Anyone else in a complicated situation whilst pregnant?

[Gorgeousmumof2]

I apologise in advance if this is a big long... but the only way you will understand my circumstances is if I start from the beginning lol.

I have a son who is 19 months old (it took us over 2 years to concieve with fertility treatment). I was happily (ish) married... and attending university as a student midwife. Anyway I fell pregnant whilst on contraception which was a big enough shock in itself I guess. I then found out over Xmas that my husband was having an affair and found he had been flirting / kissing other women and telling people he was unhappily married.

So... Boxing Day I asked him to move out.. he then moved in with the woman he was seeing, lived with her for a week and then dumped her... wanted me to take him back but I refused.

I found somewhere else to live, left him with all furniture etc, and bought everything from scratch and struggled on my own. I met someone else who I have been seeing for 1 month who has a son of his own that he has at weekends. He has said he will stick by me and that me having a baby doesnt effect things as he wants me for me etc. Tbh he is a really decent guy... and if he is still around when the baby is 6 months old he will def be a keeper.

But anyway.. I am now 17 weeks pregnant, I allowed my ex to come to the first scan... which was really hard, but I want to give him every opportunity to be involved in his 2nd childs life. He has our son 3 days a week, so does make an effort with him. I am allowing him to come to the 2nd scan, but cannot decide what to do re the labour?
My mum will be my labour partner... but should I be allowing my ex to be there seeing as its his child? Or should I allow the new bf to be there now and again for support even though its not his child? Its all getting so complicated!

And I want to breastfeed the baby like I did with my son, but that means my ex cannot take the baby out for more than one hour... he wants the baby overnight from the word go.. and I'm unhappy with that, it would unsettle the baby. But where do I stand? How do I decide what is right and wrong as dad has the same rights as mum surely?

Also I am terrified of the baby coming, the closer I get the more emotional, moody and scared I seem to get. How will I cope on my own with a 2 year old and a newborn? And there is a chance I may end up with another section, which means I will cope even less

I am so so sorry for such a long moany post, especially with my first post on this section of the forum.
I guess I needed an "outlet" and it would be so nice to have a little advice from you guys.

I promise to be more cheery in future posts.. x

 

[dave2009]

Firstly do what you want and forget about that pillock. It is your decision and he has nor right to be at the birth unless you say so. If you want your boyfriend there then have him there. He also has not right to demand the baby over night from the word go. The bloke sounds deluded and you need to be strong with him. Quite frankly there is no reason for you to be away from your child in the few weeks after birth. If he wants to visit and you're happy to arrange times then fair enough but after what's happenned he has no right whatsoever to make demands.

 

[laura dec 1988]

I think its your decision hun on wether you want him there at the birth....its all about you and the baby and what you feel comfortable with, same with regards to taking the baby from newborn....I personally dont think its right takin a new born away from its mother at such a young age especially as your plannin to breastfeed, he shud realise you wud never be in this situation hun if it wasnt for his stupid ways.


only do what you comfortable with

xxx

((((((hugs)))))

 

[Tonks]

Labour is about you first and foremost, no one else. If you want your BF there, then have him. It's you who needs supported and everything and everyone else comes second.

Also your ex will not be able to take baby from the get go, as baby will need you especially if you are BFing. It will only be 6 weeks before you can slowly start introducing bottles if you want to express, so hardly a long time for him to wait especially if he will be seeing baby for an hour a few times a week.

 

[inky]

I kind of just echo everything that's already been said really, you shouldn't place so much consideration on your ex, you should concentrate on yourself and your baby. It's great your ex wants to be involved and everything, but he has to realise that he can't have everything his own way, it has to be done in a way that is best for your baby, and if that means he has to wait until he has the baby overnight then so be it. He's the one who put you both in this situation in the first place, he has to understand that he can't have what he wants, and that he isn't the most important person at the end of the day!

 

[behappy]

you must do what it right for you, it is your boby after all. you are being kind letting him come to scans however do u really want him at the birth? work out what it right for you regarding when the baby is here, u have to tell him the ground rules and he needs to respect that. I agree it would be very unsettling for the baby to be sleeping at yours one night and his the next ! u could agree he can come and see baby once/twice a week and then baby can start sleeping over when 6 months onwards..... u have to see how u feel ... u might change how you feel at time goes on

good luck with the new man - how exciting
xx

 

[ToffeePop]

I'd plain and simple tell your ex (gitface) that you intend on breastfeeding until your new baby is at LEAST a year old, and he will have to deal with it, pure and simple.

