And then there were 2 :)

[Daisy2011]

Oh hi lovely, its very hard to keep going on a shoe string and so frustrating that OH is gambling when you are struggling as it is. I'd bemurderous by now!. Its hard not to feel worn down by it. As you know i was unemployed for a year ebfore i got my current job andjust livingin fresh air andit really takes its toll not being able to have treats, and worrying about the bills and debts. It really knocks you. Hope that girls are better from the chicken pox! poor things and that OH builds hislife back and gives you more support that you are getting. But more than that that you find something that makes you happy and can aleviate some ofyour stress and depression lovely, that or a big win on the lottery!! Photos of the girls are so cute - not the spotty ones though aww. Keep on fighting lovely you can get through it. big hugs xDaisy.

 

[deedee84]

Thank you so much for your kind words daisy! it really has been a struggle, financially and emotionally because sometimes i just think id be better off if he went back to his mums and then i could concentrate on the girls and getting the finances back in order! its a nightmare at the moment! i just fear all this misery and money worries are having an effect on elise! She stopped at my mums saturday as uncle lewis has got new bunk beds for xmas, she didnt want to at first but she enjoyed it in the end and i think it will do her some good also!

The girls have fully recovered from the pox, just a few scabs left now but nothing major! Glad we have them out of the way now!

A lotto win would be lovely too hun lol! i can but dream!

got my 30th coming up soon, going to have a big family meal out, actually looking forward to getting together with everyone! i really wanted to have a party but seemed there was only me organizing it and to be quite honest i couldnt afford to do everything for it, talking well over £200 and i just didnt have that spare! Oh well, im sure i will have a lovely birthday regardless!

xx

 

[deedee84]

Wow we have reached an epic stage in Elexis's development which is indicating that terrible 2's in fast approaching, if she doesnt get her own way and you tell her no you get a slap, and then you tell her no again for doing that and she throws herself on the floor and has a meltdown, in fact she has a meltdown over most things, such as been a second late at getting up to refill her beaker, or not getting her a "bipi" (biscuit) straight away and even sitting in her place on the sofa results in a meltdown! She wants a sock off you take it off she creates because its off so you go to put it back on and she creates because she doesnt want it on...talk about highly strung! I have one high maintenance toddler haha!

I started at the gym last Saturday, we did a 40 minute cardio session and then booked in for free weight and measurements thinking that was all it was, but it wasnt, it was a complete fitness test, weighed in at 12 stone 2 lbs on the Monday (was 12st 5 on the saturday yay) and was told that 40% of my body is fat so the fitness trainer devised us a workout plan last night and we had to do it as he planned it and oh my days my legs are like jelly today, i have to crawl upstairs and come back down on my bum and we have to do that routine everytime we go, 3-4 times a week he has suggested and then also down to 1300 calories a day! I'm so motivated even though i hurt, ive not been a monkey and eaten things i shouldnt eat, im doing really well...im determined to shift this baby weight and get my body looking almost back to what it used to..actually excited

Anyway, thats about it for one entry

xx

 

[deedee84]

Well i've still been hitting the gym 3-4 times a week, the pain is not so bad and i'm managing to do more and more each time, for instance last week i could only manage 20 swiss ball crunches, and then this week i managed 60 feeling great with all this exercise and healthy eating! I've got a new found food love too...cous cous especially the lemon and coriander its delish!

The kids are doing great too, Elise is 7 on wednesday, time has well and truly passed me by, doesnt seem 2 minutes ago since she was a little 6lb 2oz baby waaaah!!!
Elexis is her cheeky old self still, always nicking everyone elses food and waking at silly o clock every morning love em both though i do!

