I have to get this off my chest....(long post, sorry)

Rubys mummy

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Right, I am sorry if I am rambling on but I feel like I need to write this down and I hope it makes sense..... :oops:

I was broody and wanted kiddies from a very early age, I never met the right man and my ex husband and I split when after 8 years he decided he really didnt want the responsibiltyof children. Luckily my OH wanted a child as much as me and we were delighted when after 2 years of trying we fell PG with Ruby. I always thought I was "Mother Earth" , a natural mummy but I now think that was with other peoples kids, and not my own.........

The first 2 months have been awful. I felt totally and utterly panic struck-what had I done, I didnt feel like I bonded with Ruby at all. For the first 6 weeks, she felt like smeone elses baby-not mine. I had anxiety attacks when she cried, and I dreaded each day, counting the hours till her bedtime-luckily she was in a routine from first few weeks and goes down at around 7pm in her nursery. I loved her dearly but didnt feel an overwhelming bond or love with her...

I must say the last week or so I have turned a corner..I am on anti depressants to help cope with the anxiety attacks now and they are helping lots...and I have fallen head over heels in love with my little girl..I am so proud of her, and she brings me so much joy that I could cry when I look at her.

I feel a fraud that the first 2 months I was going through the motions, being the "proud mummy" when I was numb inside and frightened. I didnt even feel I could talk on here about it when there are so many mummies who so natural and loving, and so many girls who want a baby so much :cry: I didnt want to be judged for feeling so cold towards my child.

I am crying writing this now, just writing it down has helped me a lot and I hope no one thinks I am a horrid cow for feeling this way.

My gorgeous darling is in her bouncer here now smiling at me and I just want to kiss her and cuddle her all day long!! My heart is bursting with love for her, how did I ever doubt my ability to love her, or my role as a mummy.

Sorry for long post, thanks for listening xxxx
 
Awww Zoe......just wanted to say :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

You have a gorgeous girl, and you have looked after well even when you have felt down, you are a wonderful mommy as your love may not have been brimming but it must have been there unconditionally for you to have turned this corner :hug: :hug:
 
i admire your courage for coming onto this forum and explaining your emotions, a lot of women suffer from PND without knowing about it, the fact you have came on and explained your deepest emotions i admire you for that.
the simple fact is not everyone has this rush of love when their baby is born, some it does take months to feel that way, im just really glad your enjoying your baby now

:hug:
 
aaaarw zoe, im sorry u felt like that in the begining but like u say, u have turned a corner and ur little Rubes has an attentive and loving mother now which is all that matters!
hugs for u :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
 
Zoe your a great mum everyone can see that!

Becoming a mum can be a shock to the system and it doesn't help with all these hormones running around all over the place!

When Olivia was born i bonded with her straight away, but it did bring back memories from when i had Brooke! I couldn't remember feeling for brooke what i felt for Olivia when she was born! I used to sit feeding Olivia or cuddling her and i used to think to myself "i dont remember feeling like this with Brooke when she was little"or "I dont remember brooke doing this at this age"!

I didnt have that sudden rush of love and effection for Brooke like i did Olivia, and like you , the first few weeks with brooke where a daze! I didn't know how to talk away to her like i did Olivia, so i often used to sit there in silence watching her while she was feeding! I used to feel silly talking to her as she couldn't understand me! She didn't feel like my baby i felt like i was babysitting her!

I didn't realise this at the time it was only when i had Olivia that i did!

Once i got over the first few weeks and we started to get into a routine i became more relaxed with her and it all sated coming to me!

I did love her i just didn't konw how to show her my affection as i didn't think she understood, i thought it was down to me being do young (just turned 17) but i think it was just the shock of becoming a new mum!

Hope this maked sense, and im glad you bonding with Ruby better now!

HTH

Kelly
 
In the first month or more I felt very similar, I thought id have some overwhelming love for her and I didnt, was very depressed about it and wasnt to happy with the breastfeeding.

But ive got over all that, I love her dearly and love to see her smile. :D I am so happy to be a mummy :D

:hug:
 
Thanks girls, it means alot to have you all to share my feelings with... :hug:

Just come back from her first injections, I was a mess, I couldnt look and my lip was trembling!!! She was so good bless her and is now crashed out asleep.
 
I felt the exact same Zoe hun, as i was expecting some big sudden rush of love when she was born as well. Don't get me wrong i love her to pieces, but i just felt so out of my depth and with me not having much support around i think i just took the adjustment hard. But, like you, the past few weeks i just have this overwhelming feeling of love towards her and couldn't imagine my life without her now, as hard as i find it sometimes, she's my baby girl and will do anything for her.

It's not just you who feels like this hun, so don't you dare feel bad, you're an excellent mummy and we can all see just how much Ruby means to you :hug: xxxxx
 
can i just say i had goosebumbs reading that! its so obvious you love your little girt to bits! im so glad your feeling much happier now. well done you for having the courage to say all of that to all the other mums on here! hope you carry on having lots of fun with your LO
 
if it helps I felt exactly the same way - I am getting better now and I hope you are too. Thanx for sharing and making girls realise they are not alone...... :hug:
 
I think loads of people feel the same way but are just too frightened to admit it :hug: If it helps I think it is easier with your second child :hug:
 
Zoe hun bless ya i had no idea. It doesnt matter how down your feeling you should know by now ma dear that we are here for you!!! but i can understand hun why it was you kept it to yourself just please promise not to do it again or ill slap your dannies!
I am so thrilled that you have bonded with that beautifull little lady of yours she is a stunner. :hug: sorry you've felt like this babes please dont feel alone again, pm me over anything k?
 
Thank you so much girls for your love and support, :cry: I really feel relieved to let it all out in the open and express my feelings. I thought it was wrong to feel like that-like I wasnt "normal" but I now realise others felt this way too-Lucy Benjeman from Eastenders is in the Love It magazine this week with an article called "I was scared of my daughter"..It made me cry as I was reading it-I could of written those words too and it really helped me to finally admit how I felt-shes a famous woman and she felt like I did..so I realised I had to write it down too, share it with my friends here and if I can help other new mums realise others have been there before, then that will be a big comfort to me.

I dont get on here a lot now, but I love you all, and really treasure your opinions and support. Group hug hug :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: xxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
hello zoe, ive briefly read the other girls posts but i read yours over and over cos thats how i feel about holly now..im ashamed to say it and am glad that someone else feels the same way i do! i love holly to bits but i do not yet feel that rush of love as yet, i love the little things she does and she makes me laugh quite alot but am still waiting for someone to knock on my door demanding their baby. i tried to tell this to my OH but he does not understand. when someone asked me what was the best part of seeing the baby the first time i couldnt remember it..cos i dont think i had one! i had a hard labour and didnt want to stay in hospital so i came home. after that my mother came over for five weeks and did most of my work at home and i felt that the child was my mothers ( mind you ive spent alot of time with holly then). then i felt that baby was interfering in my relationship with joe and now im paranoid that joe does not love the baby enough, that he regrets having us ( hes an angel and he already told me that he loves us too much )and that im too fat. all of a sudden its me and holly at home. i feel strange when people call me hollys mummy and when i received my first mothers day card. i do not know to whom to talk to cos i do not think its PND. if i go to my gp he must think im stupid. also this week i had a bit of a trauma, because i was bleeding really heavily with large blood clots, thought i was dying but after all ended up being a womb infection. i really really wish i could love my baby with that sort of motherly love but i just cant ..i love her and will never ever hurt her and she is always clean, well fed and cuddled. im scared that if i say it to someone they will take my baby away! also i feel am in the pressure of putting my baby in a routine and i feel confused cos i do not know what to do..
 

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