I don't understand....

[klee1988]

why he had to be taken away from me....

I have been having a hard time lately. I seem to be getting worse instead of better. People are always stopping me to say how brave and together I am, but to be honest, I am just not coping at all.

I am never happy anymore...I'm just existing. I just live to live, I don't enjoy life anymore. I could cry all day if I wanted to. I'm constantly tired as I cry so much it wears me out.

I don't laugh from my heart anymore...I haven't really laughed in ages. I just get on with life, wake up, go to bed, wake up.....
I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I am sooo angry I couldn't keep my baby...why did this have to happen...it has ruined my life. I was such a happy person...now I have to put up a front just so people think I'm ok, if i didn't I would break down.

I don't want to replace Jayden, but as most of you will understand...I feel empty....I need another baby. I want to have a baby to love and to hold. It is all I have ever wanted out of life since I was a child. I know Jayden is up there happy but I want a baby I can look after and not one that looks after me.
I feel my heart is broken....I don't know how I will get over this.

People said it would get easier but its just getting harder. I'm due to go on holiday this Friday but I am not even excited. I am just praying the break does me good.

I'm sorry, I just needed to get this out as everything is just building up and up.

 

[mum2A&L]

aww sweet heart. I don't really have any words that could help but i have loads of hugs

we are all here for you sweety!

 

[Tracey S]

oh hun,

I can relate to everything you are saying, I was there myself just 8 months ago. I too felt like I was just existing, I felt like all there was in front of me was endless nothingness I just couldnt see a way back.

The putting up a front is so difficult because once people see you sort of getting on with things they assume you are ok, and plus I didnt want people to feel uncomfortable with my grief so I just hid it, but it has backfired on me, everyone thinks I am fine and now no one asks after me they just think I am 'over it' It has caused me a lot of hurt especially from my own brothers and their wives, it seems Heidi has just been airbrushed out of the family, and that is the one thing that I didnt want.

But believe me when I say that things WILL get better, you wont really notice it at first, but one day you will find yourself laughing and not feeling guilty, and then another you will realise that part of your old self is coming back, you will never be the same person you where before you lost Jayden, but you will find the strength to live again. I tell people that I will never be the old Tracey because part of me went with Heidi, but I can laugh and am starting to enjoy life again.

I was consumed with an ache to hold a baby, it was all I wanted, like you say, not to to replace the baby I lost, but something to fill those empty arms.

A loss late in pregnancy is so devastating, and i think only people who have lived through it can really truly understand. Have you considered SANDS? they are wonderful, the ladies at my group have been so supportive, they have been there for me every step of the way, or if you dont want to go to a group there is the sands website the web address for is www.sandsforum.org You can talk to other Mums who have been through the same experience.

If you want to talk please send me a pm

I wish you gentle days ahead

Tracey xx

 

[tracey 2]

hi hun

well from another tracey i can also understand how your feeling and i think tracey s said it all really and i still have really dark days as well and sometimes i cant do anything, its like my body is just automatic and i just have to get on with things and give a fake smile to just get through each day.

i would also say contact sands they have also been a huge support for me i dont post a lot on there but just reading sometimes helps.

please look after yourself and we are all here for you ever step of the way, also please PM me anytime you need to talk or anything

i am thinking of you lots hun and want to send lots of hugs

 

[Petra]

I am so sorry Klee I haven't experience late loss and can not even begin to imagine what it feels like. I didn't want to read and run. I can only offer those

 

[samandbump]

i dont know what to say really but klee i feel so sad for you, reading that brought tears to my eyes, you are so brave for carrying on with life!! you are an inspiration