Getting Depressed

[sofphie]

Bit of a long one here, and i am losing a bit of will to live with it all.

I have been ttc for 8 months. All my life since i was 23 i have wanted a baby, but felt i had a duty to it to have everything correct and in place so it would not go without in its life, so i waited till i was able to buy a house (which have done now) and i am also married. The problem is everything i have strived to do and get in life has been for this 1 crutial goal to have a baby, and i do genuinely only ask for 1.

I have also been slightly depressive in attitude, but since i was finally able to buy a house and move on with my life i had had zero "bad" thoughts.

However, as of last night it just recently hit me that im soon going to be 30 and i havent got a child and have had 8 fails in a row.. to make it worse husband atm is not performing at all and i have had a pretty heavy argument with him now.

Last night i was up all night crying and wanting to hurt myself in some manor, i did hit myself in my head so hard i got dizzy and thought i might actually die from it, cause i was dizzy and unsteady so i thought if i go to bed i will die and wanted to.. sorry guys this is kinda silly isnt it?

Problem is everything i have done and carry on to do in my life now is prepare for the kid, i will save everything i can for "when he/she here" and i will always be thinking what does he/she need like i would go and buy a double sofa bed for lounge instead of a normal sofa because.. when shes here we will have visitors and no spare room anymore.. I will do up garden so its kid friendly (yep really have baby proofed a garden already). I got married so i could have the kid, yep and this is really stupid because i got married soul purpose of having same name as hubby for when we have a kid not for any other reason or purpose really.. i feel my wedding was "crap" i feel my house is inadequate for the child (they have a tiny box room waiting for them and i feel guilty about this). I am terrified i will have a child and be crap and/or it isnt what i imagine it to be.

I just sometimes feel husband is purposefully messing things up .. all thru out time he will be like lets have sex, then comes round and he wont! actually really drove me mental yesterday and today just things have blown up a bit where ive told him i didnt want to marry him etc

Im just so upset, feel so alone and i dunno im very likely blowing this allll out of proportion because thats me!

And guys, yes i have charted, i do chart. I bbt, OPK, check cervix/cm everything.

We havent had one single try this month - husband also annoys me because i said to him yesterday today be a good day too and he agreed, comes home work and seems to just "forget" i dont get how he could forget, i also dont get how he cant care enough to plan for stuff for when they do eventually arrive. like he will say lets not save as much money for kid and im like HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!

Sorry really waffling on now... ill leave it there, just need to vent a bit really and put it out there.

 

[Sunflower1]

Ok, first of all don't think of it as 8 'fails'. It takes on average 6 months to conceive. That means for many it is longer. It's common after 6 months of trying for men to struggle to perform during the fertile week. I think they feel the pressure. We resorted to artificial insemination because of the stress of TTC naturally. It's a lot less stressful and we did get a BFP although lost it a few weeks later. Plenty of couples conceive using AI.


Please do not bang your head - you can cause serious damage. I totally get being frustrated but please don't hurt yourself - it's not worth it.


We actually got a BFP the month I stopped doing all the BBT, opks, etc.



Can you sit down and try and talk it through with him? I bet he's finding it mega stressful.

 

[katie88]

Firstly, welcome to the boards and huge hugs.

I admit (and most people on these boards would agree) I never knew how stressful TTC actually was until it came time to actually try. I came off the pill two years into our marriage and just expected it to work. Sadly, that's not the case and for some of us and it can take longer than expected, it really can be a rollercoaster for both of you. Maybe that's why he's having issues, maybe he just feels stressed by the whole thing and seeing how much its upsetting you?

I hate to say this, and I really don't mean it in a bad way, but hurting yourself and feeling like wanting to die isn't a good hun, both physically and mentally. You could do some real damage to yourself and to TTC, you need to be in the best physical and mental shape.


I've read so many posts from women on these boards, and include myself in the group, that are heartbroken when we get our BFN's but some how we all try to stay positive and move forward. Its a tough slog that can take many months and sometimes years, and even though we all get down from time to time, and may take breaks from TTC to clear our heads, we have to remain positive that it will work one day.

Us here on the forums are always here for a vent or rant or moan, so you know you have a safe space here to do that. Be kind to yourself through this process and be open and honest with your partner. Tell him how you're feeling and what upsets you. Sometimes, men bless them, cant mind read and need to sit down and understand how we're feeling and what's on our mind. I'm sure if you talk to him about it all, he'll open up to you about maybe why he isn't "performing"

 

[alwayscoffee]

Bit of a long one here, and i am losing a bit of will to live with it all.

I have been ttc for 8 months. All my life since i was 23 i have wanted a baby, but felt i had a duty to it to have everything correct and in place so it would not go without in its life, so i waited till i was able to buy a house (which have done now) and i am also married. The problem is everything i have strived to do and get in life has been for this 1 crutial goal to have a baby, and i do genuinely only ask for 1.

I have also been slightly depressive in attitude, but since i was finally able to buy a house and move on with my life i had had zero "bad" thoughts.

