First day back at work meltdown.....

[abbyw]

Hi guys,

I don't know what's wrong with me - today is my first day back at work after MC/ERPC/Infec etc.... Have been absolutely fine of late - even started to step away from PF as felt I had some closure and could move on, but I don't know what is happening to me but today, I can't stop crying. Had very embarrassing meeting with my boss where I couldn't speak because I knew as soon as I opened my mouth I would start crying - am sitting at my desk just trying to hold it all in - lots of sniffles, red eyes and just generally feeling like absolute cr*p. I am so frustrated. I can't understand why I feel like this - psychologically, I am honestly totally fine with what has happened - I am a very logical person and I don't feel sorrow or shame or anything like that, I just feel that this is life. But my emotions today are just all over the place and I feel like I'm totally out of control of my own body and it is driving me mad. No one in my office, aside from management know what happened, and I've been squirrelled away at home for 4 weeks and me and OH have been fine, so I don't know if that's I'm just around people again that I feel so emotional, but I just cannot stop it.

Is this normal? Is it my hormones? WTF is going on?!?!!!? Hating this xxxx

 

[Jaxx01]

Hun...what you have been through is a lot...you are still going through the grieving process...if you feel you're not ready, then you really should try and see if you can go home sometimes we think we are fine and then when we get back into normal routines, thats when it hits that we arent, in fact, fine.

Big hugs to you hun, you gotta look after yourself though xxxx

 

[Corrinne37]

Oh hun,
I had meltdown at work after last MC too and its not fun. once you start crying you cant stop ! thats what i found.
I think no matter how we feel we are dealing with things and no matter how far down the line we are- sometimes just out of nowhere bamn you will feel cr*p. You cant just go through something like that and it not. You cant be strong all the time. Your only human. Just be kind to yourself , you are healing, its just all part of the process. xxxxx

 

[abbyw]

That's exactly it - It's as if my eyes are just producing tears of their own accord!! Tears are falling down my face and there is nothing I can do to stop it.I feel like such an idiot. Every time I think I've gotten it under control, I have a thirty second reprieve and then they start up all over again.......... it is so draining too. Can't believe this - I'v been fine - of course, a fair few spontaneous bursts of tears here and there when I'm on my own at home, but this is a whole different thing - I just cannot stop it. everyone must think I'm a freak xxx

 

[twinkles]

Oh hunny, sending hugs, I think it sounds that it has actually truely hit you today. Sometimes when we go back into our old lives before such a sad event it hits us, you may have grieved over the last few weeks but normality is def a reality check on whats happened, being at home for the 4 weeks isnt your normal life but going into work is, you need to take little steps, maybe do a morning then an afternoon and then a full day, just to get you back into things, it probably feels like a lot has changed in 4 weeks too, also being around people that are non the wiser is hard, trying to 'act' normal......Im much like you and very logic, can take on the world, every thing happens for a reason and sometimes out of no where its like a punch in the face and we break down, if you were fine this wouldn't of happened, I really think you have to start off slowly....xx

 

[abbyw]

Also, I'm struggling with something else - for some reaons I feel really full of self-hatred. I am going over regrets in my mind from like, my whole life, and I feel so horrid - I feel like a hideous person. I just don't feel like I like myself at all and I don't know where this has some from - it is quite an overwhelming feeling of self-despisal and I don't know if that is normal or not. Feeling quite low indeed xxx

 

[dyscochick]

hormones, they are awful things. also emotionally its easy to be ok with everything when you are in the security of a home environment, but once you are pushed back out into the real world all kinds of emotions come to the surface. Hope you are OK honey, don't beat yourself up over it, you'll settle back in no time. As Jaxx says it s a grieving process and even if you think you are ok it can catch you unawares. xxx

 

[dyscochick]

hun, it might be worth seeing a counsellor, feeling like you are a bad person, and dealing with all of those things in addition to your recent mc may have just pushed more things up to the surface than you want to recognise. I got 6 sessions through the gp when i was having a rough time and it just gave me someone to talk to and that was all i needed really. xxx

 

[abbyw]

Dysco did you just explain to your GP you needed someone to talk to?? I feel so disappointed in myself that I'm not stronger. Thought I was much tougher than this, I know that sounds unnatural considering what's happened, but I just I guess thought I'd be totally fine. Clearly I'm not, but also feel that now I'm here, it's not like I can say to my boss 'this is too much, can I go home?' I've been off 4 weeks - really feel like I've taken the p*ss already - I mean, how many people take that much time off for MC?? Not many I don't think - admittedly it was a really prolonged experience with all the to-ing and fro-ing, but I feel so pathetic. Utterly pathetic. xxx

 

[dyscochick]

oh hun please DO NOT feel pathetic at all, this a tortuous emotional trauma you and your body have been through. Yep I just went to GP and said I'm struggling, i need someone to talk to, can you refer me. I was also able to access it through work as well (benefits of working for a university) in the same way. I nearly didn't go to first appt cos i felt so stupid going. I went and after a while found that i could just talk, in safe, non threatening, way to someone completely impartial. I could say anything cos i didn't have to apologise for how i felt , rational or otherwise! then i'd clam down and talk it through. i was entitled to 6 but only used 4 of them, i felt so much better just once a week letting go until i was back on an even playing field and able to cope again. Do ask, it might mean a waiting list but you might get lucky and get something straight away.

 

[abbyw]

Thanks dysco - will do. Just had big long chats with my two bosses who have been great which has helped enormously. Have been worried about a secondment I was being sent on (to Africa) in a few weeks' time which I was really excited about a few months ago, but the thought of being on my own so far from OH is too much now..... they said they'd have been worried if I HAD still wanted to go and are sorting something else out for the work that's needed. Think I'm very lucky to have their support. Feeling a little lighter this afternoon - but for some reason, I am thinking this rollercoaster ride is no where near over x

 

[kra0]

R u feeling any better hun xxxx

 

[dyscochick]

hun thats amazing that you have good support from your bosses. I'm going to Malaysia again soon for work and I know I couldn't have done it a few weeks ago. its great that they are thinking of you like this. Dont' force youself into anything, take whatever time you need xxxx

 

[abbyw]

Hey Keira - am a little better this afternoon - think I'm all cried out for the day! There's no tears left..... Doctor advised me that there would be really sad days, and that when they happen, to just let them happen so that's what I guess has to be done. Just bloody wish they didn't happen in a 20-strong open plan office where no one knows what has happened!!!

How are you feeling? Any better this afternoon?? xxx

 

[kanga86]

My first day back at work was very strange, I felt like i was a new member of staff as people didnt really say anything to me. Most people knew i was pregnant at work because they gossip quite a lot, so very hard to face everyone again. After a while the nervousness, and the feeling i was going to crying did ease off. Just take it easy on urself, u've have been through a lot xxx

 

[kra0]

I'm a little better this afternoon thanks! I had no choice but to tell work I was pregnant as my daily duties had to be changed right away so everyone guessed I was preg. You really do feel like the new girl lol but luckily I work with a great close group of ppl who have been making me laugh all day long and keeping my mind off it.. I just wish ppl would stop looking at my belly lol! I had a bump from early on and as the sac is still there and growing, it's stil noticeable lol.. Crying really does help tho so don't be afraid to do it, no matter how many nosey co workers are watching lol. Having the support from work is so helpful and its also great when u have the full support and understanding of ur oh xxxx

 

[k8_005]

big hugs hun so wish none of us had to go through any of this life can be so cruel. hope that you feel a bit better soon xxxx