Family in law - in need of a rant. ARRRGH - update!

[daftscotslass]

As I've mentioned in other posts my OH is dutch but has lived here for 5 years. I get on well with his family, perhaps it's the hormones, but I'm starting to think that when the baby is born I'll be locking the door and not letting anyone but my own family in.

First off was that his parents were planning on coming over as soon as the baby was born. Fair enough, I said, but they can't stay with us because "their" room will be the baby's room (though it will be in with us). Even though OH agreed, it was rubbished on the grounds that the baby will be in our room and there will still be plenty room in "their" room. MIL and SIL came to stay last month and, with all the baby stuff in the room, finally realisation dawned that perhaps they wouldn't fit after all.

Today they were on the phone to say that I can't have the baby until the 22nd because they are busy and can't come over until then. Whoa there! They were planning on being here on my due date? No effing way. If I'm a bag of postnatal hormones then the last thing I want is them pottering around my house 14 hours of the day. OH totally agrees with me but is such a mummy's boy is relucant to say anything.

His sister (mother of 1) has every book on pregnancy and babycare under the sun and seems to be the self-proclaimed foremost authority on pregnancy and birth. Today's pearls of wisdom were that I can't possibly have the baby in the next couple of weeks because it's still moving (I'm sorry but I would be straight on the phone to the hospital if it WASN'T moving for an extended period of time). That the baby can't possibly have been partly engaged at 32 weeks (even if every midwife has said so since 32 weeks and it's recorded on my notes). That if the baby is moving it CANT be engaged and would risk its life if I was to go into labour with its head not fully engaged. I've not taken a word of it for granted but it's still upset me.

They've helped us a lot in this new house and I'm grateful but I KNOW that it will absolutely ruin our first couple of weeks at home as a family if they're on our doorstep the entire time - even my mum who is OBSESSED with being a gran will be giving us time to ourselves and she lives 5 minutes away. I am ALWAYS the mean one. I was the one who wouldn't let them decide the colours of our spare room when we moved in. I was the one who wouldn't let them choose the furniture in "their" room because it's OUR house. This time OH can tell them that they have to give us some time to ourselves.

Crap, this has turned into a complete rant but thank you for letting me vent it!

 

[loz]

You have to put your foot down girl and say they cant come until you feel ready! No way should they insist on coming - it's really insensitive. You need time to bond with the baby with your OH. If you dont do it at this time, they'll do it all your life with other things too.

Would your OH back you up if you ask him to speak to them so that you dont come across as the bad guy? He should put you first in this.

 

[jendav81]

That's not good hun

I agree with Loz I think that OH should speak to them and put his foot down and tell them as it's his side. If he won't speak to them on his own you could back him up. You need to have time as a family together and get into a routine

 

[Geordie&Bairn]

You poor thing
the last thing you need is the in laws decending on you after you've given birth
they must understand this is a time for you ytou baby and OH to bond
Telkl you Oh how you feel and as much as you want your in laws to get to know the baby the priority if for you to have time with your baby

i hope he backs you up and tells your in laws to wait a while before coming to visit.

 

[Bee]

They sound nuts!

Want to meet up and have a moan? I could do with letitng off some steam too

 

[Ginnymarie]

hi hun
you put your foot down, it is your house and your baby, they can stay somewhere else, maybe rent a cottage or something, my mum and dad have dogs and i have said i dont want dogs around a newborn so that is what they have to do. yes you need the time to get used to your new arrival and get into routine, in-laws ehx

 

[Becky]

Trust your instincts - your SIL is talking out of her behind.... my daughter never engaged at all until labour started.. Some people

You need to say something, those first few weeks with your baby are precious and you don't want to be sharing them with anyone full-time which is what will happen if they stay with you!

 

[BabyMagic]

It looks like that there are some cultural differences here... My understanding is that Dutch people can be very direct (I know a few of them). I bet they only mean good, but come across a little insensitive.

As I am from Scandinavia my parents are keen to come and help out after the baby is born. However, like yourself I may want some space to bond with the baby first before having anyone to come and stay around. We have agreed that we'll see how things work out and that they will come when I feel the time is appropriate. Also, they have suggested that if I want they will stay in a nearby hotel instead at ours. I just think that you cannot plan these things in advance as it is hard to know how we are going to be feeling after the baby is born.

My situation is different to yours as I am talking about my own parents and they are very understanding. I can only imaging how much more sensitive the issue can be with inlaws.

Coming to England from Holland is very easy and they wouldn't have to book their tickets in advance. I would definitely recommend speaking to them and saying that as much as you appreciate their wishes to help, you would want the baby to be born first and then decide when the appropriate time for a visit will be. I would also say that it may work better for everyone if they stayed in a hotel (baby crying at nighttime and not having enough space)...

I sense that having a discussion of this kind may be a little tricky with them. I would try to get your OH to talk to them, as they are his parents...

Have a few of these

 

[bobtheunfortunateone]

Ahh
My MIL wanted to come when the baby was born, we pointed out that we cannot control the date! Wish we could with out having a C section.

But then she has been nothing but a B**** to me since see found out. so we have just put our foot down. She is coming the 3rd week As I told my hubby he would have to be off because I would not be on my own with her, not after the way see has spoken to me and that is only because I will not take it out on my kids.

