John Coming Home

[Jade&Evie]

He still doesn't really know what he wants but he's coming home on Monday evening after he's cleared his head.

I want to make it work. I'm still in love with him but I've lost the spark we had before. I want to take it slow, give it time and come out stronger the other side.

John doesn't know but he says he loes me just not in the sme way as before. He feels a bit trapped and generally isn't happy. He wanted a weekend of space- a break from everything. I'm scared he will have partied all weekend and then come home and think "well this is a shit as I remembered"

HONESTLY Ladies- do you thinking I'm fighting a losing battle? I don't want to give up, I'm lonely without him and I wan to fall back in love with him but sometimes I feel like I'm acting like a real mug.

How do I do it? When he comes home should I just be friendly or should we try and talk? He's not a talker though so us talking= me second guessing him I read that 40% of couples experience this in the first year of a new baby but I never imagined it'd be this hard!

I'm going over my mum's today and then tomorrow i'm just going to treat it like a normal monday- might go and get my nails done. I'm dreadig tomorrow night but at the same time a little bit of me is happy he's coming home and hoping things will improve

 

[purple13]

i can totally understand you wanting to make this work hon. common sense says walk away - he's hurt you too many times. but i also totally understand where you're coming from and this is why i'm replying this way.

when my ex split from me, i was devastated. we'd been together for 5 years i was still desperate to get back together with him. my ex was a bit of a nob when we split too - it came out of the blue and he wasn't kind to me at all. i found out, after a couple of months that he'd been sleeping with a mutual friend of ours - a girl who's shoulder i had cried on anyway, it was at this point that i started playing it really cool with him. i was still madly in love with him, tho i think i was more in love with the person he had been rather than the person he'd turned into. but once i started playing it cool, he suddenly got interested again - i think it was the fact that i wasn't crying over him any more; my confidence was back (i snogged a couple of people and that helped ) and i was looking like the better person cos i was now handling the break up with dignity, whereas he just looked like an idiot. he ended up asking me back out - mission accomplished from my point of view

it didn't work out in the long run, but it did prove to me that showing him that i wasn't bothered (even though i secretly really was ) was a far better way of getting him back, than trying to talk/crying/making myself look pretty/generally trying really hard (and it was obvious that i was doing all of these). being distant put me back in control and made him want me again.

i think that feeling 'too needed' can send some men racing off in the opposite direction - it makes them feel trapped. and i think that indifference can make them want to feel needed.

soooo i think you should play it cool with john if you let him back. get on with your life - treat his behaviour with indifference, don't let him know how hurt you are, let him do the running, don't show him how much this means to you.

who knows, you actually might start believing that you don't care - i did, and that's when i moved on. i'm now married to the most amazing guy ever and its the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

[1sttimemum]

Good luck hunni. i hope things do work out.

If they dont, dont beat yourself up

 

[lfc_sarah]

Good luck babe

 

[Squiglet]

Question is... what was wrong with the relationship in the first place? relationships rarely have a solitary innocent party and a breakdown is usually caused because both parties haven't worked at the relationship (exceptions to this rule are obviously domestic violence)... until you and John identify what was wrong in the first place the relationship will never get back on track no matter how much you love him...

also just to let him come back into the house as if nothing has happened, tends to allow you both to fall back into the way things were.. like putting on an old pair of socks and taking each other for granted, which might have been the problem in the first place.. If you want the relationship to start from the beginning... then start dating him again.. don't jump back into living with each other... You don't meet someone one day and then live with them the next, it doesn't make a very good basis for a good solid loving relationship... Start dating him, just you and him... leave Evie with a friend/family member... or have a day out with Evie.. Enjoy each others company, but at the end of the day he goes to his home you go to yours... then in maybe 6 months think about moving in together

 

[lauramumof2]

I think you need to be strong and tell him he isnt coming home till he knows what he wants.
Its not good for you or Evie to have that type of uncertainty. It will hurt but you need to be strong and take charge or this situation is going to keep going and he will come and go as he pleases, keeping you dangling.

Be strong hun, take control.

 

[Suzie and Faith]

purple13 - that's EXACTLY what I was going to say. My ex left me, turns out he's been playing around with my then best mate and I was devastated but i did not let on! We didn't get back together because I realised what a *****(insert horrible word of your choice) he was.

I hope things work out in a way that means you can be happy, however that may be xxxx

 

[dannii87]

prove me wrong please!! but I dont think its gonna work out sometimes relationships run thier course and there is too much sh*t thats happened in the past to ever move on fresh...and the best thing for everyone no matter how hard is to move on seperatly. I dont believe in staying together for the kids..not saying this is what you are doing but it seems you are lonely and just want the family unit back..its about feeling secure...but a bit of time by yourself might of cured that.

Goodluck ..sorry to put a downer on things you wanted honesty ..and thats just my opinion.. like I say prove me wrong ..hope it works out ..xx

Couldn't have put it better myself!

But I really WANT things to work out for you both so I have my fingers crossed for you xx

 

[fran_23]

I already waffled on a whole load on your other thread-so i'll keep it shirt as possible. i think whats been said about playing it realy cool and not acting too bothered about it is good advice. As he has said he still loves you but is unsure of what he wants then any kind of pressure or feeling trapped is gonna send him running..just be nice act cool don't try and have any deep and meaningfuls chats where you say how much you love him and want to make it work etc...(not yet anyway)
just be cool and Blase...it'll force him to think about what he wants and he'll have the headspace to think properly rather than just thinking oh its too much..or that its just like before he went! Take it slow, show him you can have fun together and get on..and see how it goes! It could turn out good or it could go wrong either way you love him and you are giving it a shot..thats all that matters x

 

[trixipaws]

it sounds so cliched (sorry but cant help it!) but i'd have to say follow your heart. if u truly love him deeply, then do all u can to make it work. only u kno deep down whether u want him that much or not.

I read that 40% of couples experience this in the first year of a new baby but I never imagined it'd be this hard!

i am SO with u on that one! for me didnt kick in til baby was over 6 months but i too was shocked at how much of a strain on our relationship parenthood is!

of course iv only got text on a screen to go off its harder to say without seeing u hearing u and ur body language etc., but from the text on the screen im getting the impression u do love him deeply and that it is worth going for. best of luck hun

 

[fifi211]

Really hope things turn out well for you

 

[Snuggle]

I dont want to be negative but I agree with Midna I too hope you prove us wrong though

 

[mrs_tommo22]

I think Midnas got it spot on Jade, why make yourselves unhappy by mving in together again, and what if he does walk out again? what if he keeps doing this to you and Evie.

I think scrap the moving in together and take it slow again.

Also if the spark is gone........how you guna get it back, me and tommo been together 5 years and still have a spark hun after 2 kids.........get my meaning on this? i think hes not commited enough to you both

 

[EllieBelle]

I have to agree with Midna and the others.......also at the end of the day you havent just got yourself to consider anymore, and you need to do what is right for the both of you!

I personally couldnt let a man back into my life who wasnt 100% committed, its not fair on you or your little girl!

Be strong..........what ever you decide

 

[1sttimemum]

Hows it gone hunni?