say tel your OH but let his brother stew!!

 

[Misslarue]

I just signed in to OH's facebook (he asks me to check several times a day to make sure he gets all the training messages for his American football team and he can't check at work) and there was a message from his brother.

'How's things.
What you doing these days.
Get in touch if you want- its up to you.'

What does everybody think?

Naughty lady! I have facebook and you didn't need to 'open' the mail to know it wasn't from his American football team!

Looks like a positive step. Theres no question that you should tell your OH about this email. If I were you I would just leave them to it and see if they cannot sort something out between them. Brothers fall out all the time but at the end of the day they are brothers and no doubt love each other.

Once the situation between them has become more friendly I am sure everyone will find it alot easier to sit down calmy and explain how they feel. I've often found in family fallouts (and we've had a few in our family!) that once the air is clear you can find misunderstandings and hurt on all sides.

I hope you all sort it out

 

[JulesK81]

I agree, tell your OH about this message and let him make his mind up. I certainly wouldn't jump at replying though, he never bothered with your OH. The quicker he leaps in, the more chance there is of getting betrayed yet again. I think the brother needs to earn back trust and respect, BUT that can be done. Of course though, you guys also need to give him the chance to do that (if that is what you want).

So after all that waffling, tell your OH and let him be the judge!

x

 

[nori]

Well i was going to suggest the whole writing a letter thing aswell but it sounds like there has been some progress since your blow up. Oh and i would have let rip aswell so its not just you!

I think you just have to leave it to your OH and his brother to sort out now. Just be there for you OH if it all goes wrong. Families eh? My nan was a nightmare to my mum for years and she stupidly put up with it. I fell out with my nan because of how she treated my mum and didnt see her for years. Shes no longer with but i dont regret tht decision. They say you choose your friends but not your family.

good luck and keep us posted!

Claire