Cold hearted or just weird...

[Squiglet]

I'm not sure if I am cold hearted or just plain weird...

I haven't bonded with my bump like all the other mothers have... including the ones who have miscarried before..

I don't discuss my past history with miscarriages because personally I find it much easier to put that behind me, not think about it and move on.. (but I know this doesn't work for everyone, it's just my way of coping). I don't like thinking about it... to do so makes it more, real... painful.. i suppose.

But it has the effect that I do not bond well with the bump.. talking to it, playing music, giving it a name, calling it he/she, buying things, discussing the birth all seem... somewhat abstract. As if confirming them or doing them will result in miscarriage. I just constantly telling myself that I will not be having this baby... I did it when I had Tia too.

Finding out the sex has helped quite a bit, but not much... and even though everyone says, your 28 weeks now, if the baby is born it will have a good chance of survival, I know that this is not always so.... and that way until the baby is four months there is a chance of it dying...

I see so many other women who have had miscarriages get all enthusiastic over the next baby, and I just keep thinking every time I get something for the baby, that it's going to hurt like hell having to box that up or give it away WHEN the baby dies.

I know Im a pessimist at heart (my motto is never hope for anything so when you don't get it you're not disappointed) but am I really the only one who feels like that? Am I weird or just cold hearted?

 

[babydust]

not at all, i dont think you are weird, i think everyone is a little like this after a loss, everytime i got pregnant i was the same i wouldnt buy anything or discuss the future with the baby in it, just incase, but this seemed to change when i got to about 16weeks with my girls i started to relax more and started buying things, i think this was because my first pregnancy ended in a m/c and i had been so excited about being pregnant that i went a bit crazy and bought a load of clothes and baby books, and it was really difficult to put them away, they are still in a box which i havent opened since with my scan pictures. I think we all have different ways of coping with these things there is no right or wrong way.

 

[libs]

I think it's absolutely normal - becuase normal is different for everyone. I have to be honest when I get my bfp again (which I will ) then it's going to be a long time before it's anything other than a late AF.

 

[Rosebay]

I was like that with Mel, I just didn't think he would be born somehow and I didn't even buy anything for him until I was over 30 weeks pregnant. Even through most of the first year I was convinced every time I went in to Mel in the morning that he would be dead. I don't know why really, I hadn't had any previous losses, maybe like you say it's to try and second guess possible pain?

Funnily enough, with my recent pregnancy I was much more positive! Ironic!

I don't think it's strange hun
+++

 

[x Naomi x]

No hun perfectly normal, i dont think i will stop worrying next time until i have given birth and the baby is in my arms!

Some people are pessimists others are optimists, its just a way of stopping yourself from getting hurt

I have a friend who lost her baby two days before her due date so its alright everyone saying oh your past so many weeks it will be fine but things like that however rare they are do stick in your mind,

You do whatever your comfortable with, if you dont want to buy anything until the last minute- its not gonna hurt anyone

 

[Steelgoddess]

You're not cold hearted at all, i think like someone else said you are just trying to proect yourself, its like detaching yourself from something...

it also doesnt mean that when the baby is born it will be any less loved. If anything it will probably feel like a very big surprise...

Good luck for your pregnancy
xxxx

 

[DaisyRose]

Hi,

I think it's perfectly natural to feel like that - it's just your way of protecting yourself from yet more hurt. I don't think it will affect how you feel about your baby when he/she is born - like someone else has said, it'll likely make it all the more special.

Not sure how I am going to react when I succeed again - one can never know for sure. Maybe I will feel a little guilty that my third conception should have been my third child (I suppose in a sense, it always will be); I know for certain that I will attempt not to attach myself to it, particularly in the early weeks when m/c is more likely. I know I'll be in the loo every five minutes checking for blood!!

Good luck with your pregnancy

 

[Squiglet]

I have to admit that I didn't love Tia when she first arrived... I was ever conscience that she might die... and I was terrified I'd find her dead one morning... but as time passed I got over that fear and began to love her... and now I love her with all my heart....

