I don't know what to do ...

[Laurenm]

Me and my partner have been together just over 4 years. They have been a hectic for years we have 3 children. He has his hobbies, golf, football, drinking, playstation, his phone/ipad. So we have 3 children and he says to me all the time if it wasn't for the children we wouldn't be together. He will come home from work take a nap on the sofa, wake up play playstation or sit on his phone then il serve tea and do dishes then it is bed time so I will bath the boys and put them to bed and he will get in the bath and stay there until about 8 then he will get out and watch tv. Our children are all under the age of 3. I don't work as he refuses to help with child care costs and I just wouldn't be able to make that type of money working. So I spend my days doing house work and odd jobs taking the boys out for a walk/ go shopping (I don't have a car) I won't lie it is hard it is difficult when there's one of you and 3 of them and they are so little as well. He will be so miserable when he gets home from work and is constantly making sly remarks towards me telling me I'm fat (I have but on half a stone since before my first child I weigh 8st 4lb) he says I'm lazy that being at home is a luxury and I should respect him more because I bring in no money. He tells me I'm screwed if he was to leave me as I have 3 children so nobody is guna want me. I do everything for him he doesn't even need to pull the flush he asks for something I will do it I have no problem doing this for him but surely he should treat me with some more respect? He shouts at me infront of my children and makes me look like a complete fool. If we have an argument he will go tell his parents who will then tell me how much of a bad parent I am how he earns the money I should shut my mouth. The way he is with the kids is disgusting he will shout at them for trying to wake him up he slaps them so now my eldest thinks it's ok and slapping is fine. I have sat him down and had to tell him daddy shouldn't hit people it's naughty. I've asked him to stop hurting them and to use the naughty step but he just can't be bothered to get off the sofa. When it's just me at home the kids are well behaved they know what is wrong and when they are to stop what they are doing. My partner refuses to buy anything child related because I receive the child benefit therefore that is what that money is for. A couple months I fall short of things so I borrow money off family members but it shouldn't be there place to be feeding my children. I am so unhappy I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared if I tell him to leave im going to be worse off than I am now. I'm scared I will be unhappy and struggle to pay bills. I have told him in the past couple days our relationship isn't working he says I'm ungrateful and I'm the cause of the unhappiness between us. Then he went to work yesterday and started texting me saying sly comments like pack up all his stuff and he doesn't believe what I'm telling him I replied and said look I told you on Saturday how I was feeling not once has he apologised to me or even suggested he could change. He came home at 5 yesterday and didn't say a word to me so I didn't speak back. Then my friend popped over to collect a DVD she left and he caused a big scene packed up a bag and said I'm leaving. He has left me with no money I have no food for my children he knows there is no food here. There is no milk for them they are living of toast and yoghurt a because I have absolutely no money. I text him and said when are you coming back he's not replied. I have now made plans for tonight for a friend to bring us over tea and milk and stay the night. I haven't text him to tell him I have made plans. Should I? Have I been too mean? Should I give him another chance? My head is all over the place I'm not sure what is going to be best.

 

[ClimbingRose]

Its hard to comment because I dont know you atall and dont know your situation in depth, but it doesnt sound good hun. He shouldnt be raising a hand to your child especially if you have told him not to. He shouldnt be using money to control you, you would find it difficult initially if you left, but you would be allocated a house with the council, and would get extra benefits due to being a single mum, he would also be forced to pay child maintenance so chances are you'd actually be better off because your money would be your own and he wouldnt be able to use it against you. At 8st there is no way you can be fat. This is emotional abuse, as is saying no-one will want you now you've got kids. He is assuming that by emotionally abusing you and wearing you down every day, you'll think so little of yourself that you'd never think to leave.
He sounds incredibly controlling and abusive towards you and your children. If you dont think its working, and all thats keeping you there is the money situation, then do not ask him back.
I actually think the best thing for your kids would be to seperate, as you really dont want them growing up thinking its ok for daddy to treat mummy so badly. That is just my opinion, sorry if it seems too blunt. Hope you get it sorted either way, but me personally I wouldnt tolerate it.
Ofcourse people will want you regardless of your kids, and you deserve so much better. xxx

 

[Mum2Many]

He sounds abusive and nasty. DON'T let him come back!

I'm not sure what help there is currently available for single mothers, but you need to firstly tell your family what has been going on and what is happening now. Then you need to contact Citizens Advice or similar and ask what help you can get towards bills and money to live with. Then I would seek legal advice on how to limit his contact with the children as from what you've said he's abusive towards them too and I certainly wouldn't want my kids around him alone as he can't be trusted.

You need to be strong. From what you've said you've been a wonderful wife and mother. He has been a horrible father and husband. This is NOT your fault and you've done NOTHING wrong if what you're saying is true.

Don't let him come back. Tell him it's over. Your children sound like they'd be better off without him in the house, as you said yourself they're completely different (better behaved) when he's not there than when he is... You don't want your sons growing up thinking that how he treats you is an acceptable way to treat women.

And he's wrong. There are plenty of good, decent, loving men out there who'll want you and your kids and who won't treat you this way.

 

[Laurenm]

This is the man she's accused of all the stuff above before you all judge that's one side of the story and she's been cheating on me for weeks

 

[Mum2Many]

Yeah OK. Where is she? Why are you signing on under her name?

 

[ClimbingRose]

As I said in my comment, I dont know either of you.. yes her version is one side of the story, but are you denying you've done any of that?
I honestly wouldnt be surprised, if you treated her that way then I can see why she would be looking for comfort in someone else.
If the situation was reversed and she was treating you like that, im sure you'd want to leave/look for someone else.
I dont know what is the truth in all your situation, maybe you both have big issues with the realtionship, maybe neither of you are more guilty than the other, but it doesnt sound good. You should talk about this and really decide what you're going to do. No use staying together for the kids sake, they will grow up to resent you putting them through all your problems. I would know, having grown up with parents who argued and fought all the time.

 

[LoopyLouize]

Well, signing into her account leads me to believe that what she has stated above and what others replied saying, you look very controlling. Well done for confirming that one!

 

[Mum2Many]

Him signing into her account makes me worried about her personally. Is she OK? Has he hurt her when he found out she was unhappy? As someone who spent some years in womens refuges as a child I've seen all this type of crap before and it makes me hope to God she's OK.

As for cheating on him, I really don't believe it after reading this;

Our children are all under the age of 3. I don't work as he refuses to help with child care costs and I just wouldn't be able to make that type of money working. So I spend my days doing house work and odd jobs taking the boys out for a walk/ go shopping (I don't have a car) I won't lie it is hard it is difficult when there's one of you and 3 of them and they are so little as well.

As someone who had 3 kids under 3 at one point I know there's no time for cheating on Husbands... When's she going to do it?! And what, in front of the kids?! Yeah, OK. And when she's constantly told her's fat, ugly and useless and nobody will want her I doubt she's got the self-esteem to go and have an affair. I guess it's possible, but probably unlikely.

Like Loopy - this just confirms all that she's said for me.

 

[Princess81]

I have closed this thread because it is against forum rules to log onto someone else's account. Perhaps it has given you a few home truths though buddy!! Might want to sort a few of those out now you've read it.... And take it as a lesson to never go snooping!!