ex father-to-be

[johnson1994]

hey, my first post on here. been searching on google for help trying to deal with the loss of my little girl x. we are 16 and have been together for over 2 years now, its been 3 months now and it still feels like it was only last night when it happened. just the text from my fiance saying that she woken up covered in blood with a pile of jelly that would have been our little baby. we was just kept refusing to believe it had really happened. we was so heartbroken. months before we had talked so much about her even though she wasnt even pregnant, we just talked for hours about all the things we'd get to do, it had brought us so close together nothing would had managed to pull us apart. everything was going fine till it came to having to tell my mum and dad about that she is pregnant, they absolutly hate the idea of teenagers being pregnant its the worse posssible thing we can do. they tried so hard to convince me to give up our baby, for hours they made me sit and listen to them keep having ago at me, calling me names, saying how much of a disappointment i was, they was even refusing to let me see my fiance and our baby. i knew for sure that i wouldnt be getting any help from them. im terrible when it comes to standing up against my parents, mum always know how to make me crack up so after hours of torture i ran off to my room and locked it behind me, texting my fiance asking her for help.
this caused us alot of stress and with my fiance having epilepsy didnt help her to well with her fits, we where booked in to see doctor a few days after the mc to have her medication changed to a safer one for the baby and get any other advise we could, but that got cancelled we had no idea how far along she was but she did have a small bump developing. we never got chance to even see her.
we really need some advise on coping with this. we are struggling to talk about it or anything related to babies. we are both majorly depressed and are not sleeping to well. we are often having pointless arguement over nothing, not serious (yet anyway). so any help would be most welcome.
thank you in advance

sorry if some of this dont mmake sense, like i said im not sleeping to well so some of it might be iffy

 

[TiffanyJaynexo]

First of all I'm so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is such a terrible thing that can happen to the nicest of couples, and sometimes it happens for no reason whatsoever. A miscarriage or loss of a child can also leave a devastating effect on a relationship, or just the person themselves. I really suggest you talk to a counsellor, it helped me a lot when I was going through an extremely bad time. Talk to your doctor about the miscarriage and the depression it has brought you, refuse medication if he/she offers it and ask for counselling instead, ideally counselling sessions with your fiancée.

It sounds to me like you blame yourself for the miscarriage as you blame yourself for not standing up towards your parents disapproval which caused stress on your fiancée. That is really not the case. Like I said above, miscarriages happen to the healthiest and happiest people sometimes.

You also need to grieve for the loss of your unborn, as does your fiancée. You should talk about it to her, be there for her, support her and just love her. Try to block out the negative thoughts such as, "I don't stand up to my parents" or "My parents didn't approve of our pregnancy". You need to concentrate on the future and the happiness and love that you and your fiancée still share. She's probably feeling a lot of hurt right now, just like you are so you need to be there for each other. Try not to argue too, I know it's hard not to but you shouldn't be surrounded by negativity and arguments, I'll say it again.. you need to be there for each other, that's what is important right now.

Take care of yourself (and your fiancée) and I really hope things get better for you.
If you don't wish to have counselling, it's very easy to sort out your lives using each other. If you Love her, you'll know exactly how to do that. Hint: Just be there and talk!

xxx

 

[cosmicgirl]

Sorry for your loss, I agree, speak to your dr but please never refuse any medication which a dr or health professional deems necessary, it would be prescribed to help you and is important you take your dr's advice only regarding medication.
Hope you get the help that you need x

 

[Geminiblue]

I agree, you poor souls, I felt like crying when I read this....many years ago I fell in love with a boy when I was 14 and was told constantly by my dad "dont throw your life away, your too young..." blah blah blah.... I loved him very much but I left him. Things took many years to rebuild...many years....and I regret the hurt I caused my one first love....I am now married to a lovely man thank god but I am now 37. BUT I still wish I hadnt listened to anyone. With age, wisdom does not necessarily follow, just because your parents are your parents doesnt mean they are right. Some people are bad people they just give bad advice....follow your heart, you know true love and I wish more people felt the love intensity for each other that you have. Keep each other close, stay friends, stay strong as you are both doing. Take care of yourselves xxx