However, as of last night it just recently hit me that im soon going to be 30 and i havent got a child and have had 8 fails in a row.. to make it worse husband atm is not performing at all and i have had a pretty heavy argument with him now.

Last night i was up all night crying and wanting to hurt myself in some manor, i did hit myself in my head so hard i got dizzy and thought i might actually die from it, cause i was dizzy and unsteady so i thought if i go to bed i will die and wanted to.. sorry guys this is kinda silly isnt it?

Problem is everything i have done and carry on to do in my life now is prepare for the kid, i will save everything i can for "when he/she here" and i will always be thinking what does he/she need like i would go and buy a double sofa bed for lounge instead of a normal sofa because.. when shes here we will have visitors and no spare room anymore.. I will do up garden so its kid friendly (yep really have baby proofed a garden already). I got married so i could have the kid, yep and this is really stupid because i got married soul purpose of having same name as hubby for when we have a kid not for any other reason or purpose really.. i feel my wedding was "crap" i feel my house is inadequate for the child (they have a tiny box room waiting for them and i feel guilty about this). I am terrified i will have a child and be crap and/or it isnt what i imagine it to be.

I just sometimes feel husband is purposefully messing things up .. all thru out time he will be like lets have sex, then comes round and he wont! actually really drove me mental yesterday and today just things have blown up a bit where ive told him i didnt want to marry him etc

Im just so upset, feel so alone and i dunno im very likely blowing this allll out of proportion because thats me!

And guys, yes i have charted, i do chart. I bbt, OPK, check cervix/cm everything.

We havent had one single try this month - husband also annoys me because i said to him yesterday today be a good day too and he agreed, comes home work and seems to just "forget" i dont get how he could forget, i also dont get how he cant care enough to plan for stuff for when they do eventually arrive. like he will say lets not save as much money for kid and im like HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!

Sorry really waffling on now... ill leave it there, just need to vent a bit really and put it out there.

I'm sorry you feel this way. It sounds awful. To be honest, hitting your head is not the answer. It's destructive and unnecessary. You need to change your mindset. Sometimes when you put too much pressure on something you want so bad, it's even harder than it would've been. And you also lose the joy of it all. This is a connection between you and your husband, it takes two to tango. You need to respect his feelings too. Take a break. Re-connect with your husband. Take away the planning and the pressure of it all and enjoy this beautiful life together. Go on a date with your husband. It sounds like he is stressed too and stress isn't good for anyone, let alone your relationship.

The minute I got fed up with TTC and was feeling disconnected with my husband, I took a break, we went on a date, we had fun, we laughed and we didn't think about my fertile window or anything. We made love ONCE in my fertile window and it was the month I got pregnant. Miracles take time, patience is a virtue. Hang in there. Get back on track again.

Wishing you tons of baby dust!

 

[Chase]

I think that when you start self harming it's really time to go and speak to your gp lovely.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time, I hope that you and husband can have some open communication about how you are both feeling

Best of luck in your ttc journey

 

[IVW]

I think the girls above had said it all really and most of us can sympathise with you.

I did not EVER think ttc would be stressful and in a way i am glad there is a bit of a gap in between the bfn and ovulating, so you can almost move on and try again, but you do end up becoming like a robot, but you also need to be conscious of your partner as well. Of course he cares, but its hard for them to get emotionally attached to something that doesnt exist yet.

You need to find ways to relax your mind and not stress out, more so because it just wont happen if you are feeling stressed.

I wish you all the luck in the world and remember, it will happen when the little bean wants to say hello to the world

 

[WinterWolf]

I agree with what everyone else has said but would like to add one thing. If your whole life has always been about baby, you've put an enormous amount of pressure on yourself and your husband to get pregnant fast. I think you need to find something else to focus on.. like learning something new or taking up a hobby. Something that is just for you, nothing to do with your future baby. Having positives that are baby-free in your life really does help with TTC.

 

[Crumble]

I agree with all the above but I have to add something: you should really look inside yourself and see if you are happy with your actual life that it cannot be based on something that at the moment doesn't exist. Sorry I am a bit cruel but reading your words I got the perception that you aren't happy of what you got. If you aren't happy will not be a baby to make you so. Baby can add happiness but not create one. Actually they can be very stressful at the start, you need to be in a good state of mind for it. This is my opinion. Also I would really suggest to talk with a GP, maybe some antidepressants can help. You need to rebuild yourself and then you can be a support for someone else as a baby. A big darling and good luck with everything

 

[IVW]

I agree with all the above but I have to add something: you should really look inside yourself and see if you are happy with your actual life that it cannot be based on something that at the moment doesn't exist. Sorry I am a bit cruel but reading your words I got the perception that you aren't happy of what you got. If you aren't happy will not be a baby to make you so. Baby can add happiness but not create one. Actually they can be very stressful at the start, you need to be in a good state of mind for it. This is my opinion. Also I would really suggest to talk with a GP, maybe some antidepressants can help. You need to rebuild yourself and then you can be a support for someone else as a baby. A big darling and good luck with everything

I agree - well said