coping with MC and TTC

[queencranberry]

Hello, to everyone.

I must admit - I am not a forum-type of girl. But at this moment - there is really no other place where I could express myself. Honestly, I am not completely sure what I expect when posting here but I will give it a try.

We decided to try for our first baby last year July. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 32. Getting pregnant should be the most easiest task in the world - at least that's what the society tells us and what I have seen from experience from people around me. Boy was I wrong.

Firrstly, short intro of the history:
I got pregnant in 3rd cycle - September 2016. Seemed fast enough. We were so excited, we planned to tell our family at Christmas as they also knew we were trying to get pregnant an also they are super excited. After two weeks of BFP and day after my first doctor visit as my HCG was 19, I started bleeding heavily. It was exactly 6 weeks. At the time my boyfriend was on a job trip out of the country so I had to deal with all of this on my own as I also didn't tell anyone in my family. Few close girlfriend knew about what I am going trough - but you already know that someone who hasn't experienced it on his own skin is quite useless. My boyfriend wasn't much of a help either. He just approached it like it is a normality - "shit happens" kind of attitude As more as I tried to talk about it (I always initiated this topic), the more I got back these basic phrases - let it go, if you think too much about it- it will never happen etc.

I can understand him as he is a CEO of big company and he doesn't have time or space to deal with "woman emotional outbursts" or "obsessive baby talk". So I just stopped talking about it at all. Must mention that we are still TTC and with no success. AF arrives exactly when planned.


So now when you know a small background I have few questions that maybe some if you can relate and give some advice or experience.

Firstly, I am deadly afraid to get pregnant. Don't get me wrong, that would be my biggest joy but since my first ever try and pregnancy ended up in a disaster - I am sure I will be so paranoid once I am pregnant again. I hate that I am being robbed this wonderful pregnancy time journey because I will not be able to sleep until I have my baby in my arms.

Secondly, I have become incredibly salty and sad whenever I see a pregnant woman, babies. Even engagement posts or wedding invitations of my friends is unbearable since also our wedding is being on hold due to the fact I miscarried (it's a long story). I hate that I am not able to be happy about other people joy anymore. I am avoiding my brother and his family since they have 2 toddlers and his wife got pregnant right after my MC (on their first try, of course). She is already showing and I just can't be in the same room with her since our pregnancies were one moth apart...

I supposed that time would heal this type of things. But it has been 4 months now since MC and it just doesn't go away and it gets harder to manage it in a healthy way.

What have helped you to cope with all these feelings?

 

[PeanutButter]

Sorry your going through this. I've had 6 MCs and took them all pretty hard, but the first one was hell. Time helps I was also a mess for long time. I also hated seeing pregnant women and my cousin actually had the same due date as I would have had, every time I saw her baby bump i had to hold the tears back. I do believe that people who havn't been through a mc doenst know how it feels and hurts and they just 'don't get it'. Your doctor could refer you to counselling and have someone to take to, I was actually told by a recurrent miscarrige specialist that's most women do have to see a mental health professional after having a miscarrige. But I think it just takes time to heal tbh. Xx

 

[queencranberry]

@PeanutButter

Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine how it is to cope with 6 MC's...
My BF told me in a context that if I am not able to manage then I should seek help. I have never been much of a therapy person, I don't know what would I even tell to a therapist...

 

[snowbee]

Hiya, I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

Like peanut I found our first mc very hard going. I'm really not sure how I did cope with it other than just having to carry on. I do have quite a time consuming hobby (I have two horses) and I did spend a lot of time crying into them. My second mc was also very upsetting (especially as when it started we were out for the day for my birthday) but somehow I coped with that one better. I found it very hard to see other people who had babies or were pregnant. I started to dread weddings and the announcements that would inevitable come afterwards. The whole thing just felt so unfair, I wasn't wanting their babies, I just wanted our turn and our own. I really hated that ttc was turning me so bitter.

I'm also not a therapy person, I'm not that keen on people in general and the thought of talking to someone about my feelings fills me with horror. I found it useful to come on here and vent to others in the same situations. I found it useful to make a new friendship group of ladies who had lots of interests outside of relationships and families. And again I found having my horses keeping me busy useful. My husband was supportive but he was hurting too and I did feel guilty that I couldn't give him the baby he so wanted (we were struggling with years of ttc and mc on top, which was just devastating while others appeared to pop babies out without any troubles).