 

[Geminiblue]

I meant to say *some people AREN'T bad people......*

 

[johnson1994]

Heyy, thanks all for the advice (would have replied sooner but i was so exhausted). After another freak out around 5ish this morning, i decide to text my fiancee and just talked to her about things. at first we was just comforting each other and slowly started to talk about how we are gonna be able to move on, as hard as it was to talk about we knew it was always gonna be bringing us down and causing us to agrue also it was alway going to cause us grief when we come to trying again, our attention would be on grieving rather than giving it to our baby to be

i alway had kind of blamed myself of the loss because of not being able to rise against my parents. i was just to nervous to tell them it was what i really wanted, with this dispointment i was already getting i just became to scared to actually tell them that. i also felt angry and upset with myself as that night i didnt get to say good night to her bump as i usually do when ive came round to see her. ive always regreted not being there for her that night. i just cant help feel that it might have made it a bit easier if i knew i got to say goodbye to her before i lost her and whisper i love you to her bump. it was incredible when her bump would twitch when i touched her belly or talked to bump :')

we are now going to dedicate 1 day each year for our little girl. just to sit together and light a candle to show we havent forgotten her, to show we still love her.

If anyone has any ideas for the day please do share, i wish to make it as special we can.
thank you all x

Btw, we do have a social worker which we had spoken to, she has provided us with a bit of help

 

[TiffanyJaynexo]

I think that's a lovely idea. Many girls on here and outside of pregnancy forum celebrate the life of their lost child in different ways.

Also, things seem to be slowly getting better for you, which they will and I hope everything continues to get better for you both, I'm sure it will.

Talking about your baby was a big step for the both of you, so continue to stay strong for each other and there's no doubt you will become parents again some day. Enjoy your lives together and take care

 

[johnson1994]

thank you again Tiffany

 

[vickib_1984]

hi ive only just seen this post and firstly i wanted to say how sorry i am for your loss it must of
been so hard for you thinking you were alone......secondly i wanted to say that for your age you
seem wise beyond your years and mature enough to be able to talk about it and not bottle it up
and hide it away.........they always say the best therapy is using your voice wether it is to scream shout whisper or cry emotions and feeling are what make us human and being human on this earth can be one hell of a bitch fest but we battle through as long as you and your gf have each other
then you will work through it all together and begin to build your lives again........the only thing i will say is
this.......dont rush into trying for another baby straight away as your young your emotions and grief will take time to heal and only then when you have delt with that will you find
that you are able to move on.............also your still young and have loads of time to try again dont forget you
still have lives of your own to lead and enjoy your time and have fun as well

i hope you dont take anything ive said the wrong way i dont mean to offend if i have
forgive me

lots of love xxxxxx

 

[johnson1994]

thank you vickib. it is just something to hard to bottle up, it only makes us feel worse when we wont talk about it. but after just spending that bit of time to talk about it and try and sort out away we could try and move on things have started to become a little bit brighter. it will take alot longer for it to heal, yet no length of time will ever make it completely go away. and to be honest, i dont want that pain to completely go away, it is all we have left of our baby and tho it maybe not the best memory or feeling we will still treasure it as if it was. (if that makes any sense :L)
it makes me feel better knowing that by finally moving on and letting go, she to will also be able to pass on to the next world. x we are still trying arrange a date for her special day and are sorting what we shall do

 

[Geminiblue]

...words cannot explain what i feel for what you are going through. Such insight..such wisdom so young you are bright stars that have everything to give and receive.

Some people plant a little tree, some write a poem or a letter to their baby and bury it in a small gift box. You can always go to your local church and light a candle if you were that way inclined. Find a quiet field/hill and sit at dawn/dust light a candle.....or a mixture of these things
wishing you all the best xxx

 

[08Princess]

I just want to say that although you are young you speak in such a caring and mature way. Your girl is very lucky to have a man like you.
I know men 3 times your age that couldn't handle this and would run a mile.
You're being strong just by being there hun.
Well done. Your parents and fiancee should be very proud of you.
x x x
I hope I haven't sounded patronising in anyway at all.

