I have an admission...

Discussion in 'Breastfeeding' started by tambo1976, Jun 23, 2013.

  1. tambo1976

    tambo1976 Well-Known Member

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    I am no longer breastfeeding :cry: I honestly can't say or type that sentence without welling up because I am gutted. I'll explain why I quit...

    The last time I posted in this section it was to give an update of how well things were going, sadly that only lasted a day or 2 and once again I had a baby who just screamed and howled every time I attempted to feed him. Every single feed was just horrendous and frustrating, he just really seemed to hate the boob. He got so worked up tears would drip down his cheeks and we both just sat their crying for ages. It was a terrible and traumatic experience for both of us.

    So I decided to pump for him but wow I hated it, I was angry, upset and resentful. I was sat there attached to that damn pump in the back room, isolated and bored every couple of hours while my OH got the pleasure of feeding Scott 90% of the time. It never helped that that particular week the kids were of school so we had Paul's children down to stay. How bloody anti-social is pumping eh? So I then decided I would get Scott to 6 weeks and call it a day, which I did.

    I then made the daft decision to just go cold turkey and stop pumping, BIG MISTAKE! agony, indescribable agony that I just can't put into words. Cut a long paragraph short DO NOT JUST STOP! wean your self off producing for your own sanity and well-being!

    Scott has now been on cow and gate comfort milk for just over a week and he is a different baby and I am a different Mommy. I get to enjoy feeding him, I spend so much more time with him and he just hardly ever gets upset. He is so much more contented which has the wonderful knock on effect of me also being happy that he is not upset anymore.

    I'm not going to lie though I am genuinely gutted that breastfeeding didn't work out for us. I tried so hard for those 6 weeks to make it work. Those few times that he latched were wonderful and I managed to even get some video footage of him breastfeeding. I can't actually bring myself to watch it yet because I know it will upset me. I do however feel like a failure. Not a feed goes by that I don't feel a pang of guilt for not carrying on and I'm sure that feeling will never leave me.

    I am also still quite angry, that sounds stupid eh? But I am. Why didn't it work out? Why wouldn't he latch? He didn't have tongue tie. Infact when he did manage to latch he did it beautifully. I produced plenty of milk for him so that wasn't an issue. He just hated it for some reason. It was like he had a fear and his cries of distress were just awful. 6 weeks of his hatred of BF just wore me down so much, even annoyed me because their was no medical reason that he shouldn't of been able. Not only am I angry, I'm jealous! Jealous of all the moms who have the pleasure and pride of BF. I wanted to be part of the BF world so badly :(

    I was out shopping the other day and behind me at the checkout was the BF coordinator and she asked me how we were getting on and you know what I did? I lied and told her we were doing fine. I couldn't tell her I had quit because I know I would have just burst out crying, like I am right now. This is the first time I have admitted that I am no longer BF to anyone other than my partner and my children and it really hurts.

    Looking back, would I do it again? Hell yeah! Those moments when he latched, especially in the bath, were beautiful and I will treasure the memories forever. He also got 6 weeks of my milk, which I am proud of. It's been an experience that's for sure!

    I haven't taken the pump I hired back yet because I'm not ready to admit to the HV that I've given up, some days I even consider trying again because I am still producing milk!

    All said and done though I do think I've made the best choice. Scott is much happier and that is the main thing. He is gaining weight well and is so contented and a huge bonus is that he gets to spend so much more time in my cuddles.

    Thanks for the help you all offered over the last couple of months. I doubt I would have got to 6 weeks without it xxx

    tapatalkin
     
  2. CARNAT22

    CARNAT22 Well-Known Member

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    I am sorry things didn't work out hun.

    I had a very similar experience [I was pumping from day 3 though] and from about 6-7 weeks we went to combi feeding. By nearly 9 weeks James was totally FF.

    I felt guilty about all I had "taken" away from James in terms of medical benefits but I felt so much better the moment I stopped expressing.

    I'll never forget being exhausted, having an hours (or 2 at the most) sleep and then OH waking me up to say bub was stirring so I needed to pump...

    I managed to start getting ahead with my supply, but all it took was growth spurt and I was back to being just a few feeds ahead.

    I'd never express again - well of course I would - but I am hoping next time I can BF. I'll do all the classes I can, take online tutorials and find myself a nice BF'ing support person (I hated the one that came round!!)

    You did amazingly hun, and it just goes to prove how much a happy mummy = happy baby hey??? The day I went to combi feeding my whole take on motherhood changed. I'd actually hated it up until then

    xxxxxx
     
  3. AmyQ

    AmyQ Well-Known Member

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    All that matters is that you and baby are happy. And 6 weeks is pretty good going considering. Be proud that you made it that long xxx
     
  4. tweetyfoo

    tweetyfoo Well-Known Member

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    Well done on reaching 6 weeks! :pompom:

    With all the issues that you've had it's a brilliant achievement!

    I understand a lot of you feelings too - I still get angry/upset/jealous that Aaron wouldn't/couldn't latch.

