I want him back!!

[LuW]

Oh why, oh why is it I'm only ever on here just after a serious cry. It's like I actually can't say anything to anyone else about this then to you all.

6days and I would have been able to hold my gorgeous little man and hear him cry for his mummy. I've been pretty strong recently but with OH leaving for the last time I just can't stop feeling like I'm slowly being cheated out of things.
I know is not a god given right to have children, but when I see all these bratty girls walking down the street pushing babies a few weeks old infront of them with their phone being held to their ear with their sholder and the precious fag in one hand I feel this overwelling surge of hate.

Then I remember that OH will have the chance to be a daddy long before I will ever get to hold my own child in my arms.

I hate the fact I never got to hold or see my boy, and i hate myself for the fact he still doesn't have a resting place after all this time or anything to call his own. I hate myself so much thinking over it all. I failed as a mummy, I definately fail as a fiance.


Please God, if you're out there, bring both of my boys safely back to my arms. My Billy needs his mummy, I love him so so much and please keep OH safe while he's away. I'm nothing without him. I know I've not really paid much attention to you for some time, but I'll be a good girl if you just do those things for me. I'll even go back to sunday mass. I need them so much.




No need to reply- just writing things down before I really do go insane

 

[laurat]

Hugxxxx

 

[dyscochick]

massive tough times, is your oh coming out soon? Em x

 

[kanga86]

Big hugs xx

 

[EllieC]

oh hun, i so know all those feelings, sending you a massive hugyou need it , and i am hear if you EVER want to msge me. Its good that you have got here to sound off at after a massive cry, I do the same, its therapy! as i said, just shout me. big hugs xx

 

[LuW]

Thanks girlies, I'm actually finding it effecting my effort at work. its like part of my brain has said 'well no one even tried to help Billy, we should we help them.' Stupid selfish brain=[[


Nope, another 18years of this crap. Brilliant =/ Stupid army.


LuXX

 

[dyscochick]

argh forces life is rubbish, all my thought with you for that alone! luckily OH came out of RN last year. Now in civvie street and not doing too bad at it, misses the life a bit thought i think but glad he can make a life here instead.
Hope today goes better xxx

 

[LuW]

Urgh he refuses to come out unless he's forced. I'm really at the stage where I cannot cope without him home, I just go to pot.
Didn't help having a conversation with a lovely old dear today about her great grandaughter having a baby the other week and she's only 14. I just cried when I finished my shift - I know I'm still really young myself and Billy definately wasn't planned but I also know I wasn't having sex at 14! Why does she get her baby? Why not me and my boy? I work a job which means I only have to work a few hours a day(and usually only get a few hours a day anyway) and I can fit my shifts to fit what I need cover wise, and I've my own home (even if I'm forced to stay at my mums until he's back).

Just makes me so so mad. I'm not saying this girl wont be a great mum, just that i really could have provided for my little man and I have this amazing man who would have done anything for Billy. Yet right now we're in an arguement over my thoughts on why this happened and on if we'll ever have our own.

Just really pretty low now 5days to go.

 

[dyscochick]

 

[roxane 1985]

hi hun im ever so sorry for your loss and wish there was something i could say to help you feel better.

have you ever thought about seeing someone professional - and i dont mean it but i thinks your nuts or anything so pls dont take it the wrong way, but from time to time everyone needs a bit of help getting through the tough time life likes to throw at us and these people have been trained to help in situations such as these

ppl in your situation need all the support and help and not because you are weak but because it is a traumatic thing and we need to grieve. nobody other than yourself and ppl who have experienced the same thing as you will ever understand so they may not be as comforting and understanding.

although he will never ever be forgotten, as each day passes the pain will eventually ease and life will be a bit easier but it will take time, ok sweetie

all the best xxxxxxx

 

[LuW]

I have seen someone who claimed to be a professional and infact was the most patronising person I have ever met and just made me feel even worse. She is the mentle health support at my local hospital and Gp's unfortunately and I cannot afford to go privately right now.
And it's not as though I can just put up with her, she actually doesn't listen - just makes her money sitting there. At the end of our session she just said 'I'm sure if you told a teacher they wouldn't put as much pressure on you' I haven't been in school for 2 bloody years! And I never mentioned anything over schools or my brief stint at college.


