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Long post warning, it is in part a TTC concern but I need to apply some background first.
OH and I have been together for 3 years. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and he has a son. We decided last month to have a third child together and we are so excited!
We were talking about fertility in general and all of the exciting planning, and he tells me that there could have been another potential father for his son (his ex had cheated) but that the odds were a 'million to one' and that 'he is too much like him when he was a child to have any doubt'.
I asked him if he would agree to a DNA paternity test just to put my mind at ease, and he was more than happy to. He did it all himself and I was blessed to have such a wonderful OH. Yesterday, the results came back with a 0% probability of paternity. He is not the father. Every single chromosome differed significantly. I was sobbing, I phoned him and told him the news (he is working away but wanted to know ASAP).
He took it surprisingly well, though he is very confused and doesn't know what to do. It's a huge shock to both of us, but I just feel so sorry for him and his son. The biological father has a right to know, but we don't even know if he'd want to know or if OH's ex would even bother telling him. We don't even know who the father is.
He and his ex didn't use protection for a very long time, so now we don't even know if OH is fertile :'( We've gone from planning our third to potentially only ever having my DD, she is a blessing of course and we love her, but she wants to be a big sister so badly and we want our own baby together to unite us as a family.
We don't know which way is up, emotions are all over the place and honestly I don't even know what to feel. I always had a feeling because they look nothing alike, I just never expected to be right.
I feel so guilty, we agreed it was better to know for sure and know the truth but we have no idea what to do next.
The poor man found out he isn't a father. We only have him one day a week due to his mother's schedule, yet for years she has been grinding my OH down saying he doesn't do enough, he doesn't provide enough, we 'leave him out of all the fun stuff'. How exactly are we supposed to do ANYTHING with him when we get him for 3 hours of the evening before bed on a school night? All this time OH has taken emotional punches and guilt trips that he's not doing enough when the reality is he has done far more than he should ever have had to do.
OH doesn't want anything to change but has admitted it's going to, and I feel so guilty for it, but to me everything has changed. I've been mothering a strangers child, he's been sleeping in my daughter's bed once a week for lord knows how long. I feel cheated, devastated and most of all I feel so sorry for them both. I feel guilty I'm even writing this, I'm just the supporting act in this.
I don't know what to do. I'm sorry to ramble on so much but I can't talk to anyone we know because it's not my place to. It's up to OH when he's decided what to do about it.
I want to be there for him to support him of course whatever he decides, but I don't know how to do that, I don't know what's for the best (for everyone) and I don't know how I 'should' be feeling.
I'm just angry, so so angry for the grief he's had from her and for the terrible hand he has found out he has been dealt this whole time.
I feel so mean for even focusing on TTC now, half of me thinks it's incredibly insensitive and half of me thinks it will help him through it. If he can have kids at all
I'm at a loss.
I just got a message from OH:
'Emotionally and mentally he is my son and I know if I were to loose him it would destroy me, and it's unfair of me to deprive him of the father figure he has always known. I know he wouldn't care about blood anymore than I do.'
I don't know how to deal with this, I don't feel like we can just sweep it under the rug and carry on as though nothing has changed.
I also found out today, that the lady I anonymously donated eggs to had her baby. I'm so happy for them, I just wish I could have found out any other day. I'm an emotional mess.
Please help me to help him.
Thank you
OH and I have been together for 3 years. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and he has a son. We decided last month to have a third child together and we are so excited!
We were talking about fertility in general and all of the exciting planning, and he tells me that there could have been another potential father for his son (his ex had cheated) but that the odds were a 'million to one' and that 'he is too much like him when he was a child to have any doubt'.
I asked him if he would agree to a DNA paternity test just to put my mind at ease, and he was more than happy to. He did it all himself and I was blessed to have such a wonderful OH. Yesterday, the results came back with a 0% probability of paternity. He is not the father. Every single chromosome differed significantly. I was sobbing, I phoned him and told him the news (he is working away but wanted to know ASAP).
He took it surprisingly well, though he is very confused and doesn't know what to do. It's a huge shock to both of us, but I just feel so sorry for him and his son. The biological father has a right to know, but we don't even know if he'd want to know or if OH's ex would even bother telling him. We don't even know who the father is.
He and his ex didn't use protection for a very long time, so now we don't even know if OH is fertile :'( We've gone from planning our third to potentially only ever having my DD, she is a blessing of course and we love her, but she wants to be a big sister so badly and we want our own baby together to unite us as a family.
We don't know which way is up, emotions are all over the place and honestly I don't even know what to feel. I always had a feeling because they look nothing alike, I just never expected to be right.
I feel so guilty, we agreed it was better to know for sure and know the truth but we have no idea what to do next.
The poor man found out he isn't a father. We only have him one day a week due to his mother's schedule, yet for years she has been grinding my OH down saying he doesn't do enough, he doesn't provide enough, we 'leave him out of all the fun stuff'. How exactly are we supposed to do ANYTHING with him when we get him for 3 hours of the evening before bed on a school night? All this time OH has taken emotional punches and guilt trips that he's not doing enough when the reality is he has done far more than he should ever have had to do.
OH doesn't want anything to change but has admitted it's going to, and I feel so guilty for it, but to me everything has changed. I've been mothering a strangers child, he's been sleeping in my daughter's bed once a week for lord knows how long. I feel cheated, devastated and most of all I feel so sorry for them both. I feel guilty I'm even writing this, I'm just the supporting act in this.
I don't know what to do. I'm sorry to ramble on so much but I can't talk to anyone we know because it's not my place to. It's up to OH when he's decided what to do about it.
I want to be there for him to support him of course whatever he decides, but I don't know how to do that, I don't know what's for the best (for everyone) and I don't know how I 'should' be feeling.
I'm just angry, so so angry for the grief he's had from her and for the terrible hand he has found out he has been dealt this whole time.
I feel so mean for even focusing on TTC now, half of me thinks it's incredibly insensitive and half of me thinks it will help him through it. If he can have kids at all
I'm at a loss.
I just got a message from OH:
'Emotionally and mentally he is my son and I know if I were to loose him it would destroy me, and it's unfair of me to deprive him of the father figure he has always known. I know he wouldn't care about blood anymore than I do.'
I don't know how to deal with this, I don't feel like we can just sweep it under the rug and carry on as though nothing has changed.
I also found out today, that the lady I anonymously donated eggs to had her baby. I'm so happy for them, I just wish I could have found out any other day. I'm an emotional mess.
Please help me to help him.
Thank you
x