My big 30th is slowly creeping up on me too, 9 days time really need to ring and reserve that table for all the 20ppl due to come, i dont think they will manage to seat us all together haha!

xx

 

[Daisy2011]

oh how excting a 7th birthday and then your 30th. and 60 swiss ball crunches!! well done you.
Are you having a party for Elise? sounds like a busy couple of weeks ahead!!
hope you are alright lovely and OH has settled down a bit.
x Daisy

 

[deedee84]

No we're not having a party as such for Elise, were out at Frankie and bennys saturday for both our birthdays and then on the sunday we are going out for lunch and bowling, so were kinda having a birthday weekend! Shes been ill since saturday but is back at school tomorrow (her birthday) as they are going to the deep so she really wanted to go, queue mummy baking 36 chocolate buns and piping them with pink buttercream as requested by the soon to be 7 year old

we went to OH's sister fellas birthday party this saturday gone, it was a fancy dress party at their friends house, i dont know what went wrong but i couldnt remember much of the back end of the night and came home and was sick everywhere! Woke up with a massive bruise on my leg and have felt sick for the last few days, only just seem to be coming round this evening although i still feel slightly queasy!

heres a few pics to make you smile...oh dear lol!!









xx

 

[deedee84]

Elise had a lovely birthday yesterday, she went to the deep with school and came home with her best friend to a little tea party in her bedroom granny made her a lovely chocolate birthday cake which is nearly all gone and she got lots of lovely gifts from everyone so all in all we had a very happy newby 7 year old

Today has been a bit of a crappy one for me, i woke up feeling fine, Elise got up 45 minutes later with a nice attitude (think turning 7 has gone to her head) which put me in a bad mood, which then escalated into me wallowing about how shit things are at the minute and how my life has not panned out the way i had planned! Dont get me wrong i worship my kids and wouldnt change anything about them, but the rest of my life is just a mess! Money...relationship...my self confidence and self worth! I just ended up having a mass off crying session over the phone to mum because she rung and asked me why i felt so shit and i just burst into tears! Just sick of struggling with money because my OH would rather smoke/gamble/drink/eat takeaways and no matter what i say its always turned back onto me! I hate been on benefits and hate that people look down their noses at us, but yet if i go out to work i will be worse off or working my butt off for what were on now for OH just to blow it all on shit as usual! just so fed up, wish i could scoop my kids up and take them somewhere beautiful where we would have no money worries or problems, where i could give them the life they deserve! i can but dream

Tomorrows another day i guess! Feel stupid getting my problems off of my chest here when people have worse problems :/ i just cant vent properly as OH is always here so i cant ring mum or anyone! Eugh! Is it bed time yet!!

Elexis is doing ok...shes been waking a couple of times through the night though these last few nights, i imagine shes feeling a little bit run down as both me and elise have been ill so maybe shes got a little bit of that!! U can never tell with little ones that cant talk or express themselves fully!

Anyway, im going to go make some tea for my sprogs and stop waffling about my crappiness!! Heres to Friday!!!

xx

 

[deedee84]

Waaah why cant life be all simple and nice so after my bad day the other day i woke the next day happy, had to wake OH to ring the docs so went up and asked him if he was getting up, he just grunted at me so i playfully jumped on the bed and was rocking him and he yelled at me to get off of him...instant bad mood!!!!! Again!
Then last night we went out for the "birthday meal" i had told him roughly how much things were on the menu, he said he would have the cheapest thing anyway and he had lent £40 off of his mum for the meal, anyway, we got there, he picked up the menu, started moaning about the prices and how expensive it was, then moaned because my mum wasnt sat near me, then moaned because i should have booked somewhere where they could of fit us all on the same table, then took mums head off when she did pop over to us for sitting away from me and leaving me all on my own even though i had stated to him i was happy that people had turned up and that meant most to me. Then he said he wasnt ordering any food as we needed some money to live on and if he ate we would have nothing left and so he went home my friend invited me to hers after the meal for a few glasses of wine, i really wanted to go and asked OH and he seemed ok, said to go it was my birthday night i could do whatever i wanted to. So i went and had a lovely time...but feel so guilty now for leaving him on his own on my birthday night...why do i feel like this!! I shouldnt give a shit in theory after he more or less nearly spoilt the meal with his constant moaning, a part of me wants this relationship to end yet another part of me wants to tell him his faults and my worries and try work at it, but ive done the talking and spilling my guts before and his "changed man" attitude lasts all of a week! Feel torn right now and dont know how to handle things or what to do for the best i know he has issues with his depression and anxiety and when we have spoken about the future and what it holds he just doesnt think he will get better or ever be able to work and i wonder if i can cope with that for the forseeable or whether im just been tight for not standing by him! I dont know what thoughts are right or wrong or what i should be feeling or what i should even do Ahhh its such a mess...to me anyway, to him he's just rolling with the misery, happy to plod along struggling and having no life, I on the other hand want to start looking after my appearance, want a job and a nice house and build something for the kids! WHAT TO DO!!!!!!

