Everything is just getting on top of me again

[klee1988]

There is no need to reply I just need to let this all out.

Jayden had two due dates 19th and 22nd of April, now they are both over I don't know how to feel. I have been trying to keep myself busy by focusing on getting a BFP this month. I thought I had one yesterday on an ebay cheapie but did a tesco test this morning and BFN.
I know I shouldn't have focused all my energy on a BFP because now I feel even worse. I feel as if I am not allowed a baby, like I have done something wrong not to deserve one. I hate seeing mothers around who don't even want to look after their baby, put them into homes etc. Why are they allowed to have babies and mine has to go to Heaven? I don't understand the way the world works.
All I want is a baby to love and to hold. I swear I would do the best I could for it. I feel as if my lifes on hold until I have another baby. I can't enjoy anything in my life right now.

My work is still sending letters saying things like, "you still haven't been in contact, we are surprised at you Kaylee, when are you coming back?"
They ended up saying in the last letter that I am not coming back this whole year and I HAVE to go back on the 19th Jan 2009, I mean WTF, exactly one year after Jaydens birth, I can't believe them. It is such a good job but I don't see how I can face them again.

I also got a new dog at the animal shelter 2 weeks ago. I got a big speech of the lady on how I was trying to replace my baby. I mean, how could I replace my baby with a dog. They said they had the dogs best interests at heart and I understand that. She just got a bit personal and was basically saying I couldn't have the dog as I wouldn't be able to cope with it. I ended up getting it though as I told her i had a lot of people around to help with it. I wanted to boot her out of my house but my OH really wanted the dog.
If someone thinks I can't look after a dog because of my loss, what will people think of me having another baby? Everything in my life seems to go back to my baby dying, my life is no longer simple like it used to be.

Sorry to go on, I really could go on all day on how bad my life is right now. I know I am still the same person underneath all this mess, I have excepted Jaydens death, I just don't understand why God thought it was best for me not to be able to get to know my baby and take him away.
I know I am also being selfish as many women don't get the chance to ever have a baby in their life. I don't think life is fair in a lot of ways.
I just hope and pray that one day I can have another one which I can love and look after, its all I want outta my life.

Kaylee

 

[x Naomi x]

 

[LilysMummy]

Youve been through a lot hun you cant be expected to be your old self any time soon. Im sure Jayden is watching over you

 

[lauramumof2]

I cannot being to imagine how hard the last few days and months months have been for you. Your work have been very insensitive saying things like this. Are you in a union, if so, have a word with them....

Your baby is in a very safe place and one day you will have more babies and you can tell them all about Jayden.

 

[StrawberryJam]

im so sorry for your loss kaylee, i just wanted to let you know im here if you want to talk as i know what your going through. i lost my baby son Ally at 33 weeks and it was the most devestating time of my life. even though there were so many people around me wanting to help i couldnt help feeling isolated and alone. at one point i totally fell to pieces and stopped speaking to everyone, i think i was hoping if i did that then the pain would go away. i stayed off work for about 10 months and needless to say they werent impressed. it makes me so angry that some people dont have any sympathy. To help me get through the tough times i started planning things so i had something to look forward to, even if it was only making a speacial dinner for me and DH or planning day trip out. it helped me to take my mind of ttc and the 2ww, as i Ally was my first baby and we were so desperate to have a little family.

i lost Ally on 16 May 2006 its coming up for 2 years now, it still hurts and i have a little sob every now and again, but things do get easier i promise. when people used to tell me this i used to think how can it get easier? i dont know how but it does.

my thoughts are with you and your family through this difficult time and remember you will always have an angel looking over you

love

Lucy x

 

[Tracey S]

Its still very early days for you at the moment, Its just over 3 months since you lost Jayden and your feelings are still very raw.

I was exactly the same as you, I just wanted to be pregnant as soon as possible, we began trying again as soon as we could. I felt that i was incomplete without a baby to hold and that was all that I was thinking about, then each month came the crushing disapointment when I wasnt pregnant.

Its 9 months now since we lost Heidi, and I know you probably wont believe me but time IS such a great healer, gradually life becomes more stable and now I can think about her without getting upset. I went back to work after 10 weeks because I didnt get my maternity leave, my work have been great but I still didnt want to be there.

I am pregnant again now, but I know that when the new baby comes its not going to make things better, it will never replace Heidi and we dont expect him/her to. The woman at the dog rescue centre seems very insenstive, but I would try not to take to heart what she said, she doesnt know you, and you dont owe her anything, least of all your emotions. I hope you are enjoying your new doggy, see it as another step forward into your future. You WILL have another baby, but for now be gentle with yourself and it will all happen for you.

Love

Tracey xx

 

[magenta]

sooo sorry

 

[Steelgoddess]

By reading your post it sounds like you are very depressed at the moment hon, which you may of already guessed yourself.

It really doesnt help with these ppl being so insensitive. i honestly cannot understand why there isnt more compassion to those that have had a loss at times, especially your work place, it makes me quite mad

(If you have not already done so... Have you ever thought about writing your workplace a detailed letter as to why you feel the need to take time off? they are being very insensitive and I think what they put in their letter is disgusting!! Im sorry but your mental health comes first, they need to understand you have had a loss and you need time to grieve!!

I understand the way you feel with ttc, after my last miscarriage I didn't feel I could cope mentally, especially if I wasn't pregnant by my due date I felt I would be in pieces... I also believe that being pregnant does remove some of the hurt, not all but it does help, not as a replacement but more of a coping mechanism if that makes sense...

When I MC I had exactly the same thoughts as you to start with, i felt very bitter towards women who could have child after child without problems, and then angry at those that have kids but neglect them etc.

I also felt very angry, why had this happened, I didnt deserve it, i dont cheat, lie steal, I wanted to be a Mummy so badly and I felt so mad at everything and at times myself and questioned if there even was a God...

I was seeing a therapist before I was pregnant anyway and she helped me to realise that ppl do not get what they do and don't deserve in life, ppl don't win the lottery because they have done good deeds all their life, and ppl don't have bad things happen because they are bad ppl, it would be great if the world worked this way but its so unfortunate it doesn't especially when ppl like you deserve to be happy...

Keep the faith and know eventually it WILL happen for you... Only you know how long you need to heal from this painful experience I hope for you its sooner rather then later...

I know its just a quote but after my MC I found the quote thats currently in my signature "Without struggle there is no progress" I know its just a quote but it really helped me and I do believe it, sometimes things in life are sent to test us, sometimes even to breaking point, at times I thought the hurt would never go away, but I can assure you day by day it goes a little bit, and becomes alot easier to manager...

If you ever need to chat im only a pm away.

Take care