Even writing the title of the topic has made me tearful...
OK, now it's full blown crying! Ah dear, what the hell is wrong with me?!
Right, I've been feeling very down and lonely for about 2 weeks now, and it's getting a lot worse... I really don't know what to do and although I love this forum and it's become my lifeline after Gray left, it's not enough (sorry girls, you've been fantastic) I just keep thinking of all the ladies who have OHs and close families around them and can't help but feel like I've buggered everything up already.
I have so many fears, and I really feel so lonely and I know I am feeling sorry for myself, but I can't get out of this hole I'm in. I keep telling myself that when baby is born, it'll all become worth it, but at the same time I can't help feeling like I've been a failure and can only get worse...
My Dad:
I have tried and tried to build a relationship with my dad, we have never been close, he's openly admitted that he finds it hard to communicate with me and I've found in latter years that the way forward with us is to see each other little and often (maybe for a hour or so once a week/fortnight). He doesn't seem that interested in the baby, even though I know he is happy about it. When I go to see him and try to talk about baby, he'll interrupt me and tell me how well my 13 yr old brother is doing in his football team... I'm not jealous at all because I have nothing to compare it to, it's always been like this and the way our relationship has been in the past, I'm just grateful it was with me and not my brothers because I know they wouldn't cope with it... They're very close and I'm pleased that it's me and not them that has this problem with him.
My Mum:
I think something is up with my mum, I'm not sure if she's going through menapause or something but her character seems to have changed lately and has made a couple of hurtful comments which I'm still waiting on apology for. I had a MW appointment today and just cried on the way home because I knew I had no-one to come home to and get excited about it! Mum had to FORCE herself to ask how it went, after 4 hours!! She came in, no eye contact and said "how'd it go?"
I could come on here and get some lovely messages about how pleased people are that everything is ok, and that is what I love about this forum, I just wish I had someone directly involved that is excited with me.
My Brothers:
They are far too young for me to burden with my problems, and to be honest, I need someone who can sympathise with me... They'll just feel sorry me and I just want them to feel excited about being Uncles, not worried for their sister...
My Best Friend:
I've kind of avoided her lately because she's 32 weeks pregnant and has her own problems, I wouldn't want to burden her and she was great when Gray left. I just don't want people thinking I can't cope - but I can't!!! Plus, I am isolating myself which makes absolutely NO sense due to the nature of this post!!
If I tell my mum how I am feeling, I really do think she would brush it off as a passing emotion/hormones... I need someone to sit and listen to me and cuddle me when I cry, I don't have anyone to do that. Plus, she's angry with me because of the argument the other night and we still haven't spoke. I really don't want to give in - which is extremely childish and immature. She has shut herself in the bedroom. I tried to talk to her last night but my step dad was in her room so I just said "ah don't worry, night" and she never came to check if I was ok or anything...
I've been feeling so low and ill that I went to docs today and have an ear and viral infection (with a temperature) which just adds to the pity party! I'm usually SO upbeat I just feel like I can't "fake" it anymore and have to be honest with myself and you girls so I can try and get round this feeling.
I was counting down the weeks and days til my scan, but since the last couple of weeks, it hasn't really been a big deal and THIS is why I'm talking about it now. Any of you that have read my blog will know how loved this baby is already...
...If I make a mistake with parenting, it all falls on my shoulders, I kind of feel alone already, just me and baby and I can't stand it!!
I'm also SO scared about living on my own. I don't want to get lonely and down when baby's here because I feel it might affect my parenting/attention to the baby. Maybe I am selfish? I'm desperately trying to work out who I am, what my flaws are, my personality traits etc so I can just accept that I have a selfish streak and a moody nature etc so that whenever I feel down, I can just think "well I'm just being selfish, get over it" etc...
Also, last night I asked my mum to write down everything that was wrong with her still born so I could speak to my MW about it, and she simply replied "why are you so concerned all of a sudden?" as if I hadn't given a shit about bubs' health until now!!
...For the past few nights, I have cried myself to sleep. I've cried every night without fail and lots today. I feel as though I've hit a breaking point and there's no return.