On a cuter note, Elexis has started jumping properly today, shes been practising for months by kinda hopping always keeping one foot firmly on the ground but this morning we have both feet leaving the ground a good few inch bless her!

Oh well...i shall love you and leave you...next time i write in here i'll be a 30 year old i still feel 18 haha!!

xx

 

[Les1504]

Hi Hun, I'm a fellow June/July 2012 mummy and I just wanted to offer you a big hug! It's irritating when you feel like you're the only adult in the family and you have an extra child to look after it seems like he is dragging you down and you sound really fed up! Hope things get better for you soon xxx

 

[deedee84]

Ahh thank you so much hun, i just feel pretty much in limbo at the moment! Felt worse the other night as we were laid in bed watching tv and he said that our relationship would be pretty much perfect if we didnt have money worries and then proceeded to tell me that he'd like to get married as soon as we have spare cash to do it :/
He currently has a sickness bug along with Elexis and has been huddled on the sofa in the quilt all day...i had the exact same bug last week and was still getting up at 6am and doing the school runs and housework etc, its just annoying! He's had his warning this month about over spend on poker and if he does go overboard its the last straw...i will kick him out until he sorts himself out not just with the gambling but with everything, ive had enough! Actually felt pretty independant today because hes been house bound ive had control of the money, done the shopping solo, paid bills and so because hes not up to eating much im treating me and the kids to chinese just because i havent gone crazy with money and just bought essentials! I think i could be rather good at this lol!

xx

 

[Daisy2011]

Oh lovely sorry to hear that you have a really shitty time of it lately. It is very hard to stay positive under such circumstances . Benifits are hard becuase you are living on a shoe string and the way that the press spew out hatred for people who are struggling is vile and depressing.
Your OH isnt very supportive of you and its been getting you down literally for the two years we have been freinds on this site and hehas been gambling that long to.You must protect yourself and the girls and make sure that your life is right. He is a child in a mans body and its not fair.
Once Alexis is in school though you willhave more time to devote to what you want to do and that might be the moment to save for a prepare for becuase then you will have raised both girls to a stage where they are away during the day. Youve just got to have a plan to get from today to that day. and If that plan is better without him then do it. Like you say why should you be loyal to him when he shows none to you. Perhaps you kicking him out would be the stimulous he needs to sort himself out.

Ihope that you are feelingabit better today and that by recognising that you have suffered to and your confidence is low that you can start to pick yourself up and build your life back up.
Big hugs lovely . Youve done so well to raise two great girls and keep things together under really trying circumstances thats everything to be proud of and shows you to actually be a strong woman.

love Daisy
ps photos and costumes brilliant!!

 

[deedee84]

thank you so much for your kind words and understanding daisy, means a lot. I dont know where this relationship is going, and the fact that i dont care speaks volumes, i dream of a life, in a lovely home, married and happy and not worrying about how im going to afford to put tea on the table or pay the bills on time, i know a lot of people would want the same, and i look around me and 99% of my friends and family have this (ok so maybe certain people are onto their 2nd time around but still...) i dunno...ive hit 30, i want a life...not an existence! we got some back pay from tax credits today and had a lovely day albeit elexis being a complete maung but she has her reasons, i wondered if every day was like today whether i would be happier...i probably would...but not 100% personally i think things have run their course, maybe if OH had not been so self centred and self absorbed i may have loved him for longer, but when there is no effort on his part its hard to keep loving, but more loathing, hating the fact he lives the life of riley, lays in for as long as he pleases, spends as he pleases, does as he pleases...this has gone on since elise was born, i cant see a way back! For now i will roll with things, but as soon as an argument transpires i think i will be telling him to move back to his mums, i know i'll have my friends and family behind me, i just hope he has a good support network as he will need it with his depression but i just dont think im the person to be there and help him any more as everything i suggest is brushed aside and isnt good enough, just dont know what else i can do to make things better, i think he needs a wake up call big style!

xx

 

[Daisy2011]

Hi Lovely, only you can decide whats best for you and the girls. good luck with finding better times ahead.
Stay strong lovely you can get through it.
Hope you have a better weekend.
big hugs xDaisy

 

[deedee84]

Ahh thanks Daisy

Not been on in what seems a lifetime!