 

[johnson1994]

i really like the idea of writting a letter to our baby, we have a candle from when we first found out she could have been there which was actually not long before valentines day so we was thinking of lighting that and letting it burn through to signify her passing on.
we had a spot in the local park/wood where we went to be alone, where we could cuddle, talk and just sit thinking about what it is going to be like with our lill one. i thought this spot would be best as it is a spot i would think being quite close to her. we didnt get to spend lots of time at home together as we live abit apart, so we only had afew hours together after school and certain weekends (which ive now had stopped thanks to my parents)
the letter we could hang in the tree rather than burying
thank you for the wonderful ideas x

 

[faithangle]

I'm so sorry for your loss and pleased you've made the step of talking about it, even if it is just on here. I also agree that you should speak to your GP if you can bare it and get some counseling. Together could be a good idea too. But what ever you decide to do don't bottle things up and you can always talk some more on here xx

 

[johnson1994]

thank you 08princess, we have been together for 2years now and we have always been there for each other. we have had times where there has been problems and have ended up being split up (problems due to me being unpopular with most of her friends and her friends wanting to be more than friends with her)
though everything we have been through we have developed a rather strong bond, she is very loving and caring and i give it my all to be as loving and caring back. i dont know what i do without her tbh x

 

[08Princess]

And I'm sure she wouldn't know what to do without you.

You're young and in love - wheres the crime in that?

In a way this heartbreaking experience will bring you even closer.

You are the only 2 people who know how the other is feeling and you need each other.

I'm sorry your parents aren't more supportive.

Think back to like 30 or 40 years ago when everyone met young, got married, had kids and stayed together!
I think its sad that relationships don't work out like that nowadays.
People give up too easily when the going gets tough.

To try and help in a practical way I have found out that St Louis is the patron saint of child death.
Sorry to put that so bluntly but thats the way it comes up on Google.

I'm not overly religious but sometimes its nice to knwo things like that and to know your baby will be safe and protected forever.
Maybe you could find out a bit more and tell your fiancee? She may find it comforting.

Good luck and keep lovely.
x x

 

[vickib_1984]

i think its a lovely idea that you want to dedicate a day to her and i think its a good thing for you both as well xxx

 

[johnson1994]

thank you, we are hoping to give either saturday or sunday to her.

 

[johnson1994]

the date is set. Saturday, 15th June 2011 xx :'(

 

[sarah1]

Hi there, just read this thread and think you are doing amazingly well dealing with things. My husband and I lost a baby 15 months ago and it was absolutely devastating. The main thing (which you seemed to have fully realised) is that no-one can tell you how to feel, or how to behave. You might be young but you know what you want, and as everyone has said your fiancee is very lucky to have such a supportive man.

I don't know if it helps, but whenever I think of our baby (we thought ours was a girl too, you just have a feeling don't you?) I remember that although I'll never buy her clothes or toys or see her grow up, that she is a big part of us and we were still very lucky to be her parents. Also knowing that she is part of our next baby in a way is a great comfort. We unfortunately have fertility problems now so cannot get pregnant - we are getting help though. I kept my only scan report I was given when they found the baby had no heartbeat, sounds silly but it was my only connection to actually being pregnant.

Take as much time as you need to grieve, and do whatever you think the best on your special day - a lovely idea. I am a writer as a hobby and I chose to write a story about our experience. I read it back recently and although it was sad I remembered the happy memories too.

Its hard. But if you can get through this together you will come out the other side a hundred times stronger. Hang in there and look after your girl - she needs you to be the strong one. Try again only when you think the time is right. I wish your parents could see how amazing you are dealing with all this - I'm sure when they realise how serious you are about each other they will be so so proud.

Might be an idea to get your fiancee's medication etc sorted before you try again, if she doesn't take them already, get her taking folic acid vitamins and eating healthy too - all good support for a healthy pregnancy.

Hang in there, and remember its no-one's fault. We don't know why it happens, but it hopefully makes us stronger - you're doing brilliantly x