    When I see a woman bfing I feel like crying and punching her in the face at the same time :lol:

    Try not to focus on the negative and think about the good that you achieved x


    Tapatalking!
     
  5. BevG

    BevG Well-Known Member

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    6 hours or days or weeks is amazing and gives them that immune boost. well done you hun dont be ashamed or down just enjoy your baba :) whats important is that you tried and thats all anyone should ask of themselves there is no success or failure its just about having a go and thats what matters as even 1 feed benefits baby
     
  6. Nicnax

    Nicnax Well-Known Member

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    6 weeks is great- you gave little one the nest possible start, so you should be really proud. That's no small achievement, and you really put the effort in, so well done. You and baby are happy and healthy, and that is all that matters. Relax and enjoy him. :)
     
  7. Kate1985

    Kate1985 Well-Known Member

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    Hun you did amazingly you wanted it so badly and you did what you could but I very much agree that if you or Scott arnt happy then what's the point? It's not worth the upset and he will only be a baby once you need to enjoy him. I totally understand your feelings. Harry never latched and I had to use shields the whole time thru out bfing journey and I was so jealous of anyone feeding normally and enjoying it...it was always a stress for me out and about. Remember you are an amazing mummy. Well done x x x x
     
  8. Pudds86

    Pudds86 Well-Known Member

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    I can relate with you 100%!!!! I jade exactly the same feelings and even now.... 6 weeks after stopping i get these awful guilty feelings. I thought just today "why didnt i try latching her on one more time?!". However shes thriving and is as happy as Larry. That gets me through. Xx

    Tapatalking :-D Can't see tickers...
     
  9. Babybushie28

    Babybushie28 Well-Known Member

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    Oh hun, you have done your best and you tried so hard so try not to be down on yourself! Your determination inspired me and you did so well to plough on thru when you were in so much distress.

    The most important thing is that you are both happy and Scott is growing well, you've given him a great start hunny.

    Xxxxxxxxxx
     
  10. tambo1976

    tambo1976 Well-Known Member

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    Thanks so much, your all so lovely as usual. I wish I felt a bit better about giving up by now but tbh I'm still feeling down about it :( Scott's my last baby so I know I'll never get chance again to attempt BF :cry:

    I took the pump back today but just left it at the front desk. The receptionist asked if I wanted to take it through to Tania (the BF coordinator) myself but I just made the excuse I was in a hurry because I could feel myself welling up.

    Thanks again everyone xxx

    tapatalkin
     
  11. Vickyxx

    Vickyxx Well-Known Member

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    I think you have done amazing hun alot of people would have given up at the first hurdle. I found this online.


    By now you will have eased your baby through the most critical part of his infancy. Newborns who are not breastfed are much more likely to get sick or be hospitalized, and have many more digestive problems than breastfed babies. Also breastfeeding for 6 weeks means that your child now has less risk of chest infections up to 7 years old*
     
  12. mrswoody

    mrswoody Well-Known Member

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    Well done for keeping going and trying for as long as you did, 6 weeks is great!! BFing really is hard work and worse when you have obstacles thrown in your way.

    The feelings you have I would say are totally normal and in time you will soon feel better about it all. :)


    xx
     
  13. Karate Kid

    Karate Kid Well-Known Member

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    LO has had the best start he can possibly have so you should be proud that you persevered. Expressing is a bugger at times and I am still slightly put off by it!! Xx


     
  14. hellywelly

    hellywelly Well-Known Member

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    I am a bit late to this post but can I say thank you, thank you, thank you for writing it. You have managed to put into words what I have failed to do for 15 months. I felt EXACTLY the same. I felt angry that I was willing to fulfil my part of the bargain but my baby wouldn't do her bit. I only managed to express for 3 weeks and then my supply seemed to disappear literally overnight. I went to visit my best friend and her 4 week old today and cried on the car journey down the motorway coming home as she has been breastfeeding really successfully - and her baby even has a tongue tie!! It's been 15 months - why the hell am I crying about it after all this time??!! I wasn't even planning on breastfeeding past 9 months when I went back to work! I think I may have some unresolved issues about it all, but your post was exactly what I would have written if I could have gotten it all straight in my head. xxx
     
  15. tambo1976

    tambo1976 Well-Known Member

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    Awww hun reading your post actually brought tears to my eyes. It is one of those things that you have to go through to understand. So many emotions to deal with on top of the raging hormones we get after giving birth. Wish I could say something to make you feel better :hug:

    I actually wrote another post last night about my son latching last night in the bath, I just can't tell you how shocked I was! 3 weeks after giving up he decides to do it and amazingly I still have a decent amount of milk (I had a squeeze and the milk flowed out after he had fed!) He has latched today about 6 times and has only drank half the formula he normally would so it appears he is getting a good amount of milk. It's early days but I'm crossing my fingers and taking each day as it comes xxx

    tapatalkin
     
  16. hellywelly

    hellywelly Well-Known Member

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    Fantastic news!!! I really hope that he keeps going or that you find a balance that you are happy with. And thanks for the hug - just acknowledging my post made me feel better, and it helped me to write it down. xxx
     

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