I don't know how much more I can take

[BecciBooo]

I am emotionally exhausted and I'm scared about how its going to affect my baby.

I'm 31 weeks, the pregnancy wasn't planned and my relationship with the babies dad isn't exactly great these days. I am so happy that I am pregnant and I'm loving been pregnant but the rest of my life just seems to be falling apart.

I have an extremely toxic relationship with the babies father, and its took me quite along time to admit and realise that he is abusive towards me. For over 3 years I have defended his behaviour because he has told me he is bipolar. I tried to understand and help but things have got progressively worse. I see now that over the years his behaviour has manipulated me and slowly worn away at my confidence, he has prevented me from getting a job and although initially encouraged me to go back to university, he has prevented me from attending lectures, making friends etc. He has alienated me from all my old friends and family and just run me down.

I started to see this a few weeks after telling him I was pregnant and he decided to move in with me. I reached out to family who were absolutely brilliant, even though my mum and dad aren't together anymore they pulled together along with my sister and grandparents to try to improve my situation. They have now found me a lovely 3 bedroom house and bought it for me to live in, its in the next town over from my sister who recently had a baby. Its close to my family and lots of plans have been made to support me and make sure I can cope on my own. I'm currently waiting on the paperwork to be finished so I can move.

In the mean time my life feels like hell. Daily I have to put up with his constant put downs and digs, every time he sees me he tells me I'm fat and ugly. A few weeks into know I was pregnant he wanted me to get a termination, I've had 2 previous miscarriages so refused. Since then he has said he wishes the baby would die, or I'd have a serious accident. Over the past few weeks he has started to tell me that he is going to fight full custody of the baby because I will be a terrible mother, even to the point of telling me I've already killed 2 babies so I will probably kill this one at some point. He's told me he is just going to take the baby as he has as many rights as me and if he just takes him its a civil court matter and not one for the police.

I have asked him to leave but he won't, a lot of people have advised me to report him for domestic abuse and have him removed from the house but I have one simple reason as to why I won't do that. He has applied to study abroad for 2 years in September, and its looking like he has been accepted. If he ends up with any kind of police record then he won't be able to go...and I want him to go. If he leaves for 2 years he won't be seeing me or the baby. If he tries for full custody when he returns, him leaving by his own accord and the baby not knowing who he is will work in my favor and he won't have any chance at all. I have decided to just hang on until my house is ready.

Yesterday I was told the completion date for the house has been delayed by a few weeks. I was a bit upset and stupidly I told him what was wrong. He then went into full blown angry mode and said that the whole situation was stupid. He didn't understand why I need to buy a house anyway, as if I'm renting I can just move whenever I want. He started slagging off my family saying they have had too much input into the house and then started slagging off me saying I'm lazy because I don't fight for things. He said I should tell them I am pulling out of the house sale unless its done by the date I want. He has never bought a house and doesn't have a clue about everything that has to be done. I tried to explain how much money in fees would be lost to different companies if I pulled out and he said I would claim it back as compensation, he didn't understand thats not how it works at all and just got more and more horrible.

This week I also found out my dog I've had for 10 years has Lymphoma and probably has only a few months left. I am also in my final year of uni and the deadline for my dissertation is this week.I will be sitting my final exams at 37-38 weeks pregnant. Oh and he has also started dating another girl over the last few weeks and has been trying to rub my noise in it the entire time.

Yesterday I just fell to pieces; I started crying uncontrollably. I ran to my bedroom and sat behind the door crying until I eventually fell asleep. I feel like I'm done, I have no where to turn to. I don't want to worry my family, they have done so much already for me and I don't want to tell them how bad things are. I can't report him, and I have nowhere else to go at the moment, I also have too many animals to just up and leave, and there is no way I can leave my dog even though she is with him all the time. I don't even want to get out of bed this morning and I'm scared to see him incase he starts again. I've 2000 words left to write on my dissertation by tomorrow and I just can't even think

 

[GBLiz]

I'm so sorry, abusive relationships in any form are so dangerous to your wellbeing and affect every single part of your emotions and life. I know you say "he wont leave" but you need to feel safe at this time. How long is the house delayed by? where is he going when the house is ready? how will you keep him away from your new house? what if he turns up? Having to have him removed for domestic abuse will go more in your favour for custody, then him being abroad for 2 years, . I think your safety is number one here not making sure he gets his uni place. although i can undersdtand why you are so keen for him to get away, its not worth having him harassing you up til september and then fighting you for the child when he gets back.

 

[BecciBooo]

I'm so sorry, abusive relationships in any form are so dangerous to your wellbeing and affect every single part of your emotions and life. I know you say "he wont leave" but you need to feel safe at this time. How long is the house delayed by? where is he going when the house is ready? how will you keep him away from your new house? what if he turns up? Having to have him removed for domestic abuse will go more in your favour for custody, then him being abroad for 2 years, . I think your safety is number one here not making sure he gets his uni place. although i can undersdtand why you are so keen for him to get away, its not worth having him harassing you up til september and then fighting you for the child when he gets back.

He won't know where I live, all he know is I am moving to Chesterfield area, he doesn't know a town or address and I won't tell him. All the paperwork etc has gone through my family so he will have no way of finding me. I don't know where he is going once I move, he's told me probably student accommodation at the uni where he is at the moment, which is about 150 miles from where I am moving to. The completion date was supposed to be the first week of April, even been delayed by a few weeks, it isn't that far away. I have to move before the baby is born due 20th May) because my landlord has said I can't have a baby in my rented house.