I think that the m/c's you have will always be your children... and thats just normal.... and I kept running to the loo this time, to check for blood... I still do it... and when I did bleed during my first 5 months, I convinced myself each time I was loosing the baby...

I know I will love this baby... I have wanted another one for nearly 6 years, just life never goes how you plan it does it.. and that I should be grateful I've finally got there... I am just worried that this kind of dis attachment is harmful emotionally or if other people use the same methods of coping...

Thank you everyone

 

[Tick-Tock]

It's perfectly natural to feel the way you do, you have to deal with things how you deal with them.... it's the only way of staying sane....

I worried everyday I was pregnant last time, did everything right, and it still went wrong.... I've promised myself that this time I'll be more optimistic as nothing I do is going to change the outcome....

I think as long as you are healthy you do what you feel is right, you say you didn't love your daughter when she first arrived but you do now...... So if you feel a sense of detachment from your new child then you know that will change with time....

Good luck with your pregnancy
J
XX

 

[Steelgoddess]

I hope you don;t mind me asking but how far gone were you with your last mc and was it just the once?

Its bond to be hard hon, have you thought about talking to someone about how you feel? I admit it does take the pressure off sometimes being able to offload and thats a massive weight you are carrying...

 

[mummy26]

i know just how u feel your not being cold hearted far from it, ur just worried and still holding that fear of miscarrying maybe its a coping mechanism. well thats how i was with last pregnancy after miscarring i guess i was to scared to make a fuss in case i bonded to much with bump. however unfortunately i m/c and still feel guilty for not showing how much i really cared. even now i feel kind of numb. dont really know how to feel, but seriously dont feel guilty its only natural to want to move on.

 

[timsmom]

Squig, I got a real lump in my throat reading your thread. When we lost our first at 40 weeks I was devastated but in my slightly warped mind at the time, I thought if I could pull mysef together and get back to normal, everybody else would stop being upset too so I went back to work a fortnight later.

I conceived Tim 9 months later and after what was a totally miserable, anxious 9 months my gorgeous son was born. I know everyone thinks their kids are wonderful but Tim never cried, he slept thorough from 5 weeks and it was a bloody good job. Emotionally I hadn't prepared for his arrival and god knows I fell to pieces. If my MIL and mom hadn't come every day I don't know what might have happened to him. I couldn't bond with him and suffered really badly with post natal depression. (delayed greif or something I think)

I am trying so hard to bond with this baby cos I missed those first precious weeks last time and I'm determined the same won't happen again. I need to believe this baby will be fine and yes I worry about everything and yes I still imagine the most terrible things happening but we will get there. Your're not unusual in not bonding with your baby it's just self preservation. If you don't get attached you dn't get hurt when they don't make it.I keep hoping that when they put this baby in my arms I'll feel that rush of love which everyone blathers on about but for me was never there with Tim.

Good luck to all you ladies. You are 'all' in my prayers

 

[DaisyRose]

Hi Timsmum,

So so sorry to hear of your loss at 40 weeks, that must have been terrible after all those months of pregnancy - I'm really not surprised you had loads of problems with depression and bonding with your son.

Really hope this pregnancy goes well for you.

 

[zebrastripes]

Hmmm,I felt like that and I'd never even been pregnant before.I felt pretty unemotional,sorting of thinking "there's no way this baby could be born".And thenwhen i was lying on the table and they brought Willow out,she was all grey and silent.I thought she was dead,and it sort of hit me,that if she was,I'd be completely devestated.

If you can be a good mum once round,you can be a good one twicw.Don't torture yourself by wondering if you should feel this wayregnancy is way too weird for that

 

[Tegala-7thMarch08]

i havent had a misscarrige but its strange how im feeling like you i dont want to get too excited incase it doesnt happen. im getting presents of people and i feel like i shouldnt except them just incase something happens.

 

[samandbump]

i know exactly how you feel i had a miscarriage and within a month i was pregnant again, im now 27 weeks and up until a few weeks ago i didnt even dare look at baby clothes in shops incase something happend to my unborn, im getting a little better now and starting to enjoy the pregnancy, just try and relax.xx