Rubys mummy
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Right, I am sorry if I am rambling on but I feel like I need to write this down and I hope it makes sense.....
I was broody and wanted kiddies from a very early age, I never met the right man and my ex husband and I split when after 8 years he decided he really didnt want the responsibiltyof children. Luckily my OH wanted a child as much as me and we were delighted when after 2 years of trying we fell PG with Ruby. I always thought I was "Mother Earth" , a natural mummy but I now think that was with other peoples kids, and not my own.........
The first 2 months have been awful. I felt totally and utterly panic struck-what had I done, I didnt feel like I bonded with Ruby at all. For the first 6 weeks, she felt like smeone elses baby-not mine. I had anxiety attacks when she cried, and I dreaded each day, counting the hours till her bedtime-luckily she was in a routine from first few weeks and goes down at around 7pm in her nursery. I loved her dearly but didnt feel an overwhelming bond or love with her...
I must say the last week or so I have turned a corner..I am on anti depressants to help cope with the anxiety attacks now and they are helping lots...and I have fallen head over heels in love with my little girl..I am so proud of her, and she brings me so much joy that I could cry when I look at her.
I feel a fraud that the first 2 months I was going through the motions, being the "proud mummy" when I was numb inside and frightened. I didnt even feel I could talk on here about it when there are so many mummies who so natural and loving, and so many girls who want a baby so much I didnt want to be judged for feeling so cold towards my child.
I am crying writing this now, just writing it down has helped me a lot and I hope no one thinks I am a horrid cow for feeling this way.
My gorgeous darling is in her bouncer here now smiling at me and I just want to kiss her and cuddle her all day long!! My heart is bursting with love for her, how did I ever doubt my ability to love her, or my role as a mummy.
Sorry for long post, thanks for listening xxxx
I was broody and wanted kiddies from a very early age, I never met the right man and my ex husband and I split when after 8 years he decided he really didnt want the responsibiltyof children. Luckily my OH wanted a child as much as me and we were delighted when after 2 years of trying we fell PG with Ruby. I always thought I was "Mother Earth" , a natural mummy but I now think that was with other peoples kids, and not my own.........
The first 2 months have been awful. I felt totally and utterly panic struck-what had I done, I didnt feel like I bonded with Ruby at all. For the first 6 weeks, she felt like smeone elses baby-not mine. I had anxiety attacks when she cried, and I dreaded each day, counting the hours till her bedtime-luckily she was in a routine from first few weeks and goes down at around 7pm in her nursery. I loved her dearly but didnt feel an overwhelming bond or love with her...
I must say the last week or so I have turned a corner..I am on anti depressants to help cope with the anxiety attacks now and they are helping lots...and I have fallen head over heels in love with my little girl..I am so proud of her, and she brings me so much joy that I could cry when I look at her.
I feel a fraud that the first 2 months I was going through the motions, being the "proud mummy" when I was numb inside and frightened. I didnt even feel I could talk on here about it when there are so many mummies who so natural and loving, and so many girls who want a baby so much I didnt want to be judged for feeling so cold towards my child.
I am crying writing this now, just writing it down has helped me a lot and I hope no one thinks I am a horrid cow for feeling this way.
My gorgeous darling is in her bouncer here now smiling at me and I just want to kiss her and cuddle her all day long!! My heart is bursting with love for her, how did I ever doubt my ability to love her, or my role as a mummy.
Sorry for long post, thanks for listening xxxx