You didn't put yourself in this position - he called the shots etc. and made his bed, laid on and in it, and has absolutely no right over your life now, I'm afraid.

You have to do what YOU want and what is best for YOU. Deal with the access / overnight stays etc. at a later date

(walks off muttering...)

 

[Gorgeousmumof2]

Thanks for your replies, I think part of it is guilt with me. And he will NOT admit to anyone (especially not sign paper to get divorce) that he cheated. Instead he is telling his friends and family it was down to me arguing etc... and is now saying I probably cheated on him So I have alot of pressure from his side from people who think I am the guilty party and he is a saint lol.

In a way I do want to give every opportunity to bond and be a part of the babys life.. as he is a good dad really. He can just be nasty with his mouth when he doesnt get his own way.

He see's missing the labour and birth as missing a crucial part of babys life.. which in a way I agree. But he and my mother DO NOT get on at all... and I def want her there. The last thing I want is a bust up while I'm in labour... that happened last time :s

And with regards to the new bf... I guess in a way I am sort of holding back with the relationship as I am afraid it may not work out... I mean how many guys would date a pregnant woman with a child and stick around for life? He does genuinly seem to be the sort of guy that would stick around kids or not.. but I am a worrier lol.

Hmmm.. decisions in life can be so hard sometimes

 

[inky]

You've got no reason to feel guilty!! He's the one that did the dirty, so he's the one that will have to compromise! If you want your Mum as labour partner then that's who should have. If you don't want the aggro of them falling out (and who would?!) then tell him tough, he has to live with the consequences of his actions. And if he's lying and saying that you didn't break up because he cheated then if I were you I would get my loudhailer out and make sure EVERYONE knew that he was the one who played away and that he isn't worth their sympathy.

 

[*Hope*]

Sounds stressful but lke everyone said put YOUR first. The baby wont care/know who is at the .birth and if it going to stress you out in anyway at all dont have him there. i wouldnt. punishment for cheating at its slightest!!

Good luck with the new man x

 

[Princess81]

I think u are being sooo reasonable about all this, i'd be bailing for his blood and telling him to shove his demands!

Now that's done with, if u are gonna be reasonable about it then I agree with the others, it has to be your choice! 100% if he doesn't like it then he shoulda thought of that before he screwed around. Wanting to separate a baby from it's mum overnight is totally selfish and impractical.

A mate of mine met her new bf whilst preg. Baby is nearly 1 now and they r still going strong - it can happen x

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

I apologise in advance if this is a big long... but the only way you will understand my circumstances is if I start from the beginning lol.

I have a son who is 19 months old (it took us over 2 years to concieve with fertility treatment). I was happily (ish) married... and attending university as a student midwife. Anyway I fell pregnant whilst on contraception which was a big enough shock in itself I guess. I then found out over Xmas that my husband was having an affair and found he had been flirting / kissing other women and telling people he was unhappily married.

So... Boxing Day I asked him to move out.. he then moved in with the woman he was seeing, lived with her for a week and then dumped her... wanted me to take him back but I refused.

Well done honey, you did 100% the right thing - sounds like someone is having a bit of a crisis of personality and doesnt deserve a good woman anywhere bloody near him

I found somewhere else to live, left him with all furniture etc, and bought everything from scratch and struggled on my own. I met someone else who I have been seeing for 1 month who has a son of his own that he has at weekends. He has said he will stick by me and that me having a baby doesnt effect things as he wants me for me etc. Tbh he is a really decent guy... and if he is still around when the baby is 6 months old he will def be a keeper.

But anyway.. I am now 17 weeks pregnant, I allowed my ex to come to the first scan... which was really hard, but I want to give him every opportunity to be involved in his 2nd childs life. He has our son 3 days a week, so does make an effort with him. I am allowing him to come to the 2nd scan, but cannot decide what to do re the labour?
My mum will be my labour partner... but should I be allowing my ex to be there seeing as its his child? Or should I allow the new bf to be there now and again for support even though its not his child? Its all getting so complicated!

