Hubby troubles

[bunnymom1980]

I'm not usually one for discussing personal stuff like this on a forum but I sort of need to write it down IYKWIM.

Hubby and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch. It mainly boils down to him failing his last teaching placement. He should be a qualified teacher now but he needs to do another teaching placement sept to dec first. This is hampered by the fact that we couldn't pay all his tuition fees, so he can't do this last placement until it's paid and we don't have the money. He finished his last placement 4 weeks ago now but still hasn't found a temp job. He's been really moping about over everything. I would go as far as to say that he's a bit depressed.

We had a big talk last night and he said he doesn't feel himself and he doesn't know how to pull himself out of it. My thoughts are that due to the fact we have a baby on the way I told him that I thought he was being really selfish.

So this frame of mind he's in right now has had a knock on effect on our relationship. He claims it's not about me or us but I tried to explain that it is now! I told him that I thought he was neglecting me and that I was feeling rubbish as a result. He's just so distant all the time.

Do you think I'm being unfair by saying he's selfish? I did tell him that if this carries on and we don't resolve it that I thought we'd probably end up spitting up by the end of the year. He doesn't seem to understand how much he's missing out on sharing this pregnancy because he's so caught up in his own stuff. I want to be able to talk to him about stuff and I can't. Like last night though, we talk but don't seem to get anywhere.

Anyway, sorry to bore you all with my problems, I just needed to vent.

Oh one more thing, I was having a look on the Relate website for counsellors in our area. Do you have to pay for Relate's services?

 

[glitzyglamgirl]

Hi hun, this sounds familiar as I have recently had the same thing with my OH, minus the pregnancy.

The only way we resolved it was by me putting myself in his shoes (he was also depressed about work - since he was made redundant from a job he had loved for 14 years he hasnt found anything he is happy with yet). I think you need to do the same. How would you feel if you were depressed and he told you that you were being selfish and that if he carried on you would split up? You would probably feel like he wasnt supporting or understanding you, and that HE was being selfish. I dont mean to be funny, but if it was the other way around you would be feeling 100 times worse.

He needs your support and understanding, even if all it takes is a big hug and saying "I understand". Try to think about how it is affectinh him, not just how it is affecting you, and be the strong one. When he feels better your relationship will be all the more stronger for it.

Depression is not something you can choose to turn off like a light switch, and it makes you feel even worse when you see it affecting someone else that you love, if you can take that pressure off him then he will feel better a lot quicker

 

[jills10uk]

it does sound like he is a bit depressed and although it will be hard for you to cope with i think he could do with your patience ( very hard when your pregnant and hormones are all over the place )
i would maybe try talking to him again to sort out if he is actually suffering from a bit of depression and if you both think he might be, maybe get him to talk to the dr?

 

[nori]

Hiya,

I dont usually stick up for the men as usually they are in the wrong lol.. However, it sounds like your hubby is going through a really rough time.. He probably wants to provide for you and baby and failing his teaching has probably had a massive knock on effect to his confidence. Men dont tend to show how they are feeling and keep it all bottled up (distancing themselves).

I think you need to have a sit down and find out how he is feeling. our OH's can feel very left out during the whole pregnancy business.

Really hope you sort things out as its the last thing you need right now,

Claire x

 

[bunnymom1980]

Thanks, I think that's what I needed to hear TBH.

Pregnancy has just made me so irrational and not able to think about things clearly.

We're gonna do some more talking later when Jacob is in bed. I've just dropped him off at the pub, an old friend has just called him up out of the blue. So I hope getting out of the house for a few hours will cheer him up.

 

[nori]

Glad you are feeling a bit better. We are woman.. we are allowed to be irrational at times!

Just make sure you dont get into meaningful discussions if hes had a few drinks.. it always ends in tears!

Hope you get it sorted,

Claire x

 

[mrs_metal]

I can't really add to the above advice but yes you do have to pay for relate, can't remember the exact amout but I think it's about £30 a session, me and DH had about four or five sessions with relate and they were really good, helped us get over a hurdle in our relationship.

Hope everything sorts out soon

 

[Penstraze]

What tough timing for you both as pregnancy and depression both tend to make you focus on yourself and possibly neglect the people around you alittle, when we're pregnant we spend so much time thinking about the baby growing inside us the changes we're going through and how they are developing, kicks etc it can at times be hard to talk about or focus on anything much else which must be frustrating at times for people around us, depression makes you unable to focus on other things but the problems your going through, I have no doubt that he is interested and cares about your pregnancy but its part of the problem as others have said his fear of being able to provide for you all and the worry of the future when theres a baby on the way focusing on the future is natural but when the future is an uncertain one that can become very unnerving and take some enjoyment our of the pregnancy. Put together the two are abit of a recipe for disaster you feel neglected by him that hes not giving you the attention you need or as interested in this pregnancy as you would like and he's probably feeling abit the same your too wrapped up in the pregnancy to understand how low hes feeling and he might feel abit neglected and like his problems don't mater to you, I definately think communication is key here you both have to sit down and have a good talk about how you are feeling and really listen to each other and see things from each others point of view. I am sure this is something you can work through but counciling sounds like a good idea they will be able to help you both see each others perspective and give a neuteral take on the situation. Good luck hope you sort things