i need some space

[pixie17]

My OH and I have been going through a really rough time. Ive been feeling like we are on separate planets for months but ive accepted that he cannot possibly know how i feel etc. He's been wanting to make the most of his social life until the baby arrives but its left me feeling abandoned and that he wants to escape (there has been times in the past when things were ricky and he has admitted he just wanted to escape). Again, i have been biting my lip and letting him get on with it. But it came to a head for me last night and now i want to leave and go back to my parents for a while. We live abroad and I dont have much of a social circle (not had much time to build one up) and despite being in tears to my OH two nights ago explaining how lonely i felt he still went out. First I was upset that by 7pm he hadnt bothered to text me to ask how i was feeling ( I was quite ill yesterday) and nor had he bothered to text me to say he was staying out late (he went out at 3pm), instead i got a text to say what a fantastic time he was having and how he had met lots of new friends! I have never been a bunny boiler and dont begrudge meeting new people but i felt this was really insensitive. Then later in the evening I freaked out because i thought there was someone upstairs in the house, there wasnt, but i had enough by that point and called my OH to explain and ask when he was coming home. "Not for a while, im having some food with my new friends" was the response i got. That was it, I was gutted. Instead of coming home, he sent me a series of texts making out that i was being selfish. He is 43 for goodness sake! Its now become clear how things stand. I am going through the pregnancy and trying to prepare for a family life together but my OH is more insterested in developing his new life independant of my and our baby. I am not his priority. He says all the right things but his actions say the opposite. I dont feel cared for, I dont feel like he wants to be with me and i feel totally alone. All i am getting from him this morning is "i havent done anything worng" and as per usual, its me thats got the issue. Ive had enough. All i want to do is go home to my parents and be cared for there. After that i dont know.... I am gutted.

 

[Lulabell]

Take some time out Hun. It sounds like you need it. it may kick ur oh up the backside too. I really hope so as this does not sound like a happy situation for you. I hope things get better very soon.xx

 

[BabyBrain]

oh sweetheart I am sorry you are going through this. Could you not go home for a few weeks holiday and try to clear your head? He's sending you very mixed signals which is unfair. Not having you to come home to might make him wake up a bit.
You could always tell him to invite some of his friends over for dinner or something, that way you might be able to expand your own social circle too xxxxxxxx

 

[pixie17]

thanks. i am totally gutted, i want us to be close and enjoy it all, but were not and im not. its football drinking buddies (who are in their 20's which i also think is weird for him to hanging around with) and he is not the type to ask people over to dinner... Thanks for the suggestion though. x

 

[pixie17]

i am also scared that he will not think about things when i go, instead he will think its the best thing ever.

 

[AndreaJayne]

Hey Pixie sorry to hear about what you are going through, I am relate as im going through troubles with OH, basically my MIL has been buying lots for me my steriliser, all my toiletries, all my baby grows, bibs, bottles etc whichI am very grateful for but lately I have started feeling a little like im left out of the excitement andtherewill be nothing apart from the pram and bedroom furniture that I have chosen. Anyway she said she has bought a pack of 87 nappies not a clue what make or anything and it sort of pushed me over the edge. So when we got home OH asked what is wrong, and I said that I was upset and that I wanted to buy them and he flipped said I have a problem with his family, ran to his mum and made it out to her like I don't want anything she has bought and that I am not grateful for anything! Told me to move out left me without a car to get to work (public transport would take 2 1/2 hours, 1 bus,1 train, 1 taxi). I went round to tell her exactly what I said as I knew he would twist it, and she said I think your ungrateful and she isn't buying anything anymore and she is done with me and doesn't care what happens between us. He has blown things totally out of proportion, made me feel like I am not allowed to voice my opinion if it is different from anything him and his mum think, and that I now have to grovel to him and his mum to save my relationship. I apologised to her if it had upset her as I didn't think it would as I never personally commented on her it was just how i was feeling at the time. It has taken me 6 years to build up a bond with her as she doesn't have any hobbies or anything so the only time I can make conversation is about OH, the baby, her work or food shopping and I have been round on my own to see her to try and form a bond andI now feel that my OH has totally ruined this. I am scared to speak up about how I feel now....
Pixie, I think its a good idea to go to your parents for a break, as when you don't have him around you will think a lot clearer and you will feel a lot stronger, my OH is 30 and his friends are 20 odd and he is exactly the same as yours. I think you need to take some time out and ask yourself a few things, Is he ever going to change?If not can you accept him for how he is for the rest of your life? Do the goods outweigh the bads?
A lot of my friends who have children have said to me, he will change after I have had the baby but if you are like me you will be worrying until you know whats what and you know everything is ready for baby and you are settled.
I do hope that things get better, keep us updated and we can support you when you need it xxxxxxx

