Can't do it...

[shootingstar22]

... Slight warning as this is a ranty, moany type thread!

I kept myself awake last night playing many a scenario in my mind about what will happen after the birth. As I am high risk for post natal depression, I suffered depression a couple of years ago and both sides of my family have are riddled with depressed/suicidal people. So as you can imagine I am very keen to have that connection with my baby from the start... I also need to feel in control- when I'm not I can be very anxious and become angry and what not.

So anyway, I have said to hubby, until the actual time, at the moment i don't want any visitors at the hospital and I will want a few days at home with just him and the baby until anyone visits. This is because I want that connection and I fear that I will be made to feel like a baby maker and will have to watch attention on the baby... With comments about how I should hold her dress her etc. Everything is made worse by the fact that my birthday is 10 days after my due date and I don't want to miss out on it again (my granfather died if cancer around my birthday last year).

My worry comes from, you guessed it, the MIL! My mother has already said to me that she will be there for me if and when I need it- my parents live abroad. My parents ate very pratical and know that it's important to let DH and I get on with it...and we will ask for help if we need it. Anyway mil akready offered to take our dogs when I go into labour. Two things here...first, thanks but no thanks, why when I am in labour will I want to faf about sortingthe dogs out, drive accross town and drop them off with you! My frend is already going to
pop in and check on the animals...this will be less stressful for them too. Second, your going o be in the country the whole of Feb??!! DH parents live abroad too and his mum flys back an fourth cos she fusses over her boys...more so my DH older bro. So now I am worked up cos it looks like she is hanging around just to be able to be the first to know everything and the first to see the baby. I understand it's her first grandchild, but it's our first child... Not hers! As far as I am concerned he is only a grandmother.

Anyway I am trying to get DH to work in the no visitors at hospital and that the grandparents will be told when will be best to visit (we are not a drop in centre). I also want to get a routine in place, so I expect short visits etc. Plus if my parents live abroad then I think
it unfair that his mum sees the baby well before my parents etc. If my DH gets on with telling her then maybe she will get the hint to stay abroad unroll she I called upon. I have a feeling she won't do this...hnce the scenes playing In my head last night.

I had a scene of mil and bil walking onto the ward looking for me and peering through all the curtains. Thy finally get to mine and I am breastfeeding and go mental at them for bein there and walking in on me and others etc.

Second one was mil and bil again, this time I wake up on the hospital bed to see mil holding the baby!!! This really made my blood boil cos how dare anyone touch my baby while I sleep. Again I think I aske her to put the baby down and leave. Think this then kind me off into a slight depression and fear that anyone could take te baby.

Do you think I am being unreasonable with my desire to be left alone for the first bit of parenthood?

I have already have had enough ad this is only what if thoughts!!

 

[shootingstar22]

Plus I have a fear that I won't make it through the birth and my child will be raised by mil... Or mil will play a big part. Mil is too soft... For goodness sake her 31 year old acts luke a spoilt little brat and has to be centre of attention. She bloody dotes on him and allows his horrible habbits. Bil Is lovely, but the way he acts sometimes is that of a two year old.

I want my child to be indepedent, strong and able to breeze through life. I'd rather my child be raised with my parents as they take no crap and can provide a good upbringing. I just don't want my child to end up like bil...

 

[flexilexi394]

Hello! Well I can assure you, you're not alone at all. I personally don't suffer with depression or anything, but hey atone can get it! But with the visiting and MiL thing, I'm very much Gavin similar worries.

You are perfectly ok to think these things, and at times like this, you really do need people to respect your privacy. The only way to do that, is tell them. You must say, I'd like it to just be me and OH as it's our first and I wan to get to know the baby etc because it will be them turnin up and if you're flustered because baby isn't latching on you'll be even more flustered with an audience etc, just do whatever you feel is right at the time.

Personally, I want to be left to it at hospital unless I have to stay in for ages for some reason. Our hospital try and get you in and out really quickly, so if they do that then no one will need to bother to come visit. But if I'm in longer then I will let my mum come and maybe MIL.

I was going to give myself a few days without visitors at home, but I've kind of changed my mind. I think I'm actually going to get visitors out the way for the first few days! So people can come over and whatever and then leave me alone after like day three. I decided this because I put a similar thread up a few weeks back and ms said this is what they did. But in your situation like you say if you don't feel in control then it may throw you over.

Also, be confident in what you're doing with the baby, don't let people tell you how to do things. I will just laugh it off if people tell me how to do it! And if a family member tries, just say actually I'm ok!

Your mum sounds like my mum, won't interfere unless asked to. Isn't it strange how MILaws have to be a bit psycho!