She is bad too me, she made me ill by calling me and having a go, her hubby put my fella on a chat site so he got lots of messages from girls , she then came over to see her other daughter In Law as soon as she found out she was pregnant.(even when I was pregnant with my first I kept her updated her other daughter In Law only spoke to her 3 times.

Once the baby is here its bonding time for us, she hasn't shown interest in my two year old (Seen him once, because we took him! then she chucked his christmas picture and card in the bin because she was mad at us!) God I'm more stress about her coming than giving birth!

 

[muppetmummy]

I would definately get your OH to have words with his family and tell them the cannot come to stay so soon, and the babys room is not available so they'll have to stay in a hotel.
They sound really rude trying to invite themselves
Your baby will only be a newborn once and you can do without the inlaws ruining it for you

 

[daftscotslass]

Bee - I will definitely take you up on that when you're off!

I want them to see the baby more than anything because I know how much it means to my OH. To be honest after 7 years knowing them I know it's not cultural differences, it's just how they are and I know it's because they care. They would definitely be staying at a B&B locally but the expectation would be there that they could spend the majority of the day with us. I think part of the problem is that we're so alike and opinionated we hate to admit it!

I had a hysterical crying fit (wasn't intentional, hormones took over from sensible brain) with OH shortly after I made my first post last night and he totally understands that the 3 of us will need time, even if it's just the couple of weeks he's off on leave, to just spend time together. He did get a bit huffy and say "why didn't you tell me before" which I HAD done repeatedly but he will make it clear to them to give it a little while before they come over. I know he'll want them nearby pretty soon after so I suppose I need to give him the benefit of the doubt over that!

Thanks for the advice everyone xx

 

[daftscotslass]

Today I finally have HAD IT! OH is extremely pee'd off as well.

Over the last week I have been called by MIL every day. Every day it's the same thing - "Are you bored? Are you uncomfortable?". I might be a bit uncomfortable but I DONT need constant reminders. I might be bored of waiting but I've been keeping busy and actually had some fun seeing friends and meeting folk for lunch. I told her in the nicest of ways of COURSE we would call her if anything happened. On Monday I decided I wouldn't answer the phone if I was in the house (both times she's called I've been on the toilet). She left a message saying "Me again, checking to see if you're bored, out or in hospital". I gave up trying to avoid it at that point.

We had an answerphone message on Saturday from FIL (we had gone out for lunch and to have a look in the shops). "You're not in, I assume you're in hospital, will call your mobiles.". OH told him gently that we were just having a nice lunch out.

Today was the last straw. My aunt and uncle came over and asked if I wanted to go for lunch - I agreed wholeheartedly and went out with them, then we went for a walk. Now, to put things in perspective, OH's phone has been playing up and the "lock" function isn't working right. It's obviously been in his pocket and called his parents. I come out of the cafe (phone was on silent) and I have several missed calls and an answerphone message from FIL.

"I have an open line on the other phone and I can hear Timo and you talking."

Not possible. T is at work and I'm 30 miles away at home!

"You've obviously been trying to get in touch with us..."

No, we haven't.

"So I assume you're in hospital and things are happening, I called the house and nobody answered. Call us as soon as you get this."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!! OH was also VERY annoyed as when his phone cut off his Dad called him back on his mobile when he was in the middle of a meeting. Partially his fault for not having it on silent but hey.

I KNOW they care but do they really think we wouldn't call them or get someone to call them if something happened? We have both said to them time and time again we will call. If we can't call we'll get my mum to call. SOMEONE will call! I'm wondering now when the phonecalls in the middle of the night are going to start?

Sorry again for the rant, I'm feeling a tad hormonal right now.

 

[Ginnymarie]

ooooh sounds so frustrating

I am also feeling the strain and what with the hormones combined...

at least they are far away for most part of your life and you only have to deal with regular phone calls not just popping in when they feel like it

FOR a FAG break

that is what my MIL does sometimes, when baby arrives...no way !

Hope you start to feel better soon, nice calm bath might help..
x

 

[muppetmummy]

I think your OH needs to explain to them how annoying it is to have them phoning all the time. Sounds like he's gonna have to be blunt for them to get the message

 

[Happybunny]

Aww bless you. I have very similar issues with my out-laws and they only live in the next street.

They ring every day too to see if 'I need anything or to see if I am bored' (they know I am quite capable and happy, I think they are checking to make sure I am not in labour.) I don't answer the phone sometimes either. Then they phone my mobile or OH's mobile.

I have told them we are not going to phone them when we go into labour. We will just phone when baby is here, so there really is no need to keep calling. MIL has put a phone in her room as she thinks we will ring at 2/3am if we have the baby then - but we won't, I just don't see the point. 8am is fine.

I really do understand where you're coming from, it is soo frustrating having to walk the fine line of not upsetting OH or his family but making sure they don't drive you insane with their plans for your child.

 

[BabyMagic]

Poor you

Don't they understand that they, particularly your MIL, are coming across negative? Perhaps you should ask your MIL next time if she is bored or uncomfortable. They just sound insensitive.

Even if you were in labour you wouldn't call them 'as soon as you get this'.

Thankfully, they don't live next door to you!!!! Luckily your OH agrees with you.