 

[Bee7]

Pixie, i'm so sorry that you're going through this. I think you definitely need to take some time out, go back to your parents and have some comfort and support. Your OH sounds like he's being totally selfish and insensitive to your needs. Maybe he's freaking out a little bit over the baby and this is his way of reclaiming his youth while he still can. But whatever the reason, it's not fair on you to be on your own all the time, abroad, with no friends or family around and him out on the piss with 20-something mates! Maybe if you leave for a couple of weeks it will make him realise what's important. If when you go back he's still acting the same then you may have a very serious decision to make.

Andreajayne, i can't believe your MIL. Everyone is grateful for help but she should know when to take a step back and no be so overpowering. It's your baby, what if you or your family want to buy things? I have a pretty rocky relationship with my MIL. OH often used to go crying to her when we'd had a row and she'd fill his head with all sorts of horrible, untrue stuff about me which he'd then come home and tell me about. I put up with her unfair criticisms of me for ages but one day i just snapped and told her exactly what i thought of her...which was basically that she was a pathetic, bitchy, middle aged woman who had nothing better to do than slate everyone around her. As you can imagine, it didn't go down well. Now i'm pregnant, we're civil but i know we'll never be 'friends' and when baby comes i'll probably get bitched about all the time for not making enough effort with her etc. Couldn't really care less to be honest. If your MIL wants to play silly games then let her. She'll be the one grovelling when YOUR baby arrives xxxx

 

[pixie17]

thanks for you rpost andrea. i really think you have been treated unfairly and you OH owes you one big apology! i would feel the same as you if my MIL started doing that. i cannot believe how he reacted!

i think my OH does want to be a good dad etc but im like you, i cant wait until after the baby is born to see if it happens....its too upsetting and stressful. i am questioning everything now, from what he really thinks of me (cant be much if he behaves this way) to how our LO is going to be affected if things dont work out.....

 

[TORino]

Aw what a tough situation sweetheart.

I think your OH needs a reaction from you which indicates that his behaviour is not acceptable. You would like to think that telling him how you feel would be enough but in this instance it hasn't been by the looks of it. He needs to understand that it is not OK to treat you like this and you won't put up with it. He has a lot to lose here hun, maybe if you did spend some time apart it would help him to realise what he has done and reflect on his actions.

It sounds like he is trying to make you feel guilty about things and you shouldn't hun because you haven't done anything wrong. He is probably doing this to justify his actions and make himself feel better.

I understand it would be tough to teach him this lesson but if he never gets the idea that he is doing something wrong it is unlikely he will change his ways and you will be left suffering time and time again.

xxx

 

[AndreaJayne]

I know deep down that my OH half is excited about the baby and will be a good dad when he is here, but I think sometimes men find it difficult to show their emotions. I just want to be angry for it but I think that they may also be going through emotions as they may be coming to terms with the fact that their life is going to change. I comfort myself by telling myself that when the baby is here he will change and he will then realise how different his life will be, I think the love also that he will have for his child will make him hardly ever want to go out. I know its hard because you probably feel so alone and want him to be there for you, I have just faced the fact I have to deal with all me emotions on my own because no matter how many times I try an explain things to him he doens't get it. You could try talking to him and asking how he is feeling as you see it how it is by his behaviour, but if he has feelings that he doens't know how to deal with he will do what he knows which is to just go out. Its up to you what you decide but you just need to make sure you look after yourself and baby xxxx

