Book group thread for Marisa Peer's 'Trying to get Pregnant (and Succeeding)'

[Blueflower]

I thought it might be helpful to start a thread where anyone can give their opinions on the book, as there seem to be a few of us reading it at the moment! Anyone want to join?

I've only read the introduction so far but the following things struck me:

• It was interesting what she says about women in developing countries not using contraception until they've had children, and that its fine for teenagers to be pregnant whereas we are conditioned to live in fear of getting pregnant until the 'right' time.
• Clinic success rates are scary but most people have 100% success rates with egg production, collection and fertilisation but we don't see that.
• I find it hard to 'believe it will work.' Maybe I will by the end of the book!
• I was actually feeling positive about conceiving until I was handed a printout on Infertility at the doctors, and then all my positivity came crashing down!
• I'm definitely guilty of thinking that pregnancy and motherhood are not available to me. I'd find it very hard to go into Mothercare and buy something for a baby that wasn't even conceived! I'm not used to things working out for me.
• It was interesting what she said about talking to the embryos and believing they are going to make it because your mind won't know that its not true yet so will create the optimum conditions in your uterus anyway! That the subconscious believes everything without question and produces a physical reaction!
• That we should 'love the injections'!
• Saying "I hope" is giving the power to something else. We should replace the words 'trying for' with 'making'! Because trying implies brave failure. (People have mentioned that in other threads.)

Any thoughts? I know others have found it annoying that she seems to think its all in the mind and doesn't give room for chromosome problems or anything like that. It could just be another thing to blame ourselves for.

I think my thought processes are changing already though because today I put the airer by one of the doors and for a split second I saw it as a toddler stair guard!

 

[kkheartsbaby]

Good idea blueflower...

Its been a year or so since I read the whole book so this will be a refresher for me as ive purposely brought the book back out to help with my ivf cycle and mindset

Look forward to reading the comments!

 

[Pearl999]

Well I'm reading it, not sure I agree with everything she says e.g that misscarriage can happen if you don't really want the baby!!! Found this a bit upsetting.
But it can't do any harm to have a more positive mindset, I had acupuncture yesterday and asked the lady about it, she said that mindfulness can help change physiology.
So I am going to be more positive and try an change my thinking regarding my fertlity!!
It will be interesting to see if it works or any if us!

 

[Loubalouba]

Hypnotherapy is really good for mindset changing, I think that is part of my issue. It helps you to visualise the conception, implantation and then being pregnant, stats show it can increase fertility by 60%!! Ok so I am not pregnant after 6 sessions but I am in a much better place mentally and cope much better with the whole thing.. My hypnotherapist said thinking positive can be good but it also means you are focusing on thinking about it too much, she taught me ways to stop all the chit chat in my head and to stop analysing and thinking about it so much because it was causing me anxiety which was probably not helping me to conceive through all the stress and anxiety I felt about the whole process. I think everyone is different and different things work for different people, whatever makes you feel better or sets you free a bit is the best way to think! Stopping to think about it so intensely helped me to stop the whole thing consume me which reduced my anxiety and got me back to my old self

 

[Loubalouba]

Blueflower I agree when you say it's another thing to blame ourselves for (something none of us need)!! The bit about a mc can happen if you don't want the baby is bullshit! Excuse my language.. What about science... There are facts of science such as chromosome abnormalities that would happen regardless of what your mind thinks! And what about people who don't want to be pregnant but an accident happens and then they don't want the baby and book for an abortion... They don't mc!! You can't tell me that your conscious mind and sub conscious are at complete opposites! I don't think I am gonna read the book!! Ha ha I really don't like that mc comment! As if you can't tell... ��

 

[Blueflower]

Yeah I think a lot of people will be angry at her opinions on the causes of miscarriage. She's obviously never been to the doctor and been told there was an actual problem with the baby that was no ones fault.

That's interesting Loubalouba about the extra chitchat in our heads, if I said everything I was thinking about out loud my DH would run a mile! All I can do now probably is turn the negative thoughts to positive ones and keep busy with other stuff as well.