Good luck, but I assure you, your not alone. Xxx

 

[flexilexi394]

And you'll be ok at the birth! No one is taking your baby away from you honey, absolutely no one! You bring that child up however you please, your MIL doesn't play a massive part in the up bringing. You are mum, you're the Childs number one. No one else is. X

 

[xxbeckyxx]

Hey hun, I know exactly what you mean, I felt like this before Lizzie was born. But the midwives (and I believe someone on here too), advised that the worst time for 'baby blues' to kick in was when your milk comes in on the third day or so, so we had visitors in the first couple of days and then told people we wanted to be alone for a bit after that. I was quite surprised though, I missed people popping over!
I really hope your MIL doesn't interfere too much, and just remember to take everyone's 'advice' with a pinch of salt - this is your baby, you do what you want to!

If it gets too much of a worry for you, just shut the curtains and lock the front door, what are they gonna do?
Hope your OH is giving you the support you need too hun, that's really important x

 

[lealea85]

Oh darling you are not alone, maybe the first to express it tho and I applaud you for getting it out. If I put it on Here u will be reading for days.
This is our first child too my fears are actually not my MIL but my mother. I just have this daunting n gut wrenching feeling my mum is going to try n take over n it's going to lead to me not talking to her at all.
Mum thinks she knows best on everything. Like you I don't want to be told how to hold baby, dress bby etc. Or mum trying to hold baby first n take over rather than my OH.

Post natal depression is a thing common in my family to the point two members were put in maudsley psych hospital for two weeks each. I get anxious now but I dread to think what will happen after I have him.
I can be really defensive ESP when I just want to get on with things on my own.

I don't want anyone to be around for the first week or so.
What's going to send me is family/friends wanting to hold him n passing him round like pass the parcel or touching his face or kissing him up.......or the ultimate piss take will be to pick him up when he trying to sleep.
I can actually visualise me telling my mum n family to F-off. I get so heated thinking about it.

I feel if I don't bond with bby boy i won't be interested in him. For me I give all or nothing n it has to be on my terms.
If I'm left to bond with bby no interuptions I will b so much happier.

Cos I live at mums for a bit I can't control who she says can come over.
I wanna move before I give birth but council won't help me til bby arrives
It sucks.


Does anyone else have a feeling or fear that they are gonna be funny about leaving bby with OH? Or is that just me

 

[PinkPunch]

I know what you mean, with my first I just wanted to be alone with her and hubby but to be honest, when she was born I couldn't wait to show her off to everyone! And I let people hold her because people just love holding a wee newborn.

Try not to push your mil away too much. They are just excited and as long as they know to back off, I would let them see the baby when it's born. Your baby isn't going to bond with them anymore than you, it already knows it's mummies voice

 

[stumpyjoe]

Don't hospitals have visiting times? That could work to your advantage! Why not suggest she comes an hour/ half hour before the end of visiting times then she's happy coz she's seen the baby and will be less likely to be pushy over seeing the baby later on during day 3/4 when things get very difficult.
I totally understand your worries for me it's my mam not his she's can be quite insensitive and selfish and will need to be told quite bluntly. I think I'll have a Frank discussion with her before the labour!
However, you never know, you may actually want or need her help so try to be careful with how you handle it. Maybe a cup of tea and an honest talk with her at some point over the next couple of weeks will help tonput your mind at ease. Maybe you could start with, 'I thought I'd let you know what we are planning to do after the baby is born...' then she can be prepared too. Try not to let it worry you too much.

 

[JJ Mum]

Completely natural feelings and worries hun. You decide when you want visitors and then just tell them your wishes. It may be easier to explain a little more why, then they won't or can't possibly take it the wrong way. They will have to complie with your wishes.

I like visitors at hosp cause I stayed longer from sections (think it's dead quick for chuckout nowadays tho!) and my kids were small and so oh could only stay for 15/20 mins at visiting hours as he had kids with him, to save the other mums on the wards gettign annoyed with my kids noise etc. so looked forward to any other visitors. But this meant when home then your mostly done and dusted and get some peace. Nice to show baby off, but no one would ever be able to take baby from you, they haev great security measures in hosps now, inc alarms in cots under baby, least they did when I had mine.

Also when your home, a midwife and after she signs you off and healthy visitor will visit sometimes on a daily basis in first week, which is a pain anyway stopping you going out if you fancy it, or trying you down to a time. You could use this as an excuse too, you really don't want visitors there when they are as that's your valuable time to ask questions and be really honest about how your coping , gain support.

 

[Lacey's Mummy]

I said no visitors when I 1st had charley and even though alot of people (all OH's family) moaned about it, I stick to it!
Those 1st few days should be about you and your new family not about others just wanting to see the baby!
Be firm with your mil and say give me afew days to settle, im sure she's adult enough to respect you! x x