Life after affair?

[andreaaa]

Can anyone give me any advice on this?

Briefly, my oh cheated on me 6 months ago with a girl from work. It only happened once - I knew this from reading the messages. He had said to her that I wasn't enough for him, and that I wouldn't find out because I don't check up on him! Lots of other things were said but I think I have blocked out some of the messages that I saw.

I confronted him with it and told him to leave but we got back together a few days later as I honestly believed him when he said he regretted it and that it wouldn't happen again.

Since then he has been wonderful and I couldn't ask for more but I am finding it so difficult to forgive him for what he did. I don't think about it all the time like I used to, but when I do I feel so angry and hurt.

I really don't know how I can put it behind me

 

[Nic'n'Keeley]

This happened to me with my ex and i can truthfully say once he had cheated on me once the trust was never there again.

I stayed with him cos i was pregnant then 3months after my daughter was born he left me moved out of mine and into he's girlf's within days.

For me it hurt too much and even seeing him made it worse.i tired to forgive and forget but i couldn't.
But if you really want it to work you have to forget mayb try couple's therapy

I hope it all works out for you

 

[glitzyglamgirl]

awww hun

I notice by your sig your getting married in 5 weeks, so its no surprise your struggling with this. Perhaps your wondering if you should marry someone your not sure you can trust?

My ex cheated on me and I left as soon as I found out, but he had been constantly cheating with different girls every weekend, for 3 years. Maybe I could have forgiven him (just) if it had been the one off, who knows. I have said that if my fiance cheated on me, that would be it, I would leave. But the truth is I love him so much im not sure I could - I would have to give him another chance.

It seems to me that you need to tell him how you are feeling, is there anyway you can postpone the wedding for a while until you are sure you can trust him? It would be awful if this continued to eat away at you after you were married. Perhaps a few sessions with relate would help if he would be willing to go along?

 

[Babylicious]

I hate cheats too He can never be trusted.

 

[Penstraze]

I am coming from other side I am ashamed to say I cheated, its a very long story, I would never excuse what I did but I had my reasons, I didnt sleep with the other guy it wasnt about that it was about company and being listened too and suported in a very bad time, my partner found out and kicked me out (understandably) and I ended up with the other guy but it didnt work out, my partner and I ended up getting back together and it has been very difficult although he understands why I did it and says he doesnt regret it cause it gave him the kick up the bum he needed to see how unhappy he was making me, every row it was brought back up he has had real trouble trusting me (understandably) and it doesnt mater what he does cause it cant be as bad as me cheating so I dont have a right to complain about it..

but with alot of work we are back on track and happier then ever, I have learnt to talk to him about how im feeling and tell him when I dont think hes being there for me or when hes not spending enough time with me and I try to be very open with him so he has no reason to doubt me, if I get a text I tell him who its from if im going out I tell him where, who with and when I'll be home its taken alot of work but if you really want it you can make it work! The main thing is my partner 100% believes that I regret what happened and never want to do anything like that again and that I love him, hes had moments of doubt and cant help questioning me at times or checking up on me thats natural but if you dont 100% know he is ashamed of what happened and doesnt want to make the same mistake again it wont work, you can work on the little issues and wavering of trust but if theres no trust at all it just wont work.

 

[andreaaa]

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences of both sides with me. I really do love him and I honestly believe that he loves me and would never do it again. He regrets what he did and hasn't forgiven himself.

I think I have always been a suspicious person, which is probably how I found out in the first place, although I could tell that something was wrong.

I think my biggest problem is that he still can't tell me WHY he did what he did, I think it would give me closure if I had a reason.

But, he has agreed to go to couples counselling so that must be a good start

Thanks for listening and taking the time to help

 

[Penstraze]

I agree the why is important to move forward and to address whatever issues caused it in first place however painful, couple counsiling sounds like a good step forward the hardest part is admitting theres a problem and deciding if its worth fighting for if you have the want and drive to make it work (which it sounds like you both do) you can make it work it wont happen over night and its probably going to be hard and involve a few tears in the process but you will get there!

Im not sure if its too late to be possible but it may be a good idea to postpone the wedding the presure of entering into something so serious unsure of the relationship can make things harder I found this with my partner I felt like it was make or break time before we brought a house together and we ended up breaking when we did get back together we decided to give it a year before thinking about buying somewhere together we are looking to buy a house together now and are getting married next xmas and I know now with all my heart this is what I want and is the right thing to do!

Good luck

 

[sazzylou]

i HATE HATE HATE cheaters

My ex cheated on me...and too be honest it was a lot more than once I kept forgiving him , but in the end i couldnt take it anymore. Not only did it destroy my trust in him, but it nearly destroyed my what i had when i went on to meet my hubby. When i moved in with him id be constantly going through his things, snooping, in asick way HOPING that id find something....but i never did. I used to go mental if he talked about girls from work, i became quite violent at one point All because of what my ex had put me through.

I know for a fact my hubby has never, and would never cheat on me, and thats the best feeling ever. I feel totally safe with him.


Im so sorry about whats happened to you And all i can say is, if you cant fogive and forget totally, then you need to seriously think about what to do, as it could all come tumbling out in the future like it did with me