I really wanted to have something to remember my lost babies by, I debated getting a bit of jewellery or planting something in the garden. I've decided to plant fruit trees for them but it is on hold until we move house as I think I would find leaving them behind too difficult.

I am now pregnant again and while it has been such a worrying time I am loving it overall. It has also really helped how I'm feeling about our lost babies and how I can interact with others around us.

It depends on what type of person you are but if you try a few different things you should find out what helps you the most. Good luck.

 

[queencranberry]

Hello @snowbee

I am so sorry for your loss too. Thank you for sharing, in some way knowing that I am not alone is helping. I think I feel the need to justify my own feelings because for long time I have tried to lock them out and "acting normal". But it seems like it makes everything worse.
I mentioned that my BF is a CEO. I don't know if to laugh or cry but he leads a soft toy and baby clothing factory. Since I am his assistant, I see baby related stuff every single day. In fact, this week I am attending world's biggest toy and baby product expo. God help me to get trough that without breaking down.
I hate to admit that I can't handle it "like a grown-up". I am honestly surprised by the ways how this experience has affected me and still keeps affecting every single day.
The jewellery idea sounds great. Although I dunno how I could bare to look at something every day that reminds me of my loss. Maybe.. i will give it a try.

offtopic - since I am still TTC, I have been using OPK this month (first time). I just got super dark test (as dark or darker as test line) one day before my AF. My breasts are super sore and my temp is for last week 37,0-37,3... I have read that OPK can pick on HCG quite early. Unfortunately next few days I won't have time to find a pharmacy for HPT and this unknowingness drives me crazy. I am almost wishing that AF would come just so I can have peace of mind for a while. :/

 

[Eryinera]

Aye a lot of us on here have felt exactly how youre feeling so dont think ypute alone coz you most definatly are not. Ive had 4 mcs and about 8 yrs of trying (3 or 4) actual trying the rest were just not preventing. Im currently pregnant but tell me i would be this time last year and i would probably punch you with disbelief lol. The first mc is the hardest. But the worry never goes. I would reccomend taking folic acid before you get your bfp as i was told that can help prevent early mcs the folic acid is very useful at the time of conception you see which is well before you will notice your pregnant. I hsve a necklace to remember my losses and later when money allows ill be getting a few tattoos. (On my thigh out of sight) and yes opks can pick up on hcg but its not very reliable can you not sneak a cheapie into your bag before you go?

 

[queencranberry]

Oh my, Eryinera... I'm so sorry for your loss. And then again - congratulations!

I am a bit speachless at the moment as I just got my BFP. Came up faster than control line in (Clearblue). So looks like the OPK was indeed picking up some HCG. I can't wait to tell my boyfriend but I will see him day after tomorrow and I want to say it in person.

I actually can't believe that this is happening!!!

 

[Eryinera]

Massive congratulations hun I hope this is your sticky bean x

 

[queencranberry]

Thank you!

I am very positive! Need to be.

 

[snowbee]

Wow congratulations I hope this is the one for you

 

[queencranberry]

so... I also lost this baby. at 9 week appointment turned out that the baby stopped developing at 7 weeks. Had a D&C on Monday.. I am heartbroken beyond the belief...

 

[queencranberry]

This time is harder as we already told many people about the pregnancy - family and friends. As much as it is nice to have all the good wishes and support - it seems not helpful at all and I feel guilty for that. It seems that nothing could make me feel better but time and myself. I feel like I am on my own in this as no one can understand what I am going trough - except woman who has gone trough the same. Sadly I don't know any in person. The fact that I haven't had any successful pregnancy makes it even harder as the question - will I ever be able to have children is lurking upon me every second when I am awake. And that interferes with my ability to work, my relationship and my everyday life in general. I wait and pray for the day I will feel like my old-self again but I guess this day will never come as this experience is burned deep in my soul. And I think that is one of the hardest things to accept at the moment - that this experience will stay with me for the rest of my life and there is no "fix" for this...

 

[Emily0505]

Oh sweetheart, I'm so very sorry to hear such sad news

I had three miscarriages in a row, so I know how truly devastating it is. My husband and I both had testing to see if there was any cause for the losses and all our results were normal so no known cause was ever found. I'm now nearly 33 weeks pregnant with a little girl and I honestly never thought we'd get to this point.