We had a surprise amount of money go in the bank 2 week ago and so we went on a splurge which was lovely, cheered us all up and the bills got paid up to date including all the arrears so it really has boosted us. I cant say im any happier with the relationship though, i feel more like just good friends than partners! Just going to leave it to run its course a little while longer. I've just applied for a job at west Yorkshire police as a call handler, its shift work but the money is great, this will mean OH is going to have to step up, get up early with both kids and do school runs/dentist apps/docs apps/housework...the job lot maybe if were not in each others pockets as much and he's actually having to get up and be a father then a spark may reignite! Really hoping i get the job now! My friend used to do it and said the training is amazing, you get to go out with the traffic police etc (all departments i think) and shadow them on their jobs. And then when you do officially start you have to put your name down on your days off for helicopter duty wow how cool she said its really interesting, ive never worked soley on the phone before and certainly not with anything as important as this so i will be massively nervous but excited also! So wish me luck

xx

 

[Daisy2011]

Oooh thats sounds awesome. Whats the application like?
I dont know if it would help but im happy to be a charatcter reference ( I am a Dr and that always looks good on paper at least).
Gosh looking forward to the future is exactly haow it should be
Brilliant that youve had some extra cash and paid of some bills and are feeling brighter! Hooray!
Youve just all got to get over the dreaded bad colds now
happy week lovely
X Daisy

 

[deedee84]

The application was long and had some challenging questions to say the least but i think i answered confidently haha! well i hope so anyway, and thanks Daisy, if i get through to interviews and they need a ref i know where to come thank you!
And yes, as expected i started with the aching this afternoon and the burning chest! I was getting some horrendous pains in my chest and spine earlier which panicked me a little as it was really quite excruciating, but OH said thats exactly the pains he has been getting so yeah, really not a nice bug, i think it must be flu, aching, shivering then sweating, loss of appetite awful! It could have waited until OH was better at least then we could have taken it in turns to look after each other and the kids but hey ho...the show must go on!

xx

 

[Daisy2011]

Hi Lovely hope you are feeling better and have alovely weekend. x d

 

[Daisy2011]

Hey lovely how are you?
x Daisy

 

[deedee84]

Hello darling, sorry ive not been about, with having my new phone ive not needed to go on the laptop s much thus not coming on here much! I'm not too bad thank you! I didnt get the police call handlers job, apparently didnt pass the papersift whatever that is but at least they let me know! So i applied for another job Tuesday, as support worker, so its just a matter of waiting to hear from that now

How are you doing Daisy anyway? feel like ive probably missed so much with not been about much x

 

[deedee84]

Happy Easter And as it happens i signed up with Slimming world yesterday, so my easter eggs consist of 2 boiled eggs and a slice of toast haha! Could have picked a better weekend but never mind! Although i am sure the kids are secretly trying to get me to eat some of their chocolate, the amount of times ive had to pick it up from the floor, or open something and then elexis just wiped creme egg all over her doll then handed me it, got all over my hand, took all my strength not to lick it off hahaha!! But i resisted, got the baby wipes out and now baby is creme egg free and i'm still on the wagon haha!! Its all well and good doing this diet but OH is annoying me as for the lowest syn values i need wholemeal bread, so he buys a grained bread and when i told him its the wrong bread he replied "well its still healthy for you" yes darling...it is, if your just on a healthy eating diet, but im doing SW and you do not know best when it comes to that grrr!! lol!

Kids are fine as well seen as though this is a "parenting journal" ha! Elexis is so funny with her talking now, she tries singing along to elises jessie j cd when she blasts that out at 7am lol, they get on so well, although Elise can sometimes mother her too much in a bossy, telling her off way which she then gets a slap for from Elexis for bossing her so then i end up telling them both to behave lol! Been dwelling on when to put Elexis in a big girls bed, i think i'll probably leave her a while longer yet as she doesnt try and get out of the cot at all and shes still waking through the night on the odd occasion which i think if she was in a single bed shed be inclined to get out of it, so i need yet another baby gate as well before i make the leap!

Anyway, thats a bigger update on things...had more time this morning

xx