I have no proof of domestic abuse, even though he has physically hurt me twice, I never went to anyone about it. I have no evidence to back myself up and I am worried that it will just look like I am making it all seem so much worse than is is because hes said he wants custody.

I do think once I have moved he will loose interest, he will have his new girlfriend to keep him busy and I will be at the other end of the country so I don't think he will bother. I just need to get to that point.

 

[netty]

Oh hun - gaslighting is as much as a crime as domestic violence!

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/coercive-or-controlling-behaviour-now-a-crime

You DO have rights and i know its going to be hard and emotional and frightening to go through this proces you absolutley cant let him keep treating you this way !

Your house will provide refuge but ultimately ( as stupid as it is ) you can't just take his child away and if he prusues it there will be repercussions.

You need to start carving out a foothold now by documenting his behaviour before your precious little bub is here, and it all starts by simply takinga trip down to your local station and explaining everything you have done here to them

noone should have to live this way and i guarantee you the more control he loses the more he will want to interfere!

massive hugs, i have a friend in exactly the same situation as you and there are ways out!

 

[BecciBooo]

Oh hun - gaslighting is as much as a crime as domestic violence!

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/coercive-or-controlling-behaviour-now-a-crime

You DO have rights and i know its going to be hard and emotional and frightening to go through this proces you absolutley cant let him keep treating you this way !

Your house will provide refuge but ultimately ( as stupid as it is ) you can't just take his child away and if he prusues it there will be repercussions.

You need to start carving out a foothold now by documenting his behaviour before your precious little bub is here, and it all starts by simply takinga trip down to your local station and explaining everything you have done here to them

noone should have to live this way and i guarantee you the more control he loses the more he will want to interfere!

massive hugs, i have a friend in exactly the same situation as you and there are ways out!

I've never said I will take the baby away from him or said he can't see him. I have said that it will have to be through a contact centre and supervised which he has agree'd too and I have already looked into. I have always said he can be on the birth certificate, have his surname and can see him. The problem is he is now sating he doesn't want to be on the birth certificate, doesn't want to be at the birth and probably won't want to see him for the first few years anyway as he will be in Denmark.

 

[netty]

Oh hun - gaslighting is as much as a crime as domestic violence!

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/coercive-or-controlling-behaviour-now-a-crime

You DO have rights and i know its going to be hard and emotional and frightening to go through this proces you absolutley cant let him keep treating you this way !

Your house will provide refuge but ultimately ( as stupid as it is ) you can't just take his child away and if he prusues it there will be repercussions.

You need to start carving out a foothold now by documenting his behaviour before your precious little bub is here, and it all starts by simply takinga trip down to your local station and explaining everything you have done here to them

noone should have to live this way and i guarantee you the more control he loses the more he will want to interfere!

massive hugs, i have a friend in exactly the same situation as you and there are ways out!

I've never said I will take the baby away from him or said he can't see him. I have said that it will have to be through a contact centre and supervised which he has agree'd too and I have already looked into. I have always said he can be on the birth certificate, have his surname and can see him. The problem is he is now sating he doesn't want to be on the birth certificate, doesn't want to be at the birth and probably won't want to see him for the first few years anyway as he will be in Denmark.

ah it was just you saying that you thought he wouldnt bother and he wont know where you live too thats all.

People like this usually say one thing and do exactly the opposite, i'd hate for you to think he will just dissapear off the radar to find he takes 1000% more of an interest than he said he would.

like i said, there are ways out - proper legal ways. I hope you find an asnwer that suits you all well x

 

[Haylian]

What an awful situation you’re in.
I don’t have many words of wisdom unfortunately but it sounds to me that you have a wonderful family who are trying their best to help you so you have them to turn to. I promise you if you’re feeling this way they will want you to go to them. Don’t feel like it’s an inconvenience to them, they clearly love you and want to help. It’s actually really positive in my opinion that you can see your partner in his true colours as it makes you less likely to put up with his BS.
Sounds like you’re being very brave but please go to your family, they will want to support you.

 

[LuckyLaura]

I didn't want to read and run but can't do much to help other than say you absolutely should go speak to your family. You are not being a burden and they're clearly willing to help.

I am so so sorry for the situation you are in, he sounds like a total nasty piece of work. The fact that he is saying he will go away for two years and fight for custody shows that he's not even interested in being in the baby's life- it's just to worry and stress you! The fact that he is stressing you out when you are pregnant and doesn't give a crap about the effect on the baby just strengthens that, so hopefully once he gets bored and can't get the satisfaction of seeing you be stressed or upset or other reactions he gets his kicks out of then maybe he will just bugger off

I really hope everything gets sorted for you. I am also at uni at the moment, juggling working and uni and being pregnant and it's hard enough without the emotional abuse he is putting you through. I know it sounds hard but you have to try try try to block out his nasty words and you can come here anytime and we will be happy to tell you over and over again how wrong he is and what bs he is talking.

I will be 36 weeks when I do my exam this year in uni, its tough worrying about it isn't it? If you want to talk about ANYTHING, please pm me xx