HELP!!! xx
OK, now it's full blown crying! Ah dear, what the hell is wrong with me?!
Right, I've been feeling very down and lonely for about 2 weeks now, and it's getting a lot worse... I really don't know what to do and although I love this forum and it's become my lifeline after Gray left, it's not enough (sorry girls, you've been fantastic) I just keep thinking of all the ladies who have OHs and close families around them and can't help but feel like I've buggered everything up already.
I have so many fears, and I really feel so lonely and I know I am feeling sorry for myself, but I can't get out of this hole I'm in. I keep telling myself that when baby is born, it'll all become worth it, but at the same time I can't help feeling like I've been a failure and can only get worse...
My Dad:
I have tried and tried to build a relationship with my dad, we have never been close, he's openly admitted that he finds it hard to communicate with me and I've found in latter years that the way forward with us is to see each other little and often (maybe for a hour or so once a week/fortnight). He doesn't seem that interested in the baby, even though I know he is happy about it. When I go to see him and try to talk about baby, he'll interrupt me and tell me how well my 13 yr old brother is doing in his football team... I'm not jealous at all because I have nothing to compare it to, it's always been like this and the way our relationship has been in the past, I'm just grateful it was with me and not my brothers because I know they wouldn't cope with it... They're very close and I'm pleased that it's me and not them that has this problem with him.
My Mum:
I think something is up with my mum, I'm not sure if she's going through menapause or something but her character seems to have changed lately and has made a couple of hurtful comments which I'm still waiting on apology for. I had a MW appointment today and just cried on the way home because I knew I had no-one to come home to and get excited about it! Mum had to FORCE herself to ask how it went, after 4 hours!! She came in, no eye contact and said "how'd it go?"
I could come on here and get some lovely messages about how pleased people are that everything is ok, and that is what I love about this forum, I just wish I had someone directly involved that is excited with me.
My Brothers:
They are far too young for me to burden with my problems, and to be honest, I need someone who can sympathise with me... They'll just feel sorry me and I just want them to feel excited about being Uncles, not worried for their sister...
My Best Friend:
I've kind of avoided her lately because she's 32 weeks pregnant and has her own problems, I wouldn't want to burden her and she was great when Gray left. I just don't want people thinking I can't cope - but I can't!!! Plus, I am isolating myself which makes absolutely NO sense due to the nature of this post!!
If I tell my mum how I am feeling, I really do think she would brush it off as a passing emotion/hormones... I need someone to sit and listen to me and cuddle me when I cry, I don't have anyone to do that. Plus, she's angry with me because of the argument the other night and we still haven't spoke. I really don't want to give in - which is extremely childish and immature. She has shut herself in the bedroom. I tried to talk to her last night but my step dad was in her room so I just said "ah don't worry, night" and she never came to check if I was ok or anything...
I've been feeling so low and ill that I went to docs today and have an ear and viral infection (with a temperature) which just adds to the pity party! I'm usually SO upbeat I just feel like I can't "fake" it anymore and have to be honest with myself and you girls so I can try and get round this feeling.
I was counting down the weeks and days til my scan, but since the last couple of weeks, it hasn't really been a big deal and THIS is why I'm talking about it now. Any of you that have read my blog will know how loved this baby is already...
...If I make a mistake with parenting, it all falls on my shoulders, I kind of feel alone already, just me and baby and I can't stand it!!
I'm also SO scared about living on my own. I don't want to get lonely and down when baby's here because I feel it might affect my parenting/attention to the baby. Maybe I am selfish? I'm desperately trying to work out who I am, what my flaws are, my personality traits etc so I can just accept that I have a selfish streak and a moody nature etc so that whenever I feel down, I can just think "well I'm just being selfish, get over it" etc...
Also, last night I asked my mum to write down everything that was wrong with her still born so I could speak to my MW about it, and she simply replied "why are you so concerned all of a sudden?" as if I hadn't given a shit about bubs' health until now!!
...For the past few nights, I have cried myself to sleep. I've cried every night without fail and lots today. I feel as though I've hit a breaking point and there's no return.
HELP!!! xx