Im going to sound so spoilt but.....

[Geminiblue]

OK so my OH comes home at night and will bath my 2 yr old, change nappies, do housework if needed I do most as I am home most of the time. Cook dinner has no problem with any of that. Works long hours...

Heres the BUT...

Hes pretty much devoid of any emotion, my sister and I joke that he is slightly autistic but really we're being serious. He has a really cold practical way of looking at things and NO emotion comes into it ever. Now thats sometimes good as I used to be really highly strung and emotional and its balanced me out a bit but honestly, its really difficult. Ive todl him that I feel really upset lately, scared, worried...and he just laughs it off...there is no passion about him at all unless its for online gaming...I feel like he doesnt love me....he NEVER says the L word. I feel more like we house share...he never says goodnight doesnt hardly cuddle me in the night. Barely gives me a cuddle ever I think I just feel unloved.

sorry feeling really miserable at the moment

 

[Princess81]

Aw Hun and he won't listen to you when you try to tell him this? Men look at life in a more practical way then we do I think, we are the emotionally charged ones xx

 

[dyscochick]

hun, has he changed or do you think you are seeing him differently? That lack of cuddles and physical reassurance must be so hard! sounds like you might need to try and talk to him again. Sounds tough hun, event hough he does all tha tin the house which is fab, you still need that love and comfort xx

 

[Geminiblue]

he's always been the same really so I cant expect any different. When i was told i couldnt have anymore children and that I was in menopause he just couldnt understand why i was upset there was no comforting at all.

Then I found out I was pregnant like a massive miracle less than 1% chance of it happening he was just like oh right. When my child was born he smiled and said wow thats quite cool. He told everyone the birth was fine.....I was in labor 4 days had emergency c section due to foetal distress!!!! I just dont think i register on his radar thatr much. I serve a purpose at the best of times is how i feel x

 

[l_maclean]

If you seriously think he's autistic - could be something like Aspergers - is there a support group near to you that might help.

xxx

 

[Geminiblue]

thank you. Have thought about asking him to go to docs and get checked, his twins the same and so is his dad. He laughs a lot and interacts with people and everyone likes him but on an emotional level there just isnt any empathy. So last night was better I was painting the bed (dont ask ha ha) and he said ok Im going to relax in the bath with a good book....I said "actually before you do that would you mind putting Jude to bed" then he was in the bath and I called him and said I really need help with this and he came. You have to be so direct with instruction otherwise he doesnt get it. Does that make sense? My sister works with children with learning difficulties so she actually thinks there is a level of asbergers...what do you think?

Just needed to clarify, I couldnt have said. Im struggling with this painting and lifting the bed he just wouldnt have answered or would have said "oh be careful" but asked directly he understands and doesnt have a problem with helping

 

[BevG]

OK so my OH comes home at night and will bath my 2 yr old, change nappies, do housework if needed I do most as I am home most of the time. Cook dinner has no problem with any of that. Works long hours...

Heres the BUT...

Hes pretty much devoid of any emotion, my sister and I joke that he is slightly autistic but really we're being serious. He has a really cold practical way of looking at things and NO emotion comes into it ever. Now thats sometimes good as I used to be really highly strung and emotional and its balanced me out a bit but honestly, its really difficult. Ive todl him that I feel really upset lately, scared, worried...and he just laughs it off...there is no passion about him at all unless its for online gaming...I feel like he doesnt love me....he NEVER says the L word. I feel more like we house share...he never says goodnight doesnt hardly cuddle me in the night. Barely gives me a cuddle ever I think I just feel unloved.

sorry feeling really miserable at the moment

OMg lol this sounds like me. my OH does most of the cuddling and stuff. i say goodnight and tell him i love him but its always more of a you know i love you kinda thing. and hes the lucky one, i have a massive problem with showing any emotion other than sadness or anger, i cannot bear to be touched by anyone other than him. i actually have a problem being hugged by family members, even my mum.
my boss thinks i have aspergers syndrome because of this and other things. my logical approach to everything, calm and cool in almost any situation. i remeber lots and lots of information if it interests me, dictionary like list of song lyrics in my brain. obsessive need to be early to any appointment/shift/meeting.
the psychiatrist disagreed as i can look ppl in the eye (tbf i tend to stare ppl in the eye mostly). i never expect anything from other ppl, most of the time i dont understand why other ppl feel the way they do unless i can rationalise it. i have emotions, just keep them to myself as i feel very silly/awkward trying to express them and just laugh most things off.
im sure your OH loves you otherwise he would not have stayed with you, thats not logical lol. he might not understand that you need him to show it, or even how you want him to show it. its like a foreign concept that other ppl need hugs and affection to me. ive adapted to realise that when im seeing someone i need to touch them and give them affection and tell them i love them etc as its the way its supposed to be as shown by tv, books and other ppl.
unfortunately as i girl im more able to adapt and to find ways to get around it, aspergers and autism are more common in men and men are more likely to be diagnosed than women too. Del Harries has a website that might help explain, he goes round the country teaching courses on aspergers and autism and you can email him from his website, just google his name.
my OH likes the fact that im odd, i do strange things that seem perfectly logical to me, im never late for anything, i dont mind if he goes and plays golf most days of the week when hes off work or on every day he does have off from work, i never ask him to do anything really. im lucky he does stuff round the house without me asking lol. i sit and play games or surf the net or go on here for hours, most days and he dosent mind, he plays on the ps3 or we swap and i watch tv or read and he plays games online, were in the same room, sat together so i dont see the harm and luckily OH is quite happy with it too.

yes i think your OH may have aspergers. you will always have to be very direct with what you want from him and what you need. no implied meanings or obtuse requests or you wont get any help. as long as your clear on what you want and expect from him he will probably do it. if he dosent understand why you need something then try to explain it logically.