I think my main issue is expecting to be pregnant. I'm usually 'hope for the best, be prepared for the worst, so nothing in between comes as a surprise' and used to get annoyed when my mum had unrealistic expectations for me! E.g. I had 3 choices of Uni and she kept telling everyone I was going to the best one, whereas I kept them all in mind and waited for my grades! (She had even planned which campus I was going to study at and stay at because it was one she had heard of! It was very annoying!) I was actually right, I ended up at my 3rd choice and she had to back track! Marisa Peer says if you expect a baby you put everything into it and if its a BFN the pain is no less than if you prepared for it. Its going to be hard to do but I will try it anyway!

 

[millielaura]

Ooh I've been wondering for a while whether because I'm anxious and negative all the time, it's been affecting me TTC. Been trying to be a lot more positive this month but it is scary getting hopes up then it coming to nothing.
I overthink it all way too much,I don't like the fact we're waiting for fertility appointment and I won't know what we will try and when... I like things all planned out lol I know that's impossible but I want a timetable like Noww of when i'l be trying which treatment etc so I know I always have a back up plan. I overthink and look ahead way too much.

Don't like her comments about m/c though I agree that bit sounds total rubbish! In that theory a long term TTC'er who m/c wants her baby less than someone who got preg accidentaly and doesn't want the baby yet doesn't m/c. No way lol.

Sounds helpful in general though
xxx

 

[Clementine]

This is a great idea Blueflower, I read the book over 3 days so now I'm going back to the start and having a note book with me. Overall I like her a way of thinking, but I'm very logical minded so I'd like a bit more science.

Firstly the few things I didn't like - the short paragraph about her thyroid issues, I felt it was irresponsible to say her doctor said she wouldn't get pregnant taking Eltroxin, so she stopped, there are differing types of underactive thyroids I have a treated underactive thyroid for over 20 years, I have Thyroid antibodies which basically means my thyroid has been destroyed and no longer produces Thyroxine, if I didn't take Eltroxin I would have no hope of getting my BFP. Lots of GPs don't understand the powerful role your thyroid plays in Fertility, Metabolism and General Well Being.

I felt she should have given a few more pages to the science around miscarriages - the reality is most miscarriages are caused by chromosone issues and I think that in nearly 100% of cases the last person to blame is the Mother, no amount of positive thinking can prevent nature from taking its course. Personally I think it's a disgrace that Women must have 3 miscarriages before routine blood tests are done to rule out other issues such as blood clotting, other antibodies, low progesterone. I definitely believe if men had babies the tests would be done before they even started trying for a baby.

All the things I liked about her approach
Talking to your ovaries, talking to the embryos, welcoming the baby all makes sense.

Definitely like her phrase "Making a Baby", I never really liked the phrase Trying to Conceive as I have conceived 3 babies but then lost them. What I really want is a real live healthy baby so Making a Baby is spot on. Also the word "Trying" makes sex sound like a chore. Also when you don't get your BFP you feel like you've failed as you were "Trying" to do something.
Making is more of a process.

The stuff about Conscious vs Subconscious is true for me.
I say I want a baby, I pee on sticks, have sex when I ovulate but deep down part of me is afraid that I will have another MMC, I'm afraid of what all my Trying has done to my relationship with my husband it definitely has taken some of the fun and spontaneity out of sex. It has affected some of my friendships. It has sorta become my personal obsession. Since reading the book I'm doing my best to reprogram my thinking , I have come up with positive arguments for my doubts / negatives.

I like her bit about all the other older Mums. It was the first thing I've read that was more positive about becoming a Mum if you're over 40, so much of the media is so negative about bring an older Mum. I believe most women who want to have a baby when they're older just hadn't met the person they wanted to have a baby with when they were younger. Sometimes we're made to feel like we're so past it, society doesn't think the same if a man of 60 has a baby with a 30 year old. I bought a FRER Pregnancy test in Tescos on Thursday and the girl at the till asked was it for myself, I was a bit gobsmacked & embarassed and ended up explaining to a complete stranger that I had met my husband when I was older. (Ps I don't think I look 43 as I have really clear skin!!)

