Pregnant and depressed

Discussion in 'Second Trimester' started by littlegecko, Feb 20, 2012.

  1. littlegecko

    littlegecko New Member

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    Hello,
    Im new here and really need some advice.
    Im 34 and this is my third pregnancy, the other two ended in miscarrige but this time it seems to be going well and I am now 24 weeks.
    The problems stem mostly from my relationship with my husband, we have been together 8 and a half years, married 3 and a half years. We had a lot of problems from early on due to him having several affairs one of which was with his ex, she left him but he continued to be obsessed with her.
    he was faithful for about 3 years but last august started seeing a 17 year old girl who I worked with, I love my husband very much so I put up with it as best as I could and was supportive while this girl messed him about (she was seeing at least 3 other men including a married cousin).
    During this time he told me he had fallen in love with me for the first time and wanted to be with me but wanted to see her too, I hadnt known he hadnt been in love with me before but he said he couldnt see past his ex.
    I fell pregnant in September it was unplanned but I was glad as I have always wanted to be a mum.
    He went nuts and put a lot of pressure on me to have an abortion, I agreed but couldnt go through with it and was ready to leave and raise my child alone I said he didnt have to be named as father if he didnt want but he said he did.
    His affair was sort of petering out at the end of December as she would ignore him for weeks then play mind games, I finally said I couldnt take any more (she almost cost him his job among other things) and was going to leave, but he begged me to stay on several occasions and said he would finish with her.
    He is still obsessed with both her and his ex saying he is in love with all three of us, but I am his best bet for happiness.
    He says he dreads the birth of the baby but that he loves her, he doesnt like me to talk about her or the pregnancy and acts as if I can run around after him like I always have.
    He likes young skinny women (he is 32) and hasnt initiated sex with me since I started to show and went from a slim 8stone 3 to 8stone 13, he says if he initiates sex I always refuse which is untrue.
    Since we met he has driven off all my friends with his insecurity (he would get cross and moody if I went out without him, and they hated how I was treated) spent every penny I had and driven me into debt buying things on credit cards that were in my name and then pretending it wasnt his problem when the bills came. We are now in debt managment (they have been great) but he is always wanting me to give him money I dont have. I work part time as a cleaner in two jobs, I cant find more work at the moment as there are few jobs here, I was a cafe supervisor last year as well as 3 cleaning jobs working 7 days a week 14 hours a day, I traveled in with him as the cafe was at his company (he is chief engineer) and was giving him£100 petrol money a week as well as paying all the utility bills, my cards, buying all the food as well as getting all the millions of things he seems to want. I cant go back as he has a motorbike now and I cant ride pillion as it is on a CBT only and I was humiliated there last year by his affair and she will be back this year. I am still paying the utilities and food and pet food and my travel expences (which are steep living in a rural area it costs £4.10 a day to get to work)and getting demands for money every week.
    He acts like we are flatmates reguarding money and not a married couple.
    I have to do everything around the house while he sits around complaining that the house we have on a mortgage is to small (he chose it) that the food is crap and how if I do more he might feel motivated to do some of the many diy jobs that need doing (we have had no bathroom for 2 years he started then lost interest)
    I am broke and dont know what to do, He said it was my fault and I should have gone back to the cafe (I cant get there) he says he is broke but seems able to buy junk when he wants it.
    I am a wreck, I dont want to leave my home and my pets, Im exausted all the time, I have no one to talk to, I am so depressed and worried and have no confidence at all.
    My baby and my animals are all that keeps me going, I love my husband so much but he has hurt me and keeps hurting me, I want our daughter to have a father but dont know if he will treat her with the same contempt. I have tried talking again and again but he puts it all on me or starts on about how in love he is with these girls but how he is suffering coz he gave them up for me.
    What can I do, What should I do? am i stupid am I to blame?
     
  2. TORino

    TORino Well-Known Member

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    Oh gosh.

    First of all :hug: that is a lot to deal with hun. But you have your baby to consider and getting stressed/depressed is not going to do either of you any good.

    I like to remind people in these situations that there is always a choice. You need to take back control of your life (as hard as that probably seems right now). Your husband is not showing you the respect you deserve here. Your choice here is therefore: 1 - continue as you are and allow him to do so 2 - show him that it is not acceptable to treat you like this. Obviously there are various ways of doing no. 2, none of which are particularly easy but you have to decide if you want to put up with him treating you in this way in the future. It's unlikely he is going to change of his own accord if he has been doing this for a long time.

    I hope you can find the inner strength to do what you need to sweetheart. xxx
     
  3. dollface79

    dollface79 Well-Known Member

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    Oh girly. It's quite obvious this man is not going to start being faithful, the fact that he openly admits he also loves other woman is not a sign for a happy marriage. He seems to not even want to change in the slightest and i think for your sake and your babies you need to leave. Being depressed and worried all the time is not good for you or your baby.
     