 

[Geminiblue]

oh bev thanks so much. There are only a couple of differences, time keeping....its on his time if that makes sense.... and doesnt get angry but other than that you are very similar. I dont tell him I love him at all as I feel it makes him feel uncomfortable, have adapted but think hes adapted too. So I said today (we have a free standing victorian bath type thing up near the bathroom wall) "crap Ive dropped the sponge down the back of the bath that Im using for cleaning, I cant reach coz of my belly can you get it for me please"........"Yes" he says.....waiting....waiting.....waiting...."er can you get it for me please Im still cleaning"..."oh yes er did you want it now then?" I was like WTF "no next year will be fine" and he came down confused looking.... ha ha its only a small thing but its all the time. Think I will just have to read up and get used to it as Im really quirky in many ways and he accepts me doesnt he!!!

Thanks so much for telling me Bev its really helped xxx

 

[BevG]

thats ok hun, if you wanna ask anything feel free and i can try to help.

 

[DaisyPurple]

Just want to nudge my way in.here to sat I'm in the process of having my 9 year old tested for Aspergers, he has had his initial assessment with the child psychiatrist and we were on.the waiting list over a year for that, still awaiting results, which we should have before Christmas, life can be very frustrating at times but we are learning to change things, like speaking instructions clearly, not using phrases like its raining cats and dogs, etc,.. good luck with this I hope you and your hubby will be ok xx

 

[l_maclean]

I thought replied to you the other night - but obviously my stupid iphone had other ideas.

Theres a lot of great books out there - some of which are written by people by aspergers.
I once went to a lecture by Ros Blackburn who suffers from Autism - more severe than aspergers and she really gives good insite.

http://www.asdfriendly.org/ - my cousin used this forum when her son was diagnosed.
(ps - sorry if posting another form is breaking rules - but its a diff subject area, and im in no way involved with it)

xxx

 

[BevG]

there was a woman with aspergers who taught herself appropriate social interaction by watching and copying movies.
one of the main things psychiatrists look for in aspergers is avoiding eye contact, and social awkwardness.

 

[DaisyPurple]

It's very interesting finding out more about the whole autism spectrum

 

[Geminiblue]

I find the whole autism spectrum fascinating....my husband doesnt suffer with social situations and is fine with the eye contact (not staring for too long as Bev has suggested). But still think with whats been posted he is somewhere on the spectrum.... thanks so much for advice support and suggestions will look into it.

xxxx

 

[Geminiblue]

DaisyP, good luck with the diagnosis....we think my son is ADD but cant get him diagnosed till older so will just keep and eye and accept him for what he is.... everyone has an opinion on what I should be doing (friends that is) and Ive come to the point that I parent my child they dont and its their opinion not mine xxx

 

[BevG]

lol i thought it was funny that the sole reason the psychiatrist said i dont have aspergers is that i could look him in the eye with no problems. ive always looked ppl in the eye, i got picked on a lot as a kid and to avoid eye contact shows fear so you have to look ppl in the eye..... silly man he was.
good luck on your investigative journey ladies, hope it goes well

 

[DaisyPurple]

Good luck to us all I know.what you mean about other peoples views on parenting, sigh, we have had more than.our fair share of ill informed people putting thier unwanted views across, to be honest it came as a bit of a shock that he may have an ASD it was brought up in year 3. He had always been one of the quietest boys in his year group, was well behaved and achieved well in all his lessons, it took a while for certain.traits to become obvious like taking instructions literally, etc, and difficulties in his friendships he doesn't seem to understand that not everyone wants to play games.his way etc, anyway, he's in the process of getting a diagnosis so hopefully it will be all good and we can.get the coping mechanisims in order for him x

 

[BevG]

that is one of the good things about aspergers, highly intelligent and interested in learning. tho it can be confined to certain subjects. i find it really easy to learn things im interested in but almost impossible to learn things that bore me.

 

[DaisyPurple]

That sounds like josh, he is obsessed with Dr who, he can tell you everything about it, even down to the writers which episodes were written by which writer etc, he loves it, but if its not something that directly takes his interest, then he's just not bothered by it at all,

 

[Squeakz]

im reading a book about aspergers at the moment. Apparently people who have aspergers have an inability to lie. They also like order of things. They dont like tardiness and they like routine. Any deviation from the routine is wrong. they also suffer 'tantrums' when things dont go right (not in a 'terrible twos capacity' etc) but they have terrible meltdowns when things are too much for them and they become very withdrawn. They are not empathetic to anyone. They are hypersensitive to bright lights and loud noises and occasionally need 'sensory breaks' where they can leave a situation that they find distressing and have time to be in a dimly lit room soothing music.

What this book does also say is cutting out caesins and wheat from the diet can help as well!

SOrry your feeling this way. Sending big hugs and sorry for my mini lecture!!
xx