I'd definitely recommend the book, FX the techniques will bring us closer to each of us having out much wanted healthy babies xx

 

[millielaura]

Clementine, I think I was prefer the phrase "Making A Baby" also. Trying definitely makes it seem like each BFN is a fail.

Really interested in this book especially since I studied psychology at uni and have done quite a bit on health psychology and how our mind influences our body! I like some of the ideas I've read here

The last couple months I have started to visualise egg/sperm combining and visualising implantation happening,OH thinks I'm mad lol but sounds like it's an actual recommend thing by some people!

I can't beleieve you got asked if the test was for you Clementine, how rude of her!! I would never dream of asking somebody something like that! I think society can be so ageist. I get the same but the opposite way round, I'm almost 22 but look a lot younger,I look about 18. One time I bought a FRER from Boots and the lady behind the till and an old lady next to me both sort of looked at each other, looked at me and smirked and then the old lady started tutting clearly thinking I was a teenager and this was an unplanned pregnancy (Even if I had been they had absolutely no right to do that). I was so furious I nearly turned round and said Actually I'm engaged, wedding all booked, own our own house and been trying over a year and I'm only testing because I'm a poas addict and I know it's not gonna be positive so thanks for making me feel worse. I didn't though lol but honestly some people! I found even doctors where a bit funny about age, defo one of my pet peeves of the whole thing, people meet who they want to settle down with at different points in their lives, they are ready different points in their lives and whether it's that they're in their 20's or in their 40's no one should judge. Feel like if you're not in the age bracket of like 28-33 then you're treated either as too young or too old!

Xx

 

[Clementine]

Hi Millie, your post is spot on, sometimes society is too quick to judge, we should not feel like we have to justify our choices.
Perhaps the girl on the till didn't mean to embarass me, she seemed like a nice enough girl, I'm just conscious that people assume I either already have a family or that we've accepted we can't have children. Had I met my husband in my 20's I wouldn't have waited until I was 40 to have a family. If you have met the man for you and want to have a baby you should not feel judged, FX we'll be Making a Baby very soon

 

[millielaura]

Yeah, that is true, I doubt she would of meant it badly, was probably just trying to make conversation I guess! I think since TTC I've learned to not ask questions like that now and find them really rude.
One of my friends everytime I see her (doesn't know we are TTC) she mentions something to do with babies. Last night OH came round with me to hers and she said "I'm just waiting for you two to make your pregnancy announcement." Before TTC I wouldn't of thought twice about saying that to a friend and I know it was meant with the nicest intentions but I would never ever say something like that now as you just don't know what they are going through. Was very awkward, tried to just laugh it off but made us feel rubbish as we had gone round to friends in order to take our minds off TTC! So TTC (or making a baby-lol) has definitely made me realise what an impact remarks can have! xxx

 

[Blueflower]

Yes unless you pregnant straight away everyone is bound to think about it a lot, unless you don't really care! And you have to keep on top of all the appointments, eat healthily etc so can't just forget about it!

The month before we started 'trying' a good friend of mine told me they were trying for their 2nd and I remember thinking it sounded quite defeatist! I'm not sure I could say "we are making a baby" to friends though! DH's answer when people ask about kids is that we are working on it!

How rude of that girl Clementine! Did she know you? Is it an Irish thing maybe? Maybe if you were in your 50's she might have looked confused but should never have asked someone in their 40s that! Has she been living under a stone? And rude of the old ladies MillieLaura, no wonder some young women are scared to buy tests in case they are judged.

I often find myself saying I didn't get married till later on so people don't think I'm a selfish career woman! You're right that our society has such a narrow age band for acceptable motherhood, it has to change!

That's so true about if it was for men, things would get done a lot quicker!

 

[FBTTN8079]

Goodness some people are so rude you shouldn't have to justify yourself to anyone!

I agree with you all about the negative points in the book but I'm really liking the poitive over negative thinking and the subconscious stuff too.

I was talking to hubby about it all and I was saying that when I was 13 I had an ovarian cyst and was put on the pill, then from then on I ised to always say my biggest fear was never having children even though there wasn't anything wrong! Then when hubby and I decided to start "making a baby" we actually did it by saying well "just in case anything is wrong better start now" so we started off almost expecting there to be a problem! Hubby has also said that he is going to start saying things differently like before he would say we are having a go at ivf when actually he's realised and is now going to say we are making a baby!