 

[TORino]

Hey Pixie sorry to hear about what you are going through, I am relate as im going through troubles with OH, basically my MIL has been buying lots for me my steriliser, all my toiletries, all my baby grows, bibs, bottles etc whichI am very grateful for but lately I have started feeling a little like im left out of the excitement andtherewill be nothing apart from the pram and bedroom furniture that I have chosen. Anyway she said she has bought a pack of 87 nappies not a clue what make or anything and it sort of pushed me over the edge. So when we got home OH asked what is wrong, and I said that I was upset and that I wanted to buy them and he flipped said I have a problem with his family, ran to his mum and made it out to her like I don't want anything she has bought and that I am not grateful for anything! Told me to move out left me without a car to get to work (public transport would take 2 1/2 hours, 1 bus,1 train, 1 taxi). I went round to tell her exactly what I said as I knew he would twist it, and she said I think your ungrateful and she isn't buying anything anymore and she is done with me and doesn't care what happens between us. He has blown things totally out of proportion, made me feel like I am not allowed to voice my opinion if it is different from anything him and his mum think, and that I now have to grovel to him and his mum to save my relationship. I apologised to her if it had upset her as I didn't think it would as I never personally commented on her it was just how i was feeling at the time. It has taken me 6 years to build up a bond with her as she doesn't have any hobbies or anything so the only time I can make conversation is about OH, the baby, her work or food shopping and I have been round on my own to see her to try and form a bond andI now feel that my OH has totally ruined this. I am scared to speak up about how I feel now....
Pixie, I think its a good idea to go to your parents for a break, as when you don't have him around you will think a lot clearer and you will feel a lot stronger, my OH is 30 and his friends are 20 odd and he is exactly the same as yours. I think you need to take some time out and ask yourself a few things, Is he ever going to change?If not can you accept him for how he is for the rest of your life? Do the goods outweigh the bads?
A lot of my friends who have children have said to me, he will change after I have had the baby but if you are like me you will be worrying until you know whats what and you know everything is ready for baby and you are settled.
I do hope that things get better, keep us updated and we can support you when you need it xxxxxxx

You poor lamb. This is awful. I would equally as miffed if my MIL was buying all of the stuff for my baby. It is then her choice not yours and you will feel obliged to use the things as they are a gift. You most definitely should not be going around there to grovel because you haven't done anything wrong! I most certainly wouldn't.

Why would your OH twist what you have said like that? Does he not want you to have a good relationship with his mother?

You need to get back the control here hun. If I found myself in a situation like this I would be ignoring them until they apologised to me! They are bullying you! Be strong sweetheart.

 

[BabyBrain]

I know this sounds a bit harsh but I think you both need to figure out if you can handle two babies in your life at once. My FIL and I don't get on which makes living in his house awkward but as much as OH loves his dad he won't let him say a bad word against me to anyone. My OH may not be the most excited dad in the world yet but he is a good man and wouldn't dream of making me so miserable baby or not.
Once the sadness hormones go the dragon hormones will kick in and you'll both be fighting tooth and nail to be heard and your opinions counted for xxxxxxxxxx

 

[pixie17]

thank you everyone for your support, it really means a lot. its nice to get some reassurance that i am not the one being out of order.


TORino, you are right.

Andrea, have you any friends close by you can talk to about how you are feeling?

 

[pixie17]

I told my husband what my plans were a few hours ago...he was shocked and begged me not to go. We have had a chat, he says he didnt realise the extent to which i felt what i was feeling and said he was ashamed of himself that i felt driven to leave. Hes promised to change things. Time will tell but its given me some hope and i feel better.

Andea, I hope things get better, keep in touch x

 

[TORino]

I'm very pleased to hear this Hun. I hope he stands by what he said and this was the kick up the backside he needed xx

 

[So_hopeful81]

Good, I'm pleased he realised how selfish he was being! Sounds like from now it should be about you for a while! You make sure you take care, and perhaps try to get yourself to your parents at some point for a little rest, and hope that he would like to come with you! xxxx