  4. Jayjay027

    Jayjay027 Well-Known Member

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    Get rid of him!!

    What do you love about him exactly? The fact that he makes u feel this miserable?? Ud be better shot of him!

    Ur worth 1000 of him, don't allow him to make u feel otherwise!
    He drove ur friends away, put u in debt and cheats on u. Why is he still there?? Why are u hanging on?? Pack a bag for him and tell him to get lost! X

    Sent from my BlackBerry 9800 using Tapatalk
     
  5. mrz85

    mrz85 Well-Known Member

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    you r better off with out someone like that hun x
     
  6. Maria1977

    Maria1977 Well-Known Member

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    First welcome to PF and congrats on your LO!

    Sorry to say though but this guy is a moron! Seriously, read back through your post and ask yourself if he sounds like someone you really want to be with?

    You say you love him, but I don't think you are, I think you're in love with who he could be, not who he actually is. Which is a cheating user tbh.

    Don't let him mug you off any longer, you don't need him and honestly does he sound like a suitable role model for your daughter?

    xxxx
     
    #6 Maria1977, Feb 20, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2012
  7. Danti

    Danti Well-Known Member

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    Kick him out! Don't even explain! Just pack his bag, leave it outside and change the locks! What an effing scumbag! Wow reading that has boiled my blood! You are worth tenfold than this guy! He treats you like utter crap and you deserve so much more! I mean he cheats and then has the audacity to moan and groan to you about the other women! Get rid! You and your daughter will be much better off xx
     
  8. beckybean

    beckybean Well-Known Member

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    Oh honey, he truely does sound awful.
    You are going through what should be a wonderful time and you have a (I am really struggling to think of a word for him) bringing you down. Currently it is you who he is treating badly but what happens when your daughter arrives and she grows up to see that this is how her daddy treats her mummy and other women.
    Please try to contact some old friends or family for support and I would agree with the other ladies on here that you would be better off without him.
    I know everyone is different but my friend left her husband when she was 7 months pregnant due to his behaviour (physical and emotional) and it hasn't been easy but she now is the happiest mummy to the most beautiful and content wee boy.
    Good luck and best wishes for your future.
    x
     
  9. TeeUK

    TeeUK Well-Known Member

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    wow I am sat here open mouthed....he really is taking the piss out of you. He has his cake and is eating it! I won't say I don't understand where you are coming from as I did it myself....years ago I went out with someone who cheated and actually got a girl pregnant and continued to see her..... I stood by him as he had some kind of emotional hold over me. I soon came to my senses though and you need to as well.

    The man doesn't love you like he should or how you deserve. When he said he was inlove with you for the first time he probably felt that way because you were letting him do what he wanted and being so good about it all.....that's not love, he is very selfish and immature. He has no respect for you and probably does see you as a flatmate...you deserve so much better. Your daughter will pick up on all this as she gets older.

    It may be difficult and it may be scary but you really need to be on your own away from him...he needs a dose of reality and to know that you are a strong woman who will not put up with this kind of thing any more!

    Hope I haven't crossed the line but ooooo I am mad at him!
     
  10. Loula

    Loula Well-Known Member

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    im with the others x
     
  11. pregpixie76

    pregpixie76 Well-Known Member

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    it would be easy to sit here and totally blame your hubby.but u obviously have serious issues yourself for allowing your life to become what looks like a living hell.
    supporting him having sex with a kid at your work while no doubt everyone knows about it is crazy.u need to find your self esteem and pride, this relationship isnt based on love its based on insecurity and self loathing because no self respecting person would put up with any of this.
    i hope u leave this situation and get some counseling.
    as u can see i havent sugar coated anything because u need a reality check imo especially with a baby comming into this world.
     
  12. FirstBabyEek

    FirstBabyEek Well-Known Member

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    I completely agree with pregpixie. You need to leave the horrible situation you are in and find some help for yourself. That will then enable you to decide if you want to stay in your relationship with your husband.

    I would urge that do seek help for the sake of your baby so that you break the cycle for them and that they can have a happy childhood and go on to have good relationships when they are older
    Xx
     
  13. chantilly

    chantilly Well-Known Member

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    Sweetheart i first have to ask are you in a alternative relationship / bdsm / poly. This man sounds like a dominant arse. not a good Dom but one who purely thinks of himself.

    You think your in love with him but i think your more reliant on him than in love , you think you cant do any better and are willing to sacrifice yourself beyond any normal or reasonable measure just to be with this man.

    You need to get out, that will take strength and courage and is a very very hard thing to do when you cant see whats infront of your eyes.

    This man wont change it will get worse when babys here you are his possession and you can gaurentee he will be jealous of the baby.

    I know on a personal level how hard these relationships can be to walk away from but trust me babe you ned to do it for you and above all that little girl in your belly . How will you feel if a man treats her the way yours is treating you.

    Please try and get yourself some real life support these forums are amazing but you really do need someone that you can talk to pesonally.

    Big hugs hun
     

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