I like talking and visualising it all too, it's a much nicer way to be I think and can only bring us all positive things as positivity brings positivity

 

[Loubalouba]

It sounds like we are all in the same boat mind wise which is reassuring because at one point I really thought I was going insane!! I like control and planning for things, I am also inpatient... Not good after 2.5years of baby making..... I also like to prepare for the worse, it's a way of protecting yourself from the disappointment, therefore I was thinking I won't be pregnant this month in order to protect myself from the disappointment! My hypnotherapist said I must stop having any expectations and start to learn to have faith in my body again... She said sometimes ur subconscious gets confused because you take in things everyday that you are unaware of and that your subconscious can misread things and get cross wired. She recommended setting aside 10 or 20 mins where you allow yourself to think about ttc and write it all down in a diary, for the rest of the day she told me to avoid thinking about it and that every time I do to focus on my breathing, i.e your abdomen moving in and out. It's really hard to do but helped me get rid of all the constant chit chat in my head... I feel more at peace in my mind... She also taught me how to do a body scan which really helps me to relax!! Check out Jon kabat-zinn on u tube, she taught me this and then when you get to your abdomen area she told me to focus on my ovaries and imagine ovulation, conception, implantation and then after the body scan imagine myself with a bump and at different stages and then giving birth etc. the body scan really helps me to relax so good technique during certain parts in our cycle!!

Lou x

 

[millielaura]

Oooh I will defo have a look at that on Youtube, thanks Lou

FBTTN.. When I started TTC my view sounds very similar to what yours was. I had a m/c when I was 18 and then it was discovered I had an ovary cyst which got removed about 6 months after. Some of my ovary was taken with it and since then I've been so worried about cyst returning and whether the op has affected TTC so when I started trying I already had it ingrained in my head that I was going to struggle. Which probably doesn't help! xxx

 

[Blueflower]

Yes I definitely went into it believing I was already too old!

I wonder if she believes implantation failure is also because we supposedly don't really want the baby?
I will have to read on. I do think the general stuff on positivity is good though.

 

[millielaura]

I think it sounds really good in terms of helping to think positive . Don't agree with some of the stuff that's been mentioned like reasons for m/c's etc but does sound a good book for helping stay positive . I want to read it now lol xx

 

[Dee28]

I'm half way through the book and really trying to be positive and do the affirmations and visualisation. It's hard as I conceived Nancy so quickly and easily that I 100% believed that we would conceive quickly and easily again, I was 100% sure of that fact and every month assumed I would get pregnant. It wasn't until we started having investigations that I actually started feeling negative and doubtful and yang was nearly a year into trying so I'm not sure why my positive thinking didn't make me a baby initially! Still I'm definitely obsessed and bogged down it now so a little positive thinking can only be helpful xx

 

[Blueflower]

Yes I was expectant for the first year which made no difference, it was only after that when doubts crept in. But maybe the positivity was just on the surface? I was just reading some more and she says that thoughts are different from deep held beliefs. So it can take longer to change beliefs. So we might be thinking we'll get pregnant fairly quickly but have doubts deep down without realizing it.

I did the exercise of writing down my negative beliefs, thinking about where they came from and substituting them for positive ones, and it turns out they are all now out of date or irrelevant!

Still trying to get my head round her miscarriage ideas and the only thing that does make sense is focusing on the word 'loss.' She says if you think about losing your figure, independence, financial security, lifestyle, intimacy with your partner, position at work etc, the body just takes notice of the word loss and the idea of losing something, which manifests itself into losing the baby. But I'm sure most people who really want a baby don't care about losing any of that. Unless its just one niggling belief that we're not really aware of. I wonder what she has to say on unwanted pregnancies that go full term? Are they wanted deep down after all?

 

[FBTTN8079]

I also found when she was talking about negative perceptions towards pregnancy, birth etc I dont have any, I welcome pregnancy and the changes to my body and i havent really been fearful of labour or being tired, disorganised etc with a newborn so found it hard to follow that section xx