Be kind to yourself hun and get help from your gp if you need it. Miscarriage is truly awful and the psychological side of it (I think) can be so much worse than the physical side of things. Don't loose hope hun, I'm praying that you get your rainbow.

XX

 

[PeanutButter]

Oh im so sorry hun x

You should be tested now or on a waiting list? Mine was also like Emilys no cause was found. I'm 16 weeks with this one now, after taking aspirin!
I do hope you get your rainbow sweetie x

 

[Eryinera]

Awww hum I'm so sorry. 7 weeks was my bad week too. I also had the recurrent miscarriage testing and ithe came back "all clear" although through other issues I've been told I have many symptoms of an auto immune disorder they just can't work out which one. so I was put on aspirin for another reason and my miscarriage (and don't get me started on how much I hate that word I didn't "mis"-carry my babies died) consultant put me on high dose folic acid I'm now 32 wks. I found writing a private letter to my angel babies helped. Just to blurt out everything no matter how trivial or awful it sounded. I hope your forever rainbow baby isn't far away x x x

 

[miamia]

Emily0505, PeanutButter - awesome news, congrats queencranberry -I am sorry to know yr story, but I ma sure your time will come. I know how painful this experience is, but don't y hope. A friend of mine has been tested cos or recurrent pregnancy losses, and it occurred genetics is the issue. She will probably be undergoing ivf with pgs ngs



http://www.pregnancyforum.co.uk/member.php?u=180111

 

[Mystery26]

I lost my first pregnancy last month at just 5 weeks, it was so horrible because I'd only just got to feel pregnant after 10 yrs trying, I'm still not over the loss and I felt totally alone too. My advice.... don't tell anyone that your pregnant. I found telling ppl I lost it was more scarring to me than actually losing it was ��

 

[queencranberry]

Hi ladies... thank you all for sharing, it is good to know i'm not alone. I'm coping with it - I don't know how but I feel somewhat ok. I don't know how, maybe I have just blocked all of this in my mind. I don't let myself to go back there nor to look at babies or pregnant woman at the time. I am not sure if that is the best approach but..whatever keeps me sane and going will do for now. I really hope for all of us to find piece. Only now I got negative pregnancy test and that made me feel better too - somewhat a free feeling. I think after first period will be even better as i just really want to leave all this behind..

 

[Mystery26]

Yeah I felt better after the last blood test that showed the hormones had gone down to below pregnant levels and getting af at the normal time. I'm now ttc again and that helps

 

[poppy86]

I feel for you, I really do. We are kindred spirits.

Why don't you have a break from "trying" and take the stress off? You are still young, not in your 30's and 40's like me and my husband!

Go ahead and plan your wedding, have a fabulous honeymoon and really enjoy yourself. It will come to you when you least expect it.

When my mum had my sister, she was on a ward with a few other women. Things were different back then - you'd probably get 6 post-natal women in a ward room together, rather than individual rooms you get now. Anyway, my mum and this other women were in labour at the same time and gave birth around the same time, however, the other woman baby was stillborn. My mum felt so awkward when they brought my sister to her, and the nurses kept the curtain drawn. However, she wanted to see the baby so they sat together and shared the joy of holding the new born baby. Even though she'd been robbed, she still wanted to be gracious to my mum and get to hold a baby girl in her arms. She was meant to have a daughter too.

When the other lady's baby is born, embrace it. Let her see that you are still happy for her even though it's not your own baby you are holding. She probably feels awkward as well. It needn't be that way.

I know what you mean when you say you can't stand to see other pregnant women. I've been with my husband for 9 years, only one pregnancy in this time which MC in early stages. Now we've reached the age where if people aren't already married they're popping out babies left right and centre.

It will come to you. Let nature take it's course.

Another story for you... I used to work with this supplier who had recently returned to work after having an ectopic pregnancy. I think she'd had a few MC as well and they hadn't had any success. They were putting a lot of pressure on themselves to create a baby even though age and health was not a mitigating factor - they had plenty of time and there was no rush. It was only when they gave up trying, sold their car to pay for a luxury holiday and relaxed a bit, that she got pregnant - one the first try. She had a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.

Sometimes life just comes to you, rather than you looking for it.

What you have to remember is that life is individual and it's not about competition.

I hope this helps.