Getting Over It

[Skidoo]

So, my beautiful girl is 8 months old. My partner and I were serious drinkers before I got pregnant, but of course I had to stop when I got pregnant. No big deal, I'd been cutting down anyway 'cos I wanted to get pregnant. But my partner refused to stop.

So we argued a lot and every now and then he'd say he was stopping and cut down to 2 or 3 large bottles of beer a night. After a couple of weeks it wld be back up to 1 or 2 bottles of wine a night.

Summer came and he was on holiday and I was caring for the baby. He carried right on drinking and when I complained about how tired I was he'd just go on about how tired he was and how much he was doing and then he'd go sleep on the sofa for a couple fo hours.

Then he stopped drinking a few weeks ago. Great! Now we might share a bottle of wine over dinner at the weekend and sometimes have a glass or two with dinner during the week, but he's not getting wicked drunk every night.

So things have got a lot better, but now I'm in the wrong because I haven't just 'got over it' yet.

I feel I wasn't well supported during my pregnancy and wasn't supported for a considerable chunk of my darling's first months. But he is angry that I am not back to the happy-go-lucky person he remembers I was before.

I am considering going to the doctors for some kind of 'happy pills' to get through this. I already see a therapist, but not often enough.

Any similar experiences or advice?

 

[Cat&Noah]

Firstly I would say to avoid the solution of going stright for the medication option, as this wont actually solve any of your problems, just cover them up. I sounds like your not so much depressed but resentfull of your OHs behavior in the past. The question is, is it the past that is bothering you or is his attitude still bothering you. Cause if it is the past, you need to think about whether or not you want what happened in the past to dictate your future together as a family. The positive thing here is your partner had decideded to stop the drinking, so must be committed to you and your daughter. It is important to et your feeling out and tell him how you felt aout what happens, and how if in anyway he can make this up to you both, but try not to keep punishing him for it, or you may end up pushing him back to it, if he feels that he cant win either way.

 

[Skidoo]

We talk and he seems to 'get' what I'm saying and I feel better about things and then he'll just throw some glib remark in that seems to indicate that he doesn't really 'get' it at all.

I don't want it to dictate our future together.

I want to be able to talk to him, but what's the point if it just bounces off?

I don't think he really takes his bad behaviour in the past and it's effect on me very seriously and that makes me feel resentful.

 

[Cat&Noah]

I think he may be getting it hun, as after all he has stoped now, so must realise he has done something wrong. Unfortunatly it is a defence mechanism with men where they often like to make joking, stupid off hand comments if they feel a conversation is a little heavy, or like they are being told off, instead of being serious.
Try arraning for you to do some really nice family activities together so you can have fun as a family. Get him involved more, and he will see just how he was missing out on things before, its important that he doesnt feel like your nagging im to pull his finger out, ut that he sees for himself how much better it is when you do thinks as a family, like going swimming or to the park to feed ducks. And also get him to look after her himself on occasion so you can let your hair down yourself. It sounds like you have become a it fed up of acting the responsible one all the time and having to do everything as the grown up. It will make you feel a it more 'fun' if you can go oit and have fun yourself instead of being the mature one olding the baby all the time.

 

[Em78]

just wanted to say its nice to see you back hun and i agree with cats advice.

(sorry not much help really!)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Urchin]

My OH hasn't drunk at all for 2 years. He was a moody and miserable drunk and it almost ended our relationship. We had one last massive row about it and I thought it was over. He hasn't drunk since that day and I have got over it now, but I know how hard it can be to let it go.

Think about what a huge sacrifice he has made so far, and his reasons for doing it, and in time the hurt he has caused you wil fade as you have more good times again.

Pm me if you want to

 

[Skidoo]

oh heck - this is my 3rd attempt as I keep getting logged out!!

Thanks for your thoughts guys - I really appreciate it.

Once he'd made the decision he didn't look back. He doesn't regard it as a great sacrifice and neither do I. I quit for our baby and now he finally has. We have more £££ and feel healthier!!

Right now he's at home with our poorly baby for the second day. He's finding it hard and getting an appreciation of how hard it was for me when she was tiny and needed that level of attn all the time! It can be easy to forget when you weren't the one doing it!

I believe we'll work it out because we love each other and have a great time together most of the time!!!

 

[Cat&Noah]

Thats great news hun, you hang on in there, relationships always take work and have ups and downs, opefully this is just another of those bumps in the road.

 

[nicki]

Hiya,

Glad you're back, wondered where you had got to!

I agree with what Cat has said. Relationships are hard work sometimes & I think having a baby can sometimes put a strain on it even more. Its great that your OH has stopped drinking, he'll enjoy everything more now he's sobre.

All couples have ups & downs & as you say you love each other so i'm sure it will all be fine in the end.

Sending