I just need a non judging ear

[missmoo]

Hello all I'm new and typically just a lurker of sites live these but I'm at the point where I think a site like this might be the only place in the world where I can say what's rattling around in my head without people thinking I'm a little mad.

We've been trying to have a baby for around 8 years, although my OH would say less time. I haven't used any contraception for 10 years but my periods were always all over the place. I don't think my OH got that it was going to be difficult for us and kept delaying seeking help. When we went for our first hospital app he collapsed due to a diabetic Hypo due to the shock of realising that this was going to be very hard for us.

I've got PCOS and endometriosis with some strange hormone issues but actually nothing that should stop meIgetting pregnant and having a baby but I just never fell pregnant. We had loads of tests and tried different medications but nothing really worked. Due to a liver problem I was not referred for IVF. I'd lost loads of weight for it but I just didn't fit all their requirements.

Then 3 years ago I started taking metformin and I got pregnant. It finally felt like my body started to work. I had two scans and saw the heart beat at 9 weeks. I can't explain how that felt to finally be there and to have this happening to us. At 10 weeks and 3 days I had a small bleed and was rescanned. The baby had died probably the day after we had seen the heart beat. I was devastated but optimistic. I had got pregnant. All the doctors told me that this was my body gearing up to work so we tried again thinking the metformin would magically work again.

4 months later I had what I thought was a strange period that didn't stop noticing some similarities to before I took a test and I was again pregnant. The following day I bled so badly that there was no mistake that I was having a miscarriage. Although the mmc was awful I had an ercp so a lot of what was happening bottle be ignored. However this time, for days, I had the grotesque job of removing horrible things from inside me including the sac. I have never felt less of a woman and more of a failure than at that point in my life.

All this a long with a hormone imbalance and a huge load of family issues sent me over the edge and I had some kind of breakdown. It took me some time to find the strength to come back from it but I did and I was so proud of what I had managed. I looked at my life and realised that all my future dreams were not going to happen so I needed to change them. I have up a well said job that I'd spent years training for, although I had lost my love for it, and I started fostering. When my sister told me she was unexpectedly pregnant I was genuinely happy and excited for her. The big hole in my life where my babies were meant to be just didn't seem so big anymore.

Then I got pregnant. I had not use contraception since the miscarriages 3 years ago but we had stopped charting and doing ovulation tests. We were just a couple again and when we wanted to we had sex. When I got my period it wasn't the end of the world. I didn't see pregnant women and new born babies everywhere. I was just enjoying my life. We were pregnant but this time it would be different. I didn't have a stressful job anymore. It was all too perfect like when you read true life stories.

I don't even know how far along I was a the hospital couldn't give me an app for a scan but somewhere between being pregnant 6 weeks to 11 weeks I had another, and my third, miscarriage.

All the work I had done to move on with my life and my body plays the cruelest of jokes on me.

All that neurotic behaviour associated with the desperation of wanting to have a baby is back and I am a mess.

My sister is due around the same time I would have been and now I have to cope with that.

My dad decided that I was being rude because I couldn't bear to speak to anyone two days after it happened and so is no longer talking to me. Not even contacting me on my birthday.

My father in law won't make eye contact with me. It took about a year after my last miscarriage before he realised that it was still me.

I am fostering two children and have lived through this miscarriage whilst still taking care of them. They know I've been unwell but have not asked questions.

Blimey this is long and I'm not sure what the point of it is but I don't have anyone in my life, apart from OH, who gets this. I meant to just pick myself up and keep going when I'm not sure I have the energy left to do it.

 

[RhondaLou]

Hi chic.

First of all I'm so very sorry to hear if your losses. I lost my first in a mmc and the emotional impact was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I have known people who have lost babies and genuinely felt for them but I didn't realise what it meant to a woman until it happened to me. I'm now 5 weeks 4 days pregnant and petrified it will happen again.

Secondly you are not going mad you have been through a traumatic few years and it's happened to you and only you. It's a very lonely experience as I said to my oh when we mc. You can have all the love and support in the world but every woman is different and it never affects anyone else as much as it affects the mother. But you are not a failure you have medical conditions to deal with you didn't ask for them it's just sad that you are one if the many it affects. To my knowledge I am very lucky I'm not affected by pcos or endometriosis so while I can sympathise with you I can't say I know what you are going through.

But I understand the loss of a child and I know what it's like to feel totally alone in that. It does sound like you aren't getting the support you need from your family which must be hard for you. Maybe they don't realise the impact on you and can't grasp what had happened.

It's great that you are fostering. There are so many children out there without a loving family and the fact that you can give your life to them is a beautiful thing.

I don't know if I have given you any comfort Hun I hope I have xx

 

[Elliott]

I'm not sure what to say but didn't want to just go. It sounds like you've had some ridiculously tough times and I can only imagine how you've coped. I've only been trying a year nearly now with one mmc and at times I've felt like things are all too much. There are lots of people here who are available to listen, offer advise, not judge and try to support where possible. X

 

[CARNAT22]

Sorry for your losses. I always hate to read about recurrent losses.

I suffer recurrent miscarriage and I know how scary, cruel and terribly sad multiple losses can be.

I did go on to have a successful pregnancy, then another loss and now I am hoping for another successful pregnancy.

How do you feel about having tests for recurrent miscarriage? To see if there is some issue? You would qualify now you have had 3 losses?

You have done so well to focus on the positive things in your life and you need to get back to that mind-set. Having positives things to focus on always helps.

I had two friends who went on to have healthy children when my first baby would have been due and my SIL had a baby when my 3rd baby would have been due. These baby's didn't serve as sad reminders to me though, they just reinforced to me that life can be beautiful and it will be one day for me.. I never gave up on having my forever baby.

Remember that out of darkness comes light.

As for your Dad, you need to focus on yourself and if he has decided to not speak to you then he needs to realise his error and come to you with an apology.

X

 

[laurat]

Sorry to read that you have had to go through such a terrible time. I think you are a strong person for keeping going and fostering too. You are not crazy or sefish to have your feelings. I know the pain and distress of ttc for years and then finally getting pregnant and it being cruely snatched away from you. I think the girls aboves advice is great and I would echo what they have said. I just wanted to give you a hug of support! Xxx

 

[Cosmogirl7]

Mismoo im so sorry for the tough time you've gone through. As someone who has also gone through 3 miscarriages I can empathise with you and fully appreciate what you mean when you say you feel like you've failed as woman as I've been at low points over the past year when that's exactly how I've felt. Your strength is remarkable in that you're doing something so amazing by fostering and caring for children that have no where else to go, that just shows what an exceptional mother you are even if it's not in the conventional sense. As someone above said if you decide you want to continue on the ttc journey you should try seek advice on recurrent miscarriage, that's what I've done and now 7 weeks pregnant again, fingers crossed for a more positive outcome this time. Good luck on your journey, you're not alone and there's always someone on this forum to talk to. Good luck xxx