The midwives are there to support the baby if its needed, the people in the labour room with you are there TO SUPPORT YOU! You need to have calm and relaxing things happening in your head whilst you deliver your child and that man has NO RIGHT to be there unless you want him there (which you dont)

its all about you and if you are tense, you will find it harder to birth your child, which is going to be far more problematic for baby than its git of a daddy not being in the room

And I want to breastfeed the baby like I did with my son, but that means my ex cannot take the baby out for more than one hour... he wants the baby overnight from the word go.. and I'm unhappy with that, it would unsettle the baby. But where do I stand? How do I decide what is right and wrong as dad has the same rights as mum surely?

Simple, you need to stop thinking about him and you and think about your child, what your child NEEDs is good mummy milk and a calm environment, routine and familiar surroundings for a good while after birth

and the only way it can get that is by staying with you all the time and the father visiting during the day at set times... its just the way it HAS to be for a wee while (not forever obviously) but if he is demanding overnight custody straight away, he is failing to see what is important - THE CHILD and that the childs needs need to be dealt with first. It will only cry all night if taken out of familiar surroundings anyway! why would he want to deal with that?

Also I am terrified of the baby coming, the closer I get the more emotional, moody and scared I seem to get. How will I cope on my own with a 2 year old and a newborn? And there is a chance I may end up with another section, which means I will cope even less

You are a strong woman, strong enough to leave a man who has been using you and has gone away from the family home and hurt you - i KNOW that you are strong and wonderful your post on here has proven that.

I think its really important that you seperate your understandable anxiety and stress with the situation with your ex, and your ability as a woman to give birth HOWEVER you choose. You can do it, you know that you can and you know what, if it all goes tits up we have a great medical service that will help you if neccessary

YOU are wonderful and strong and brilliant, please tell yourself that often and forget the twat-head - i bet he would struggle to grow two beautiful children in his belly wouldnt he?

You'll be fine with two kids, you'll struggle sometimes but survive just like the rest of us and one day you will look back with pride

I hope everything works out with the new fella

Much love

Fi xx

 

[evajo]

Hi I agree with the ladies above, poor you in this siuation. I have a relative who broke up with her partner during pregnancy and she bottle fed after a week, the baby was shared immediately every weekend. He is now one and Mum has refusd over past few months because babe comes back hoarse from so much screaming when he is with Dad. He is a good Dad but how can you even begin to explain to a baby under two that every other weekend he has to go and stay somewhere unfamilar and without his main support. On a personal level i think to do this to a new born is unfair and almost cruel, you need time with your babe to settle him and find his routine, not playing pass the parcel. It sounds to me as your ex's affair hasn't worked out and he can see you are settled and coping, and have a new man - sounds to me like he is kicking himself for being such a pratt and is jealous: hence using such unreasonable requests. If he was a good dad he would see that taking a newborn away from its mother is completely against everything mother nature has taught us.
Hope you manage to sort things out and begin to relax and enjoy your pregnancy.

 

[Rosie's Mummy]

You are way too nice! Forget him, he didnt think of you when he was citing your marriage as unhappy. Have your labour and birth your way, he doesnt get a free ticket in there - have who the heck you want in there. Good luck with everything

 

[titch]

I totally agree with everyone on here, the people present at the birth are there to support you, do you know/care who was at your birth?! Of course not. I can understand he'll want to meet the baby asap but he can wait in the hospital waiting area and when you and baby are settled he can be invited to meet him/her like any other visitor. thats probably more than he deserves anyway, but he certaintly has no right to be there when you are in labour, you will need to be calm and not made to feel stressed or vulnerable around someone you no longer trust.

Good luck hun xxx

 

[Piglet10]

well done you for getting rid first of all... good to see a woman who doesnt take it!!

and as for him having baby overnight from word go .... no way...,. breastfeed hun and use that as an excuse... at the end of the day if he really does want the best for his kids he would accept that that is not the best for a newborn.....

and i would not have him at the birth if you dont want... let him be outside in waiting room.... but remember you didnt do this.... these are only the consequences of his own actions....!!!

i hope it all works out for you hun and ur new man seems like a keeper so far so i hope that works out for you and your LOs are being well looked after by you and your ex - well done for that,,,!!! do i sound like maury :S xxx