Was devistated tbh=[ Thanks for the idea though, and if the money because avaliable or she buggers off it is something I keep looking at but while she's there- not happening.

LuX

 

[Geminiblue]

I cant tell you how Ive cried at your post, Im so sorry for you and the pain you are going through. I think the conselling thing is a good idea and I think it could be possible to be suffering with depression which is completely understandable I would, given what youve been through and are going through. Can you please speak with your doctor again and explain exactly what happened, there must be another mental health person for you to speak with in your area not just her and I promise, Ive had counselling before where I havent liked the person (it happens alot friends of mine have the same experience) but have managed to find another that I did like and grew to trust. Take care of yourself poppett xxx

 

[roxane 1985]

I have seen someone who claimed to be a professional and infact was the most patronising person I have ever met and just made me feel even worse. She is the mentle health support at my local hospital and Gp's unfortunately and I cannot afford to go privately right now.
And it's not as though I can just put up with her, she actually doesn't listen - just makes her money sitting there. At the end of our session she just said 'I'm sure if you told a teacher they wouldn't put as much pressure on you' I haven't been in school for 2 bloody years! And I never mentioned anything over schools or my brief stint at college.


Was devistated tbh=[ Thanks for the idea though, and if the money because avaliable or she buggers off it is something I keep looking at but while she's there- not happening.

LuX

oh im so sorry, i would put in a formal complaint about her that is not on, this is a time when ppl just basically be mommy coddling you and wrapping you in cotton wool so you feel safe etc not been spoken to like a 12 yr old who got pregnant at a schooldisco then lost it- what a cow

big hugs sweetie, i cant imagine how you feel loosing a baby at that stage the closest ive been is 6 weeks and 8 weeks when i lost mine, the 8 week one was traumatic enough xxxxxxxxxx

 

[LuW]

I go through stages where I'm coping just fine. Then it hits me again that he isn't here and he should be. I was so so mad at her for that- I mean I know without makeup I'm pretty young looking and being as petite as I am I've even friends who are convinced I'm younger then I say I am. But! She should have been listening to me and even then - She had my date of birth!!

I think my only bet of getting a decent mentle health provider would to be travelling up to lancaster for visits seeing as my dad's at a surgery 15miles from mine (still technically the same district even though another cuts through..=S) and he's seen her. As soon as I said she was a patronising piece of crap he desrcibed her perfectly. She didn't actally bother saying anything to my dad just moved her mouth, Now my Dad's only got limitted hearing and she didn't even listen to the notes that one on one, like in a small room or a car without the radio, he can hear you perfectly and took it that he was completely deaf. =[[


Feeling a little better after my measly 30mins shift(took me longer to get there then I was there=[[) think the fresh, sea air out that way did me some good.


Thank you sososososososo much for all of this girls, I think I would have possibly gone insane over the past few days otherwise!! You're all complete super stars! xxxxxx

 

[roxane 1985]

when ever you have down days just come on here have a huge rant and let it all out, it will make you feel only a tiny bit better but its better to let it all out that feel you have to keep it in.

big hugs and kisses to you xx

 

[LuW]

Cheered me up enough to start looking at things for own new(and first owned) home next year, really not ajusting to living back at home now! And I found a stick of Sarsaparilla in the biscuit tin so been sucking on that which always makes me feel a damn site better, and the sarsaparilla is definately better tasting that my thumb would have been. Thanks Roxanexx



Luxxxx

 

[roxane 1985]

thats ok hun, you take care, and look after yourself xx

 

[JJ Mum]

So sorry hun, no word I can offer would help, but all the ladies are here for you on here X

 

[LuW]

Thanks JJ, really picked myself up atm- thrown myself into work, can't think about it when i'm at work and i'm so exhausted when I get home I have my tea, a glass of vino and go to bed lol! Eating said tea now - that was a drive and half back from my last client and was went to finish at 4 today =[[
lolll oh well- thinking of that beautiful pay slip comming my way loll