depression over lack of breastfeeding!? (LONG)

[linxminx21]

hiya girls, iv never posted in here before but need to vent this for my own sanity!

Im Jodie, and in novmeber 2011 i had my second baby, a girl named lacie.

She was a healthy little girl.. and besides my high bp i had no other issues. I was determined to breastfeed her as i didnt my son ( i was 16)

Soon after she was born she latched on and midwife said wow thats a good latch and left me to it. she only fed for about 10 mins, weird but amazing feeling no pain at that feed.

I went downstairs about 3 hours after she was born and stayed in hospital for a further 2 days due to my high bp being unstable.

She fed constantly all the time i didnt know if she was getting anything, i had no reassurance the midwives just left me to it.

On the second night i was soo tired, had no sleep and asked for help they latched her on showed me how to wake her because she was a sleepy feeder and again left me to it.

The following morning after no sleep due to lacie and other babies crying i was exhausted, my nipples were bleeding due to bad latch and continuous feeding and i was crying to the midwife.

They didn't even offer me chance to express, to cup feed her expressed milk or a tiny bit of formula so i could sleep for an hour! i got nothing so gave her formula and have regretted that ever since!!

Shes 2 in 9 days and i still feel guilty about it. It beats me up all the time. Somedays i feel like just having another baby so i can breast feed it.It eats away at me all the time and i needed to tell someone!

I do want another baby some day (im in no rush) but id like an age gap like i had with my son if possible and to make sure my body is as healthy as it can be to deal with high bp should it reoccur. (im about 3 stone overweight)

Was it my fault for lack of knowledge? Not telling the midwife what to do for me? I should have been stronger but with baby blues (day 3 is awful isnt it lol) kicking in and tiredness i was in a mess... and failed before id even begun.
I knew it was hard work and continuous feeding but i expected some reassurance ect... i didnt get any of it!!

not much point to this thread really i just needed it written down i suppose

if youve got this far well done and sorry for ranting

 

[mrsbedders]

Please don't beat yourself up! You've given your daughter unconditional love and nurturing care, which is FAR more important than whether you were actually able to bf or not. It sounds like you had a bad experience in terms of getting no support from mw etc but the important thing is what you take from your experience, and you gave birth to a little girl, safely and she's thriving. If you have another, sure you can try bf again, but you may not want to or are unable to. That changes NOTHING. You are a mummy breastfeeding, in the early days, is really hard work and not as easy as it's made out to be so please don't be hard on yourself. You've done a fantastic job bringing your children into the world and loving them. Xxxxx

 

[l_maclean]

You didn't Fail, those midwives failed you. They didn't give you and your LO the best cate, and that is not your fault. Not at all.

Your tried and she got the goodness of some milk from you.- that in its self is a great achievement.

If and when you are ready for another baby, use this as a learning experience. Till then, love your LO and don't beat yourself up over what is only one of many areas of her life.
X

 

[BeeSmall]

The midwife did this to me on my first night in hospital with Henry. He wouldn't sleep and like you, no one was helping me with feeding, just left me to it. Then half way through the night she told me to give him a cup of formula because it was stretch his stomach and make him sleep. Luckily I said no but had it been a few days later when I was even more sleep deprived, I know I would have agreed. I was so cross about it when I thought about it later on. Why was this the only option for 12 hour old baby that wanted to be cuddled by his mummy all night?!?

You were definitely failed by your midwife, the NHS spend millions each year promoting breastfeeding then have midwives that ruin it all with bad advice!! Sending you hugs hun, please don't beat yourself up about it